Thursday, January 24, 2013

Tidbits of whatever I feel like writing about...........

Hello There My Little Birdies !

Miss me ? I miss blogging, I really do ! But you know what ? I am a total Facebook whore, and I love trashy television shows. Kinda takes away from the time I could be using to blog. I love watching vapid made-up people fight on TV. I always get a laugh at celebrities/reality stars hiding behind their charities and manipulating people into doing things in the name of charity, a charity that probably doesn't even exist, or the money didn't even go to the cause.

I have missed writing. Writing soothes my soul. I've had this blog for nine years now. I started it while I was in my last year of college, before I lived in Spain, before I went back to school to be a paralegal, it has been with me through tons of shitty retail jobs. When I started writing, I had just started learning bellydance. I am a completely different person than when I started writing here.  And before Facebook came along I was consistent in writing here.

And it felt good. It was never my goal to get a ton of readers, but what I did get was people who could identify with me and relate to me. For the first year, I had no comments in my posts. I didn't care. I just kept writing. Eventually more people would find me and write. And it has been really nice to find others who may live completely different lives than I do, but still identify with me as a person and relate to my feelings and ideas.

That is all for now. I will have to come back later and write more. I will make my bloggy rounds soon and say hello !

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

A Review of 2012

Hello There My Little Hummingbirdies !!!!

Happy New Year !

I miss blogging here on  my bloggy blog. I would like to review 2012.

2012 was definitely an interesting year, I think consisting of laying the foundation of my life. I had a lot of breakthroughs. It was by no means easy, but I am not disappointed.

Some things that happened:


--I moved .... again and again and again..... long story...

--I moved into my very first apartment in a nice area........... but then vacated after two weeks because there were bedbugs. I got horribly bitten, and just decided to get rid of most of my belongings and live with my friend. I am still living with her, and still traumatized by the situation. Bedbugs are no joke, and finding the little buggers (newly birthed ) crawling in my mattress made me feel like I got sucker-punched in the gut.
Looking back, I am glad to be out of there because I never really liked the place. I am glad that I am out of there because having my own place was so expensive. It was a lesson learned.
1.) Never fully trust your landlords because they appear to look like your grandparents and make all these promises, even if the other tenants come out and sing praises about them. 2.) NEVER ever allow the last tenant to leave their furniture in your place. Ever. 3.) Make sure you put everything in writing. At least now I am more knowledgeable about bedbugs.

--My car crapped out on me. At one point I was stranded in the middle of nowhere on my long road trip to see my grandparents. There I was on the side of the road in 100 degree weather in yoga pants with a ditch behind me. Anyone could have come and had their way with me. Luckily I calmly talked to people that stopped to help, and my dad helped lead me to my grandparents.

 I ended up getting a new car after that trip. I love the new car I bought. I got a 2012 Fiat Pop. I negotiated the car by myself. My dad definitely was instrumental in helping me establish a good price point and how the dealership makes its money. So when I went in, I had a firm number in my head and did not budge. It took me 6 hours to get my car. Once I negotiated with the sales man, the finance guy took me in the back office and tried to upsell me on shit I didn't need. Basically, he tried to undo everything I negotiated with the salesman, slyly slip in options I didn't need and claim it was a "misunderstanding" when I pointed it out. Then he lied to me a couple of more times about the warranty. I am just glad I had the patience to sit through it, politely tell him he was full of shit and make it out unscathed. It was important for me to stand up for myself and negotiate by myself. It was a good lesson for me. At some point we need to fight our own battles and learn how to handle people and situations.

-- I went off of antidepressants and battled my anxiety and depression without medication. This has been extremely difficult. I had some of my worst panic attacks in 2012. I hit some lows, and I cried a lot of tears in 2012. I kept questioning what was wrong, and why I could not just be happy. Why did I feel so stuck in life ? Should I just give up and go on antidepressants ? Would that even help ? Would I need to subject myself to different medications that could possibly have adverse side effects and make me lose it ? I had to acknowledge that I am a prisoner in my own mind, instead of pretending it never happened and I am just imagining things.

I ended up going to a clinic with psychologists in training, and am currently going there. In the past sessions with previous private therapists in my health plan, they have not addressed the root of what's bothering me. The current person I am talking to is asking all of the questions that make me extremely uncomfortable, and I am forced to deal with what has been festering for years. It is not easy, I cry buckets at almost every session and want to kill the guy. But, at least I am seeing some progress.

In 2012 I just got so tired of feeling imprisoned within my own mind, and I googled everything about anxiety and depression which has helped me to accept my condition rather than to run away from it. It also led me to people who have helped me find the answers I need. For those of you in the same boat as me: NEVER EVER GIVE UP. NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU FEEL, JUST KEEP ASKING QUESTIONS, KEEP ON LOOKING FOR WHAT YOU NEED, EVEN IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START. IT GETS THE WHEELS TURNING. THERE IS NO SINGLE ANSWER. IT IS INDIVIDUAL AND PERSONAL, SO YOU MUST DO YOUR OWN HOMEWORK. And remember, sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Do not be afraid.

-- I got hired in late 2011, so in 2012 I took no vacation and just worked hard at learning the ropes in my job. I am still learning. I am still a junior in my position, but I am making progress. I just hope to take a vacation soon. At least I can list more duties on my resume, and at least I am building thicker skin.

-- I danced a lot more, and even took some ballet lessons, which really helped my form in bellydance.

-- I drank more water, more water with apple cider vinegar, raw aloe vera juice, and I ate a lot more veggies . Another thing I did was replace bread with more salads. I never thought I would see the light of that day, but I had to do it, or suffer the consequences of stomach aches all the time.

BLESSINGS( Best for Last)

-- I got to enjoy the holidays with my grandparents. I had the best Christmas ever with my grandmother and grandfather, and I was happy to be fully present and in the moment with them. I got to listen to my grandmother talk about our family tree. I enjoy listening to my family history, as it is important to know where we come from.

The most memorable was sitting with my grandmother through the Christmas Eve service at her church. Everyone else was hugging their loved ones, and I got to hold hands, with my grandma, hug her and kiss her. I was really grateful to have a wonderful time with my grandparents for another year.

--HOPES FOR 2013
-I hope to continue on what I started in 2012. But I have new goals for this year. I want to look back next year and know that I held myself to it"

1.) Shut up. I want to speak waaaay less, and let there be more silent pauses. I don't want to care about what others may think.

2.) Apologize less (unless I screw up of course)

3.) Take more risks, accept more rejection so I can grow thicker skin so things phase me less, and I can appreciate successes more. I've been so scared of success and failure. I want to dream up the most elaborate dreams, make attempts, go out there and try, and see what comes back and learn from it. I feel like life is passing me by way too quickly.

That is all for now.

Love, huggles, kisses and shimmies !