Hello There My Little Swingline Staplers,
So as you know I am working in an office. I have had many jobs including waitressing, car rental, telemarketing, security, retail and fast food, not in that order. So basically you could say that I've had to deal with the public. Oh, ths stories I have. Actually, I have a lot of them in my archives in this blog. It's a miracle that not once have I ever told a customer off.
I am soooooo glad I don't have to do that anymore. It's like a weight has been lifted off my soul. I think everyone should have a job dealing with the public before they are released into the real world. But that's not my problem anymore !
Anyway, I am about to turn thirty and this is the first time I'm actually working in an office. (Long story, I've had to go back to school and then face a shitty economy) I've been getting assaulted by huge legal files. I got my first nasty paper cut on my finger by a thick legal file folder.
The other day a stapler snapped in half, the copier jammed and the printer laughs at me. It's always out of paper, running out of ink, and switching default printers on me.
And I think I am getting carpal tunnel syndrome.
It all reminds me of my favorite movie Office Space. Except that I don't have to sport any flair.
For starters, I am a stapler whore. I make sure I am never without one. I guess you could say that I am like this guy, but without the gut and glasses: (Don't worry, all the video clips are short)
My cube is even starting to look like that with all the files piling up !
Everyone has an annoying wench like this in their office ! I can totally identify with Milton. I love my cake and if some beezy like that tried to get me to part with my piece of cake, I would introduce her to a piece of my foot up her bloated ass:
And before I log off, this is what I fantasize about doing to our office machines:
Just think of that as my parting gift !
Besitos my loves !
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Why Women Give Up and Turn Lesbian........... Long and Hard Post Ahead !
Whassup my Bitches ???
Guess what ! Mama is back with another ad from Craigslist, where a man is looking forpussy female company.
On Craigslist they have a section for Men Looking for Women, aka M4W which is supposed to be for dating/relationships. They also have Casual Encounters as well as Misc Romance (probably another word for pimps and ho's)
What I find amusing is that a lot of men ( many of them married) looking for simple fucking knowingly post theirpleas for pussy ads in M4W because they think that the women in Casual Encounters are too casual. Basically, yeah they want to have casual sex, but they want consistent casual sex, so they think it's a step up to beg for sex post an ad in M4W. They really think that they are getting something better. It's like they think the girls will be prettier and smarter. I don't get it. Hello ?! It's Craigslist. No matter where you post on Craigslist, it doesn't get better period. They are all the same.
Anyway, I am rambling, but sadly this time I am not doing a "manslation". I am just doing a copy and paste from an ad that I found last month. It's not because I am lazy. It's because the ad is so damn long, that even if I did attempt to do one, you would probably stop reading midway.
Anyway, I definitely don't expect you to read the whole thing because it is long and not in a good way. But I made it through and was thoroughly amused. It me wonder what the hell was going through his head when he wrote it. Sometimes I wonder where guys come up with the stuff they write. Like why did he have to mention that he'd still love her if she got acne in wierd places, or became bloated and gassy. He actually wrote that ! Good to know I could let the honk loose.
Anywhore, here you go my loves !
I know my Job!
Date: 2010-03-20, 9:26PM
I know my job and I own up to it, I learned the hard way - but I own up to it now. My job is to be decisive when you say "what do you want to do tonight?" My job is NOT to say, "I dunno, what do you want to do?" It is my job to say, "I would like to [verb here] to [insert place] and [activity here]. Yet, I must also know when you have your own idea and actually want me to say, "I don't know, what about you?" How should I know? That's my job as a man. I must know. I do know.
My job is to be ambitious in my career and make enough money that if we live
together and your career takes a turn for the worse - I would have the money
to afford to keep you fed and healthy AND sexy (we will talk about you being
sexy below).
My job is make you feel safe with me.I know when to be cool and aloof most
of the time when you are just engaged in friendly flirting. I have to NOT
feel threatened when guys stare at you, not be jealous when they flirt, not
be insecure when you flirt back, just relax and enjoy your happiness. Ok? I
figured it out. I know.
I am not jealous by nature so this job is easy. But the moment a guy
mistakes one of your signals (which happens because you don't quite realize
all the signals you give off) and starts trying to do something to you
against your will, I need to be ready to be incarcerated after I make him
sorry. That's fine. Hopefully it will never get that far and my sharp tongue will scare him off.
I agree to it every day when I put my pants on, or when we take a photo and
you have to lean into me (we know who is who). I don't lean into you. We
don't have photos of me sitting in your lap.
My job is to intuit, using my sexual psychic powers, when you need to be
objectified and fucked like an animal (yet still ensuring your orgasm) or
spanked or hair pulled, or more, and when you need gentle love like what you
saw in that romantic movie you watched. I need to also magically know when
you want it quick and urgent and when you want it to take all night. And
when you scream the very painful words "fuck me harder," even whilst I am
fucking as hard as I can and running out of breath, it is my job to find a
way to do it harder. Yes, it is tough, but it is my job, I accept it.
All the hours I spend at the gym will help me fuck harder when I am supposed
to. I work hard for you. And somehow, most of the time, I have to figure all
this out without anything but your body language and your subtle female
hints and the infamous girl code(I landed up living in a girl's house, so I
know all this and more. Crazy Stories.Tell you if we meet :) ). Fine, it may
not be easy, but I accept it and I do my best because this is how it works.
It is also my job to be funny and entertaining yet a little dark and
mysterious at times. Don't ask me how either. But, I can do it. You can't
teach that by the way. God forbid you should be able to figure me out
entirely. Your boredom means the end of good sex, orgasm and eventually the
relationship. Or it just means the beginning of the nagging and bitching,
which neither of us want.
I realize that. I accept that. I have to be your clown, yet keep your
respect. Get you to laugh at me, but not reduce my prowess in your eyes. It
is a fine line. It is my job to walk it and know how to keep mystery alive,
maintain your respect and awe of me as a man and at the same time make you
smile when you need it and keep things light when you get too lost in your
intensity.
It is also my job to make you feel comfortable to express yourself to me, to
listen, to show you I care (without ever caring too much). I have to care
for you and show love without ever making you feel that I am more sensitive
than you, more emotional, more emotionally intelligent, sweeter or more
romantic. If I cross those lines, you will run from me and say I am too nice
or just not feel complete because I am walking in your territory as a
woman. Again, that's fine with me. I know the line, I will walk on the right
side of it and I will accept responsibility when I screw up. I will be your
listener and still ignore you at the right time, or fuck you like a bar room
whore when I need to. I can figure out what to do when, or at least accept
that it is my job to figure that out. Call me a multi-tasker. I recognize
that sometimes you need to be told to shut up and put in your place or sent
to your room, but still left to feel like you can express yourself freely to
the guy (me) who loves you. No one taught me that. I had to figure it out.
And when you get into a car accident, and the guy you hit is yelling at you
and you call me on the cell phone, I need to be able to drop what I am doing
and effectively manage whatever tragedy has occurred. Sure, you can do it
yourself - you might even resent girls who are helpless in such situations -
I am not criticizing your skill set here at all. I am just saying that when
tragedy goes down, and [if] you are in need of help, I need to take care of
it. The relationship requires that I be able to stay calm and solve problems
when you can't. And you know you can smell fear in a man. If you catch the
slightest hint that I am just as intimidated by the tragedy as you are,
forget it, I will sit in your lap for the next photo. Of course there are
tragedies where you need to take charge - I will cover that in a few
minutes.
The relationship requires that I be able to stay calm and solve problems
when you can't. And you know you can smell fear in a man. If you catch the
slightest hint that I am just as intimidated by the tragedy as you are,
forget it, I will sit in your lap for the next photo. Of course there are
tragedies where you need to take charge - I will cover that in a few
minutes.
Now in exchange for me doing my job well and keeping our relationship alive
and well, you will have to do your part as well. If one of us fails to
perform his/her role, the arrangement crumbles and I become an asshole
and/or you become a nagging bitch. I know. I have seen it on TV, in the
grocery store on a Saturday morning, in restaurants etc... It's all around
us. All the couples fighting - where you can just feel their bitter energy
and you know they are doomed - that's why. One of them did not step up and
the relationship is crumbling. And you say, "no, maybe it was something
else." Perhaps. But most likely it is what I am talking about here.
Now you: There are many jobs for you. Your first and last job are the same.
The rest of the list is important too, but they don't work if you don't do
your first job first. Your first job is to be sexy in the way that you can
be. It is your job to discover your own natural sexiness, manifest it, AND
your job to figure out what I think is sexy. How do you normally attract
men? If you think it is by wearing your thong above your jeans so that
everyone can see it - then you are a moron. If you think it is getting
wasted at some club and making out with your best girl-friend while guys
cheer - you are an idiot. I have met you already, you bore me. I think you
need to pull your pants up, drink less, bathe more and try to be more
original than the Girls Gone Wild video that your former boyfriends got
boners watching.
I have heard girls get upset about this. They say, "it is not my job to be
sexy all the time," or "It is not my job to meet your definitions of sexy."
And I say, bullshit. Have you never stepped outside? Who raised you? It IS
your job. It may not be your job to be sexy ALL the time, but you better
believe it is your job to be sexy when you are around me, my friends, our
friends, and the neighbors. I am not saying you have to dress up, I am only
saying you need to figure out where/what and how to create your sexiness and
make sure I agree with it. Sure you can have your off-days where you don't
change your underwear until noon the following day, or you are bloated and
gassy and you just can not be sexy.
That's ok - I like girls who are real - I will still love you. I know you
fart and get acne in strange places sometimes and have all kinds of
biological processes that are esoteric to me - those things don't turn me
off either, afterall I like real girls. I just ask that you manage and
control the things that are in your control. But don't let me catch you
eating pork sticks everyday and then complain that your stomach hurts and
you have the runs for weeks.
You be sexy. Eat right, wear sexy underwear (which I will gladly buy for
you), comb your hair and as you dress in the morning DON'T ask yourself,
"will this outfit make guys at the county fair want to jerk off on me? If
yes, then change and stop wearing shirts with your name airbrushed on them.
Ask something like, "Would this look turn my man off if I were giving him
head and he were looking at me." or "would my man be proud to walk with me
in this outfit?" This question will keep you from dressing like your
grandmother, a nun and the lonely lady you work with that, when she shows up
in the morning you look at her clothes or hair and murmur, "what is she
thinking? And she wonders why no men are attracted to her?" Don't be that
woman. You be sexy. Ask the right questions when dressing in the morning.
I want to love the sexy girl who will occasionally be ugly. Not the girl
with no taste who once in a while gets lucky and looks nice. Now, I don't
want to discourage girls who feel unsexy most of the time. In cases like
that - I just ask you to not book me on those days - lets have some away
time.
And you need to be able to figure out when not to be sexy, like: when I am
sick in a hospital bed, incapacitated and unable to move, but only able to
see that some male interns and you are talking about my condition. At that
moment you need to be clinical and NOT sexy; when you are at the dentists
office and he is about to put you under (wear ugly stuff), when I am feeling
down on life and we go to a party - don't be hot, you are only going to get
me to sink lower. Just be nice looking or better yet, suggest that we cancel
and have some "us" time.
I can not tell you how to locate your inner sexiness - but I can offer you
some advice on how to avoid being unsexy.
Unsexy: always wearing a seamless sports bra, especially girls who dont play
any sports and have no athletic ability (unless complaing and nagging count.
I dont count them). Fine for sporting times or gym time, very sexy when
sweaty - I may grab you and want to get animalistic on you. But to wear them
on a day to day basis because they are comfy is to completely give up on
life, or to say "I have a boyfriend now, nothing matters anymore." You do
your job and stay sexy and I promise to work-out regularly, keep my
cholesterol low, dress well, pluck my ear hairs, get laser hair removal
whereever else, not leave you hanging when it is your turn to orgasm and not
to wear my dirty sweat pants. Just you keep your sports bra for work-out
time.
Unsexy: Bras with big thick (wide) straps in the back or over the shoulders.
That's just weird. Ok, at times it is necessary, like when you are all
swollen up from breast feeding and you need more strap-strength to hold your
product in place. Or if you have a very large chest. But outside of that,
what is wrong with you? Under what assumption are you operating where you
concluded that the "nursing" look was sexy? Unless you want men to suckle
you in a child-rearing kind of way, wear something else - lace is nice.
Unsexy: photos of yourself cramming food in your mouth, or cookies or an
alcoholic beverage. Or photos with your mouth gaping open as if you are
wasted and screaming at a party. I am out here working out, staying in shape
and taking care of myself - for what? For you to cram cookies and beer into
your mouth, run around drunk with your jaw hanging open? and take photos?
No. We will not date.
Unsexy: Your growing gut. Pooch like Maya Rudolph - very hot. Gut like post
high school ex-jock? It is diet time.
Unsexy: yellow underwear. You wear it, you sleep on the couch. I don't want
to see it and I don't want it touching my laundry.
Unsexy: panties with little cutesy polka dots on them or any pattern that
looks like something a 4 yr old girl would wear at her pajama party. Save
those for when you feel puffy and bloated and want to snuggle with your
stuffed animals and eat chocolate ice cream.
Unsexy: Girls who are nutso about shaving and plucking. I know you don't
want your eyebrows to look like Santa's - but why remove them entirely and
then draw a line with a pencil? Are you my grandma? And your pubic hair is
not your enemy - starchy food is your enemy. Unless it actually makes you
physically uncomfortable - it is ok to have some pubic hair. Yes, porn has
become mainstream now - and all those chicks are shaved - but I don't want
the trash porn girl who fakes her orgasm or the Pamela Anderson wench, I
want you. And Pamela Anderson is ugly anyhow - why doesn't the whole world
know that? You be you.
Sexy: girls who take care of themselves physically and emotionally. Girls
who manage aspects of themselves that are in their control. Meaning, I don't
care if you are short, tall or medium, have huge breasts or no breasts,
brown hair or red hair, enormous feet or a funny nose - you have little
control over what you were given. So I don't judge those things. I just ask
you to take care of what is yours to take care of. Don't tell me that your
ass is fat because that is your body type - and then shovel lasagna down
your throat 3 days a week. We have a deal. I will do my part. You do yours.
Stay thin - meaning if you are 130 pounds - you need to stay around 125 to
135. I like slender girls or muscular or thin or thinner than average.
Slender does not equal thick. If you look like Minnie Driver or Kate Winslet
then your excess weight is hot and I love it.
Your other jobs are very important as well. It is your job to nurture. If I
am down and not feeling so great, you need to be building me back up. You
need to be reading self-help books once in a while and see to it that we are
both emotionally balanced. You need to make sure that we both communicate
what is bothering us and all that stuff that you women want us to talk about
in relationships. I need that. Do your job, I respect it. And when I am not
feeling like such a man, you need to find it in yourself, even if you have
to fake it, to build me right back into the alpha male that I should be(I
believe a woman tests a man until his last day(lol), so you don't have to
worry about me being a Beta/wuss..World is full of wussbags..I AM not one)
Your job is to find it in yourself to want to do things that the last 3
decades told you were not women's work. You know - the huge double standard
how you were taught that it isn't your job to do anything that your dad
expected your mom to do, yet you still expect me to open doors for you, fuck
you like the world is ending, be strong, buy you nice things when I can,
make money, jump in front of a bullet for you, provide security for you,
take initiative and make you feel safe. Well you don't get it both ways. I
told you I would do my job. You must do yours. Personally, I like to cook
and clean, do my own laundry and wash dishes and I am not asking you to do
ANYTHING for me. But if I need help in that area - you better put on an
apron and cook some food, or make the bed, or offer to make sandwiches on
rare occasions when my friends are over, or do some laundry or fold
something, sweep - whatever because you WANT to do it. Again, I am not
asking you to do those things, I will do them myself when they need doing. Your job is not to be my maid at
all, your job is to WANT to care for me in those ways and/or offer or just
jump in and help when I am doing it myself. I will help you too - but don't
refuse to do stuff because you feel offended because you learned in your
college class that men oppress women. Personally, I only know oppressed men
and frustrated women. Men afraid to be men and women who are frustrated with
them.
But its harder than that. And you can blame your feminist aunt. You have to
figure out how to be all that while also being modern and knowing how to
hang with the guys. Don't ask me to explain that - I would not know how to
pull it off. But I have some touch jobs to do that I cant explain either.
You do that, and when the guy is shooting at us I will take the bullet. When
the bad man is attacking you, I will make him sorry. When you break your
leg, I will carry you to the hospital. When the heater doesn't work, I will
chop wood. But believe me, if you refuse to do your part you can walk
yourself to the hospital with a broken leg and bullet in your chest while
fleeing the bad guy - because I will have left you.
Your job is to be in charge of our morality. If we are at a dinner party and
I say something a little mean to someone and you notice it. It is your job
to pull me aside and say, "that was wrong - you go and apologize because you
hurt that persons feelings." I won't like it - but I will obey. You are
doing your job and I respect it. I will somehow find a way to go apologize.
You are in charge of our emotional health. Even if I say I am fine. When you
notice that I have some unresolved issue that I need to work on, I have to
listen and do whatever it takes - even if it means seeing a therapist or
counseling or reading some stupid book. You are in charge and you must find
a way to do this without ever being bossy or over-critical. How do you do
that? I don't know. It's a tough job and only you can do it. My job is not
easy either.
When we are having friends over for dinner and I say that it doesn't matter
if everyone has matching napkins and you say it does matter. You better
believe we will have matching napkins.
When I feel like not going to the new stupid shit museum and you think that
it is better than me sitting around the house on Saturday playing with my
computer - you better believe my ass will be going with you to the museum
and with a smile on my face.
You will also select my clothing when we shop. And I will obey, pay and wear
it - whether I like it or not. You will pick out my cologne, my soap, my
whatever, to meet your tastes.
Your job is to rule all of the things you can rule, by using my love for you
against me, by teaching me shame for wrong-doing, by communicating what is
in your heart - and whatever, without ever nagging, being a non-sexy bitch,
emasculating me or smothering me. It's a fine line - but you must walk it.
I will enforce my power by giving you verbal commands to which you will
obey. You will enforce your power by giving me the guilt/shame stare or the
silent resolute, refuse to look at me stance - both of which usually will
trump all my power. I respect your power, you respect mine.
If you are interested in your job as I am interested in mine - then please
write to me. State your height/weight and send a photo.
Guess what ! Mama is back with another ad from Craigslist, where a man is looking for
On Craigslist they have a section for Men Looking for Women, aka M4W which is supposed to be for dating/relationships. They also have Casual Encounters as well as Misc Romance (probably another word for pimps and ho's)
What I find amusing is that a lot of men ( many of them married) looking for simple fucking knowingly post their
Anyway, I am rambling, but sadly this time I am not doing a "manslation". I am just doing a copy and paste from an ad that I found last month. It's not because I am lazy. It's because the ad is so damn long, that even if I did attempt to do one, you would probably stop reading midway.
Anyway, I definitely don't expect you to read the whole thing because it is long and not in a good way. But I made it through and was thoroughly amused. It me wonder what the hell was going through his head when he wrote it. Sometimes I wonder where guys come up with the stuff they write. Like why did he have to mention that he'd still love her if she got acne in wierd places, or became bloated and gassy. He actually wrote that ! Good to know I could let the honk loose.
Anywhore, here you go my loves !
I know my Job!
Date: 2010-03-20, 9:26PM
I know my job and I own up to it, I learned the hard way - but I own up to it now. My job is to be decisive when you say "what do you want to do tonight?" My job is NOT to say, "I dunno, what do you want to do?" It is my job to say, "I would like to [verb here] to [insert place] and [activity here]. Yet, I must also know when you have your own idea and actually want me to say, "I don't know, what about you?" How should I know? That's my job as a man. I must know. I do know.
My job is to be ambitious in my career and make enough money that if we live
together and your career takes a turn for the worse - I would have the money
to afford to keep you fed and healthy AND sexy (we will talk about you being
sexy below).
My job is make you feel safe with me.I know when to be cool and aloof most
of the time when you are just engaged in friendly flirting. I have to NOT
feel threatened when guys stare at you, not be jealous when they flirt, not
be insecure when you flirt back, just relax and enjoy your happiness. Ok? I
figured it out. I know.
I am not jealous by nature so this job is easy. But the moment a guy
mistakes one of your signals (which happens because you don't quite realize
all the signals you give off) and starts trying to do something to you
against your will, I need to be ready to be incarcerated after I make him
sorry. That's fine. Hopefully it will never get that far and my sharp tongue will scare him off.
I agree to it every day when I put my pants on, or when we take a photo and
you have to lean into me (we know who is who). I don't lean into you. We
don't have photos of me sitting in your lap.
My job is to intuit, using my sexual psychic powers, when you need to be
objectified and fucked like an animal (yet still ensuring your orgasm) or
spanked or hair pulled, or more, and when you need gentle love like what you
saw in that romantic movie you watched. I need to also magically know when
you want it quick and urgent and when you want it to take all night. And
when you scream the very painful words "fuck me harder," even whilst I am
fucking as hard as I can and running out of breath, it is my job to find a
way to do it harder. Yes, it is tough, but it is my job, I accept it.
All the hours I spend at the gym will help me fuck harder when I am supposed
to. I work hard for you. And somehow, most of the time, I have to figure all
this out without anything but your body language and your subtle female
hints and the infamous girl code(I landed up living in a girl's house, so I
know all this and more. Crazy Stories.Tell you if we meet :) ). Fine, it may
not be easy, but I accept it and I do my best because this is how it works.
It is also my job to be funny and entertaining yet a little dark and
mysterious at times. Don't ask me how either. But, I can do it. You can't
teach that by the way. God forbid you should be able to figure me out
entirely. Your boredom means the end of good sex, orgasm and eventually the
relationship. Or it just means the beginning of the nagging and bitching,
which neither of us want.
I realize that. I accept that. I have to be your clown, yet keep your
respect. Get you to laugh at me, but not reduce my prowess in your eyes. It
is a fine line. It is my job to walk it and know how to keep mystery alive,
maintain your respect and awe of me as a man and at the same time make you
smile when you need it and keep things light when you get too lost in your
intensity.
It is also my job to make you feel comfortable to express yourself to me, to
listen, to show you I care (without ever caring too much). I have to care
for you and show love without ever making you feel that I am more sensitive
than you, more emotional, more emotionally intelligent, sweeter or more
romantic. If I cross those lines, you will run from me and say I am too nice
or just not feel complete because I am walking in your territory as a
woman. Again, that's fine with me. I know the line, I will walk on the right
side of it and I will accept responsibility when I screw up. I will be your
listener and still ignore you at the right time, or fuck you like a bar room
whore when I need to. I can figure out what to do when, or at least accept
that it is my job to figure that out. Call me a multi-tasker. I recognize
that sometimes you need to be told to shut up and put in your place or sent
to your room, but still left to feel like you can express yourself freely to
the guy (me) who loves you. No one taught me that. I had to figure it out.
And when you get into a car accident, and the guy you hit is yelling at you
and you call me on the cell phone, I need to be able to drop what I am doing
and effectively manage whatever tragedy has occurred. Sure, you can do it
yourself - you might even resent girls who are helpless in such situations -
I am not criticizing your skill set here at all. I am just saying that when
tragedy goes down, and [if] you are in need of help, I need to take care of
it. The relationship requires that I be able to stay calm and solve problems
when you can't. And you know you can smell fear in a man. If you catch the
slightest hint that I am just as intimidated by the tragedy as you are,
forget it, I will sit in your lap for the next photo. Of course there are
tragedies where you need to take charge - I will cover that in a few
minutes.
The relationship requires that I be able to stay calm and solve problems
when you can't. And you know you can smell fear in a man. If you catch the
slightest hint that I am just as intimidated by the tragedy as you are,
forget it, I will sit in your lap for the next photo. Of course there are
tragedies where you need to take charge - I will cover that in a few
minutes.
Now in exchange for me doing my job well and keeping our relationship alive
and well, you will have to do your part as well. If one of us fails to
perform his/her role, the arrangement crumbles and I become an asshole
and/or you become a nagging bitch. I know. I have seen it on TV, in the
grocery store on a Saturday morning, in restaurants etc... It's all around
us. All the couples fighting - where you can just feel their bitter energy
and you know they are doomed - that's why. One of them did not step up and
the relationship is crumbling. And you say, "no, maybe it was something
else." Perhaps. But most likely it is what I am talking about here.
Now you: There are many jobs for you. Your first and last job are the same.
The rest of the list is important too, but they don't work if you don't do
your first job first. Your first job is to be sexy in the way that you can
be. It is your job to discover your own natural sexiness, manifest it, AND
your job to figure out what I think is sexy. How do you normally attract
men? If you think it is by wearing your thong above your jeans so that
everyone can see it - then you are a moron. If you think it is getting
wasted at some club and making out with your best girl-friend while guys
cheer - you are an idiot. I have met you already, you bore me. I think you
need to pull your pants up, drink less, bathe more and try to be more
original than the Girls Gone Wild video that your former boyfriends got
boners watching.
I have heard girls get upset about this. They say, "it is not my job to be
sexy all the time," or "It is not my job to meet your definitions of sexy."
And I say, bullshit. Have you never stepped outside? Who raised you? It IS
your job. It may not be your job to be sexy ALL the time, but you better
believe it is your job to be sexy when you are around me, my friends, our
friends, and the neighbors. I am not saying you have to dress up, I am only
saying you need to figure out where/what and how to create your sexiness and
make sure I agree with it. Sure you can have your off-days where you don't
change your underwear until noon the following day, or you are bloated and
gassy and you just can not be sexy.
That's ok - I like girls who are real - I will still love you. I know you
fart and get acne in strange places sometimes and have all kinds of
biological processes that are esoteric to me - those things don't turn me
off either, afterall I like real girls. I just ask that you manage and
control the things that are in your control. But don't let me catch you
eating pork sticks everyday and then complain that your stomach hurts and
you have the runs for weeks.
You be sexy. Eat right, wear sexy underwear (which I will gladly buy for
you), comb your hair and as you dress in the morning DON'T ask yourself,
"will this outfit make guys at the county fair want to jerk off on me? If
yes, then change and stop wearing shirts with your name airbrushed on them.
Ask something like, "Would this look turn my man off if I were giving him
head and he were looking at me." or "would my man be proud to walk with me
in this outfit?" This question will keep you from dressing like your
grandmother, a nun and the lonely lady you work with that, when she shows up
in the morning you look at her clothes or hair and murmur, "what is she
thinking? And she wonders why no men are attracted to her?" Don't be that
woman. You be sexy. Ask the right questions when dressing in the morning.
I want to love the sexy girl who will occasionally be ugly. Not the girl
with no taste who once in a while gets lucky and looks nice. Now, I don't
want to discourage girls who feel unsexy most of the time. In cases like
that - I just ask you to not book me on those days - lets have some away
time.
And you need to be able to figure out when not to be sexy, like: when I am
sick in a hospital bed, incapacitated and unable to move, but only able to
see that some male interns and you are talking about my condition. At that
moment you need to be clinical and NOT sexy; when you are at the dentists
office and he is about to put you under (wear ugly stuff), when I am feeling
down on life and we go to a party - don't be hot, you are only going to get
me to sink lower. Just be nice looking or better yet, suggest that we cancel
and have some "us" time.
I can not tell you how to locate your inner sexiness - but I can offer you
some advice on how to avoid being unsexy.
Unsexy: always wearing a seamless sports bra, especially girls who dont play
any sports and have no athletic ability (unless complaing and nagging count.
I dont count them). Fine for sporting times or gym time, very sexy when
sweaty - I may grab you and want to get animalistic on you. But to wear them
on a day to day basis because they are comfy is to completely give up on
life, or to say "I have a boyfriend now, nothing matters anymore." You do
your job and stay sexy and I promise to work-out regularly, keep my
cholesterol low, dress well, pluck my ear hairs, get laser hair removal
whereever else, not leave you hanging when it is your turn to orgasm and not
to wear my dirty sweat pants. Just you keep your sports bra for work-out
time.
Unsexy: Bras with big thick (wide) straps in the back or over the shoulders.
That's just weird. Ok, at times it is necessary, like when you are all
swollen up from breast feeding and you need more strap-strength to hold your
product in place. Or if you have a very large chest. But outside of that,
what is wrong with you? Under what assumption are you operating where you
concluded that the "nursing" look was sexy? Unless you want men to suckle
you in a child-rearing kind of way, wear something else - lace is nice.
Unsexy: photos of yourself cramming food in your mouth, or cookies or an
alcoholic beverage. Or photos with your mouth gaping open as if you are
wasted and screaming at a party. I am out here working out, staying in shape
and taking care of myself - for what? For you to cram cookies and beer into
your mouth, run around drunk with your jaw hanging open? and take photos?
No. We will not date.
Unsexy: Your growing gut. Pooch like Maya Rudolph - very hot. Gut like post
high school ex-jock? It is diet time.
Unsexy: yellow underwear. You wear it, you sleep on the couch. I don't want
to see it and I don't want it touching my laundry.
Unsexy: panties with little cutesy polka dots on them or any pattern that
looks like something a 4 yr old girl would wear at her pajama party. Save
those for when you feel puffy and bloated and want to snuggle with your
stuffed animals and eat chocolate ice cream.
Unsexy: Girls who are nutso about shaving and plucking. I know you don't
want your eyebrows to look like Santa's - but why remove them entirely and
then draw a line with a pencil? Are you my grandma? And your pubic hair is
not your enemy - starchy food is your enemy. Unless it actually makes you
physically uncomfortable - it is ok to have some pubic hair. Yes, porn has
become mainstream now - and all those chicks are shaved - but I don't want
the trash porn girl who fakes her orgasm or the Pamela Anderson wench, I
want you. And Pamela Anderson is ugly anyhow - why doesn't the whole world
know that? You be you.
Sexy: girls who take care of themselves physically and emotionally. Girls
who manage aspects of themselves that are in their control. Meaning, I don't
care if you are short, tall or medium, have huge breasts or no breasts,
brown hair or red hair, enormous feet or a funny nose - you have little
control over what you were given. So I don't judge those things. I just ask
you to take care of what is yours to take care of. Don't tell me that your
ass is fat because that is your body type - and then shovel lasagna down
your throat 3 days a week. We have a deal. I will do my part. You do yours.
Stay thin - meaning if you are 130 pounds - you need to stay around 125 to
135. I like slender girls or muscular or thin or thinner than average.
Slender does not equal thick. If you look like Minnie Driver or Kate Winslet
then your excess weight is hot and I love it.
Your other jobs are very important as well. It is your job to nurture. If I
am down and not feeling so great, you need to be building me back up. You
need to be reading self-help books once in a while and see to it that we are
both emotionally balanced. You need to make sure that we both communicate
what is bothering us and all that stuff that you women want us to talk about
in relationships. I need that. Do your job, I respect it. And when I am not
feeling like such a man, you need to find it in yourself, even if you have
to fake it, to build me right back into the alpha male that I should be(I
believe a woman tests a man until his last day(lol), so you don't have to
worry about me being a Beta/wuss..World is full of wussbags..I AM not one)
Your job is to find it in yourself to want to do things that the last 3
decades told you were not women's work. You know - the huge double standard
how you were taught that it isn't your job to do anything that your dad
expected your mom to do, yet you still expect me to open doors for you, fuck
you like the world is ending, be strong, buy you nice things when I can,
make money, jump in front of a bullet for you, provide security for you,
take initiative and make you feel safe. Well you don't get it both ways. I
told you I would do my job. You must do yours. Personally, I like to cook
and clean, do my own laundry and wash dishes and I am not asking you to do
ANYTHING for me. But if I need help in that area - you better put on an
apron and cook some food, or make the bed, or offer to make sandwiches on
rare occasions when my friends are over, or do some laundry or fold
something, sweep - whatever because you WANT to do it. Again, I am not
asking you to do those things, I will do them myself when they need doing. Your job is not to be my maid at
all, your job is to WANT to care for me in those ways and/or offer or just
jump in and help when I am doing it myself. I will help you too - but don't
refuse to do stuff because you feel offended because you learned in your
college class that men oppress women. Personally, I only know oppressed men
and frustrated women. Men afraid to be men and women who are frustrated with
them.
But its harder than that. And you can blame your feminist aunt. You have to
figure out how to be all that while also being modern and knowing how to
hang with the guys. Don't ask me to explain that - I would not know how to
pull it off. But I have some touch jobs to do that I cant explain either.
You do that, and when the guy is shooting at us I will take the bullet. When
the bad man is attacking you, I will make him sorry. When you break your
leg, I will carry you to the hospital. When the heater doesn't work, I will
chop wood. But believe me, if you refuse to do your part you can walk
yourself to the hospital with a broken leg and bullet in your chest while
fleeing the bad guy - because I will have left you.
Your job is to be in charge of our morality. If we are at a dinner party and
I say something a little mean to someone and you notice it. It is your job
to pull me aside and say, "that was wrong - you go and apologize because you
hurt that persons feelings." I won't like it - but I will obey. You are
doing your job and I respect it. I will somehow find a way to go apologize.
You are in charge of our emotional health. Even if I say I am fine. When you
notice that I have some unresolved issue that I need to work on, I have to
listen and do whatever it takes - even if it means seeing a therapist or
counseling or reading some stupid book. You are in charge and you must find
a way to do this without ever being bossy or over-critical. How do you do
that? I don't know. It's a tough job and only you can do it. My job is not
easy either.
When we are having friends over for dinner and I say that it doesn't matter
if everyone has matching napkins and you say it does matter. You better
believe we will have matching napkins.
When I feel like not going to the new stupid shit museum and you think that
it is better than me sitting around the house on Saturday playing with my
computer - you better believe my ass will be going with you to the museum
and with a smile on my face.
You will also select my clothing when we shop. And I will obey, pay and wear
it - whether I like it or not. You will pick out my cologne, my soap, my
whatever, to meet your tastes.
Your job is to rule all of the things you can rule, by using my love for you
against me, by teaching me shame for wrong-doing, by communicating what is
in your heart - and whatever, without ever nagging, being a non-sexy bitch,
emasculating me or smothering me. It's a fine line - but you must walk it.
I will enforce my power by giving you verbal commands to which you will
obey. You will enforce your power by giving me the guilt/shame stare or the
silent resolute, refuse to look at me stance - both of which usually will
trump all my power. I respect your power, you respect mine.
If you are interested in your job as I am interested in mine - then please
write to me. State your height/weight and send a photo.
Random Dribble
Attention Everyone !
There is a very naughty monkey that has escaped its cage and is running loose. Please, if you see him wandering around, let us know so we can teach him a lesson . That monkey needs to be spanked.
Okay, that was a lame joke. Enough of that......................
So I went to my Make Senorita Cry Like a Little Bitch class this morning at the buttcrack of dawn. It's usually just us chicks that are there. But today we had someone from the male species join us. He was buffed, but I noticed him struggling while we were kicking and holding our poses. I also saw him struggling with the abwork a little. All us girly girls could do the exercises no problem, but not this dude. And he wasn't old or handicapped.
I was amused. Is it wrong to say that watching a grown man struggle with simple kicking in an all-girls class warmed the cockles of my little dark heart ?
Speaking of those classes, a couple of weeks ago our instructor made us get on the floor to do abwork with our legs spread apart in the air................AGAIN. I couldn't help but smirk. The instructor looked down at me like I was crazy, and I dutifully pointed out that every time we did abwork, we had our legs wide open in the air, and I demonstrated for him. He is also a personal trainer and I mentioned that his training was becoming very personal.
Luckily he has a sense of humor, and said that if we think that's bad then we obviously don't remember the time he was doing those exercises in his shorts.
So my point is, is that lately we've been doing abwork with our legs more together. Thank God ! I am a lady, I'll have you know ! I was raised my whole life to keep 'em closed ! OMG those excerices this morning were so brutal !
So that is all for now my little turtle doves. Time for bed !
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Something I never forgot.
Hello My Little Sunflowers,
So this weekend has been busy. I've managed to occupy my time by going to dance class and going for a run. I ran about 5-6 miles and for most of it we ran real fast. I could tell that I was burning some serious calories because when I ran my ass got warm and I could feel it jiggle up and down while I ran. With that much movement and heat I better see some sort of results.
The weekends always go by so fast.
Anyway...........
I remember when I was in Munich with my Austrian aunt for the weekend for a festival back in 2002. I think it was the 744th or 844th anniversary of Munich being a town or something like that. Whatever it was, it was definitely an excuse to drink beer and have people gather around.
That day we were tourists. Just wandering around the town and looking through department stores as well as the street fair. While we were walking around and old German woman bumped into us. Her hair was gray and braided around her head and she had cataracts. She definitely looked like a traditional German. Somehow she ended up talking to us while we were looking at carved wooden art or something like that. My aunt could barely understand what she was saying because her German dialect was very different from the Austrian dialect we are used to. But she talked to my aunt while I was trying to listen. She noticed that it was a beautiful day out, and I guess asked my aunt if we were having fun or something like that. Then she looked at both of us and told us to enjoy the good times while they last because you never know when it could get taken away from you.
Basically this woman had lived through the war and witnessed/experienced a lot in her life. It was like by looking at us she felt we were so naive, and wanted to share her wisdom with us. We probably looked so carefree. What would that be like for you if you witnessed catastrophe in your town, only for years later see people wandering around aimlessly and naively like nothing happened ? Like everything you've experienced is long forgotten, like it never happened but you're left with the scars ? I wonder what she did go through ? I don't know why she decided we were the people to tell that to. But her words were not lost on us. My aunt listened with respect and I was touched.
I guess I am naive. I was 22 at the time. I am now 29 but really ? What life experience do I really have ? I am really sad that people from her generation are dying off. It's like we are losing a link to history. I cringe at the thought of the generations to come and how they are being raised.
I am sure that woman is dust in the wind by now, but those words always stuck with me. When I was a child I thought I would never get older. I was a child just waiting until I turned 21 so I could move on and be a free adult. But now since that happened my life is passing me by so fast, and my Oma is gone, and my brother and cousins are no longer kids. My other grandma here in CA is still alive, but I no longer felt like I used to where I thought she would be around for a while.
Childhood events seem soooooo far away. Thinking about life when my parents were married almost feels like it never really happened. Things we used to do as children feel so far away that I almost forgot it happened. I guess that is good because it means I have more room for events in the future to come.
I don't know why I feel so sentimental this weekend. I guess it's because one of my friends is going through a difficult time in her life and I wish I could be there for her. I've invested a lot of time into the friendship and she may or may not even be around for much longer and may have to move. And it's only recently that I've really put myself out there to reach out to someone else and take a risk. I want nothing more than to have good frienships with people.
I've had friendships that have blown up in my face before where I've been backstabbed or we've simply lost contact and it hurt, but I wasn't as emotionally affected as I am now. I guess I am learning to put myself out there more and take risks.
Anyway, that is all for now my little yellow flowers.
So this weekend has been busy. I've managed to occupy my time by going to dance class and going for a run. I ran about 5-6 miles and for most of it we ran real fast. I could tell that I was burning some serious calories because when I ran my ass got warm and I could feel it jiggle up and down while I ran. With that much movement and heat I better see some sort of results.
The weekends always go by so fast.
Anyway...........
I remember when I was in Munich with my Austrian aunt for the weekend for a festival back in 2002. I think it was the 744th or 844th anniversary of Munich being a town or something like that. Whatever it was, it was definitely an excuse to drink beer and have people gather around.
That day we were tourists. Just wandering around the town and looking through department stores as well as the street fair. While we were walking around and old German woman bumped into us. Her hair was gray and braided around her head and she had cataracts. She definitely looked like a traditional German. Somehow she ended up talking to us while we were looking at carved wooden art or something like that. My aunt could barely understand what she was saying because her German dialect was very different from the Austrian dialect we are used to. But she talked to my aunt while I was trying to listen. She noticed that it was a beautiful day out, and I guess asked my aunt if we were having fun or something like that. Then she looked at both of us and told us to enjoy the good times while they last because you never know when it could get taken away from you.
Basically this woman had lived through the war and witnessed/experienced a lot in her life. It was like by looking at us she felt we were so naive, and wanted to share her wisdom with us. We probably looked so carefree. What would that be like for you if you witnessed catastrophe in your town, only for years later see people wandering around aimlessly and naively like nothing happened ? Like everything you've experienced is long forgotten, like it never happened but you're left with the scars ? I wonder what she did go through ? I don't know why she decided we were the people to tell that to. But her words were not lost on us. My aunt listened with respect and I was touched.
I guess I am naive. I was 22 at the time. I am now 29 but really ? What life experience do I really have ? I am really sad that people from her generation are dying off. It's like we are losing a link to history. I cringe at the thought of the generations to come and how they are being raised.
I am sure that woman is dust in the wind by now, but those words always stuck with me. When I was a child I thought I would never get older. I was a child just waiting until I turned 21 so I could move on and be a free adult. But now since that happened my life is passing me by so fast, and my Oma is gone, and my brother and cousins are no longer kids. My other grandma here in CA is still alive, but I no longer felt like I used to where I thought she would be around for a while.
Childhood events seem soooooo far away. Thinking about life when my parents were married almost feels like it never really happened. Things we used to do as children feel so far away that I almost forgot it happened. I guess that is good because it means I have more room for events in the future to come.
I don't know why I feel so sentimental this weekend. I guess it's because one of my friends is going through a difficult time in her life and I wish I could be there for her. I've invested a lot of time into the friendship and she may or may not even be around for much longer and may have to move. And it's only recently that I've really put myself out there to reach out to someone else and take a risk. I want nothing more than to have good frienships with people.
I've had friendships that have blown up in my face before where I've been backstabbed or we've simply lost contact and it hurt, but I wasn't as emotionally affected as I am now. I guess I am learning to put myself out there more and take risks.
Anyway, that is all for now my little yellow flowers.
Friday, April 9, 2010
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