Thursday, July 30, 2009

Do you work with this guy ?

Hi Loves,

When I worked at Red Lobster as a server, I worked with a guy like this. Okay, not as bad, but I can see the resemblance.

Office douchebags are stationed in every office across America.

I got this from YouTube under Reckless Tortuga. I am a fan of his other stuff too.




If a pic is worth 1000 words, I have 5000 words for you
















Hello My Kittens,


I swear to baby Jesus, you just can NOT make this shit up. This man is alive and resides here in my area. And he is on the prowl for some pootang. Any takers ?


I'm sure the pictures speak for themselves as to what a complete pantywaste this man is.


But wouldn't you like to hear what comes out of his mouth ? I thought that you would never ask.........



I am a self made man, from the school of hard knocks, no college education, I started my business when I was 16 & and had to sacrifice a lot of the things that most people see as second nature (Art, Music, Culture, Current Events, traveling, Reality TV etc) I know nothing about any of these things.I honestly believe the old saying, "behind every great man, there is a great woman. (And/or a surprised mother-in-law.)I know I have greatness in me, but I have had a hard time extracting it. I have a little money, but I don't equate greatness to financial success, although it does help. From an outsider's view, I look extremely materialistic, pretentious & shallow, but by nature I am not. The only reason I worked so hard to accumulate so many things was so I could have the best potential chance of getting my dream girl, that I would be proud to call the mother of my children.Most women I meet asks me the same question, "Why aren't you married or in a relationship, you are like the perfect man?"They tell me, “You're too good to be true,” & all they can think of is, "he is good looking, funny, charming, and has everything. He is probably married. He could have any woman he wants, so I better sabotage this relationship before I get hurt." So they never truly give the relationship a chance. I had a girl tell me, "I miss you terribly, what are you doing to me, I need to distance myself from you." All in the same sentence. It is very frustrating. I am a very honest, loyal and faithful person. I am not the type of man that thinks the grass is always greener some place else. I am very grateful for what God has given me and I know he could take it all away from me in a second.I love a woman who thinks she Gods gift to mankind. If she doesn't, most likely I won't either.I love an intelligent woman. I'd like to meet a woman that can push me to the next level. I want to get to the 8 figure net worth figure, but so far it has evaded me.

I have an idea. I think that this prize and our Mc Donald's pervo featured below should get together and become gay lovers.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

“Smart, sexy, gentleman looking 4U”


No Joke, that was this man's headline and he's pushing 40.
What a way for him to sell himself: Just grab Ronald McDonald's hair and step on his crotch. How attractive.
So not sexy, and his outfit is NOT smart at all.
He looks like a used car salesman that wears Hawaiian shirts to work on casual Fridays. He also looks like the type that would try to cop a feel in the back of the used car he'd be selling.
Something also tells me he's probably married.

My profile on Yahoo Personals

Hello Lovelies,

So I've been getting a little tired of Craigslist personals, and mosied on over to Yahoo Personals. Found some interesting ads over there, with more pictures. Pictures are worth over 1000 words.

Since I can't look at profiles without a profile, I created my very own in a way that no one would want to respond. For starters, I didn't include my picture. Then on top of that in my "about me" column, I stated that my body type was "large" but that I was looking for an athletic guy. I also said that I like to smoke, drink, I have a high school education, but I wanted a man that didn't smoke and had at least a college education.

Since I had to include a paragraph about myself, I included the following:

Title: Bigger Cushion for the Better Pushin'

i am a simple gurl just lookin 4 the man of my life 2 rescue me and make me feel speshal r u that man ? i am a big baby gurl, lookin for my boo....... i can handle a lot of lovin' but can you handle me ? there is alott of me to handle, baby, it takes a strong man.the economee sux, im broke and bored most of the day, but maybee u can comeover and i'll provide the a-a-a-a-a-alchohol !hit me back lets get this party started....holla !

It worked, no responses.

Monday, July 27, 2009

It looked better in the commercial

Hi Loves,

So McDonalds has been offering new hot mochas with whipped cream and chocolate syrup drizzled on top. I've been salivating over those ads for months. Since they've been offering free sample sizes every Monday, I finally decided to give it a whirl today in effort to get off my ass and out of the house. So I drove to my neighborhood McDonalds and ordered one.

Other than the whipped cream, I did not like it. Now I know that the burgers in the McDonalds ads look glorious when in reality it looks like you're eating shit patties. But I was really holding out for the hot mochas to be really tasty.

Big let down.

I occasionally like to take a stroll over to Starbucks and fork over $4 for a hot latte with whipped cream. But in effort to spend less dough, I was thinking about downgrading to McDonalds mochas for my occasional treat.

Not gonna happen. I am such a Starbucks whore, and I think I will continue to hold the torch for them. I will gladly fork over the $4.

My favorite is the cinamon dolce latte with soy milk and whipped cream. I've been drinking the same thing for years. Once in a very blue moon I will get the caramel frappuccino.

McDonalds ads can be like internet dating sometimes, where you see this picture of a really hot dude, and you're so excited to meet. Then when you meet, you find out that there was a reason the pictures were only of his face at a certain angle with a baseball cap on.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Weekend Happenings...................

Hello My Lovelies,

Yesterday I went to dance practice and we practiced our routine for our upcoming performance at the festival next month. I still have to work on my solo.

I hope you're enjoying your weekend. I got rid of even more stuff from storage such as a couple of books, some clothes, a ton of paperwork, among other things. Feels like I can breathe a little better. I still have more stuff I want to get rid of, which I will do next week.

Another project on my list is to go through my collection of CDs and make sure that they are all in my iPod. That will be time consuming, but it needs to be done.

The movie the Orphan came out in in theaters. I really don't like films dealing with creepy or possessed children. But for some reason I found this film really interesting, but not interesting enough for me to go and see it. So I looked up the spoilers on line and OMG, is it wierd, something I would've never expected. Now I kinda want to see it.

A movie that most definitely want to see is The Time Traveler's wife for three reasons:

1.) I love Rachael McAdams, who also played in the Notebook as well as Mean Girls.
2.) Eric Bana is hot.
3.) I love time travel stories, as long as it's not too out there in the future where you're interacting with aliens.

Anywho, enjoy your Sunday, kittens.

Besitos................

Friday, July 24, 2009

Men aren't the only ones.......

Hi Kittens,

So I've been picking on men with them and their personals. It doesn't mean that women don't commit the same unspeakable offenses in their personals. Its just that I am a straight woman, and I think I have a better read on male personals due to my own dating experiences.

Anywhooch, my dad (gotta love my old man) sent me an "about me" section of a female from POF, aka Plenty of Fish, which is also a free site. I've been so busy perusing the Craigslist ads that it didn't even occur to me to mosey on over to POF.

I would like to point out that women should have standards, and that there is nothing wrong with wanting a man that has a job and can provide, especially if she is going to have children and take care of them and the house. That's not gold digging.

But on the other hand, I also believe that if women have high standards, then they better bring something special to the relationship as well. It goes both ways. If she wants a fit man, then she better be bringing a fit body into the relationship. If she wants a man to take care of her, and worship her, then she should be prepared to treat him like a king as well.

So the ad is below, with my "shelation" in bold. Notice that her ad was all about her and her wants, but she could not elaborate on how she would make him happy.

Without further ado.............................

I'm interested in a serious relationship with a man that can take care of me mental, emotional I cry a lot even at Kodak ads, financial I have a job now, but I won't work in the relationship, and physically I hope you have a large penis (I've always wanted to jump into a mans arms that could actually catch me without either of us getting injured so you must really be strong because I'm a huuuuge bitch). You need to be in a secure place in your future goals and retirement because I want to live off your retirement, which includes someone like me entitlement whore in your life. I think it is important for a man to be in decent physical shape and always shaven keep your manberries manscaped (no wire bristles against my face/skin nether regions). Through my history I've always taken care of others and their needs and wants, now I want someone to take care of mine basically honey cakes, I'm not used to standing up for myself. I've always let my ex husbands walk all over me. I dressed them, cooked for them, finished them off every morning only for them to run off with the secretaries. So if I tell you how fabulous I am and demand that you worship me, maybe I can convice myself I am worth more than I think I am. I am very considerate, passionate, humorous at times, generous, serious worker, excellent cook, and other qualities blah blah blah and could make the right man very happy. I have set my standards a bit high because I am entitled for someone like you, out there in POF LOL, but it's my turn to be pampered and spoiled. So if your wanting someone to treat like a "queen", I could be that person. PLEASE, if you don't respond to me, wanting to worship me for the goddess that I am, then I won't feel validated.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

If I whine, maybe she'll sleep with me

Aloha my loves,

Another married douche on the internet. You know what they say, another douche, another dollar. Holla ! "Manslations" are in bold.

Title: Save me from this hell.............. 48 y/o

This is where I say something witty right? I have nothing brilliant to say Something that sets me apart from all of the other men who place ads herein I am as married and boring as the other boring married men on Craigslist---trying to lure ladies into their web of lies............. And there you have it---thats what I can offer---honesty / truth I deserve a medal for telling the truth and you should want to sleep with me for that. So---without fanfare or lies---here is what I seek and offer: I am a seasoned old with grey hair executive entry level management. I work hard---and I really miss playing hard I wanna get laid. I loathe going home to the burbs to my stale, boring, dull and abusive wife she kicks my ass. Yes---I am married---but soooooooooooo unhappy I want a lady to fuck me out of sympathy. I just want a lady who wants to meet after work for a cocktail. Perhaps you hate going home to your husband or boyfriend since you being attached makes it all better and okay. Perhpas you have neither---but do not want the full time hassles of a partner. Or----perhaps you have no one---and you too just don't want to go home right after work like a robot................... I do not judge since I am in no position to judge you---and all I ask in return is not to be judged. Please note---this is not a plea for sex PLEASE have sex with me---its a sincere quest on my part to meet a nice lady that may one day enable me to be comfortable enough to tell the bitch at home you will have to listen to me cry about her (who seriously mentally berates and abuses me) to take a hike I want a woman to care for me like a battered puppy, since I have no self esteem and don't know how to stand up for myself...... I have been honest herein----because I am being honest, that makes it all okay for me to cheat on my wife and call her a bitch Please---no games--no bots---no ladies under 40. Write me-- What do you have to lose? Besides your dignity.

Rapeage at the Dealership

Hello There My Secret Squirrels,

So I had to take my car to the dealership. Basically, the DMV sent me my registration notice. I can't just send the check until I take care of the recalls on my car, which is a Nissan.

Did I mention that the lovely state of CA has seriously jacked up their registration rates ? My registration went up $40 and my car was a year older and more banged up than the previous year. Gotta love the budget crisis we're in.

Anywho, I took my car to the dealership and they took care of the recall stuff and reset the computers.

And the guy there kindly did an "inspection" on my car and gave me a list of "repairs" that I would need to take care of "as soon as possible".

-I needed to replace my front brakes, I had a dirty air filter, and my brake fluid was dirty in addition to a couple of other things I can't remember. They wanted to charge me around $700.

I took it to my mechanic who told me that the only thing that I needed to do was get my front brakes taken care of in about six months and he would only charge me $250 instead of the $386 the dealership wanted to bend me over for. I asked about all the other stuff the dealership mentioned and he laughed and said that I didn't really need to do all that stuff.

Thank goodness for my mechanic.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Did I really say or do that ?

Hello Again Loves,

So as you know, I've been cleaning out storage. I've gotten rid of a lot of stuff.

I have kept almost every single letter or note anyone has ever written me. Until now.

I was reading copies of old letters I wrote to a couple douchebag guys I dated in college ( I made copies because wanted to look back and remember how I acted) to express my frustration to them without blowing up.

I looked back and can't believe what I put up with. I didn't have the balls or self esteem to get up, walk away and demand better for myself. That's a hard pill to swallow. Sometimes I did demand better and walked away, but most of the time I didn't.

The letters I wrote, weren't all useless. I remember one Persian guy I dated, who I still run into once in a blue moon. He was not a nice guy, but I still put up with his antics. But I did write him a long, heartfelt letter explaining my feelings and why his actions bothered me so much. He held onto that letter for a while and re-read it a couple of times. And then he appologized to me more than once for the things he said to me, and he appologized again a few years after we parted ways. I believe him. I told him "Thank you, don't worry, I am over it" But when I re-read the letter I wrote him, I realized why he really appologized. He said some pretty effed up things that any guy could say to a woman.

And I some letters from after college. A couple of nice emails from los hombres de Barcelona.

Growing up I did not have steady female support when I started dating. A couple of my mom's female friends tried to tell me things here and there, but for the most the advice was waaaaay outdated. I was just pretty much thrown in the dating world, coming from a conservative, religious upbringing. The dating world was not nice to new meat like me. I was definitely chewed up and spit right back out. And I still have the t-shirt.

And it wasn't all them. The way I acted was awkward, I didn't know any better. Plus I look back and realize that there were a couple of good guys that I unknowingly drove away. Like Alex, aka Sasha, the soccer player from Russia. He was a good guy, we met while I was studying in the library. He came up to me and asked me out. I was just too scared, and also I was going to Barcelona in four months, so I just ended things after a few weeks of dating. I own all that. But really, I don't have too much regret in the love department, none of the boys from my past would've ever worked out. The time was not right, and my heart just wasn't in the right place. It wasn't until this year that I felt like I was on a better path with myself.

I am getting rid of everything except that I can't seem to let go of two things.

1.) The email from Rodolfo in Barcelona. Nice guy, good looking, had it going on. It would've never lasted between us. Barcelona is very fast-paced. People always traveling, and very busy with work. He traveled a lot for work. But we had good times in Barcelona. We would go for drinks, to clubs, he would practice English with me, and help me with my resume en espanol. He moved to Belgium for a while and said he'd come to visit in CA back in 06 but that never happened, of course as boys in Spain are notorious for changing their minds so fast.

2.) A necklace with my name engraved in it from my old roommate in Barcelona, David. He definitely chased me, and tried to get me to go out with him and marry him. I just couldn't, and I didn't want to be tied down. I just wasn't feeling it. I eventually moved out and told him to please leave me alone, as he was starting to stalk me. I never even kissed him or entertained his advances, but it never mattered to him. I had no Spanish documents to stay legally, but he did everything he could to help me stay. He suggested marriage, and that there would be " no strings attached" and that I could divorce him anytime, no hard feelings. Hahahaha, I told him "no thanks" and returned to the states a few months later.

I lost contact with him (thank god) and recently found that necklace hidden in my huge luggage I hauled around Barcelona for the year I was there. That necklace represents all the struggles I went through alone in a foreign country, and reminds me of his mother who took care of me for two weeks while I was bedridden for two weeks with the flu during the Xmas holiday.

It was a simple, but pretty necklace that I never wore, and I can't give away because it has my name on it. I didn't want to throw it in the trash.

Anywho, time to go shred those letters.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Legally Frustrated

Hi Kittens,

So today was certainly interesting. I had an interview, which I drove over an hour to get to. The interview was great, and the guy liked what I had to say. Very nice guy, and I was pretty sure he was gonna chose me.

But, I did not get the job. I am not as experienced as the other candidates, which is totally understandable. Because of the recession, employers can pretty much demand a lot and bend you over when it comes to pay.

There is nothing I could've done differently. I mean, all the legal experience I already have is from me busting my ass for free so I can learn something. While volunteer work is nice, it's not really enough. They want solid professional experience, yet no one will give me the chance to prove it to them.

I swear, sometimes I can't win.

I've been on interview after interview. Hours of filling out tons of paperwork.

Last month I had a phone interview, and then drove to the firm, spent three hours in testing, and then I interviewed two other people. For a job as a records clerk.

I later heard that the guy thought I was arrogant.

I know my flaws, and I've never heard that one before. If anything, people always tell me I need more self confidence. So I was shocked out of my mind.

I replayed everything, and figured out that it was because I told him, "If you are not around and I need to take care of something" I will figure it out myself, it should not be that hard." I told him that I am a hard worker, that in my past volunteer work, no one taught me anything and I had to figure things out on my own. So if I could do that, then I could learn this job.

Something along the lines of that.

He misunderstood me and thought I was trying to tell him that his job was so easy and that I would have no problem doing it, and I totally did not mean it that way.

I lost out on that because of a tiny misunderstanding. Last I heard, that position is still open, and it's been over a month and a half, and they were looking to fill that pretty quick.

All I can do is try and forget about this and hope that tomorrow or next week, or whatever will be better.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Charity Case

Hi Kittens,

Some men will say anything to get in your pants. In this day and age, a lot has been said, so men kinda need to be creative and think of new ways to sound original, like our little douche below.

With out further ado................


Title: Generou$ Guy Looking for a Playmate sometime today. Donation 2ur charity

Reply to: pers-352j4-1275018216@craigslist.orgDate: 2009-07-17, 11:52AM

Email me for more details. Good looking and nice guy looking for a nice girl to have some intimate fun..donation 2 ur fav charity:-) Oh yeah, I am good looking alright, just like I am really gonna send money to charity.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

John Gosselin Douchebag Fashion


Hi Loves,
So John and Kate have broken up. Poor John, he is going through an early midlife crisis. After being married for ten years and having EIGHT children, I guess he's really trying to relive his early party years. Only now it just looks sad.

Especially since he's wearing Ed Hardy, which I like to think of as Douchebag Fashions which is really only acceptable to wear up until you are 25 years old where wearing your hat sideways with sunglasses is still acceptable. Not after your thirties. Does he even realize how bad he looks ? I read that Ed Hardy sent John the shirts for free. Why on earth? I think it backfired, as people are making fun of it all over the internet. But at least his fashions are getting recognized.
The funniest thing of it all is that Gosselin wants to design children's clothing. Now you can train your children early to look like little douches. How inspiring.
What I really want to know is why his girlfriend Hailey is into a man with EIGHT children who is still married. They are now talking about getting engaged. lol. Who finds that attractive ???? Nothing wrong with men with children. But c'mon at least make sure he is single and besides, how would she get any private time with him with eight children. What is she gonna do ? Play step mommy at 23 years old ???
It just goes to show that no matter what kind of man he is, there will always be another woman replacement if he is either rich or famous.

Thats a whole bag of douche

Hi Kittens,

I present to you the douche of the day, "manslations" are in bold as usual.

Kisses !




Title: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE INTO HAVING FUN !/ 40 y/o

Reply to: pers-ptccv-1277167292@craigslist.orgDate: 2009-07-18, 6:25PM

OK - You passed the test ! You are both rebelious and fun ! I don't follow directions well, either Not only will you have to stop for directions, you will have to drive the car. Hugs not drugs ! Hippy love I love to cook, and watch movies. I am low maintenance, and I love to laugh ! I figure if I sound like a chick, I can bang one faster. I can relate to a group of drug addicts better than I can relate to a group of wine tasters. No really, I used to be in rehab. I'd rather watch movies than sports All that pot turned me into a lazy sloth. I can feel alone while being surrounded by a group of people because people are tired of my behaviour and leave me alone to talk to the voices I hear. I think of sex 80% of my day as I have a sizeable porn collection. My drummer thinks I'm odd, and strange, not because I think of sex all the time, but because, well I'm not sure exactly why it's because I tried to show him my penis. I take it as a compliment but he surely didn't. I am a loyal friend, a good cook, fun, and once I let you into my life, I wear my heart on my sleeve I will latch on to you and never let go because you will be all I have, my cooking is barely tolerable. I'm told I'm handsome thats what I thought I heard while I was flying high as a kite. No drugs please my sponsor told me to say that. SEND me your pic along with the name of your town even though I didn't send you one. This weeds out the auto response ads that we all hate ! Yes, I'm real a real 40 year old with hippy stink.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Bruno and the beach

Hello There My Lovelies,



So Ashleigh and I went to see Bruno. It was definitely entertaining, and we laughed a lot.

But I have to point out that his German sucks balls. Austrians don't even sound remotely close to how he sounded. Not only that, but he didn't even speak German some of the time. Instead what he did, was he took some English words and mangled badly them with a "Austrian" accent so that the audience couldn't tell the difference. Then they included subtitles, so you could spend time focusing on reading the subtitles instead of actually listening to what he was saying. I was definitely disappointed that he mangled the German language so bad. I am sure my family in Austria are peeved.

But he was funny. He was definitely out there, and there were a lot of penis references. And if you know me and my sense of humor, you know that I think that stuff is funny. But Bruno kinda took it a little too far.

But overall, I had fun watching the film. Definitely NOT getting it on DVD though.

Other than that, Ashleigh and I went for a walk on the beach before we saw Bruno. It was nice out, and the water wasn't too cold. What was nice, was that the seals were swimming very close to the shore, and I have never seen that before, as the water is usually very cold when I go to the beach. I enjoyed walking barefoot in the sand and listening to the waves.

Unfortunately, we saw a dead baby seal that washed up while we were walking. It was real sad. It was just a pup, and was obviously hit by a boat, because it was bleeding around the eyes and mouth. I almost cried, as I love baby animals. I know, I know, it's nature and a lot of young are killed by predators or the elements. But that doesn't mean that I want to see it.

Anywho, that is all for now.

Tootles....

Having $$$ Makes Doucheyness Okay........

TITLE: im rich but i need you to overlook that I have $10 to my name



Reply to: pers-aa8a4-1264907619@craigslist.orgDate: 2009-07-11, 12:04PM


I am seeking for a woman who is special and down to earth such original standards in a woman. I'm not concerned what your race is or your religion or where you are from but I definitely welcome petite Asians or busty blondes. Im actually interested in what kind of person you are than your actual appearance because you will have to search for my inside beauty, as outside is another story. Actually, I am ready to give everyone a chance because you'll have to force yourself to give me a chance . Here are some of the things i would like in someone.... Someone energetic, bubbley bubbly, perky blondes most welcomed and caring don't taunt me like I was in high school. Also, i would like it if you DONT smoke however, if you are its alright as long as you are not a chronic smoker I have no standards, I let women walk all over me, and get bitter when they do. The reason why im telling you im wealthy LMAO is that i prefer you know now because money is the only thing that will make you even fart in my direction, instead of finding out much later when you're already long gone. The fact that you know will allow you to decide if i spark your interest or not. Just because i am wealthy hahahaha doesnt mean i am going to spend all my money on you (i realize this may sound harsh but I want a woman who wants me and not just my money) Really, babe, I won't be spending anything on you because not only am I cheap, but I don't even have that much to my name. Also the wife would find out by seeing those bank withdrawals and overdraft fees- anyway, you never know what the future has in store. I suppose it's possible I could win the lotto sorry i dont have a picture posted, I value my privacy very much not only am I married, but I am not even that hot, and will do the same for you. Well.... Im tall 5'5 with blue eyes, and black hair and I workout as much as I can I couldn't all year. If you are interested, send me an email.



Smell you later !

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Reality TV Whore Discussion...............

Hi Kittens,

All you reality TV whores out there, let's gather in a circle and hold hands, and then come together for a group hug.

As you know, I Mistress Senorita am a Reality TV Whore. I just can't help myself.

Real Housewives of Atlanta is returning for another season on July 30th. To say I can't wait would be an understatement.

-Our little friend Kimmy is banging a married guy, and I want to know if he will be making an appearance as the rumors say he will. On the reunion last season she confessed that yes he is married, but he's been going through a divorce for the past few years. Somehow I doubt that, like he is really gonna leave his wife. At the reunion last season, Nene told her to close her legs to married men, but what is interesting, is Nene is casting stones because it's been rumored that she's been cheating on her own husband, Greg.

-On that show there is a new cast member, Candy, who used to be in the group Xcape in the late '90s. I loved their music. Anywhooch, she has a racy past. But what I am really looking forward to is watching her deal with Nene. They are both calling each other ghetto ! Nothing more entertaining than two chicks argue over who is more ghetto.



Did any of you lovelies watch Millionaire Matchmaker ? And if so, do you remember Sex Toy Dave ? That is really the nickname he goes by. He is a business owner and sells sex toys. He also has a stripper pole in his living room and is quite talented, as he was filmed doing upsidedown twirls. He was matched up twice, and both were busts.

Anyway, he will be on a show on VH1 called Megan wants a Millionaire. Basically some blonde bimbo reality TV chick is looking for a millionaire. She was previously on a bunch of other reality TV shoes. That will be aired in the middle of August.

What really disgusts me though is Danielle Staub from Real Housewives of New Jersey. I saw her rap sheet on Smoking Gun. Not only did she lie about her past and play the victim on national television, but the majority of the viewers actually buy her bullshit and are her loyal fans.

Anywho, that is enough TV trash talk for now, my little furballs. Meow !

Besitos.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Survey Whore is back !!

Hello There Kittens,

Winiviere did a survey, and as she predicted, I would be one of the ones to complete it. My responses are below

What is your salad dressing of choice? Olive oil
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Red Lobster
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Korean bbq ribs
What are your pizza toppings of choice? Green onions and chicken
What do you like to put on your toast? Butter
Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate
How many televisions are in your house? 3
What color cell phone do you have? Red
Do you have a laptop? Yes
Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right
Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Wisdom teeth
What is the last heavy item you lifted? Boxes from storage
Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Not yet, and I hope it never happens
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? No way
If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Eva
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? No
How many pairs of flip flops do you own? One
Last time you had a run-in with the cops? Xmas eve last year
Last person you talked to on the phone? My boss
Last person you hugged? I don't even remember
Favorite Holiday? Thanksgiving
Favorite day of the week? Friday
Month? November
Missing someone? No
Mood? Chilling out
What are you listening to? Me typing this
Watching? Nothing
Worrying about? My job in a couple of months
First place you went this morning? Starbucks to pump caffeine into my bloodstream
What's the last movie you saw? I think Grease
Sleeping Alone Tonight? Yes
Do you always answer your phone? Not if I don't hear it
If you could change your eye color what would it be? I wouldn't. I like mine.
What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? Don't go to Sonic
Do you own a digital camera? Yes
Have you ever had a pet fish? Yes as a kid, I had goldfish, the ones with the big eyes. I remember Squirt and Tiger Lily.
What's on your wish list for your birthday? Oh, I dunno, a hunky man ?
Can you do push ups? Yes
Can you do a chin up? Not a chance
Does the future make you more nervous or excited? A little bit of both
Do you have any saved texts? Yes
Ever been in a car wreck? Yes, let's just say that I am lucky to even be alive
Do you have an accent? When I speak Spanish or German I do
What is the last song to make you tear up? I don't remember, I think At Last by Etta James
Plans tonight? Working
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Yes, especially in 2007
Name 3 things you bought yesterday. The last three things I remember buying are pizza, Asian ricecakes and gas for my car
Have you ever been given roses? Yes
Current hate right now? Don't want to talk about it
Met someone who changed your life? Yes
How did you bring in the New Year? With my Mama Cita Ashleigh. We went ice skating, ate junkfood, watched chick flicks and shouted at the neighbors across from our balcony.
Name 3 people who might complete this? My Mama Cita Ashleigh
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes, I would go back to the 1940s
Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? Yes, well it was a year
Do you have any tattoos/piercings? Never had tattooes, piercings are gone
Does anyone love you? Yes
What songs do you sing in the shower? Not a chance, my roommates have guests over a lot
Ever had someone sing to you? Yes, he was a flamenco artist
Do you like to cuddle? Yes
Have you held hands with anyone today? Negative
Who was the last person you took a picture of? Ashleigh
What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school? Classical music, that is all my mom ever played
Do you believe in staying close with your ex's? No
Are most of the friends in your life new or old? A little bit of both
Do you like pulpy orange juice? No, I like it smooth
What is something your friends make fun of you for? My sense of humor, or my choice in men
Have you ever ridden an elephant? No
Do you like to play Scrabble? I love Scrabble
What are you saving your money up for right now? Pay off the rest of my bills and an emergency cash fund
When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? Last year
What were you doing 12 AM last night? Getting off work
What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Who on earth is calling me this early ?

Our Persian Friend Has Struck Again



Hello My Babies,

As Organic Meatbag (one of my readers) has said, it's the return of the Feral Persian Manimal. In all of his Persian Glory.

Below is his latest creation.







Title: ~*~*~ I dream of a Gentle, Glamorous, and FAT Lady ~*~*~ I wanna get all up in her stuff

I am attractive lol , neat, nice, mature an old bag, educated, spiritual Jesus would want me to bang you, and ethical man if I am considered attractive, then I am ethical. I have various interests including gardening your lady garden and more. I am looking for a great friend and sincere partner to enjoy life together. Please, replay with a detail email and if possible with a recent picture because as you can see, I didn't hold anything back. Thank you. Merci.

Keywords: BBW, large, full-figured, overweight OKAY we get it, honesty, support, respect, kindness, maturity, morality, wisdom as you can see from my grey hair, quality, understanding look past my pot belly and bushy eyebrows, family, community, humanity, happiness, loneliness I like them lonely, sadness, sorrow, cure I will cure your ailments with my penis, excitement, hopes, progress, civilization, catholic, Jewish Im Muslim but my penis doesn't discriminate.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Douchebaggery en espanol.............

Hello There Kittens,

Enough of me talking about myself. Time to get back to business and give you another "manslation".

I am seeing a lot of ads on Craiglist popping up in Spanish. Like the gem below for example.

I don't even know what to say, he even writes like he probably sounds which makes me laugh. He probably doesn't even speak English, but tried his darnest in his pursuit for pussy. The funny part is not only can he not grasp the English language, but his Spanish sucks too. Actually, just as bad as his English in my opinion.

Without further ado, I present to you this...............

Title: hi hola i am mexican men Shocker !

hi i am loocking women horny 18 old 45 old very very horny I no speeky English but I speak with tongue. I very, very bad, oh jes, por favor I am 45, but prefiero the 18 year olds.

ando buscando conpania descreta relacion setu eres manda tu mail y yo te mando el mio secuidan Quieres ver la pinga ? Tengo pelotas como toro. Te mando por correo o por movil.

That is all for now.

Thank you

Gracias

Monday, July 13, 2009

Goddess

Today I tried out my new double veils that my friend made. I felt like a goddess. I also got new music from iTunes, so I danced to that as well. I had a nice work out session today. I don't know what I would do without Bellydance. It helps me tap into my feminine side, and it makes me feel more womanly. It is definitely a female dance.

Today I tried out the new music and took my veils for a spin. I am trying to work on spinning longer without getting too dizzy.Our next performance is in September so I am trying to come up with a routine and make it original. It's definitely good exercise.

On another note, I went to storage today to try to get rid of some of my stuff. I read in another blog (by Loving Annie btw) that she got rid of her old love letters from an old boyfriend. That she didn't need to hold on to that anymore. She's been holding on to it for years. I am a very sentimental person. I have every card and letter people have written to me since I was 15. Also I have a lot of keepsakes from when I was a child. A lot of pictures, a lot of things to remind me of who I was in the past, that remind me of my childhood.I went in storage today and realized that there is a lot of that that I can part with. If Loving Annie can get rid of something so deep like love letters, then surely I can part with the past that I am no longer a part of.

I did not have a normal life. When I look back, other than some of the fads we had in school and in society, it does not make me smile. When I was a child and a teen, all I wanted to do was turn 18 so I could take control over my life. I really didn't enjoy being a kid, and I just wanted to be an adult.

I held on to a lot of the stuff to remind me where I came from. I thought that I would want to go back and see how far I've come along. To see the progress in my life. What I didn't realize is that by holding on to that, it was also holding on to part of the pain I had too. I don't need that anymore.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Random happenings over the weekend

Hello There My Lovelies,

Never a dull moment in the life of Mistress Senorita.

I had to meet my friend to get my double veils and costume top fixed. She lives in a gated area in a ghettofabulous area.

I forgot my cell to call her to let me in, so instead I had to climb over the gate. I stood on the dumpster and kinda jumped over. Been a long time since I've done that.

Before then, as I was looking for parking, I almost hit a guy. I felt so bad. The road was crowded with parked cars and I took my eye off for one second, and I almost hit him.

I rolled down the window and appologized profusely, luckily he was nice about it. I got out of the car and he saw me holding my costume bra and my Victoria's Secret bag with my veils in it, and he looked me up and down and stared. I felt awkward and scurried away so I could jump over the fence in peace.

On another note, yesterday I went to the YMCA with my friend to practice a dance routine for our September performance. While I was in the bathroom, there was this one women that was just standing around naked. Usually when I go to the gym women around me are more modest. Not this woman. She walked right up to my friend and started talking, with her goodies hanging out.

I was waiting for my friend in the bathroom, and I was sitting on the bench. A little while later, Ms. Naked comes back out in the buff and makes her way towards me. I realized I was sitting next to her locker. I immediately appologize and move, and start looking down, and she gives me this wierded out look, like I am being rude for not treating her like I would a clothed person. My friend was just making mindless banter with her, and Ms. Naked just stands there giving us a full frontal view for a few before even thinking about getting dressed.

Maybe I need to lighten up, I don't know. She was a little older, and I am not used to seeing my mom's generation strutting in the buff. My parents didn't raise me like that.

But the most embarassing thing that happened to me over the weekend ? I won't be divulging that here. I will post in my private blog soon. I will just say it was a OMG WTF moment.

Brain Clutter

Hello There Lovelies,

I swear, I always have the wierdest dreams. Once in a while in my dreams I will visit the same place I have before in my dreams. I will sometimes find myself walking around in a house that I swear I've been to before. Nothing like I've seen in real life, but something I would recognize from a previous dream. And they aren't houses from a fantasy land. They are houses you would normally see around here.

Most of the time my dreams are not pleasant and I am more than happy to wake up. Aside from the nightmares, I usually have dreams where I run into people from the past I don't want to see, or people are ganging up on me and taunting me. Or I will have the occasional dream from my waitress past. You know that dream, where you are running ten tables all by yourself, you have the restaurant to yourself and everyone keeps demanding stuff all at once, and you keep forgetting to bring stuff to the table. Either that or I am on my way home and I realize I forgot to cash out.

I don't like to talk about the nightmares, as I was once told not to talk about your dreams after waking up. I am sure it is a spiritual belief somewhere, but I am also scared of verbalizing them into reality.

Last night, I dreamed that one of my friends turned on me for no reason at all. I owed her money for making a costume and she didn't even want to take the money. Then I go home to look in the mirror only to realize that I had somehow bleached my hair. It was chopped into a bob, and some of my roots were blonde, and some weren't and then some of the tips were blonde, and some weren't. It was wierd but somehow I ended up liking it.

Then I woke up.

Very occasionally I will have a nice dream where I am cleaning, and I reach down and there is a stack of $300. That or I am somehow finding tons of cash. Or I am going out with a great guy.

But I would give up all the good dreams to erase the bad ones.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Hey there sexxi baby, wanna watch ?

Hello There My Babies,


Craigslist does not disappoint for "manslations". In addition to the married men, white men with Asian fetishes, married white men with Asian fetishes, there are the men that like to be on display. Basically they want women to watch them get off.

Anywho, here is the douche of the day..........................



Title: good looking gentlemen like every other man on Craigslist seeks lady who likes to watch



I am very tall, good looking and easy going, playful woof !, respectful gentleman my penis is very respectful too in his late 30s 39 who has a little secret fantasy that is harmless and fun for all involved. I really like to strip slowly and seductively for a cute woman, put on little show wiggle my hips and shake my junk, stroke myself for you until I release in your face. I would love to find a discreet play partner because I am clearly married and my wife never liked my antics for an occasional sexy rendezvous of this nature. It's a great form of safe sex until I try to force myself on you at the end. You are free to grope, make cat calls, ask me to pose, etc. or just sit back and watch the show and I will try to get you to touch my wiener as I gyrate in your face. I am also very discreet my penis isn't, willing to exchange descriptions and then after we talk on the phone, I'll send you a pic clearly taken in the eighties. Or we could meet somewhere in cafe so I can attempt lewd acts under the table and in the bathroom. If this interests you, please contact me and let's have some sexy playful fun.

Singawhore


Well Hello There My Babies,
This gem of an ad came out in Singapore. When I first saw it I thought it was all a joke. But it is a real ad. Someone obviously didn't get finished off that morning and decided to take it out on the ad campaign.
First off, this ad is just tacky. They just had to go there with the blonde chick with whore red lipstick. C'mon the Singaporean population does not consist of blonde white chicks. Then they had to mention the 7 incher meat sandwhich loaded with mayo.
What these prizes didn't think of was this ad could possibly backfire.
For starters, this ad blatantly compares their meat sandwhich to a penis. Most men don't want to think of a penis while they are chowing down on their meat sandwhich. And chicks probably just feel objectified by looking at it.
Don't get me wrong, I love suggestive commercials. Operative word SUGGESTIVE. This ad pretty much is BAM in your face and even says BLOW. So lame and so not creative.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Mistress Senorita's 10

Hello There My Lovelies,





Lately, I've been seeing "My Honest 10" being passed around here in Blogger Land. Basically you tell your readers 10 things about you.





And here are my 10:

1.) I've moved around a lot. I've never lived in the same place for more than 4 years.

2.) I used to get picked on all the time in school up until my junior year of high school. I was a loner and had no friends. I was pigeon-toed, I used to talk with a lisp, wore baggy clothes and no makeup, and had acne as a teen. I corrected the lisp through practice and the acne went away after I turned 18.

3.) I am still pigeon-toed.

4.) I lived in Barcelona for a year after college. I pretty much went there alone, without a plan, and with no working papers. I worked under the table as an English tutor and telemarketer and came back home after a year. I could've married into Spanish citizenship, but I didn't want to get married unless I was in love.

5.) I would love to skydive before I kick the bucket.

6.) I am picky about my sweets. I love chocolate, and ice cream. I don't like things like cheesecake, fruit pastries, or hard candies.

7.) My favorite ice cream is hands down mint chocolate chip.

8.) In April I decided to go on "Dating Detox" for the rest of the year. No dating, and no pressure on myself to snag a man before I turn 30. I used to be scared of being single with no man in sight into my thirties, but now I welcome the possibility and am no longer scared.

9.) In April I also decided I no longer wanted any contact with my exes and other male friends who haven't been good friends. I cut them all out of my life and haven't looked back since. Women always have some guy that they can call up to chat. Most women always have that backup guy. I dumped out all of that have not missed it.

10.) I don't dream of buying a house, I am not saving for a nice car. I dream of traveling, and spending money overseas. I feel there is a huge world outside of the United States, and I want to learn more about it. I just wish I could travel and be adventurous all over again.

Once you go Persian there is no other version, Baby !! ;)




Hey Ladies,
would you wanna go to bed with this and then have to look at this every morning ?? I didn't think so...........
What if this man told you that he is athletic and above average ? What would you say to that ? Especially after he posted his pictures ? To his credit, he did post his pictures though so I will give credit where it is due.
This guy is a little extra special because he included two different ads within a couple of hours. Both pictures from each ad are above, and both ads he typed are below.
Anywho, his ads are pasted below, and I will include my "manslations" in bold.
Please note that my writing looks smooshed together because I have pictures included. Whenever I include pictures in an entry, I can't properly space out my paragraphs. Therefore to differentiate between the two ads, I used different fonts for each of them.
Title:~*~*~ Glamorous, Nice, Attractive, BIG & BUSTY Lady Sought Only classy women with big boobies ~*~*~
Hello and thank you for your interest Salam. I am looking for quality friendship, intimacy and partnership with a sincere full-figured, curvy, plus-sized, thick, voluptuous, BBW, large, or fat that's right, I just referred to some women as fat LADY who has a sophisticated taste I wanna show you some of my Persian spices and easygoing personality. Overall, she is wise, trustworthy, caring, strong, educated, and gentle I wanna rough her up a little LADY-FRIEND WITH STYLE AND SUBSTANCE she can look past my double chin. It has always been easier for me to have quality and satisfying relationship with a large woman rather than a petite one. I know what I am looking for and know how to APPERICIATE a beautiful brainy woman with PROPORTIONATE body Not only can I not spell, but I can't tell the difference between proportionate and fat. Quality and quantity - wise I am above the average Joe on CL and have athletic body hahahahaha.. I am a 5’.8” tall and weight about 210 No I don't. I am attractive my mom loves my face, neat, clean-cut if you can look past my unkempt hair, friendly, honest not really, responsible, educated, thoughtful, positive, kind, and sensitive PERSIAN-BORN WE GET IT. I am spiritual and believe in Karma If you bang me, you'll have good karma too. I do not drink nor smoke.
After he posted this, this gem decided to make another appearance in all his Persian glory:
Title:~*~*~ Holy and Sophisticated Lady Sought for Earthy Pleasures ~*~*~ I wanna bang a virgin
I am 54 attractive, neat not my eyebrows, clean-cut, wise I have grey hair, well educated, responsible, kind, friendly, spiritual, and PERSIAN POINT TAKEN. I would like to find a well-groomed please wax your naughty bits, SINCERE look past my double chin and bushy eyebrows and ethical lady with good KARMA I can't bang a woman with bad karma going around for a meaningful friendship and more. Please, replay with a detail email and if possible a recent picture and give me English pointers. Thank you. Merci

Bruno !


Hello My Lovelies,


I've been looking forward to this weekend, because Bruno is coming out in theaters. I plan on seeing it with Ashleigh.


When Borat came out, I thought it was hilarious. But I am especially looking forward to Bruno because Sasha Cohen is assuming the role of a gay Austrian reporter.


For those of you lovelies that don't know, my mother is from Austria and all of her family is still there. Of course he doesn't sound Austrian at all. But since he is making fun of Austrians, I would like to see for myself what his perception is of the land of Mozart, Sound of Music and pastries.


Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Hotandsexyfiremanwithbighose4u

Hello My Babies..............

"Manslation" time 4 u !

Title: Strapping Fireman with a Big Hose big man, big firetruck, small penis (oakland downtown)

Ok the title is cheesy false advertising i'll admit but I couldn't resist as trying this for only the 3rd time because it's a numbers game, baby, eventually someone will buy it. The other 2 times I got only a few replies and most of the women were either really fat, really ugly, or really really old because I am really fat, ugly and old. Some were all three just like me !. Hopefully this net I cast now will turn up an edible fish ( no pun intended) pun definitely intended, I want to do bad, dirty things to you upon meeting you. I'm tall and built and buff, 6'2 205, rugged and handsome blah blah blah. Women seem to find me attractive and I'm outgoing and fun twenty years ago. I'm open to white, latin and asian women. The main thing is that you be someone that takes care of themselves no fatties !. I'm 34 years old will be 40 next year, like to have fun, would like to meet a sensual sexy woman but there must be chemistry I like 'em slutty. A drink would be a good start as we will both look better under the influence !

Random Thoughts of Senorita

Hello My Lovelies,

Now that Michael Jackson's memorial is over, I wish that he would stop dominating the news. Now people just have to know where he is being buried. Who the hell cares ? I do have to say that I laughed out loud when our dear little friend Al Sharpton gave Michael Jackson the credit for getting Obama elected as president in the memorial yesterday. He said that it was MJ who broke down race barriers so that Obama, a black man would be elected into office. Wow, and after that the reporters were commenting on how wonderful Al Sharpton's speech was and basically kissing his ass. I wanted to vomit.

Wow, so Martin Luther King twenty years earlier had nothing to do with it ? I understand MJ helped facilitate the process and broke down barriers, but many people all over the world had to come together to make the world a more equal place. Also I guess all those activists during the years were useless. And since it was all Michael Jackson, people making the decision to stop hating had nothing to do with it.

Like I mentioned above, the MJ hoopla has gotten way out of hand. People are also saying that they saw his ghost at Neverland. While a reporter was giving a tour of the house, you could see a shadow across the wall. People were all "OMG OMG, that's MJ's ghost !" I saw the footage, and it was clearly the shadow of a cameraman walking across the property. I believe in ghosts, but c'mon !

There was a quote made by someone a while back that I really agree with " No one ever went broke by underestimating the intelligence of the American public." I agree 100%.

Speaking of which, MSNBC has been marketing itself as "THE place for politics." Their slogan is "Yep, we're talking politics." Anytime, you use a slang word like "yep" and "politics" in a sentence, I question that.

America is the place where there is a solution to everything. We have a pill for everything, a name for any condition you may have. You have high cholesterol ? Don't work on your diet, just take a pill. You have headaches due to stress ? Don't get extra sleep and work on your diet. Just keep pushing yourself and popping painkillers.

You can't afford that nice house ? It's okay, because we will extend the credit to you anyway. And when you can't afford the payments anymore, you don't have to take responsibility. It is the the government's fault for not stopping you in making a bad decision.

You don't know what to think ? That's okay we will bring in political analysts on TV to help you make decisions. We will tell you what to think. Oh look, and we'll even do it in High Definition. Just sit back, relax, and don't think. We will think for you. We may even bring in a couple of ex advisors and lawyers. Because they have credentials, you can just take what they say and believe it. We know how busy you are, so don't think because we will think for you. Oh look, news in two minutes ! How convenient !

I watched MSNBC cover the news this morning out of a combo of boredom and not wanting to get off my ass to exercise. So while I was watching and eating Ben and Jerry's I saw them cover Sarah Palin leaving her post as governor first followed by Michael Jackson and the hoopla of people wondering where he was really buried. Only after that nonsense did they say that they would come back to cover Obama in Italy.

I couldn't give two shits about Palin. I only cared when she was up for VP. She's Alaska's problem now so let them deal with it. Also, MJ is dead. He can't come back, he can't be put on trial anymore, and he isn't going to England so leave the man alone and let his family mourn in peace.

Going back to Obama, I have been noticing that Obama usually gets a lot of coverage when he's giving friendly interviews. Yet, when he's off actually meeting with officials, it doesn't really make it in the news.

Okay, I best get off my soap box now and maybe even get some exercise.

Tootles, my lovelies.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

MJ Memorial Service

Hello Lovelies,

I just got done watching the MJ Memorial Service in LA.

What a beautiful ceremony. I wonder if any celebrity or figure will ever get such a grand send off like Michael Jackson did.

It broke my heart when Paris, MJ's daughter took to the stage and cried that her daddy was the best daddy ever. My heart goes out to his children. The media are pursuing his kids, and I wish that the children would be left out of it. They don't deserved to have the cameras on them while they grieve.

It was nice that for a couple of hours people came together for him, because now the legal battles are just beginning.

Growing up I always wanted to be famous, but watching all this play out on TV makes me happy to not be a public figure.

Let's watch a little naughty naughty......

Hello There My Lovelies,

Time for another "manslation" !

Title: Do you enjoy Watching Porn ? 28 y/o

Is there a woman out there that enjoys watching porn as much as an average male does? Let's skip the introduction and get down to the dirty dirty. I'm not a particularly big fan of the genre LIAR, but I do enjoy it from time to time twice a day. I think that a woman who enjoys porn is probably easy to talk to and get along with because if we're watching it together, we won't be talking. Let's talk or, maybe even better, let's watch and get it on.

Monday, July 6, 2009

An Argument on Craigslist with a Douchebag--- Looong post

Hello My Loves,

So................. Yesterday I was perusing Craigslist for future "manslations". I normally never respond to any of them, but I came across one that just inspired me to respond and offer up my pearls of wisdom. I know, it was a waste of time to argue with him. But, yesterday I definitely had the time on my hands to entertain myself. And entertainment it was.................

Okay, so here is the original post:

Title: Why Are All Women Morons ? 34/Palo Alto

Ok, before I receive death threats from NOW let me first preface my diatribe with the following caveat: I respect women. Hell, I f’n LOVE women. Almost everything about them, from their phenomenal emotional rigor to a maternal capacity to nurture that far exceeds any man’s. Let’s just admit it now, woman are AMAZING!! Beautiful, soft, caring and able to absolutely level me with a single glance.

That stated, however, I'm beginning to find the possibility of ever finding a female able to meet the following three simple criteria inconceivable; Beauty, Intelligence, Stability. We can tackle them one at a time, thus making the denigrating rhetoric I'm bound to receive in response to my pontification easier to construct.

Beauty. Oh Dear God beauty. I'm not talking about internet-porn-I-just-got-fake-tits-as-a-high-school-graduation-present beauty, which, in point of fact is absolutely an unmitigated turn off. I'm also not talking about the Hollywood version of aesthetics that mandates no less than 37 layers of make-up, a body weight of less than eleven pounds and a five hundred dollar hair cut. I'm talking about good old fashioned cute. Like wake up in the morning next to me all sleepy headed with your hair ruffled and your eyes fighting the rising sun kind of cute. The kind of cute that means you can just throw on a pair of jeans and a sweat shirt then throw your hair in a pony tail and be comfortable enough to go out confidently cute. I don't like make up, I don't care for vanity and I despise any plastic surgery induced gravity defying flesh. Why the hell is this such a difficult concept? Before I continue I'll prophylacticly respond to the obvious forthcoming interrogation with the following digits; 8.0. That's what a recent poll of friends and co-workers revealed about my own looks on a one to ten scale. I have absolutely no idea what that means, but there it is none the less. I’m not a calvin klein underwear model nor am I eligible to play Quasimodo in any upcoming Disney remakes. I’m simply a regular guy with a professional job and an above average sense of both humor and perspective.

Intelligence. Fuck …. Here we go …. I know there are intelligent women out there. I went to undergrad with a number of them. I went to graduate school with a number of them. I went to medical school with a lot of them. Hell, most of them got better grades than me… that stated, however, I have found it damn near impossible to find any in this city. Why is that? And this is an absolute prerequisite. I can’t do dumb. I can’t even do average. Looks? They’re really not that important …. But brains? Deal breaker. Which leads us to my current predicament. I shouldn’t have to curtail my vernacular during casual conversations. Is there a preclusive statute regarding polysyllabic words in the Midwest? With the intellectual capital that exists in the peri-university culture of Chicago? It’s inconceivable, and yet I seem incapable of meeting women capable of intelligent discourse. Oh there's a bastion of females who can chat for hours of the myriad benefits of reality television, or converse at length about why brand X blush is clearly superior to brand Y blush, or my personal favorite, a chronological listing of 8,000 reasons why they deserve to kept in an affluent lifestyle. Openly discussing the impediments to peace in the middle east? Or having a frank talk regarding the merits of gun control? Or being able to tie their shoes without adult supervision?

Stability. Hmmm … let me start with a frank admission of bipartisan guilt in this matter. Men don’t get it. Never have. Probably never will. Women really aren’t that difficult to understand. In point of fact they’re actually quite simple to understand. Take the flower thing. Ladies don’t get all excited when a guy buys them flowers because they like flowers. They’re independent people, if they wanted flowers that bad they’d go buy some themselves. They like it cause it means that the guy was thinking about them at a time when he wasn’t naked asking for a blow job. So I get it, I really do, I understand the male/female dichotomy. Men are from mars, women are from Venus, five love languages, etc. But what I don’t understand is the emotional lability. I don’t understand the everything-is-going-well-until-she-freaks-out-for-no-reason situations. I never get angry. I especially never get angry at someone I care about. This translates into no yelling, no unkind words, no threats, no purposely putting salt into old wounds as a means to intentionally causing me pain. How is this a mature response to a situation? If there’s an issue talk to me about it, don’t throw a tantrum and start disparaging my ancestors …

So there we have it. Three simple, albeit apparently incompatible, traits. I’m sure that many will read this and simply scoff or laugh. Some will read it with a modicum of objectivity and perhaps reply with more than spite and ridicule. At the very least I’d like to know if I’m simply being too specific. Should I abrogate one or two of the criteria? Should I dismiss from my mind immediately the possibility of actually meeting a “normal” cute and intelligent female? Or should I just get used to internet porn and hand lotion? Is it really that inconceivable? And yes, I realize that I keep on using that word, but I actually do know what it means.


And here is my response:


Dear Poster in Palo Alto,

Lemme prophylactically respond to the forthcoming flaming you will probably subject me to after I state my opinion about your post. Oh, and in your post, you spelled "prophylactically" wrong. I know, it's such a simple mistake and all, but since you're so big on vernacular and intelligence, it's worth pointing out.

I know you like women, you sound like a straight man. It sounds that you're attracted to women, but you don't really like them, you are more resentful of the fact that you like them and are attracted to them.I find it hard to believe that you never get angry, as you pointed out in your post. You call all women moronic, and then you use the F word in your post. Then you wonder why you can't find anyone ? Maybe women don't like your attitude and I can't blame them.

Way to go with sprinkling big vocabulary words. Most people don't talk like that. Not even the attorneys I worked for have conversations like that. I may have understood everything you wrote, but I never talk like that, and neither do any of my educated friends. Besides, you are posting on Craigslist. What the hell do you expect ? Craigslist is the bottom of the barrel for personals. If you're so intelligent and upscale like you are trying to imply with your writing, then shell out a few extra dollars and go to a better website. Or better yet, how about you meet women off the internet ? Trust me, if you're an 8 like you state, women will come to you. I live here in the SF Bay too, and I see it all the time.

I read your ad with a "modicum of objectivity", and I understand where you are coming from. I get it, you're attracting shallow, vapid skank whores, gold-diggers, either that or some butt ugly females and you're mad. Your standards of beauty, intelligence and stability are reasonable. What is not reasonable is your angry attitude, labeling all women morons in the title of your post.

With your attitude, you better stock up on tissues, lotion, or porn. Actually, screw all that and get a flesh light.

Good luck to you my friend.



If you made it this far, he responded to me this morning......................


Wow .... Vapid skank whores? My my my that is without a doubt the most intriguing three word phrase I have ever received in a response! It made me smile, and for that I thank you.

And you're right, I did spell prophylactically incorrectly. For some reason I know the meanings to thousands of words I can't spell properly. Strange isn't it? And "big on vernacular and intelligence" isn't quite the point I was endeavoring to get across, but I can understand how it may have come across that way. Regardless, I'll take the time to respond to all of your points sequentially since your response was the only one of 23 that was in any way shape or form worth reading, even if it adopted a confrontational stance from the outset.
"I know you like women, you sound like a straight man. It sounds that you're attracted to women, but you don't really like them, you are more resentful of the fact that you like them and are attracted to them."
Hmmmm, you can tell I'm a straight male just from the posting? Interesting. As it so happens I am attracted to women, short ones, tall ones, skinny ones (as long as they don't look like Kate Moss), rotund ones (curvy is much cuter than most men will admit), you name it. A woman's curves and stance are just plain beautiful. But resentful? Not at all. I'm rather secure in my heterosexuality, as I think that all people should be in their own respective preferences.

"I find it hard to believe that you never get angry, as you pointed out in your post. You call all women moronic, and then you use the F word in your post. Then you wonder why you can't find anyone ? Maybe women don't like your attitude and I can't blame them."
I don't get angry, I really don't. I'm one of hte more patient humans you'll ever meet (or won't meet as the case may be, but that is neither here nor there). Mostly it comes down to a fundamental belief I have in higher brain function and the characteristics that separate homo sapiens from all other life forms. The frontal cortex, that part of the brain that is the most "advanced" is able to control emotional responses initiated in the lower brain segments. As far as I know humans are the only creatures capable of such control. The problem is that the vast majority of humans in fact do not control their emotional responses, leading to, in no particular order, violence, arguments, hate, spite, contempt, etc. Why this is has puzzled me since I was 5 years old. There is simply no reason why two mature and supposedly rational individuals can't work out their differences without resorting to animalistic tendencies. And the F word as you put it? I've never really had someone insinuate that they found that offensive. Perhaps you did, and for that I apologize. As for women not liking my attitude and you not blaming them? Ouch ....

"Way to go with sprinkling big vocabulary words. Most people don't talk like that. Not even the attorneys I worked for have conversations like that. I may have understood everything you wrote, but I never talk like that, and neither do any of my educated friends."Big volcabulary words huh? For what it's worth I don't speak that like either, but there was intent in my post that I often do not insert into my daily speech pattern. I find it interesting that you hold attorneys in such high regard; I've never really been that impressed with the legal field. And you're right, they don't speak that like, but if you read their breifs and statements they're full of the "beaurocratic style" so prevalent in academia. A lot of it has to do with my fundamental enjoyment of the english language and the vast array of beautiful words it contains, and a lot of it has to do with the fact that a lot of my friends are European and employ a far grander scope of language into their daily usage than Americans do. What I don't understand is why you would seem to take offense to the words used in the posting? If you understood them then wonderful!! You're clearly an educated person, congratulations. But if you thought I was purposely "upping" the wording to come across as intelligent then you're sorely mistaken.


"Besides, you are posting on Craigslist. What the hell do you expect ? Craigslist is the bottom of the barrel for personals. If you're so intelligent and upscale like you are trying to imply with your writing, then shell out a few extra dollars and go to a better website. Or better yet, how about you meet women off the internet ? Trust me, if you're an 8 like you state, women will come to you. I live here in the SF Bay too, and I see it all the time."

Ummmm, yeah. Point taken .....next.

"I read your ad with a "modicum of objectivity", and I understand where you are coming from. I get it, you're attracting shallow, vapid skank whores, gold-diggers, either that or some butt ugly females and you're mad. Your standards of beauty, intelligence and stability are reasonable. What is not reasonable is your angry attitude, labeling all women morons in the title of your post."

Ahhhhh, now here we go. I received a lot of responses to this ad and half of them took exception to the title. Half took the time to actually read and contemplate what was said before responding and arrived at a different conclusion. You, on the other hand seem to have fallen into a third category in which you take the time to read and comprehend but still formulate a mallicious opinion. Interesting.

"With your attitude, you better stock up on tissues, lotion, or porn. Actually, screw all that and get a flesh light. "

Wow !! Now you had been reasonable throughout, insightful, opinionated but logically so. Why all of a sudden adopting this aggressive and spiteful stance? Seems contradictory. I appreciate your opinion, I value the fact that you took the time construct such an interesting response and I find your points valid. But the insertion of denigrating closing arguments diminishes much of what you'd clearly taken the time to write. Why? Such a shame really. Although I must admit I'm terribly intrigued that you know what a fleshlight is!! I don't even know what to think of that.


Cheers,

Jason

There you have it my lovelies, tooteloo

Sunday, July 5, 2009

A Little Disclosure

Hello My Lovelies,

So as you know, I have been doing my "manslations" for the past few months. Basically, I read personals for men trolling for women, and write my translations, as to what I think they really mean.

The word "manslation" is not really mine. I heard it somewhere on TV a while back and just borrowed the term. Especially since I am not profiting here on this blog and my blog is fairly hidden and not read by many.

But what I didn't realize, is that the term is actually used by a man named Jeff Mac on another public website and that his whole business is built upon that name :

www.manslations.com

He also authored a book called Manslations. I find him to be entertaining.

Until I think of something I can trademark, I will continue to borrow his term here in my blog and use it in quotations.

I will let you know when I come up with a different word.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

You're so hot, wanna see my fireman hose ;)

Happy Fourth My Lovelies,

In honor of our holiday, I decided to do another manslation. Who the hell am I kidding, I just felt like doing another one, but Happy Fourth of July !

Also, in the spirit of disclosure, I respect firemen, but c'mon. I am tired of them using the "I'm a fireman" card on the internet to get laid. I have a ton of respect for them, they are the nicest city government department out there and I support their efforts. But most of the firemen I've seen out there that are single are just playing the field and aren't actually serious. Not that I blame them, as women are all over men in uniform.

But I prefer men in suits or business attire anyway. I stopped the "men in uniform" phase about two years ago. I prefer business men, attorneys, math nerds, the smarter the better.........

Anywho, without further ado my babies, here is my little nugget that I leave you with..........


Title: Asian and Like Husky Men ? Woof !



I don't like to brag but I have to play this game a little here right? I'm so stupid I'm even telling you about my dating strategies. I'm a good looking white guy not really, but I hear all Asian chicks like any white dudes, so yeah, I am pretty damn good looking tall muscular body and lately a couple of hours ago very attracted to Asian women. Maybe my tastes changed from the typica blondes out there. The Pamela Lee look a likes are rejecting me. But the thing is I am a man's man type men like me too. I'm a firefighter, strong and rugged old. Eight years after 9/11 I am still playing the fireman's card to get laid. Seems many Asian women prefer a computer programmer with pale skin. I'm just bitter that they're not throwing themselves at a white fire fighter like me. Are there any Asian women out there that like a real man's man type of guy? Whine whine whine, why won't any of you sleep with me ? Just broke up with my white gf of nearly 4 years. Total baggage, rebound, and I will be whining about how she cheated on me for a fellow, younger fireman with a bigger hose. Also, I'm just afraid Asian women are too conservative for my 'wild' side. But maybe I'm wrong? Basically, I watch Asian anime porn and I want you to be extra slutty with huge boobs. I'm not crazy just a little freaky in the bedroom and open minded. I will make you do everything I saw in the anime porn.Maybe you are like me? If you are a silent Asian cartoon character with monstrous boobs, please holla back ! If you like attractive caucasian men then let's at least talk and see where it goes. I'm 36 years old. I'm actually 40.

My Mini Vacay in Mendocino




Hello There My Lovelies,
Blogger is free, and I don't have a clue how to use the slideshow, if that even is an option, so please go easy on me for my awkward format today. For starters, every time I post images in my bloggy here, my writing ends up smooshed together, into one big pile, even though I try to space it out. So please know that I am not careless, it's the format. Maybe I can upgrade into a better blog format down the road.
As you know, I bought a digi cam a couple of weeks ago, so I decided to take some pics. The pics in the forest were taken on the way up to my grandma's house.
I stopped in the woods to snap some shots. It was so quiet and peaceful with the occasional car zooming by. But the air was crisp, and the sun was shining through, and it was very calm. The whole way up I had been blasting my music. But to turn that off and get out of the car to take pics in the forest is an experience I haven't had for a while.
The pics of the animals such as the quail and deer were taken in my grandma's house, as she has a nice view of the forest as well as the beach. There are no pics of the beach because although it is sunny here in the SF Bay and hotter than Satan's asscrack, it was a different story in Mendocino. It was foggy and cold. Maybe I will get better shots next time.
The cat is named Sweetums, and she owns my dad. You think I am trying to be cute, but I am not. This cute ball of fur has my old man wrapped around her paws. Her full name is Mistress Sweetums, but I just call her Sweetums and she is a sweet cat. The pics of the red flowers are in my grandma's garden and the pics of the yellow flowers were taken in town.
Feel free to use the pictures for your enjoyment, but please remember that these are mine, they are my work, so just let people know where you got it if you use it.