Thursday, April 29, 2010

Now, Don't Hold Back !

Dear Mr. Wanna-Be Executive,

We met at a networking event last night in the city. Granted, it was in a bar, but we were still business people there for the purpose of networking.

So when I asked you what you did for a living, as everyone was asking each other (way better than Hey, baby, you come here often?)  it was a valid question.

No need to tell me you don't want to make a big deal about it, conceal your "executive" position and company, yet let it slip out that you manage 80,000 people ( I think the more accurate number is 8, they probably don't even listen to you ).

I mean, take it easy, I didn't even think you were attractive (you wandered over to us), so clearly I didn't want anything from you, not even your money. I know, hard concept to grasp, but you'll figure it out.

But the moment that your douche-bag status was solidified in my brain was when you said that you are part "thought-leader" (WTF?), part director, part asshole. You were like "somebody has gotta do it, I am up at the crack of dawn managing people across the globe, blah blah blah........." I knew at that moment that you were a total pantywaste. **Note for the Ladies: When a man openly admits that he is an asshole, believe him.

I was so glad that you jetted away to use the bathroom. When you came back out, you made it a point to make eye contact with me, walk away and talk to a hot blonde and act like you were ignoring me. No hard feelings, little buddy, that smile I gave you wasn't me flirting and wishing for more. It was more like of relief that I didn't have to listen to you barf out gibberish from your obnoxious piehole.

And please no lawyer jokes or bashing my profession. For one, I am not a lawyer, and two, I've worked with great attorneys so yeah, while there may be scumbag attorneys, just keep in mind for every bad lawyer, there is a douchey wanna be executive.

But thanks for leaving us with your hot friend for discussion. He was a little bit of a douche too, but not as much as you and he was waaaay easier on the eyes.

No love,


Dear Guy Next To Me in Traffic,

Please keep in mind that there are people next to you on the road, especially during rush hour and long-ass traffic lights.

Therefore, I was able to get front row seating to you picking your nose in a traffic light. I hope it was crunchy enough for you. Perhaps you were hungry ? In that case, I hope it held you over until dinner time.



Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Honest Scrap Award Time, Bitches !

Hello There My Little Chocolate Chip Cookies,

So, I am a little behind on your blogs, but I will try and catch up. Work has been crazy, and I have a dance performance this weekend at a Persian birthday party. You know that once you go Persian there is no other version.

Please know that I don't post without the intentions of going and reading yours so I will go back and comment on your stuff, you little comment whores you !

So Candace nominated me for the Honest Scrap Award. Basically the rules are, I have to list ten of my confessions. That is not hard. I can easily rattle off ten things I wouldn't normally admit to. However, this is a public blog, my parents read it, and I also don't want to shock or offend anyone. I want us all go group hug. So here.............

Confession 1: I can be really offensive if I want to be. Do you have any idea of how much I hold back on this blog and in public ? You can never go wrong by staying neutral or by being polite. Sometimes I wish there would be a "Don't Hold Back Day" and I could respond to every politically charged post I come across on this blog where people think their way is the only way.

2.) I am really ticklish especially on my ribs, and under my feet. I hate it when people tickle me though.

3.) I love Brett Michaels. He is dirty, skanky rockstar. Did you watch the recent episode of Celebrity Apprentice ? He referred to his group as the "Hot Perverted Trainwreck" and I so wish I coulda joined ! The task was to design a workout routine at 24 Hour Fitness. His group designed the rockstar workout where the slogan is "Sweat Like a Rockstar so you can smell like one too." My favorite excercise of his was the Tourbus Thrust ! He called all of his groupies to come to the gym for his exercise class and in the middle of doing The Tourbus Thrust, some woman kinda stood over him like she was about to straddle him. I am going to revisit this here on another post, hopefully with footage. I think he is the only rockstar I would allow myself to makeout with. I hope he recovers soon. Bretty, Senorita loves you long time !

4.) I refuse to get an iPhone or a Blackberry. I am perfectly fine with my Motorola Crazr which I got 3 years ago. I see no reason to pay an extra $15-30 a month in addition to my phonebill just so I can have internet access, when I already have it at home on my laptop. Besides Blackberrys are slow, and when I am speaking to someone who has an iPhone I can barely hear them anyway. I will stick to my old phone until it craps out on me. And that day is coming, but I also have phone insurance. I've been paying into that for a while, so those phone bitches owe me !

5.) When joining in the internet dating love fest, if a man has bad grammar, it is a no go. I just can't deal with that. I don't care about the occasional messup. Hell, look at some of my posts. Totally littered with incorrect spellings, and grammar. But then again, I am not out here trying to bang any of you.

Bad grammar either tells me that the guy didn't do well in school or never took his education seriously. OR he knows better and just doesn't give a rat's behind. Either reason is a red flag to me, especially since spell check makes it all so much easier. It's like walking out of the house with a booger hanging out of your nose when all you have to do is look in the mirror. No spank you.

6.) I would rather work out at the gym or outside than use a Wii or Playstation, and I can't tell the difference between those things anymore, or if they are even the same thing. My point is, if I can't go out and enjoy nature, what is the point of even living in the real world ?

7. ) I could never be a vegetarian, and definitely not a vegan. I also refuse to cut out bread and potatoes.

8.) In dating, I don't believe in the "nice guy." I believe in a respectful, well-mannered guy. But I don't believe in the Nice Guy syndrome. Because some of those men that played the "nice-guy" card turned out to be worse than your typical hot douche. If I am going to end up with a mean guy, at least please be easy on the eyes. Sometimes, you can't win, but c'mon, get some of what you want !

So yeah, go ahead and flame me all you want, but usually the "nice guy" who pleads with women to give him a chance is using his niceness, because that is all he has going for him and lets women walk all over him, only to wonder why they left him even though he was "so nice."

I have worked with the "nice guy" who always throws compliments out like Halloween candy. He's not that attractive, but he knows how to use that to his advantage and women fall for it all the time, only for him to cheat on them and be a douche behind their backs.

And for you guys out there that are about to flame me, the same applies to chicks. I've definitely seen the "Nice Girl Syndrome" in effect around my guy friends.

9.) I don't like cheesecake. I think this is worth mentioning because 99.987654321% of people I've talked to love Cheescake. But not Yours Truly.

10.) My least favorite vegetables are zucchini, squash and eggplant. Just thinking about those things makes me want to gag.

So here are the 5 people I want to Nominate:

1.) HMC in Cali
2.) My Mama Cita Ashleigh
3.) Darrin
4.) Danielle
5.) Fire Blossom

Besitos !

P.S: I am trying to upload the logo, but am having some difficulty. I will be back to upload it later.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

I met my Favorite Comedian !

So tonite I hung out with my Mama Cita Ashleigh. We ate dinner at a Spanish restaurant and then had dessert. We were talking about my favorite Internet Comedian Jon Lajoie and how I've been to his show before and loved it. I've been walking by the comedy club near my place, hoping he would be on the schedule lately, but no dice.

And wouldn't you know it as we were walking by after dinner, he was there, and we arrived just in time for the show.  What were the odds of that ? That man is so incredibly vulgar, but that's okay because Ashleigh and I are dirty birds and proud of it too. We sang along to his vulgar songs. I know all the words and danced along to his vulgar pelvic thrusts.

After the show we met him in the lobby, and I was a totally star-struck fan. He threw a paper plane during his show, and we caught it. I told him I saw him when he was here in town last ( I rescheduled a midterm for that), I love his vulgarity, and he signed my paper airplane. I then got a picture with him and a hug. It took a lot of restraint to not kiss him on the cheek, but I made it. I would've made out with him if he let me, but I was trying to be a respectful star-struck fan.

So he didn't keep his eyes open in the picture, but it's okay. At least you know that I met him and I have proof!

Here is the song we were singing and dancing along to in the crowd. He actually came out in that costume and gyrated during the song. The show was worth it for that last performance alone. I can't believe I know the lyrics to this.

Remember.......... Women are only good for three things...... Cooking, cleaning and Vaginas !

Saturday, April 24, 2010

What is up with fashions????

Hello My Little Blueberry Pancakes !

Okay, so I am just gonna randomly say what I wanna say. I was out shopping yesterday and here are some observations.................

1.) I bought underwear that "won't ride up". Hahaha ! You know why they won't ride up ? Because they are granny panties ! That's why ! They cup your cheeks and unflatter your ass. They also give you horrid panty lines.

But I bought then anyway, because I am tired of my underwear riding up the crack of my ass on the treadmill or while I am kicking or doing situps. I am also tired of finding that perfect moment to take care of the wedgy. So annoying.

2.) I was looking for cute tops at the mall yesterday to highlight all the hard work I've been doing. Highlight my waistline and "push up the girls."

I walked away in total disappointment. Soooooo many shirts and tank tops on sale that don't stop at the waistline. They go down to your hips or knees. Below is an example.

You know what this is good for ? Women who have "muffin tops" and want to conceal them. Or for women that don't want to show off their figure. I wonder if men are on to this little secret.

Or how about this ..............................

It's cute on her, because she is tall and skinny, and it's supposed to kind of drape over the body. Also, she doesn't have that much boobage going on and can wear an open shirt like that. I see stores loaded with shirts like this. This does not flatter me because 1.) I am short and curvy and don't want to wear a shirt like a dress where it just bunches up around the arc of my ass and
2.) I have huge tatas and this would never fly. It would look like I am trying too hard.
3.) What is up with all the "Ed Hardy" designs going on in the shirts out there ? I am not into that.

I have noticed that the fashions from the eighties are in full swing. I was a child during the eighties. I hated it then, and I still hate it now. No offense to those of you that want to relive the eighties. Bring back the nineties, or fashions from even four years ago. Senorita no likey.

So basically, no cute top for me at the mall. But I am not giving up. I usually have better success at shops for Latinas, so that will be my next stop.

My next rant is about bras. God "blessed" me, but the bra manufacturing industry is made up of angry, jealous bitches because bras for us girls make us look like we're nursing. WTF is up with that ?????

Bra shopping sucks hairy, smelly balls for me because a) they try to sell me a nursing bra b.) The straps are way too big, and I always have to adjust them. No love, I tell you, no love.

Okay, so I feel better for venting now. Time to go work out.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Advice For a 29 Year Old ?

Hello My Little French Hens,

So I was watching a rerun of Celebrity Apprentice last night with Cyndi Lauper. Basically she was giving advice to an aspiring singer, who I thought was really talented. She took the young lady aside and basically told her that no matter what happens, to never give up on her dreams. She said that sometimes life doesn't begin until you are thirty and that her life didn't really start until she turned thirty.

What do you think ? Do you think that is true ?

I've done a lot of things in my life, but I still don't feel like I've really lived my life. I feel that there is still so much that I've never experienced. I've never been successful in my career (I've spent all my time in school and looking for a job), I've never been in love, and while I have friends, I don't have a group of friends with whom I can socialize with regularly, although I think that is slowly starting to change.

I just feel that I've been held back. I really hope I have better luck when I turn 30 at the end of this year. Gosh, I was so stupid in my earlier twenties. I am still in my twenties, but I think I've gotten better and I hope that it shows by the time I hit my thirties.

 If my life were over today I would feel disappointed. I couldn't say that I had a great run. I would think to myself that I didn't get a chance to really live life. I mean, I tried, but I haven't really done everything that I've wanted.

I don't know why I am even writing this now. I mean, in my last post I was joking about anuses and vaginas.

This year I have felt isolated and so alone I can't even describe it (and it has little to do with my single status, because I felt the same way in that relationship as well). I thought last year was that way, but this year it is magnified. I moved into a new place during the new year, and I remember sitting in the kitchen thinking how alone I've felt. I've never had that feeling before. It hit me that I could quite possibly end up spending the rest of my life like that. Moving place to place, all alone, with no idea of what could happen next.

Anyway, time to get some sleep, as being sleep deprived is probably part of why I feel this way.

Monday, April 19, 2010

You put WHAT on your face ?

Hello There My Little Medicinal Cremes,

So............... I'm sure you have products in your house that are intended for one thing and then used for an entirely different purpose.............

So today I am going to hone in on some products intended for the anus or vagina that are also useful for your face. Sorry in advance to those of you who don't have a vagina. (I am talking about a real one).

Let the reviewing begin.............

The first product du jour is Preparation H, which is intended for hemorrhoids. Not only is that word hard to spell, but life is also very difficult when your asshole is on fire and you have to act like nothing is burning down and be polite to people. But have no fear, Prep H will put out the flames and soothe your pain ever so gently. It's like you're a baby and mama is there to gently rock you back to sleep. All that, but with your ass.

And................. apparently if you've got bags under your eyes, it helps with that too. Like if you've been up all night and have an interview the next morning, as in what happened to me last month when I had to work late and then get up early as sin. Whip out the Prep H and apply it to the bags under your eyes. But make sure to use the Prep H ointment, because the gel hardens and flakes, and I had some minor flakage going on. But whatevs, that interview led me to working there now so maybe you should try some eye flakage too !

Next product du jour is for the ladies, and can potentially save you some serious cash..............

Monistat Anti Chafing Creme.

This is intended to help with chafing, for example if your thighs constantly rub together (working out has cured that for me), or if your bra strap digs a little too deeply (it's a bitch). It also helps with razor burn.

Guys listen up, I know that some of you are into "manscaping" if you catch my drift, ;) ;)  so if you are experiencing the burn or pain, you could really use this product. The only thing is, make sure you have a girlfriend who uses this product, because trust me, you do not want to be that guy shopping in the feminine hygiene product area, buying Monistat.

Anywho, this product has been recently discovered to be used as a primer (used on your face before you apply makeup, it helps your makeup last longer). Ladies, you know how expensive primers are. They easily run about $40, for a small tube. But Monistat costs about $6, and there is a lot more product.

Dimethicone is the main ingredient in primers, which is the main ingredient in Monistat's Chafing Relief Power Gel. Plus, the tube is way bigger than you would buy at a department store.

I've been using this on my face before I apply my foundation and the rest of my makeup, and it really helps make everything last longer. Especially since my eye makeup is the first to smear and disappear, but this stuff really helps keep things in place.

If you want more reviews on this product, just look at all the reviews on the Internet. Women rave about his product, and it is very popular. Stores are usually sold out of this stuff, so make sure you stock up.

Here is a more detailed review for those that want to read about using this as a primer. I am a total fan of this stuff, and it's saved me some serious cash.

Anywhore, time to get ready for work. Take care of yourselves (including your anuses, vaginas and faces)

Besitos !

Saturday, April 17, 2010

A Quickie

Hello My Little White Doves,

So I'm gonna make this short because I was invited out to a concert at the last minute by my feisty Latina friend. We are gonna go see three Latin pop singers. I don't remember who they are, but I'm pretty sure I've heard them on the radio and probably have at least one of their songs on my iPod. Plus I heard they are hot. I am totally in the mood for some hot Latin flavor right now. I didn't learn Spanish for nothing, you know.

What else ?

Oh yeah, tomorrow is the babyshower for my old roommate's girlfriend. I called him up to find them on the registry, but then I made it very clear that there had better be a cake. I told him that I am not driving all the way out there and bringing presents for nothing. So he told me that there would be white cake with whipped cream frosting.

I'm partly kidding. I would go no matter what, but of course I love me some cake and I would be a much happier chica with sugar in my veins.

Okay, time to go and curl my hair.

Meow !

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Open Letter Time !

Dear Twats in my Morning Work Out Class,

Please shut your pieholes during class, especially while we are exercising. I know that our membership fees are kinda expensive but that gives you no right to be disrespectful to the instructor. FYI, if you are busy yapping, you can't possibly be doing the workout right, because the whole point of the exercises are for us to feel the burn.

Besides, it is before dawn, I am tired as hell and cranky. The last thing I want to hear is you talking. I just want to sweat it out, get my ass kicked in class and go home.

Since you obviously aren't feeling the workout burn, how about I light a match under your ass instead ?

Two words: Common Courtesy. If that is not enough, I have four more for you: SHUT THE FUCK UP !



P.S: Just remember that if your gut and love handles are still parking themselves on your body it is probably because you 1.) Rarely come to class  (Which is fine with me)
                    2.) Chat with your Bestie and slack off  in the workouts.

Dear Woman In the Company Across The Hall: ( We all have to share a godforsaken bathroom on the same floor)

Whoever said that women don't shit or fart obviously hasn't met you. ( Or me, but this isn't about me) Some dumbass said it kills the fantasy. Well, honey if you are married I am sure there was no fantasy to even be killed. But you almost killed me today.

 Now I don't know what the Hell crawled up your ass, hibernated, died and rotted for eternity in your stomach, but I wish you hadn't let it out today.

What the fuck did you eat for lunch ! And WHY ??????

I don't ever think I can ever go back in that bathroom ever again. Your nasty stench singed the tiny little hairs in my nostrils. It must be biohazardous. And my brain won't let me forget it. Hours later and I still relive that bathroom nightmare. My coworker had a little laugh because I was gagging at my desk, and she thought I was gonna hurl.

Please tell me.....  What have I done to deserve this?  They say karma is a bitch, but what is it that I've done to deserve this ? And to whom ? Please tell me what I did and whom I offended and I will appologize promptly.



Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Office Space Memories

Hello There My Little Swingline Staplers,

So as you know I am working in an office. I have had many jobs including waitressing, car rental, telemarketing, security, retail and fast food, not in that order. So basically you could say that I've had to deal with the public. Oh, ths stories I have. Actually, I have a lot of them in my archives in this blog. It's a miracle that not once have I ever told a customer off.

I am soooooo glad I don't have to do that anymore. It's like a weight has been lifted off my soul.  I think everyone should have a job dealing with the public before they are released into the real world. But that's not my problem anymore !

 Anyway, I am about to turn thirty and this is the first time I'm actually working in an office. (Long story, I've had to go back to school and then face a shitty economy) I've been getting assaulted by huge legal files. I got my first nasty paper cut on my finger by a thick legal file folder.

The other day a stapler snapped in half, the copier jammed and the printer laughs at me. It's always out of paper, running out of ink, and switching default printers on me.

And I think I am getting carpal tunnel syndrome.

It all reminds me of my favorite movie Office Space. Except that I don't have to sport any flair.

For starters, I am a stapler whore. I make sure I am never without one. I guess you could say that I am like this guy, but without the gut and glasses: (Don't worry, all the video clips are short)

My cube is even starting to look like that with all the files piling up !

Everyone has an annoying wench like this in their office ! I can totally identify with Milton. I love my cake and if some beezy like that tried to get me to part with my piece of cake, I would introduce her to a piece of my foot up her bloated ass:

And before I log off, this is what I fantasize about doing to our office machines:

Just think of that as my parting gift !

Besitos my loves !

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Why Women Give Up and Turn Lesbian........... Long and Hard Post Ahead !

Whassup my Bitches ???

Guess what ! Mama is back with another ad from Craigslist, where a man is looking for pussy female company.

 On Craigslist they have a section for Men Looking for Women, aka M4W which is supposed to be for dating/relationships. They also have Casual Encounters as well as Misc Romance (probably another word for pimps and ho's)

What I find amusing is that a lot of men ( many of them married) looking for simple fucking knowingly post their pleas for pussy ads in M4W because they think that the women in Casual Encounters are too casual. Basically, yeah they want to have casual sex, but they want consistent casual sex, so they think it's a step up to beg for sex post an ad in M4W. They really think that they are getting something better. It's like they think the girls will be prettier and smarter. I don't get it. Hello ?! It's Craigslist. No matter where you post on Craigslist, it doesn't get better period. They are all the same.

Anyway, I am rambling, but sadly this time I am not doing a "manslation". I am just doing a copy and paste from an ad that I found last month. It's not because I am lazy. It's because the ad is so damn long, that even if I did attempt to do one, you would probably stop reading midway.

Anyway, I definitely don't expect you to read the whole thing because it is long and not in a good way. But I made it through and was thoroughly amused. It me wonder what the hell was going through his head when he wrote it. Sometimes I wonder where guys come up with the stuff they write. Like why did he have to mention that he'd still love her if she got acne in wierd places,  or became bloated and gassy. He actually wrote that ! Good to know I could let the honk loose.

Anywhore, here you go my loves !

I know my Job!

Date: 2010-03-20, 9:26PM

I know my job and I own up to it, I learned the hard way - but I own up to it now. My job is to be decisive when you say "what do you want to do tonight?" My job is NOT to say, "I dunno, what do you want to do?" It is my job to say, "I would like to [verb here] to [insert place] and [activity here]. Yet, I must also know when you have your own idea and actually want me to say, "I don't know, what about you?" How should I know? That's my job as a man. I must know. I do know.

My job is to be ambitious in my career and make enough money that if we live
together and your career takes a turn for the worse - I would have the money
to afford to keep you fed and healthy AND sexy (we will talk about you being
sexy below).

My job is make you feel safe with me.I know when to be cool and aloof most
of the time when you are just engaged in friendly flirting. I have to NOT
feel threatened when guys stare at you, not be jealous when they flirt, not
be insecure when you flirt back, just relax and enjoy your happiness. Ok? I
figured it out. I know.

I am not jealous by nature so this job is easy. But the moment a guy
mistakes one of your signals (which happens because you don't quite realize
all the signals you give off) and starts trying to do something to you
against your will, I need to be ready to be incarcerated after I make him
sorry. That's fine. Hopefully it will never get that far and my sharp tongue will scare him off.

I agree to it every day when I put my pants on, or when we take a photo and
you have to lean into me (we know who is who). I don't lean into you. We
don't have photos of me sitting in your lap.

My job is to intuit, using my sexual psychic powers, when you need to be
objectified and fucked like an animal (yet still ensuring your orgasm) or
spanked or hair pulled, or more, and when you need gentle love like what you
saw in that romantic movie you watched. I need to also magically know when

you want it quick and urgent and when you want it to take all night. And
when you scream the very painful words "fuck me harder," even whilst I am
fucking as hard as I can and running out of breath, it is my job to find a
way to do it harder. Yes, it is tough, but it is my job, I accept it.

All the hours I spend at the gym will help me fuck harder when I am supposed
to. I work hard for you. And somehow, most of the time, I have to figure all
this out without anything but your body language and your subtle female
hints and the infamous girl code(I landed up living in a girl's house, so I
know all this and more. Crazy Stories.Tell you if we meet :) ). Fine, it may
not be easy, but I accept it and I do my best because this is how it works.

It is also my job to be funny and entertaining yet a little dark and
mysterious at times. Don't ask me how either. But, I can do it. You can't
teach that by the way. God forbid you should be able to figure me out

entirely. Your boredom means the end of good sex, orgasm and eventually the
relationship. Or it just means the beginning of the nagging and bitching,
which neither of us want.

I realize that. I accept that. I have to be your clown, yet keep your
respect. Get you to laugh at me, but not reduce my prowess in your eyes. It
is a fine line. It is my job to walk it and know how to keep mystery alive,
maintain your respect and awe of me as a man and at the same time make you
smile when you need it and keep things light when you get too lost in your

It is also my job to make you feel comfortable to express yourself to me, to
listen, to show you I care (without ever caring too much). I have to care
for you and show love without ever making you feel that I am more sensitive
than you, more emotional, more emotionally intelligent, sweeter or more
romantic. If I cross those lines, you will run from me and say I am too nice
 or just not feel complete because I am walking in your territory as a
woman. Again, that's fine with me. I know the line, I will walk on the right
side of it and I will accept responsibility when I screw up. I will be your
listener and still ignore you at the right time, or fuck you like a bar room
whore when I need to. I can figure out what to do when, or at least accept
that it is my job to figure that out. Call me a multi-tasker. I recognize
that sometimes you need to be told to shut up and put in your place or sent
to your room, but still left to feel like you can express yourself freely to
the guy (me) who loves you. No one taught me that. I had to figure it out.

And when you get into a car accident, and the guy you hit is yelling at you
and you call me on the cell phone, I need to be able to drop what I am doing
and effectively manage whatever tragedy has occurred. Sure, you can do it
yourself - you might even resent girls who are helpless in such situations -
I am not criticizing your skill set here at all. I am just saying that when
tragedy goes down, and [if] you are in need of help, I need to take care of
it. The relationship requires that I be able to stay calm and solve problems
when you can't. And you know you can smell fear in a man. If you catch the
slightest hint that I am just as intimidated by the tragedy as you are,
forget it, I will sit in your lap for the next photo. Of course there are
tragedies where you need to take charge - I will cover that in a few

The relationship requires that I be able to stay calm and solve problems
when you can't. And you know you can smell fear in a man. If you catch the
slightest hint that I am just as intimidated by the tragedy as you are,
forget it, I will sit in your lap for the next photo. Of course there are
tragedies where you need to take charge - I will cover that in a few
Now in exchange for me doing my job well and keeping our relationship alive
and well, you will have to do your part as well. If one of us fails to
perform his/her role, the arrangement crumbles and I become an asshole
and/or you become a nagging bitch. I know. I have seen it on TV, in the
grocery store on a Saturday morning, in restaurants etc... It's all around
us. All the couples fighting - where you can just feel their bitter energy
and you know they are doomed - that's why. One of them did not step up and
the relationship is crumbling. And you say, "no, maybe it was something
else." Perhaps. But most likely it is what I am talking about here.

Now you: There are many jobs for you. Your first and last job are the same.
The rest of the list is important too, but they don't work if you don't do
your first job first. Your first job is to be sexy in the way that you can
be. It is your job to discover your own natural sexiness, manifest it, AND
your job to figure out what I think is sexy. How do you normally attract
men? If you think it is by wearing your thong above your jeans so that
everyone can see it - then you are a moron. If you think it is getting
wasted at some club and making out with your best girl-friend while guys
cheer - you are an idiot. I have met you already, you bore me. I think you
need to pull your pants up, drink less, bathe more and try to be more
original than the Girls Gone Wild video that your former boyfriends got
boners watching.

I have heard girls get upset about this. They say, "it is not my job to be
sexy all the time," or "It is not my job to meet your definitions of sexy."
And I say, bullshit. Have you never stepped outside? Who raised you? It IS
your job. It may not be your job to be sexy ALL the time, but you better
believe it is your job to be sexy when you are around me, my friends, our
friends, and the neighbors. I am not saying you have to dress up, I am only
saying you need to figure out where/what and how to create your sexiness and
make sure I agree with it. Sure you can have your off-days where you don't
change your underwear until noon the following day, or you are bloated and
gassy and you just can not be sexy.

That's ok - I like girls who are real - I will still love you. I know you
fart and get acne in strange places sometimes and have all kinds of
biological processes that are esoteric to me - those things don't turn me
off either, afterall I like real girls. I just ask that you manage and
control the things that are in your control. But don't let me catch you
eating pork sticks everyday and then complain that your stomach hurts and
you have the runs for weeks.

You be sexy. Eat right, wear sexy underwear (which I will gladly buy for
you), comb your hair and as you dress in the morning DON'T ask yourself, 
"will this outfit make guys at the county fair want to jerk off on me? If
yes, then change and stop wearing shirts with your name airbrushed on them.
Ask something like, "Would this look turn my man off if I were giving him
head and he were looking at me." or "would my man be proud to walk with me
in this outfit?" This question will keep you from dressing like your
grandmother, a nun and the lonely lady you work with that, when she shows up
in the morning you look at her clothes or hair and murmur, "what is she
thinking? And she wonders why no men are attracted to her?" Don't be that
woman. You be sexy. Ask the right questions when dressing in the morning.

I want to love the sexy girl who will occasionally be ugly. Not the girl
with no taste who once in a while gets lucky and looks nice. Now, I don't
want to discourage girls who feel unsexy most of the time. In cases like
that - I just ask you to not book me on those days - lets have some away

And you need to be able to figure out when not to be sexy, like: when I am
sick in a hospital bed, incapacitated and unable to move, but only able to
see that some male interns and you are talking about my condition. At that
moment you need to be clinical and NOT sexy; when you are at the dentists
office and he is about to put you under (wear ugly stuff), when I am feeling

down on life and we go to a party - don't be hot, you are only going to get
me to sink lower. Just be nice looking or better yet, suggest that we cancel
and have some "us" time.

I can not tell you how to locate your inner sexiness - but I can offer you
some advice on how to avoid being unsexy.

Unsexy: always wearing a seamless sports bra, especially girls who dont play
any sports and have no athletic ability (unless complaing and nagging count.
I dont count them). Fine for sporting times or gym time, very sexy when
sweaty - I may grab you and want to get animalistic on you. But to wear them
on a day to day basis because they are comfy is to completely give up on
life, or to say "I have a boyfriend now, nothing matters anymore." You do
your job and stay sexy and I promise to work-out regularly, keep my
cholesterol low, dress well, pluck my ear hairs, get laser hair removal
whereever else, not leave you hanging when it is your turn to orgasm and not
to wear my dirty sweat pants. Just you keep your sports bra for work-out

Unsexy: Bras with big thick (wide) straps in the back or over the shoulders.
That's just weird. Ok, at times it is necessary, like when you are all
swollen up from breast feeding and you need more strap-strength to hold your
product in place. Or if you have a very large chest. But outside of that,
what is wrong with you? Under what assumption are you operating where you
concluded that the "nursing" look was sexy? Unless you want men to suckle
you in a child-rearing kind of way, wear something else - lace is nice.

Unsexy: photos of yourself cramming food in your mouth, or cookies or an
alcoholic beverage. Or photos with your mouth gaping open as if you are
wasted and screaming at a party. I am out here working out, staying in shape
and taking care of myself - for what? For you to cram cookies and beer into
your mouth, run around drunk with your jaw hanging open? and take photos?
No. We will not date.

Unsexy: Your growing gut. Pooch like Maya Rudolph - very hot. Gut like post
high school ex-jock? It is diet time.

Unsexy: yellow underwear. You wear it, you sleep on the couch. I don't want
to see it and I don't want it touching my laundry.

Unsexy: panties with little cutesy polka dots on them or any pattern that
looks like something a 4 yr old girl would wear at her pajama party. Save
those for when you feel puffy and bloated and want to snuggle with your
stuffed animals and eat chocolate ice cream.

Unsexy: Girls who are nutso about shaving and plucking. I know you don't
want your eyebrows to look like Santa's - but why remove them entirely and
then draw a line with a pencil? Are you my grandma? And your pubic hair is
not your enemy - starchy food is your enemy. Unless it actually makes you
physically uncomfortable - it is ok to have some pubic hair. Yes, porn has
become mainstream now - and all those chicks are shaved - but I don't want
the trash porn girl who fakes her orgasm or the Pamela Anderson wench, I
want you. And Pamela Anderson is ugly anyhow - why doesn't the whole world
know that? You be you.

Sexy: girls who take care of themselves physically and emotionally. Girls
who manage aspects of themselves that are in their control. Meaning, I don't
care if you are short, tall or medium, have huge breasts or no breasts,
brown hair or red hair, enormous feet or a funny nose - you have little
control over what you were given. So I don't judge those things. I just ask
you to take care of what is yours to take care of. Don't tell me that your
ass is fat because that is your body type - and then shovel lasagna down
your throat 3 days a week. We have a deal. I will do my part. You do yours.
Stay thin - meaning if you are 130 pounds - you need to stay around 125 to
135. I like slender girls or muscular or thin or thinner than average.
Slender does not equal thick. If you look like Minnie Driver or Kate Winslet
 then your excess weight is hot and I love it.

Your other jobs are very important as well. It is your job to nurture. If I
am down and not feeling so great, you need to be building me back up. You
need to be reading self-help books once in a while and see to it that we are
both emotionally balanced. You need to make sure that we both communicate
what is bothering us and all that stuff that you women want us to talk about
in relationships. I need that. Do your job, I respect it. And when I am not
feeling like such a man, you need to find it in yourself, even if you have
to fake it, to build me right back into the alpha male that I should be(I
believe a woman tests a man until his last day(lol), so you don't have to
worry about me being a Beta/wuss..World is full of wussbags..I AM not one)

Your job is to find it in yourself to want to do things that the last 3
decades told you were not women's work. You know - the huge double standard
 how you were taught that it isn't your job to do anything that your dad
expected your mom to do, yet you still expect me to open doors for you, fuck
you like the world is ending, be strong, buy you nice things when I can,
make money, jump in front of a bullet for you, provide security for you,
take initiative and make you feel safe. Well you don't get it both ways. I
told you I would do my job. You must do yours. Personally, I like to cook
and clean, do my own laundry and wash dishes and I am not asking you to do
ANYTHING for me. But if I need help in that area - you better put on an
apron and cook some food, or make the bed, or offer to make sandwiches on
rare occasions when my friends are over, or do some laundry or fold
something, sweep - whatever because you WANT to do it. Again, I am not
asking you to do those things, I will do them myself when they need doing. Your job is not to be my maid at
all, your job is to WANT to care for me in those ways and/or offer or just
jump in and help when I am doing it myself. I will help you too - but don't
refuse to do stuff because you feel offended because you learned in your
college class that men oppress women. Personally, I only know oppressed men
and frustrated women. Men afraid to be men and women who are frustrated with

But its harder than that. And you can blame your feminist aunt. You have to
figure out how to be all that while also being modern and knowing how to
hang with the guys. Don't ask me to explain that - I would not know how to
pull it off. But I have some touch jobs to do that I cant explain either.

You do that, and when the guy is shooting at us I will take the bullet. When
the bad man is attacking you, I will make him sorry. When you break your
leg, I will carry you to the hospital. When the heater doesn't work, I will
chop wood. But believe me, if you refuse to do your part you can walk
yourself to the hospital with a broken leg and bullet in your chest while
fleeing the bad guy - because I will have left you.

Your job is to be in charge of our morality. If we are at a dinner party and
I say something a little mean to someone and you notice it. It is your job
to pull me aside and say, "that was wrong - you go and apologize because you
hurt that persons feelings." I won't like it - but I will obey. You are
doing your job and I respect it. I will somehow find a way to go apologize.

You are in charge of our emotional health. Even if I say I am fine. When you
notice that I have some unresolved issue that I need to work on, I have to
listen and do whatever it takes - even if it means seeing a therapist or
counseling or reading some stupid book. You are in charge and you must find
a way to do this without ever being bossy or over-critical. How do you do
that? I don't know. It's a tough job and only you can do it. My job is not
easy either.

When we are having friends over for dinner and I say that it doesn't matter
if everyone has matching napkins and you say it does matter. You better
believe we will have matching napkins.

When I feel like not going to the new stupid shit museum and you think that
it is better than me sitting around the house on Saturday playing with my
computer - you better believe my ass will be going with you to the museum
and with a smile on my face.

You will also select my clothing when we shop. And I will obey, pay and wear
it - whether I like it or not. You will pick out my cologne, my soap, my
whatever, to meet your tastes.

Your job is to rule all of the things you can rule, by using my love for you
against me, by teaching me shame for wrong-doing, by communicating what is
in your heart - and whatever, without ever nagging, being a non-sexy bitch,
emasculating me or smothering me. It's a fine line - but you must walk it.
I will enforce my power by giving you verbal commands to which you will
obey. You will enforce your power by giving me the guilt/shame stare or the
silent resolute, refuse to look at me stance - both of which usually will
trump all my power. I respect your power, you respect mine.

If you are interested in your job as I am interested in mine - then please
write to me. State your height/weight and send a photo.

Random Dribble

Attention Everyone !

There is a very naughty monkey that has escaped its cage and is running loose.  Please, if you see him wandering around, let us know so we can teach him a lesson . That monkey needs to be spanked.

Okay, that was a lame joke. Enough of that......................

So I went to my Make Senorita Cry Like a Little Bitch class this morning at the buttcrack of dawn. It's usually just us chicks that are there. But today we had someone from the male species join us. He was buffed, but I noticed him struggling while we were kicking and holding our poses. I also saw him struggling with the abwork a little. All us girly girls could do the exercises no problem, but not this dude. And he wasn't old or handicapped.

I was amused. Is it wrong to say that watching a grown man struggle with simple kicking in an all-girls class warmed the cockles of my little dark heart ?

Speaking of those classes, a couple of weeks ago our instructor made us get on the floor to do abwork with our legs spread apart in the air................AGAIN. I couldn't help but smirk. The instructor looked down at me like I was crazy, and I dutifully pointed out that every time we did abwork, we had our legs wide open in the air, and I demonstrated for him. He is also a personal trainer and I mentioned that his training was becoming very personal.

Luckily he has a sense of humor, and said that if we think that's bad then we obviously don't remember the time he was doing those exercises in his shorts.

So my point is, is that lately we've been doing abwork with our legs more together. Thank God ! I am a lady, I'll have you know ! I was raised my whole life to keep 'em closed ! OMG those excerices this morning were so brutal !

So that is all for now my little turtle doves. Time for bed !

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Something I never forgot.

Hello My Little Sunflowers,

So this weekend has been busy. I've managed to occupy my time by going to dance class and going for a run. I ran about 5-6 miles and for most of it we ran real fast. I could tell that I was burning some serious calories because when I ran my ass got warm and I could feel it jiggle up and down while I ran. With that much movement and heat I better see some sort of results.

The weekends always go by so fast.


I remember when I was in Munich with my Austrian aunt for the weekend for a festival back in 2002. I think it was the 744th or 844th anniversary of Munich being a town or something like that. Whatever it was, it was definitely an excuse to drink beer and have people gather around.

That day we were tourists. Just wandering around the town and looking through department stores as well as the street fair. While we were walking around and old German woman bumped into us. Her hair was gray and braided around her head and she had cataracts. She definitely looked like a traditional German. Somehow she ended up talking to us while we were looking at carved wooden art or something like that. My aunt could barely understand what she was saying because her German dialect was very different from the Austrian dialect we are used to. But she talked to my aunt while I was trying to listen. She noticed that it was a beautiful day out, and I guess asked my aunt if we were having fun or something like that. Then she looked at both of us and told us to enjoy the good times while they last because you never know when it could get taken away from you.

Basically this woman had lived through the war and witnessed/experienced a lot in her life. It was like by looking at us she felt we were so naive, and wanted to share her wisdom with us. We probably looked so carefree. What would that be like for you if you witnessed catastrophe in your town, only for years later see people wandering around aimlessly and naively like nothing happened ? Like everything you've experienced is long forgotten, like it never happened but you're left with the scars ? I wonder what she did go through ? I don't know why she decided we were the people to tell that to. But her words were not lost on us. My aunt listened with respect and I was touched.

I guess I am naive. I was 22 at the time. I am now 29 but really ? What life experience do I really have ? I am really sad that people from her generation are dying off. It's like we are losing a link to history. I cringe at the thought of the generations to come and how they are being raised.

I am sure that woman is dust in the wind by now, but those words always stuck with me. When I was a child I thought I would never get older. I was a child just waiting until I turned 21 so I could move on and be a free adult. But now since that happened my life is passing me by so fast, and my Oma is gone, and my brother and cousins are no longer kids. My other grandma here in CA is still alive, but I no longer felt like I used to where I thought she would be around for a while.

Childhood events seem soooooo far away. Thinking about life when my parents were married almost feels like it never really happened. Things we used to do as children feel so far away that I almost forgot it happened. I guess that is good because it means I have more room for events in the future to come.

I don't know why I feel so sentimental this weekend. I guess it's because one of my friends is going through a difficult time in her life and I wish I could be there for her. I've invested a lot of time into the friendship and she may or may not even be around for much longer and may have to move. And it's only recently that I've really put myself out there to reach out to someone else and take a risk. I want nothing more than to have good frienships with people.

I've had friendships that have blown up in my face before where I've been backstabbed or we've simply lost contact and it hurt, but I wasn't as emotionally affected as I am now. I guess I am learning to put myself out there more and take risks.

Anyway, that is all for now my little yellow flowers.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Cutting Back

Hello There My Little Bunnies,

So, first of all I want to tell you all that I am thankful for all of you as my readers. I have been blogging since December of 2003. For the first five years, I was lucky if I ever had more than three comments. Just look through my archives. But I didn't care.  I wrote for me, and eventually when AOL shut down the blogs, and I moved to Blogger, I ended up getting more readers.

I don't write for anyone, and I write whatever I feel comes to mind. And I want to thank those of you that read my blog and those of you that leave comments or even lurk.

I am used to writing almost every day, but I just got hired, and I started my new job yesterday. I have been swamped lately and I just don't think I am going to be able to write as often as I would like.

I work in a law firm as a patent clerk, finally something in my field. I know that the economy sucks ass right now, but even though, none of this was through luck. I did not get lucky with this job. I didn't have any connections, I didn't know anyone that could help me, they found my resume and contacted me.  I can fully say that I earned it and that I am the best person for the job and I had wonderful references through my past internships. I've had luck before in life. Great things have happened to me that I didn't really earn. But this, I busted my ass for.

I have faced rejection non-stop for the past two and a half years. When I first started out, before I even went back to school, recruiters were rude to me and I could barely get people to talk to me or even give me advice on how to get into the field. I had to go back to school even though I had a bachelors. Luckily after I got my paralegal certificate last year, people started calling me and I did get a lot of interviews. At one point I had four interviews in one week, only to get rejected four times in a row. But at least it was nice rejection. I did well in most of the interviews and would make it to the second round, they usually just went with the other candidate. And I can say this because I've gotten compliments from the interviewing attorneys or the admins.

None of this came easy, and I had to work for free for two years by volunteering while I went to school and worked. I really enjoyed volunteering, and it was through that, that I gained the confidence to do well in interviews. And I gave back to the community. But even though I volunteered and had good grades, no one was giving me a chance.

Finally someone finally said yes.

Anyway, so my advice to anyone that is looking for a new job is to not get discouraged. I did get discouraged along the way and I would stop looking altogether. That is the worst thing you could do. It just brings you down further mentally and then on top of that, no one is calling because you didn't put out your information.

My biggest piece of advice is to not be afraid of rejection. You have to be okay with getting rejected and learn to move on. In fact, you need to just know that there is a job out there somewhere for you and you just have to find it. Because once I started thinking like that, things turned around. You have to think that tomorrow is another day and that anything could happen. Because it really can. And what have you done to prepare for that ? Once I started putting my information out there more and more, maybe things didn't happen, but I did get calls. Getting an interview even if it doesn't work out is better than no response at all.

If you are thinking my advice can suck it, and you've tried positive thinking and it blew up in your face because maybe you're unemployed and are tired of rejection after rejection, then I can understand that too. (It took me two and a half years to find an entry-level job in my field, a job that in a good economy would just require a high school education.) What I would then ask you is 1.) Do you like your line of work ?
 2.) Do you truly think you're qualified for the job you're applying for?
 Because if you can't stand your line of work, or if you are underqualified, then yes, positive thinking isn't enough. You will then need to change your line of work or invest some time in bettering yourself. And you have to invest that time. I knew that I would have to put in a solid couple of years in school and make a lot of sacrifices, but I got over it and did it, and it was totally worth it. And if you can't do that, then you're just going to have to have thick skin and not be afraid of rejection.

Okay, enough of me preaching.

I will still be posting and making my rounds on your blogs and leaving comments because you are all comment whores. Just not as often. I know that I may lose some readers, but I hope not.

Ciao for now, loves !

Besitos !

Say What ???

Hello My Little Babies,

So my former roommate is having a baby shower in a couple of weeks for his girlfriend. I swear, there must be something in the water since I will be attending 3 baby showers before June. I don't have that many friends, so three pregnancies is a lot in my world. Looks like I will be switching to soda.

Anyway, I went by his place since I still get some mail over there (even though I haven't lived there in 2 years) and he asked me if I was bringing someone.

At first I thought he was casually mentioning it, so I left it alone. But no, he kept asking, and said that I should bring someone with me to the babyshower. I asked " as in a date" and yes, he really is hoping I bring a guy to the babyshower.

Seriously ? Who does that ? I am very single at the moment. How in the hell does he expect me to pull this off ?

How desperate would that be if I asked a guy to accompany me to a baby shower ?

Sunday, April 4, 2010

What Does This Look Like To You ?!?!?!

Hello Loves,

Okay, so down to business. I need a you all to weigh in and tell me that I am not losing my effing mind. The picture below is the view directly from my apartment. If you walk into my living room, this is what you are staring at. This is how it looks during the day.

Below is what it looks like at night. When it's night time, the middle window below is the only one that lights up. No one else's window is lit. Not even with curtains. The whole front of the building is completely dark except for the window below. I think it's a hallway or a completely vacant apartment. But I think it's a hallway. But it looks like an old widow standing in front of the door about to open it.

A little closer........... At first this freaked me the fuck out. I was just sitting on the couch watching the traffic, and then when the streetlights went out, I saw that. The figure just stood there and wouldn't move. I've been here at my place for a few months, and I just noticed this. Of course, I stood there and waited for her to move or to turn around and drop the hood and show me her skeleton face, but no such thing happened.......YET. I stood there frozen for about 15 minutes focusing my eyes on one of the squares and the whole time she didn't budge an inch.

So I have come to the conclusion that this is an object and not a person nor a ghost. But what could this possibly be this shape in the dark ?

Please someone tell me.

Thank you !



Friday, April 2, 2010

Omg ! I gots me an OMB !!!

Hello There My Little Rose Petals,

So Sweet Britches nominated me for an award and I am stoked ! I love me some bloggy awards.

So in exchange for accepting this award for my awesomeness, I have to follow the rules below which I am copying and pasting from her blog:

1. Get really excited that you got the coolest award EVER. Done ! That wasn't hard since I am a total blog award whore.

2. Choose ONE of the following options for accepting the OMB! award:

(a) Get really drunk and blog for 15 minutes straight, stream-of-consciousness style. I've never even been really drunk before so NO.......

(b) Write about your most embarrassing moment. Not a chance. I could tell you about the time I accidentally farted in an interview in front of the managing attorney last year, but oh wait, I already did. The other moment that was way more mortifying than that is going with me to the grave.

(c) Write a "Soundtrack of your childhood" blog. No way, I can't write lyrics for shit.

(d) Make your next blog a "vlog", or video blog. No, I don't like how I sound, and I don't have a camera.

(e) Take a picture of yourself first thing in the morning, before you do anything else (makeup, brush hair, pee, etc.) and post it. Finally, something that is doable !! Yes !

3. Pass the award on to at least three, but preferably more, awesome bloggers like yourself. Don't forget to tell them (duh).

First things first. Below is the picture of me taken after I had just woken up. I hadn't even gotten out of bed yet. I am cheating, as this was taken a few years ago. But to make it up to you, I made a funny face !

So yeah, that quality sucks, but that is a good thing, cuz otherwise you'd be able clearly to see up my nose.

Anywhore, so now I get to choose three of my readers that I dare to accept the award and the challenge.

Let's see who I dare.................

1.) Mac who has got to be one of my perviest followers and he rides a Harley. Sometimes I think those go hand in hand.

2.) Ashleigh my friend in real life and on my blog. Without her, I would have no one to eat cake batter and frosting with.

3.) Illy who is a fabulous Sagittarius, and I would love to see what option she would chose and what she would say.

4.) *BONUS* Fireblossom. She is a new reader to my blog, and I love her attitude.

So that is all for now my loves ! Besitos !

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Downfall de Senorita

Hello There My Little Chocolate Covered Marshmallow Eggs,

Lemme just say that I LOVE Easter candy. Halloween candy sucks compared to Easter candy. Easter is where I think about Jesus and grow another ass. My weakness is the chocolate covered marshmallow eggs that come in the styrofoam carton in pastel colors. I found mine at Walmart for a buck. I was tempted to drop ten bucks, but I restrained myself. My other downfalls include, but are not limited to Peeps, malt chocolate balls in the milk carton, and marshmallows. Did I also mention that I LOVE the little Easter stuffed animals ?

You can blame my mother for that. While you're at it blame her mother too. We're Austrians and Austrians can't say no to sweets.

I thought that I was doing well yesterday. I ran four miles. My waist has been getting smaller, and I am slowly trying to get that hourglass figure back.

 But no, I had to undo all the good I did by eating all those chocolate covered eggs. Ah well, you live and you learn. The sugar high was good though, for about 20 minutes. Those eggs were good. Such soft marshmallow middle with a chocolate covering that just melted in my mouth.

You know what I am thankful for ? The high metabolism I used to have before I turned 26. I am thankful that I took advantage of it and ate tons of cake, frosting and ice cream while I could. Because I had a window of opportunity and I took it. And I didn't take it for granted.

Of course I have to be way more careful now, but that is okay. We all have to slow down sometime and I've had to learn. But I am getting better.

Okay, better get some sleep now.

Besos !