Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Bumper Sticker Pet Peeves

Hello There My Little Peeps,

So............ we've all been there. Stuck in traffic behind someone with an annoying bumper sticker. I have to say, some of them are funny, but most of them are pretty lame.

But you have to admit, if you have a strong opinion and you wanna let the world know it, get a bumper sticker, because when you are in traffic, the people riding your ass are a guaranteed audience for a while. Why not just give 'em a piece of your mind and tell them what to think ?

Anyway, here are my pet peeves when it comes to bumper stickers.

1.) "My child is an honor student at ------- Junior High/High". Seriously, who cares ? I'll start caring once your child is in the ivy leagues and beats me out of a job in an interview. Until then, it's just annoying and I guarantee the other parents don't care because they are too busy plastering those stickers on their vehicles. You know what's even more annoying ? Is that bumper sticker on a minivan.

If you want to build up your child's self esteem or reward them for good grades, give them ice cream or whatever the new gadgets are that parents give their children nowadays like a Playstation or a Wii. Otherwise, they don't care about a bumpersticker and neither do we.

You know what I would love ? The bumper sticker that reads "My juvenile delinquent son is banging your honor roll student daughter."

2.) Bumper stickers regarding abortion, pro-life or pro-choice. So now we're gonna debate it on the road ??? Why would someone put that on their car and risk pissing off the person behind them ?

Wanna know what's even more annoying ? Is when I see an abortion sticker on a car and a man is behind the wheel.

3.) Old presidential campaign stickers. Seriously, Obama won ! 2008 is sooo two years ago. He's the president now so that means that you don't have to convince others to pick him. Shouldn't you be focusing on 2012 ?

I will tell you the bumper sticker that I recently saw, which made my day. It read " Four out of five dentists prefer oral sex over oral surgery. " Priceless.

So that is all for now, loves.

Till next time.

Besitos !

Monday, March 29, 2010

Tuesday's Tool

Wassup my bitches ?

Mama is back with a manslation is what's up ! So here in the San Francisco Bay Area, there are way more men than women. Ask David at Dadshouse and he will tell you. I live in San Jose, which we call Man Jose. I know, that would seem like a godsend to me, like it's raining men or something. Total sausage fest. But trust me, it's not the sausage I would be looking for. Married sausage, gangsta/thug sausages/ bitter sausages/ sausages only interested in clam for one night......... these are not on the menu of Yours Truly. No spank you.

I am sure I will find some worth putting on my plate, but in the mean time, I have these Craigslist ads to laugh at. Below is one that I'm pretty sure is from the same douche that has been posting for as long as I've been doing "manslations", which has been almost a year now. Only this time, he cleverly forgets to mention that he's married. Oopsies............ He mentioned it a few times before, but looks like he got no clam. So time for him to omit a few details and try again. Aaaaw, it's like little trainwreck that could ! Except that he really can't.

As usual, the blue is what he really means, and the red is what I am really saying.

Well-Off, Giving Male Wants to Help Creative Actress/Model/Artist

Date: 2010-03-19, 5:32PM

I know what I seek is bit unconventional  because I am married and I really have no connections to help you get famous so I've decided to post a listing here to see if I can find a good match for what I seek. Pussy

I'm an Asian male, 33 years old, tall, and slim and so is my penis. I am a successful, and we all define success in different ways well-educated professional with a great hi-tech career just a regular engineer that's about to get laid off. I'm generous I'm so desperate for sex I will throw a measly amount of cash in your direction courteous I will say please before I fuck you, respectful of others not tell my wife I am fucking you, and friendly my penis is very friendly and will definitely pop out to say hello. I am mostly focused on my career nowadays so I'm not looking for any big time and/or romantic commitments. I'm focusing on getting laid before I get laid off, and my wife thinks I'm working to avoid that lay-off. Wow, a lot of laying going on.

I am seeking a cute female who is pursuing an artistic, modeling, musical, and/or acting career who would like a helping hand literally while trying to establish herself. I've always been a techie/analytical person myself so I have great admiration for artistic/creative people because they possess talents which I don't have. So yeah, I can work a computer and digital camera, but it ain't gonna get you anywhere, except for naked on my hard drive. The hard drive on my computer and the hard drive in my pants.

Looking back at my own career, I realize that establishing yourself, gaining experience, and getting your foot in the door is the hardest part. Blah blah blah la la la, the only thing that's hard is me. In return for a fun and intimate arrangement, I would be happy to provide you with extra income while you pursue your career goals.Why do married men always have to throw in words like "establishing yourself" and "career goals" and "mutual benefits" ? If you would be interested in this type of arrangement with mutual benefits, I look forward to your reply.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Senorita's Beauty Secrets............ Let's Beautify Ourselves Together

Hello There My Little Shampoo Bottles,

I hope you had a nice weekend. I enjoyed mine by dance practice and eating. I had a nice plate of Hawaiian BBQ and two pieces of birthday cake. Just the way I like it with buttercream frosting loaded with colored dye. My ass will be fatter for it, but that cake was worth it.

Anyway, I wanted to gear this post for my lady readers. Guys, you know me love you long time, so I brought something to pacify you for a few minutes while I talk to my gal pals.


Be good and just focus on that, okay ?

Moving along.........................

So I am not really brand loyal, except for a few things such as my foundation. So that means I am constantly trying new things, and I thought I'd share my latest discoveries thanks to steep discounts. Here in the SF Bay Area a lot of salons have either lost their leases or have gone out of business altogether. So while that is sad for them, I've gotten a lot of beauty products.

Product #1: PUREOLOGY

Pureology is seriously the best haircare on the market. Just look on Amazon and see the hundreds of reviews. It's the stuff stylists swear by. It is sulfate free, and costs a fortune. But my hairstylist bought a gallon of shampoo and conditioner for me using her hairdresser discount and I paid her back. It was the best deal ever. It smells great and leaves my hair silky every time. I've bought a lot of products from salons closing recently at a steep discount. But their Pureology products never go on sale. Probably because the salon owners want to keep them for themselves and I can't blame them.

Okay, so nothing compares to Pureology, but my huge supply will run out and I am looking for the next best thing. I found Fat Hair "0" Calories at Safeway at 50% off but it wasn't that expensive to begin with, just $8 before discount.

Anyway, I decided to give this a whirl because it's sulphate free, and 100% vegan. Even though I will never stop eating meat, my hair can be vegan.

If you look online at the reviews, they are mixed. Some love it, some hate it. I love it. People who hate it claim that it doesn't lather well and it doesn't smell that great. I think it lathers great and I have long thick hair. As for the smell, it doesn't smell bad, more like a bland, light smell. It's not great, but with my body chemistry, my hair does smell clean after. I can't complain.

I found this at a salon closing sale. It's expensive. It normally sells for $24, however I paid $12. My current supply is running out, but I will gladly cough up the $24 because it is worth it.

I have big eyes, and it's very easy for my eyeliner to smudge between the creases of my eyelids. Also, I am a bellydancer and I love to make my makeup dramatic. Normally, I have to reapply the eyeliner every few hours. This product lasts the whole day and it does not run. I have never seen anything like it. I can sweat and cry and it doesn't come off because it is water proof. Also, it is great for sensitive eyes, which I have. Normally my eyes get red due to all the eyeliner I usually wear.

When it's time to wash it off, it comes off gently. They say you can just rub it off with your finger, but I disagree. You do need to use water, but it does come off effortlessly.


I have naturally frizzy hair, and I am in constant need of product to tame my wild hair. I like it because it is light and smooth, but the biggest reason I like it is because of the smell. It smells so exotic and you know me, the bellydancer. I like unique.

I like this brand because I've seen bottles of this stuff go for $40 at other beauty stores. But I paid about $8 for this bottle at Sally Beauty and it feels and smells the same as the last argan oil I bought which was $7 for a measly trial size.

So, there you have it loves. I have tons of other beauty tricks up my sleeve, but that is for another time. If you are a man and you are still reading this entry, here is another reward for you........

Lookie at that...................

Okay, I'm out for now. Hugs and kisses !!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Come To Senorita..........

Hello There My Little Pancakes,

I hope you're having a nice weekend.  Pictured below is a T-shirt I bought for a former roommate of mine while we were living together, because I could easily picture him saying something like that to a chick. He was respectful to me and we got along great, but he was definitely a guy in his twenties.

And I have some more Beavis and Butthead for you lovely breakfast treats. Since most of you gave me great feedback on my last Beavis and Butthead post, I figured I would post the song that was out on their movie Beavis and Butthead Do America.

I know, I know, I am juvenile, immature, and twisted. I just can't help but laugh at this song. The chorus, "Come to butthead" never gets old.

Well that is all for now, I was going to write something deep, something with substance but screw it. I don't feel like talking about my feelings today.

Maybe tomorrow.

Ciao and besitos !

Friday, March 26, 2010

Beauty Fades, But Feisty Is Forever.....

Hello There My Little Snozzleberries,

So below is a little clip from Millionaire Matchmaker, which I love to watch.

My grandmother is going to be 90 this year. She comes across as a real sweet lady, and she is. But once in a blue moon things will come out of her mouth that will shock everyone. And I love her for it.

My father is a real colorful, twisted man. His motto is that if he isn't messing with my head, then he doesn't feel right. Then my grandmother says something vulgar that shocks him out of his own mind. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing.

Anyway, loves, the point is, is that when all of my looks fade, and I am just a pile of saggy boobs and gray hair, I want to be a feisty old broad. I just want to tell it like it is.

The relationship counselor in the clip, Dr. Pat Allen, is a favorite of mine. She gives wonderful relationship advice and I would love to do the same and verbally give men the smackdown in my old age.

So, please enjoy. Besitos !

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Blast from the 90s Past

Hello There My Little Buttheads,

So......... remember the early 1990s when Kurt Cobain was still alive and Beavis and Butthead were the shit ?

I have a lot of Nirvana on my iPod. I remember when I was listening to the song "rape me" in traffic. My window was down and I was moving my head back and forth to the music. The guy in the car next to me looked at me and smiled. I think I rolled the windows up immediately, or the light turned green and I could move away from his pervy ass. Talk about awkward.

Anyway, I wasn't allowed to watch Beavis and Butthead as a teenager. I was told it was from Satan himself. Literally. I was lectured for hours on how evil they were and how the Devil was using Beavis and Butthead to reach teenagers. I used to be told over and over that teens were the prime candidates for Satan's work. No wonder I was raised in a very conservative environment and I was definitely under watch as a teen. You should have been there for the "birds and the bees talk." OMG...... AaaaaWKward !

So no, I didn't really get a chance to see Beavis and Butthead in action. Especially since I didn't have friends in middle school, so I couldn't sneak over to their houses to get in on the fun.

So it wasn't in college until I watched a few episodes and thought it was freaking hilarious.

Below is my favorite episode. I forgive you if you can't stand them, or if you are too lazy to watch. But for those of you who are curious, have a little clicky and enjoy !

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Senorita's Fives

What's up my little hummingbirds ?

So, remember how I talked about memes being like STDs ? Well, my little nectar sucking featherballs, this one originates with me. Designed specifically with all of you in mind.

Please do this meme on your blog, and help me infect the Blogger community.

Muchas Gracias !



Things I won't ever be  :

1.) A vegetarian/vegan.

2.) A yogi, even though I occasionally do yoga. I just can't make it a lifestyle like so many others do.

3.) A prius owner

4.) A lesbian

5.) A minvan owner. Toyota has this new ad campaign where they advertise their new lines as full of swagger. Yeah right, I would go out and buy a minivan if I wanted my husband to go out and cheat on me. The minivan has got to be the most unsexy vehicle ever.

Things I refuse to give up:

1.) Bread

2.) Cupcakes

3.) Coffee

4.) Buttercream frosting cakes loaded with dye

5.) Bellydance

Things I won't be doing anytime soon:

1.) Joining Twitter. I'd be tweeting nasty things anyway.

2.) Get a Facebook account

3.) Keeping a food journal or taking pictures of what I eat every day. I'd lie anyways.

4.) Running a marathon

5.) Having children

Things I am thankful for:

1.) My grandparents

2.) My health, or at least for what I have now

3.) That I went back to school when I did. The wait list at school now is insane and I graduated a year ago.

4.) That I am employed, at least for now ::knocks on wood::

5.) The good things to come in the future.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Senorita Likey, Senorita No Likey..................

Hello There My Little Dinner Rolls,

So there is this meme making its way around the intertubes. Memes are like STDs, someone somewhere is bound to get it, and then come back, spread the love and infect the rest of us. And let me tell you, many people on my blogroll are infected by this meme.

And now so am I. I just did it, and now you can read the results below my little bloggy tarts. Enjoy !

Senorita No Likey..........................

1.) People way too close behind me on the highway. There is a bumper sticker I wish I had the balls to display that reads : If you're gonna ride my ass, at least pull my hair !

2.) People that chew their gum with their mouths open and breath loudly at the same time.

3.) Bad breath. Need I say more ????

4.)When I smile or say hi to someone at work (I am a security wench) and they just look at me and look away.

5.) Women that click their heels way too loud when they walk and I can hear it aaaaallll the way down our huge marble hallway at work. Just peeves me out.

Senorita likey mucho......................

1.) Cake with buttercream frosting.

2.) Eduardo Verastegui. For those that don't know, he is a smoking hot model and actor.

3.) Sleeping in.

4.) Hot dates.

5.) Bellydance, bellydance music, bellydance makeup, bellydance friends.......

And now I infect you...............

So don't be shy ! Tell me your likes and dislikes !

Besitos ! Muah !

Monday, March 22, 2010

Deja Dump

Hello My Little Doggies,

So in the past 24 hours, I've seen the same neighbor down the street on the porch of his house with his dog leaving a steaming turd on the lawn. Three times !!! What are the odds ?

I have a schedule that kinda varies. Not only that, but I don't have an assigned parking space at home, so I sometimes have to park way down the street. It's unlikely that I run into the same person more than once ever. I almost never see my neighbors down the hall of my apartment, let alone the people down the street.

Also, I've been at my place for three months now, and I've never seen that man nor his little rat dog.

And in the past 24 hours, I've seen his dog dropping deuces on the lawn each time I've walked to or from my car. Three times ! What is the universe trying to tell me here ?

Not only that, but the little fucker likes to walk up to me and bark. He'll be hunched over ready to leave his little brown gifts, and then I come along and he won't shut his little yippy piehole.

Today when he walked up to me and barked, I looked back down at him and told him to finish taking his dump. He looked back up at me and barked right back.

His owner is a prize himself. Big chubby guy with a little yippy rat dog dressed in a shirt. C'mon dude, man up and get a real dog. Chihuahuas don't count. And for the love of Jesus, please pick up his turds ! I was right there when your dog shat on the lawn, and you saw me standing there. So stop acting like no one saw it, and pick up your little darling's creations.

Sorry to those of you who like chihuahas. If you are a woman, I guess that's okay. It's when men own little rat dogs that I wonder about them.

Anyway that is all for now my little furry friends !

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Manslation Monday !

Hey Bitches, Mama is back ! Time for a "manslation".  I can't believe the wierd shit I find here on Craigslist here in the San Francisco Bay Area. So many poor, lonely, closeted freaks with not enough women to satisfy them.

What is up with men and strap-ons ? I will never understand. Why not just get the real thing ? Just man up and get a real man to give it to you ? Look, I wouldn't classify myself as a prude, but me wearing a strap on is on the list of "Not a fucking chance in Hell" If I don't have it, I ain't giving it to ya.

Anyway, below is the ad. Blue is probably what he's really thinking, and red is what I am saying.

Cute White Guy for safe STRAP-ON Play with Female - m4w

Date: 2010-03-20, 3:22PM

I am not the sort of guy you would expect to be posting this ad. I am a clean-cut guy, with a professional white-collar job, and am generally somewhat on the conservative side. Ah, who the hell am I kidding, I TOTALLY fit the profile. I tell people what to do all day long for a living, so for once I want someone to give it to me hard. I was introduced to strap-ons by a girl in college and was surprised to find I enjoyed it, particularly since I am straight. Too scared to admit I may be gay. I am trying craigslist since I am not sure bringing up this topic with someone I know would be a very good idea:) My wife would never understand and she wouldn't know what to tell the kids.

I am in very good shape, just over 6 feet and I have pictures to trade I didn't mention my penis, and that is because it's small. I am possibly open to other sorts of safe fun as well. I will probably ask to lick your shoe or have you whip me hard. I expect you to be clean, cute, and ready to have some fun:) Douchebag smile for douchey requests. I will get a new strapon just for the occassion. Isn't that supposed to be obvious ???? . So, if that is you, send me an email!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Why I Need Jesus

Hello My Little Fuzzy Ducklings,

So......... my roommate bought Girl Scout cookies. Not just any Girl Scout cookies. He brought home Thin Mints. I honestly couldn't care less about the Samoas nor do I care for Tagalongs. Those are still sitting unopened in the freezer. But the Thin Mints are a totally different situation.

The Thin Mints are my crack. You know how drug addicts want for nothing more than to lock themselves in the house, and shoot themselves up until they die ? Well, when I get my hands on Thin Mints, I just want to go into my room, and wolf down the entire package. I have finished off an entire box before. I didn't do that this year, but OMG I totally fantasized about it.  Especially since they were in the freezer and oh so nice and cold. If I didn't care about my figure or boys, I would totally be wolfing them all down right now. Did you know I still have some crumbs in my bed ? I have no shame. Reminds me of the times Ashleigh and I would make cake batter and eat the entire bowl followed by frosting. God I miss that girl, we're supposed to get together again soon.

Did you also know that I love Bret Michaels ? That man is a total rockstar/dirty manwhore/walking STD on legs that will bang anything with tits, but I can't help it but love him and his antics on TV. I started watching Celebrity Apprentice because of him, and you know what ? His team won and he raised money for his charity, which was for The American Diabetes Association. I hear he gets kicked off fairly early, but whatevs. I enjoyed the fact that the women picked him as a group leader thinking he would lose because they felt like "what does a manwhore know about business." But he still kicked those bitches asses running on one hour of sleep and battling diabetic attacks. So priceless.

I just can't wait until he comes back for the 4th Season of Rock Of Love. I hear they are in production right now. I really hope that is true.

So yes, I need some Jesus right about now so I get back to healthier eating and picking better role models. If I were Catholic I would confess. Speaking of which, sometimes I wonder about those priests listening to confessions. They get no action (at least officially) so I imagine they would live vicariously through the sinners in the church. I am sure some of them are feeling titillated as they listen to people confessing about all the lusty activities they've been partaking in.

So that is all for now my fuzzy little quackers.

Besitos !

Thursday, March 18, 2010

What was the best advice you were given ?

Hello My Little Genies,

So........ we are all fortunate somehow, even when we are going through difficult phases. Someone is usually looking out for us, or has our best interests at heart at some point in our lives.

What was the best advice you were given ? Or what did your parents teach you that stuck with you and served you well later on in life?

1.) My parents raised me against soda and junk food. It's the best thing that could've ever happened to me as a child. I battle my fat ass ( there are large people in my family), but nothing compared to what others are going through out there because their parents helped them cope with stress through junk food and didn't encourage exercise.

In my opinion setting children up to lead unhealthy lives as obese adults who will have to battle food addictions is a form of silent abuse. With that comes low self esteem, and more health problems which is a deadly combination.

I mean, if your parents constantly ridicule you or tell you that you're no good, you can turn around and say that your parents psychologically abused you and that's why you don't believe in yourself. And people would sympathize with you. What you can't do is say that your mom abused you because she fed you chocolate cake everytime you were sad and watched tv with you instead of encouraging you to sweat it out. People would think you're certifiable and proceed to wish they had a mother who brought them food.

2.) My parents made me work out extra hard. They enrolled me in martial arts, and even though it wasn't my favorite, we were always working out whether it was boot camp training, martial arts, running, or doing outdoor activities.

I started at a young age (five), so even though I may get lazy there is still that muscle memory to remind me that I can push a lot harder and make it.

3.) My dad taught me the importance of being frugal and paying my bills on time. I see a lot of adults who don't even know what a credit report is, and I can't imagine not knowing the financial basics. Many people actually grow up and have no clue and their credit is thrashed before they even know what it is, and that is sad.

Okay, so I've told you mine which are basic, but important nonetheless. Time for you to SPILL................................

Blast From The Past

Hello My Little Hip Scarves,

Below are pictures of my performance from 11/2006 in San Francisco. This was Hookahdome, and basically my little coinbelts, in exchange for our little group performing, we could smoke hookah all night long and watch the entertainment gratis.

It was a fabulous evening, and that was the night a photographer approached us to take our pictures for his art project in school. Of course it was free for us, and I got some great pictures out of it. The ones that were in my header were done by him.

I feel that I can post these pictures again, because I am about the same shape now as I was then.  Of course I did get fatter since then, but I would say I am back to where I was in those pictures.

I will post the pictures from my most recent performance when I get them in a couple of weeks.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Senorita's Ten To Looking and Feeling Better

Hello There My Little Muffins,

So, there are a lot of weight loss blogs out here in Bloggy Land. My favorite is Bitch Cakes at http://msbitchcakes.blogspot.com/
She doesn't have over a thousand followers for nothing. I am willing to bet that over half of my readers already follow her blog.

Anyway, we all have our own little methods for how to get into better shape. We all do it differently, and what works for some doesn't work for others. Different strokes for different folks, if you will.

Anywho, I will offer up ten of my strokes. Enjoy ! And please do share some helpful tidbits in the comment section. Would love to hear from you !

1.) The best thing I've ever heard was "You can do anything for 10 seconds." So while you're running, sprint for ten seconds and then go back to running. If you're doing pushups, go hard and fast for 10 seconds. It's better than just working out at the same pace and letting your body get used to the same pace.

2.)Invest in good running shoes or good walking shoes for that matter. Your feet and back will thank you for it.

3.)Find an activity you like doing. If you don't know what you like exactly, then invest some time to figure out what that is. Don't go to the gym and do exercises you don't like. Some people like to run, others like weight lifting. If you like an activity, do it. I love bellydance. I've stuck with that for 8 years. You may have to try out a lot of different activities. But once you find that one you like, stick with it.

4.) Staying in shape or losing weight is not a short term change. If you don't make it a life style change and think long term, you will not be successful in the long run, because as soon as you reach your goal, you will stop and gain it all back. I can't see myself journaling for the rest of my life because I know I would forget and leave things out, so I don't do it.

5.) Know what you are willing to part with, and what you are not willing to give up, and live your life accordingly. You can't eat it all, so sacrifice some, but not all.

Things I don't consume:
- Soda (Never liked it anyway)
- Mayonnaise
- Butter (I only eat a little at restaurants, I don't buy it)
- Alcohol (I maybe have on average 5 drinks a year)
- White bread
- I rarely eat fried food.
- Salad dressings, sour cream

Things I refuse to part with (so sue me)
- Cake, cupcakes, cookies
- Wheat bread
- Pasta
- Coffee
- Whipped Cream

6.) Push yourself. There is a difference between pushing past the discomfort and feeling better and pushing yourself to where you hurt yourself. Don't hurt yourself. Know the difference and push yourself accordingly. If you don't know, then learn. Hire a personal trainer, and make sure he/she is qualified to help you. Or talk to your doctor.

7.) Don't ever tell yourself you can't do it even if you really can't. Tell yourself you CAN do it and keep trying. You won't get there overnight, but sometimes you really gotta fake it to make it.

8.) I don't buy junk food and keep it in the house from the supermarket. In fact when I go grocery shopping, I just buy healthy food so there is no temptation in the house. This is the best advice for me out of the bunch, otherwise I would be one fat cow.

It's not that I don't eat junk food, it's just that I do most of the damage outside of the house, and I don't like to spend money on junk food. I usually get it free at work anyway.

9.) Don't get discouraged. I've been working out a lot more, and it took a month for the scale to even budge. I don't know why, but that's not the point. The point is, I accepted that I wasn't getting what I wanted and I still got my ass into the gym and still sweated it out. I am hitting some major plateaus early, but at least I am sticking to working out so I can feel better at the very least. That is why you should find an activity you like. So when you aren't seeing any immediate improvements, going back and working out isn't so awful when you are feeling down. At least you are doing something you like.

10.) Know why you're getting into shape. It's okay to do it for whatever reason. Don't say it's for you or to be healthy when you really just want to look hotter or attract the opposite sex, or same sex if you are into that. Don't let people tell you that you should only be doing it for you or your health. That is the most politically correct bullshit answer ever, unless you actually truly mean it, and I can't see most people meaning it. Yeah, of course I want to be healthy, but I don't get up and bust my ass and wanting to scream like a little girl so my heart has an easier time beating. I wasn't dying in the first place. Also, yeah, it would be nice to be healthy when I am old and my tits are sagging in my shoes, but that isn't for a while anyway. Thinking about that is a little depressing anyway. I am doing this because I want to look better. As they say, nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Do it for whatever reason, but just get out there and do it. And then as you start to feel better, you may actually end up doing it for you. But at the very least you will be healthier and feeling better about yourself.

11.) BONUS* Stop with the excuses. Sometimes we don't want to work out, but at least admit it to yourself and stop with the excuses. Do you want to look and feel better or not ? How much is it worth to you ?

In school it was harder for me, especially with my job after. But I somehow found a couple of hours to watch tv. I could have used that time to work out. I just chose not to.

Parents. I am not a parent, but I know a lot of single parents that bust their asses raising their children AND staying in shape. Surely if they can, anyone can. Sometimes people tell me an excuse like that, knowing I don't have kids so I can't really say anything back, at least not out loud.

People with disabilities. Work with what does work for you. You may not be able to do it all, but you can do something, so do that something. Unless you are completely bedridden, you can do something.

So that is all for now my sugary, carbohydrate laden treats.

Besitos !

I live by a giant penis

Hello My Little Roosters,

So, I will start spilling more details about my year in Barcelona.

I was alone in Barcelona and my way of getting to know people was going onto loquo.com and signing up for language exchanges ( I speak English, they teach me Spanish, but they usually just want to speak English). Loquo is the Craigslist of Barcelona, or at least it was when I lived there. I met people, made new friends, got dates, found new English students and a new places to live thanks to Loquo.

The level of English in Spain is pretty low compared to the rest of Europe, or at least it still was back in 2004-2005. You can thank Fransisco Franco for that. I don't have time for a history lesson, but basically he didn't want other cultural influences in Spain during his rule. You can still see a lot of his influences in Spain.

So what does this have to do with phalluses ? I'm glad you asked.

So when I met up with a guy on Loquo who ended up becoming a good friend of mine, I asked him where he lived, and he kinda lowered his head and said that he lived by a giant penis. Thinking I was misunderstanding something I asked him to repeat himself. He did, and his answer did not change. He still lived by a huge schlong.

It turns out, near the end of my stay, so did I. I moved closer to it. Here, have a looksie.... The two pics below were taken by me from my balcony.

A little closer..............

This was near the end of my stay, but while the tower was under construction the previous summer, it looked like this..............

So yeah, it had a huge shaft during the summer of 2004. When my roommate drove me by it like this, I couldn't help but giggle like a schoolgirl who just saw a penis in a textbook. I didn't photograph the shaft though. I ripped this one from Wikipedia. So thank the folks there and maybe make a donation ? I doubt they had this in mind when posting the pic, but whatevs..........

Since I've been so occupied with it's shape, I forgot to tell you the name and history of this tower. This is the Agbar Tower, aka Torre Agbar. It turns pretty colors at night. Just think of it as the pretty vibrator you never had.

In it are head offices for the water department in Barcelona. Now how much more phallic can you get ? They really didn't have to do it. It's not like people in Barcelona are repressed. It's a total orgy, that city. San Francisco is tame compared to Barcelona.

Anyway, I had two gay roommates in this apartment, and while we were on the balcony, one of the guys told me he wished a plane would've just flown him over the tower and dropped him on his ass.

Okay loves, that is all for now ! Class is dismissed !

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Rakkasah 2010

Hello There My Little Shimmies,

So this weekend I went to Rakkasah here in the SF Bay and performed. For those of you that don't know Rakkasah is the biggest bellydance festival in the world. It is a bellydancer's wet dream, and vendors, teachers, dancers and audiences all come together to exchange money, lessons, merchandise and performances. Anything you could think of relating to bellydance, Rakkasah probably has it. So many different costume ideas, props, makeup and so much more. I blew a lot of cash this weekend and I don't regret it at all. I found some good buys that I am very happy with.

I had a blast. I went with my friend and we drove up together. I performed my sword routine and then went shopping after. My favorite photographer was there and was photographing the dancers and I am still waiting for the pictures to come back. I do have the DVD of my performance, but I am not posting it up here because: 1.) I don't know how to post it and 2.) You can kind of see the crack of my ass and I don't really feel like showing that.

People were really nice, and I got a lot of compliments on my performance. I also ran into former teachers and troupe members. It really is a supportive environment where dancers and audiences come together to cheer eachother on. You can find beginners and advanced dancers on stage. So many dancers with gorgeous costumes.

I felt kind of bad because my costume was really simple. Dancers were spending the big bucks and probably had people staying up all night to make it, yet I just threw mine together. I wore a black top with an open back that exposed my stomach. I think it's called a choli. I also wore black pants. It was really simple, but I wore a lot of makeup and did my hair and used my sword. It's just that my routine involves me getting down on the floor, and I would ruin an expensive costume if I wore it on the floor. Also, my sword was the main feature and I wanted to draw the attention to my sword and my face.

I have been dancing off and on since 2002. Back then, it was still kind of new and mysterious for the public. It was around the time Shakira was getting really famous. And back then, it was harder to find teachers, and getting costumes happened by word of mouth. Also, there were virtually no Bellydance instruction DVDs. Now anyone can just go online and buy costumes and find DVDs. Plus, here in the SF Bay we have so many great teachers. It is much easier to get involved with dance than it was in 2002. But I still have the old VHS tapes of the famous Egyptian bellydancers from the 1960s and 1970s.

Below is an old clip from Souhair Zaki for those of you who are interested in the famous Egyptian bellydancers from back in the day. I've also always liked Dina and Lucy. Unfortunately the Egyptian government later stepped in and many of these dancers dissapeared. It is said that they offered these dancers money to stop dancing. I am not sure what it's like now. I think it's gotten more relaxed. I know I would love to travel to Egypt one day. Some of my best teachers were from Egypt.

Anyway, enough talking. Here is the clip.......

I still have my first costume, a red beaded sequined costume from Egypt. It was from my Egyptian teacher

Friday, March 12, 2010

Shape Up Bitches !

Hello There My Little Fuzzy Peaches,

The above picture is of Sketchers Shape Ups, a new sneaker out on the market. I just bought a similar pair in black so that I could wear them at work since I am required to wear black shoes. Sketchers has other styles to chose from.

No, this is not a sponsored post. I am just really pleased with the shoes.

Basically, not only have my knees been hurting due to the lastest work outs I've been subjected to, but my posture sucks ass, and I am pigeon-toed. Being pigeon-toed sucks. I am more prone to tripping over my own feet, and dancing is harder for me. Wearing heels is also really hard too. Basically, I've felt hindered in life.

Anyways, Sketchers claims that these shoes give you more of a workout for your legs and butt, because you are engaging more of your muscles when walking in them. People I've talked to swear by them. They know people who have lost weight wearing them and incorporate them in their walks. I don't doubt it, because you are walking from heel to toe in them and using more of your muscles. I suppose you could equate it to walking in sand.

As for me, I can't tell, as I've been hurting from my Bitch classes lately. My teacher has been having us do squats and kicks. So if I am sore, I can't tell if it's from the actual working out that I've been doing, or because of my new shoes. I am willing to bet it is probably more of my actual working out. So I don't know if I am sore from the shoes.

But I can tell you they are a miracle worker for my back, as I am now standing up straight. Not only that, but there is less pressure on my knees. Most importantly however, is that when I walk in these, I am not as pigeon-toed as I was without them. In fact, I am walking normally in them. And to me, that is a huge fucking deal. I feel like a normal person, and I don't feel like people are watching me walk. I used to get teased all the time for how I walk. I still sometimes do. Now I can finally feel like I am blending in.

These shoes run about $100, and I think they are worth it. I paid $120 for my running sneakers so these to me are a better deal.

Another company sells shoes like Shape Ups for $245. With that price you would think it would fondle you too. I hear that Kmart and Curves make a shoe like Shape Ups that sell for under $40. But I wouldn't trust that.

I bought my pair at Sketchers in San Francisco because they were out of my size in the stores in my area. I wear a size 6, and apparently women my size love these shoes.

I recommend you go to DSW Shoes as they are at least $10 cheaper than the Sketchers store.

Anywhore, if you own a pair, please tell me how you like them. I wear them to work, and my feet aren't tired like they usually are, and I walk for hours at a time without sitting down. I hear they aren't really for running, but you could probably walk in them on the treadmill to incorporate them into your workouts.

So that is all for now loves ! Have a wonderful weekend !

Kisses ! Besitos ! Bussi !

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Bloggy Love Time !

Hello There My Little Fuzzy Puppies,

So..... Pippi tagged me on the ass a few days ago. Basically, my little helpless balls of fur, I have to predict where I will be in the next ten years.

I am 29 years old, so I will be 39 and about to turn 40. A lot changes in a decade. I know my life has turned upside down, in and out in the last decade. I have moved at least ten times, graduated twice, changed my path in life, discovered my passions, traveled and lived abroad, and a toooooon more that I just don't have time to get into.

There is no way I could've predicted where I would end up ten years ago. No way that I would've guessed 10 years ago that my life would still be in limbo.

So, to ask me to tell you what I think I will be doing as I am about to turn 40 ? I have no fucking idea, especially since I can't even predict my life in the next week, let alone the next decade. Things change so unexpectedly in my world.

I will tell you that I hope I am happily married and wealthy, and in the best shape of my life. A girl can dream, right ? I can't just expect a man to fall out of the sky, but I am working on the financials and getting into better shape.

I guess I just want to be happy. That's all I can really ask for.

Anywhore, enough talking about me, time to chose 5 people to tag on the ass ::slap::slap::

1.) Red Shoes

2.) Bama Trav, my bloggy lover

3.) Bev

4.) Ashleigh, my Mama Cita

5.) Mac, my favorite blog perv

Okay, so that is all for now !

Besitos !

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What Do You Do When........................

You Find Christmas Balls in San Francisco with Le Porkstar ?

You pose with them of course while he snaps the shot !

Or how about when you see horrible horrible graffiti on a show board ?

You both giggle like little schoolgirls and capture it on film !

Or how about when you miss the boat to Alcatraz ?

                                            You take boat ride around the bay with cool beats and complimentary booze !

More pictures to come later ! Happy Hump Day !

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Wassa goin' on ?

Hello My Little Monk Parakeets,

Not much to talk about today. I am so exhausted from the weekend. As you all know, Le Porkstar, one of my blogger friends came out to visit and together we explored San Francisco. Last year I met up with him for dinner in New York, so it was nice of him to come out and visit me. I will have to post pictures later.

You know how I am sick and twisted ? Well, Le Porkstar is the male version of me. We definitely kept each other entertained. While he was in the middle of thinking a dirty thought, I would finish his sentences and vice versa.

My favorite part was taking a sailboat ride in the San Francisco Bay. It was windy and the boat was definitely rocking, but it was so much fun. It wasn't one of those big boats that go slow. It was smaller and went faster. At times, I almost thought I was going to fall off. Beer and wine aboard were complimentary and they had some great background music. All while taking in the beautiful views of Alcatraz, the Golden Gate Bridge, The Bay Bridge and Tiburon. Totally worth every penny.

The funny thing was, that we were supposed to go tour Alcatraz, but we were about 15 minutes late thanks to the faulty train schedule information we received. I was lucky to even get my money back, as the tours were all sold out and they normally don't allow refunds. I am glad it didn't work out because the sailboat ride was much better, and besides, I've seen Alcatraz before. And after that sailboat ride, we rode the cable cars. That was fun too.

Other than that, I have my dance performance this Saturday and I need to practice. Like really bad.

If any of you live here in the SF Bay and would like to come out and show me some bloggy love, I will be dancing at Rakassah on Saturday at 4pm.

Okay, that is all for now. Be well my little feathery friends.........

Love, hugs, kisses and shimmies,


Monday, March 8, 2010


Well Good Morning My Little French Hens,

Soooo.......... I have a lot to write. I spent my weekend entertaining Le Porkstar, one of my bestest blogging friends. We went to San Francisco and sailed through the SF Bay and rode the cable cars among other things. But that's blog fodder for another time. I am gonna miss him :(

Did I tell you that I went to my Bitch class again this morning ? We did a lot of ab work. Mr. Older Man who sounded like he was giving birth last time made his appearance again. He didn't whine and moan as much as last time. But it was entertaining to see him whimper while his legs were in the air and going in circles.

So that's not the real reason for my post either........ Look below. Below is an old SNL favorite of mine.

Enjoy !

Saturday, March 6, 2010

You Know You're In Barcelona When................

Hello There My Little Emerald Parakeets,

Soooo................ Time for me to pull out the archives on this blog !

I wrote the below archives when I lived in Barcelona, or shall I say Barthelona. I wrote 25 things each, on "You know you're in Barcelona when".............

Part One

Part Two

I am so glad that I did this.  I wrote a lot. At the time, it seemed like it was overkill to write about my experiences since I was living it. But looking back, it's nice to have these memories.

I will start posting pictures later.

Besitos !

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Asked and Answered !

Hello There My Little Hummingbirds,

So, yesterday I invited you all to ask me anything, and thank you to those of you that did ! If you asked me something, I answered and the answers are below !

BamaTrav said...

o.k., will you go out with me? If you promise to be a perfect gentleman and not grope me in a parking lot.

mac said...

I kind of like when you offer up tidbits about yourself. Thank you
I think I'll just wait to see what you decide to tell us ;-)
But, if a question is a must...
Do you know you make me smile when I see your comments on other blogs? Yes, yes I do, and do you know that I laugh at all of your pervy, lecherous comments ?

Red Shoes said...

Yes... I wanna know what it was about Barcelona that caused you to so fall in love with it... my daughter was in Barcelona a few years ago... and she feels the same way about it... wish I had gone... So many things about Barcelona captivated my soul. I will have to go back and do some more blog entries about this. But one of the things I loved were that there were so many people from all over the world. The food was unbelievable, the night life was off the hook, and there was always something to do, always something to intrigue me. Some of my favorite things included a motorcycle ride to the top of the hill, as well as to the beach, salsa and merengue with my Venezuelan date, lessons and taking bellydance lessons in Spanish. If you read through my archives from June 2004-June 2005 you can get an idea of what life was like over there. I was incredibly homesick for most of the time, but at the same time, I wouldn't trade the trip for anything.

Secretia said...

Was it embarrassing when you first started belly dancing? I actually wasn't. I thought I was the shit, but now I am a little more humbled. One of my first teachers was Egyptian and she could take any average Annie and turn her into a performer. It really is all in the attitude and I just went out there and danced my heart out, and people responded. One man from Spain came up to me and told me he fell in love with me by watching me dance. He introduced me to my favorite Spanish restaurant.

Jimmy's Journal said...

If a couple from Louisiana move to California and later get a divorce, are they still legally brother and sister?
Inquiring minds want to know. LOL, I just don't know how to respond to this............

Paul Nichols said...

Do you think you will ever visit the Heart of America? I don't know. I would love to take a road trip at some point.

Kerrie said...

How did you get into Belly Dancing? It was around 2002 and I was watching Shakira on TV. I then signed up for a bellydance lesson at the university. It wasn't until that summer that I was in Munich with my aunt that I decided I wanted to pursue it as a hobby. My aunt took me to a Persian restaurant and I was captivated by the dancer. I have been doing it ever since. It is really the only thing that cures my depression.

Big Mark 243 said...

Dag... I think you have shared so much that I can't ask you any real questions... other than do you think you will stay in the Bay Area forever? I've been trying to get out of here and move somewhere like New York, but on the other hand, I do love the Bay Area. This is my home, and I know I would miss it.
I have heard a lot of great things about Barcelona, too. Do you think that you could pick up and live in another country and have a happy life? I wished I could have stayed in Barcelona. I do believe I could live in another country and live a happy life. The only reason I came back to the US was because I could not get Spanish residency papers. I could have stayed if I had just married, but I was not in love and I didn't want to throw a shot at true love out the window. Had I really, really wanted to stay that bad, I would still be there.

Me, not so much. Even when I was going abroad, I was the 'Ugly American'. But I could see myself in Canada... I am sorry you became the "Ugly American". I didn't have the same experience.

Living somewhere that is different from where I am from is 'foreign', isn't it? I loved Carolina and that is why I wanted to go to Nebraska.... after all, who has ever heard of a city cat moving to such a place as that?

The Pipster said...

Senorita, how do you come up with your little intros everyday...for example, "Hello my little freshly baked chocolate chip cookies"  I just pull it out of my ass. No rhyme or reason.
That makes me smile!  Thank you :)

Danielle said...

What kind of guy are you looking for? You don't talk that much about your "Type"  Ooh, I could write a separate entry about this.

I like men that are men and not pretty. They are rugged, God fearing (not Jesus Freaks), they like sports, love their mothers, and have their separate interests. They are thrill seekers, intelligent, and know their family roots. And they believe in marriage.

As for looks, I love European or Hispanic men. Taller than me, which is pretty easy since I am tiny.

dadshouse said...

Where do you do number two when your toilet breaks at home? Lucky for me, I work late hours, so I can take a nice dump at work before I go home for the night. If the urge arises in the morning, my gym across the street opens at 5am. I also live very close to a 5 star hotel, so if I want to crap in style, it's just a 10 minute walk away. Don't hate me because my bathroom options are beautiful !

(Is a broken toilet considered a blogging trend if I wrote out my own toilet two days in a row?) It is now....

Shadowdancer said...

First off, if BamaTrav wants to date you, he needs to get clearance from me. He should send his civil and police records (if he has any) to me for scrutiny. If he passes my 'sniff' test, I'll let you know he can ask you out. I knew I could count on you, dad !
I do have a question for you though... what is the annual rainfall in the Amazon basin? Hell if I know.

P.S. I'm going to keep an eye on "dadshouse"

Ily said...

Do you speak Spanish fluently? I've always wondered. Technically, no. But fluent enough for me to be able to describe legal concepts to our potential clients. I would say I am an intermediate student in grammar, but I do alright in speaking.

Sweet-Britches said...

I'd like to know if you'll go out with BamaTrav too? As long as he doesn't grow tentacles.
I just checked-out his blog, and I believe that relationship will be full of blog-worthy material for me to enjoy reading later! Our blogging babies would be so cute !

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Ask Me Anything..................

Hello There Kittens !

So............ I am a fan of little bloggy trends. Lately people have let their readers ask them anything.

So go ahead and ask me anything. I don't care what it is, you can ask it.

Wanna know how much my fat ass weighs ? That's open for discussion.

However, some things are sacred.

For starters, questions regarding sex. If you are that pervy and you feel you need to ask, go ahead and ask it. But I may or may not answer. Or I may answer you privately depending on who you are. Please keep in mind that my parents read this.

I will either answer the questions in my comment section or make another blog entry about it.

And I hope you do the same in your next blog entry.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Uninspired to write

Hello Loves,

So I don't have much to say today, except to thank you lovelies for all the comments you gave me on my skydiving entry. You all rock !

Since I've jumped out of that plane, I've wondered why I can't be more adventurous in life. I realized that I've held myself back in a lot of situations when I didn't have to because I was afraid of rejection. I also feel like time is passing me by so fast. And what have I really done with my life ?

Anyway, enough pondering............

I've been following The Bachelor lately and I wonder if I am the only one that thinks Jake is kinda of a douchebag. I was happy with the outcome. I am glad he chose Vienna because they both deserve each other. He claimed at the last minute that he didn't have great chemistry with Tenely, yet he kept her until the very end. He let a lot of great girls go home and he chose Vienna. I hope that she takes him for the ride of his life.

I am looking forward to The Bachelorette with Ali.

I am also looking forward to Celebrity Apprentice because my favorite manwhore Bret Michaels will be in it. I am a huge fan of Rock of Love. I think Bret is a walking infestation of herpes/syphilis/insert STD here............. but he is so fascinating to watch, and he is a trainwreck that I just can't avoid. Did you know that his hair is fake ?

Okay, time to go for now.

Besitos y abrazos !!

Monday, March 1, 2010

I can check one off my bucket list !

Hello There My Little Seashells,

So........... I finally did it ! I finally skydived ! Some of life's greatest pleasures happen in the span of seconds and skydiving is one of those things. It was definitely a thrill I was looking for. I went with my roommate and his friend. His friend was there for moral support and we both jumped out of the same plane. And landed on the beach. The weather was perfect, and I landed barefoot in the sand.

You know how you watch other people do it and the whole experience is romanticized ? People are smiling, they are showing you in slow motion ? And you are watching it with music ? It's completely different when you are in that plane and about to jump. It wasn't so idyllic then. There was no soundtrack, just the sound of the motor, and the gust of cold wind in your face when the door is opened.

We did get off to a rough start. We took two runs. On the first plane ride, as we were in the air my roommate noticed that gas was flying out of the tank. I couldn't really see it, but you could definitely smell it. I later heard that the instructors looked distressed. But from where I was sitting you really couldn't see it so at the time I wasn't worried. They landed the plane and fixed the problem, and we went up again.

The view was absolutely beautiful. It was a clear day, and I could see the farms, and then the beach. The ocean from 10,000 feet was something else. While it was beautiful, I couldn't take it all in, as I realized that I also was about to jump and I just wanted to get it over with. I just wanted to finally do it, something I've been thinking about for the past ten years.

The time finally came, and they opened the door. The air was so effing cold. But it didn't matter, because I swear to God that when you are freefalling, the last thing on your mind is how cold you are. Your adrenaline really does kick in and you don't realize the temperature.

Anyway, it was my turn to jump, and I did not look down. I was concentrating on my instructor's directions and then we jumped. We jumped off the plane and the real falling began. I am not gonna lie. I wanted to shit my pants. I screamed like I've never screamed before and did not stop until the parachute opened.

Some people describe it as flying. I disagree. I felt nothing like a bird. I felt like a rock falling and there was no way I was going to flap my wings to get out of it. It caught me off guard because for my whole life my feet have been planted on the ground. Now I was in the air, and I felt like something was very wrong. It was definitely counterintuitive.

But at the same time, it was very thrilling. Then all of a sudden, the instructor opens your chute and you are going back up in the air for a couple of more seconds. I spent most of that time floating in the air processing the freefall. But the view was so beautiful. We were above the ocean. That is definitely a plus of living in California. In fact, I landed on the same beach Ashleigh and I walked on. She used to live so close. Last year when we were frolicking in the sand I never imagined I would skydive onto it.

It all happened so fast, and I think I would do it again. Actually, I would definitely do it again. I don't have any pictures, but I did get it on DVD. I don't know how I did it, but I managed to smile most of the time. The interesting thing was when my parents skydived 18 years ago, another camera man would have to be there to capture it.  On my trip, The tandem instructor filmed us himself. He ended up doing 8 jumps that day. The people that jumped after us were so nice and even hugged us before we jumped and were there to watch the DVDs with us.

Anyways loves, that is the experience in a nutshell. I hope you all get a chance to try it. If you ever come out to California, I will jump with you, or at the very least offer you moral support.

Okay, besitos !