Thursday, April 15, 2010

Open Letter Time !

Dear Twats in my Morning Work Out Class,

Please shut your pieholes during class, especially while we are exercising. I know that our membership fees are kinda expensive but that gives you no right to be disrespectful to the instructor. FYI, if you are busy yapping, you can't possibly be doing the workout right, because the whole point of the exercises are for us to feel the burn.

Besides, it is before dawn, I am tired as hell and cranky. The last thing I want to hear is you talking. I just want to sweat it out, get my ass kicked in class and go home.

Since you obviously aren't feeling the workout burn, how about I light a match under your ass instead ?

Two words: Common Courtesy. If that is not enough, I have four more for you: SHUT THE FUCK UP !



P.S: Just remember that if your gut and love handles are still parking themselves on your body it is probably because you 1.) Rarely come to class  (Which is fine with me)
                    2.) Chat with your Bestie and slack off  in the workouts.

Dear Woman In the Company Across The Hall: ( We all have to share a godforsaken bathroom on the same floor)

Whoever said that women don't shit or fart obviously hasn't met you. ( Or me, but this isn't about me) Some dumbass said it kills the fantasy. Well, honey if you are married I am sure there was no fantasy to even be killed. But you almost killed me today.

 Now I don't know what the Hell crawled up your ass, hibernated, died and rotted for eternity in your stomach, but I wish you hadn't let it out today.

What the fuck did you eat for lunch ! And WHY ??????

I don't ever think I can ever go back in that bathroom ever again. Your nasty stench singed the tiny little hairs in my nostrils. It must be biohazardous. And my brain won't let me forget it. Hours later and I still relive that bathroom nightmare. My coworker had a little laugh because I was gagging at my desk, and she thought I was gonna hurl.

Please tell me.....  What have I done to deserve this?  They say karma is a bitch, but what is it that I've done to deserve this ? And to whom ? Please tell me what I did and whom I offended and I will appologize promptly.




mac said...

Not only are they being disrespectful to the instructor, they are disrespecting you, and the money you had to work hard to earn so you could take the class.

I mean, you had to put up with that lady's stench, just to earn that buck. The least these chatty women could do is shut up and let you get the most out of your hard earned, by smelling foul fecal matter infested air, dollar.

So, yeah, they have a right to squander their money. But they do NOT have the right to squander yours.

Try rubbing a little Ben Gay on your upper lip. It might not make the stink go away, but it will clear your nostrils :-)

Big Mark 243 said...

I can't stand people who gripe during a exercise class. It is like they feel because of their membership, they have the right to ruin the experience for everyone.

You are right on about their love handles still resting above their waist. Porkers!! Most pigs do squeal when you take them to slaughter!!

I remember when I first got married... and to hear the noises and to catch the scent of what those noises produced DID take a lot of the mystery out of it for me. But what I now wonder is how do women get away with farting..? I mean, I still haven't caught one ripping a toot or walked into a 'back blast area'!!

JStar said...

GIRL....You had me laughing my head off....I needed it today :) Have a GREAT weekend!!!

Danielle said...

You crack me up! Poor thing!

Anonymous said...

Feel better baby? Now come sit down and let me fix you a bowl of etouffee. *muah*

dadshouse said...

Well, if that woman has to keep her legs and mouth shut during a workout, I imagine her farts would get bottled up and she'd have an explosive release later. You see, there is a tie-in between your workout requests to the class and instructor, and your worker neighbor's gastro-intestinal functionality. The universe is a bitch.

Anonymous said...

Don't hold back or anything.. Go get 'em! =P

Just telling it like it is said...

OMG...that would suck balls all the way around...not that my mouth hasn't been close to balls...(not nasty sweaty balls either) but I hate it when I am in my salsa dance and there is one chick that never stops talking...Hello I need to work my butt out so I can drink wine!! What was stinky thinking? So sorry!

Red Shoes said...

LOL.. I swear... lately I have so looked forward to each and every post of yours!!! You are getting better and better and better...

I was... er... in the restroom at school today... and the fellow occupying the stall next to me was talking on his cell phone... while pooping... and he would try to talk and strain... and it reflected in his voice... and I thought.. surely whoever he is talking to can tell he's taking a dump!!!!!

People... sheeshh....


Aurora said...

Try to go to a good sushi restaurant and eat a little bit of the wasabi paste. It'll clear your sinus cavities immediately!

Or... rub a little bit of Vick's VapoRub under your nostrils.
Or... smell some fresh unground coffee beans.

It's what we did in the emergency room when some homeless person who hadn't washed himself or his clothes for more than a month came in. Or someone had gangrene.

* Ashleigh * said...

Mark - girls do fart, they just do it while in motion aka crop dusting :)

I totally agree with you on both your open letters. I don't like the cliquey-ness of classes very much :/

Zsuzsi said...

Gahhh... it's so annoying when people can't stay quiet in the gym/the swimming pool/whererever it is you are trying to do your exercise...

Ily said...

Those chatty chicas ruin it for those of you who take your workouts seriously...and why the hell wake up so early if you're not going to take it seriously?? I don't get it!

Speaking of lighting a match under someone's ass, why not do it to the woman in your second letter?? That might air out the room a little!

Shadowdancer said...

Some women don't fart. It is a simple fact. They never keep their mouths shut long enough to build up the necessary back-pressure.

Deine Mutter said...

Holy cow my dear, haven't laughed so hard in a good long time. You need to either write a book or better yet, have your own reality talk show. It would be an instant hit - people would be glued to the TV....
Thanks for making my day. I can so relate to both stories.
(Kim chi, eggs, and dried fruit should NEVER be eaten in the same week... ;)
Love ya!

Shelly Rayedeane said...

lol at shoes.

My mom called me once while taking a dump on the phone.

I go, "You are not honestly taking a dump, are you?"

I couldn't fecking believe it batman!

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Senorita- The side bar video is awesome! I am finally at a computer today.

I am wondering how long it has been there because I can't see videos on my phone.

Anyways, thanks for adding it. That is kewl stuff.

Laury Ann said...

Hey! Just came across your blog...good stuff! It is so distracting to people that come to the gym to exercise, and not socialize. If they want to chat they should sit in the sauna! It's so disrespectful to the instructor...and the members! I feel yah!!