Dear Mr. Wanna-Be Executive,
We met at a networking event last night in the city. Granted, it was in a bar, but we were still business people there for the purpose of networking.
So when I asked you what you did for a living, as everyone was asking each other (way better than Hey, baby, you come here often?) it was a valid question.
No need to tell me you don't want to make a big deal about it, conceal your "executive" position and company, yet let it slip out that you manage 80,000 people ( I think the more accurate number is 8, they probably don't even listen to you ).
I mean, take it easy, I didn't even think you were attractive (you wandered over to us), so clearly I didn't want anything from you, not even your money. I know, hard concept to grasp, but you'll figure it out.
But the moment that your douche-bag status was solidified in my brain was when you said that you are part "thought-leader" (WTF?), part director, part asshole. You were like "somebody has gotta do it, I am up at the crack of dawn managing people across the globe, blah blah blah........." I knew at that moment that you were a total pantywaste. **Note for the Ladies: When a man openly admits that he is an asshole, believe him.
I was so glad that you jetted away to use the bathroom. When you came back out, you made it a point to make eye contact with me, walk away and talk to a hot blonde and act like you were ignoring me. No hard feelings, little buddy, that smile I gave you wasn't me flirting and wishing for more. It was more like of relief that I didn't have to listen to you barf out gibberish from your obnoxious piehole.
And please no lawyer jokes or bashing my profession. For one, I am not a lawyer, and two, I've worked with great attorneys so yeah, while there may be scumbag attorneys, just keep in mind for every bad lawyer, there is a douchey wanna be executive.
But thanks for leaving us with your hot friend for discussion. He was a little bit of a douche too, but not as much as you and he was waaaay easier on the eyes.
Dear Guy Next To Me in Traffic,
Please keep in mind that there are people next to you on the road, especially during rush hour and long-ass traffic lights.
Therefore, I was able to get front row seating to you picking your nose in a traffic light. I hope it was crunchy enough for you. Perhaps you were hungry ? In that case, I hope it held you over until dinner time.