Thursday, April 29, 2010

Now, Don't Hold Back !

Dear Mr. Wanna-Be Executive,

We met at a networking event last night in the city. Granted, it was in a bar, but we were still business people there for the purpose of networking.

So when I asked you what you did for a living, as everyone was asking each other (way better than Hey, baby, you come here often?)  it was a valid question.

No need to tell me you don't want to make a big deal about it, conceal your "executive" position and company, yet let it slip out that you manage 80,000 people ( I think the more accurate number is 8, they probably don't even listen to you ).

I mean, take it easy, I didn't even think you were attractive (you wandered over to us), so clearly I didn't want anything from you, not even your money. I know, hard concept to grasp, but you'll figure it out.

But the moment that your douche-bag status was solidified in my brain was when you said that you are part "thought-leader" (WTF?), part director, part asshole. You were like "somebody has gotta do it, I am up at the crack of dawn managing people across the globe, blah blah blah........." I knew at that moment that you were a total pantywaste. **Note for the Ladies: When a man openly admits that he is an asshole, believe him.

I was so glad that you jetted away to use the bathroom. When you came back out, you made it a point to make eye contact with me, walk away and talk to a hot blonde and act like you were ignoring me. No hard feelings, little buddy, that smile I gave you wasn't me flirting and wishing for more. It was more like of relief that I didn't have to listen to you barf out gibberish from your obnoxious piehole.

And please no lawyer jokes or bashing my profession. For one, I am not a lawyer, and two, I've worked with great attorneys so yeah, while there may be scumbag attorneys, just keep in mind for every bad lawyer, there is a douchey wanna be executive.

But thanks for leaving us with your hot friend for discussion. He was a little bit of a douche too, but not as much as you and he was waaaay easier on the eyes.

No love,


Dear Guy Next To Me in Traffic,

Please keep in mind that there are people next to you on the road, especially during rush hour and long-ass traffic lights.

Therefore, I was able to get front row seating to you picking your nose in a traffic light. I hope it was crunchy enough for you. Perhaps you were hungry ? In that case, I hope it held you over until dinner time.




Charlene said...

I'm convinced that the reason people have cars with dark windows is because the do things in their cars they wouldn't want anyone to know.

You're no dummy about the pretention of the pretenders. Any person who has to brag about what or who they are, are not who they describe who they are. Truly interesting powerful people like to be unknown.

mac said...

I'm a doctor, I'm a lawyer. I'm an astronaut, a movie star. And I own this bar?
Stay away from the liars (as if you need me to tell you :-P)

Poor guy in traffic was merely hungry. You're right there.

Ily said...

Don't you hate it when they find out what you do for a living and then bash lawyers?? Like you, I know the stereotype (we ALL do), but like you, I want a little more originality and worthwhile conversation. Btw, that guy sounds more like full-time Mr. Asshole than anything else! I can't stand men like that.

Stacie's Madness said...

hahaha. when a guy tells you he's an asshole believe him...this is it.

thanks for your comments on my blog, if I have said before, i love you. I do. wanna make out?


Bathwater said...

I couldn't imagine managing 80,000 people. I'm sure he manages less or else he is VERY busy. I'd of suggest he get some people to manage them for him and then he could just manage the managers ;).

Kerrie said...

I am sure he manages to annoy 80,000 people on a daily basis.

As for the nose picker, it could have been worse.

MindyMom said...

Those blow-hard douchebaags are easy to spot, aren't they?

Can't believe people who pick like that - in public! EW!

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Lol. I've never heard of a booger diet before.

Just thinking about it makes me want to not eat ever again!

Danielle said...

Isn't it sad that you can't ask someone what they do for fear that they think we want to know how much money they make.
For me it is for conversation only!
The ego's on some people. Ugg

mac said...

And BTW,

I am the CEO of three different Fortune 100 companies.

Yes Ma'am!

Jimmy's Journal said...

The guy sounds like a jerk. For the most part, you can look at the average person at a bar, especially happy hour, and figure out who the assholes are.


dadshouse said...

Ha! I love the eye contact. And the "I'm an asshole and a thought leader". What girl wants to date a guy like that? Oh, I'm sure there are some. Funny post

* Ashleigh * said...

That guy was a douche with a capital D! Ugh annoying!

Fireblossom said...

All that stuff Mac said is true. I should know, I am his trophy wife. I went to Bryn Mawr. I haven't had any work done. I belong to every organization and charity there is. I'd love to stay and talk, but I have to start cranking out devil babies, er, I meant beautiful perfect children, now. See you at the country club!

Pesto Sauce said...

Mail these letters to the guys...some do deserve it

Anonymous said...

LOL. First impressions are lasting, and usually right. What a douche.

KrippledWarrior said...

You met a douche, a douche-under-instruction and a booger beating nose picker in one day?

Anonymous said...

Agreed. That guy was a douche. He had all tell-tale signs. Boo on him.

Riot Kitty said...

We're talking serious douchebag status...this is one of the reasons I no longer live in Silicon Valley! (That, and I can't get Happy Meal toys...just kidding ;)

MsH said...

Hello Señorita,

Thank you for going with me. I am sorry that the Kansas man with the ‘short man complex’ was obnoxious to you. I guess it is like the saying you need to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. Many mean, boring, egotistical ones and every now and then surprises arise – a nice person to exchange ideas and expand our world.

Besides I always have an easier time to weather the jerks surrounded by friends and family and being at that event with you made it fun – kinda like big girl stuff – going to The City!

I bet he doesn’t get that childish rush and wonder. As a child, the moment the plane landed in Logan airport, I could not wait to go to the beach at my Grandma’s. We would be driving south of Boston and I barely could contain myself because I knew I would get a big hug from the twinkling blue eyed Grandma then start “operation beach” as the waves where waiting for me, not to mention shells and warm sun. We would walk down the hill straight towards the views of Boston Light, up on the sea wall all the way to Nantasket Beach that stretched as far as I could see. Okay SF – business networking not quite the same, but still felt cool, especially an excuse to hang with a friend.

If anything I feel bad for that fellow as he seemed a bit jaded, perhaps hurt in the past, perhaps insecure, perhaps sick of business gatherings. Perhaps he figured we have nothing to offer, but hanky panky, and quickly figured out that was not on the menu! Again a bit sad that he thinks that talking to another human being is a waste of his time. The business world is so results driven that the human aspect of it is taken out.

Thus business social occasions are completely about what can be accomplished. He probably is a good businessperson.

Wild Boy said...

Glad u survived your douche head guy man did u get me laughing! Fabulous blog you have senorita..amma be coming back!

Red Shoes said...

I've had days when Ive felt like Ive managed 80,000 people... or have managed to avoid 80,000 people...

Dickwads... all of em...

Now, when you see some suave debonair guy in a grey pin-stripe suit wearing Red Chuck Taylors... then you may have something there... :oD