Sunday, October 25, 2015

Have you been drinking the kool aid ?

What's up my little Marshmallows ?

Happy Sunday ! I have been meaning to write you all for a while, but then I got addicted to court television. I have been watching bootlegged clips off You Tube for Judge Judy, Judge Mathis, and Judge Milian. I realize that these "judges" in reality are really arbitrators, and I know that they may not be following the letter of the law to a T, but that's not why I watch it. I watch it to see the judges' line of questioning. It is interesting to watch people not only be willing to put their private business on television, but also straight up lie to the judges. I always love it when they are caught in lies. If you take emotion out of the equation and rely mainly on logic, it really isn't so hard to catch someone in a lie.

So yeah, that is how I have been occupying my free time on weekends.

And what about you, my darlings ? I guess I have some catching up to do.

So last night I was watching Jonestown: Paradise Lost, on Netflix. For those of you that don't have Netflix, how could you miss out on something so cheap and entertaining ? Just kidding, if you don't have Netlix, you can find it on YouTube, aka YouBoob for free. Free is better than cheap !

Anyway, I am fairly certain you have heard about Jim Jones and his Jonestown cult, since that is where the term "drinking the kool-aid" originated. And for those of you who don't know, I was raised in a cult from about the age of 4 until I left for good at age 25.

Before I watched the documentary last night I really never read any of the Jonestown stories because it ended in a mass suicide/murder and I really hate reading about suicide.

But last night I decided to just watch it with an open mind, and while watching it I felt a little sick to my stomach. The reason I felt disturbed, because apart from the suicide/murders/sexual assault, my experience growing up was eerily similar.

And let's keep it real: I was lucky. I was never sexually assaulted, and we were never poisoned/medicated. I am also lucky because I got out. I was able to leave and start my life over at a young age.

Unfortunately cult stories are still misunderstood in society, because it is still taboo. If you are dealing with certain issues such as terminal illness or domestic violence, there are fundraisers for that, shelters, hospices, and people will rally around you and help you get better.

With cults, it is largely misunderstood, because people blame you for getting involved and don't understand the concept of vulnerability, mind control. combined with the desire to help others. Because I was there as a child and had no say in the matter, people are less judgmental towards me, but still look at me sideways and don't understand what I am talking about, and I get it. This isn't common in society, it is one of those things that exist in the underbelly of society, and still, no one really wants to talk about.

Anyway, while watching the documentary, I felt like I was reliving my childhood. I grew up in the Bay Area in California, and Jim Jones had his Temple there for years before moving to Guyana. Our cult leader had been trying to build an isolated commune for years, and it almost because became a reality in New Mexico, isolated from others.

Sharon Amos in the documentary reminded me very much of my own mother. Sharon Amos was married and had a child before joining the cult. She became one of the most zealous members, changed her name, and ended up killing her children. Her ex husband, although was not a part of the cult, tried to visit his only daughter. This was eerily similar to my situation. My mother was and still is a zealous member of the cult. To this day, my mother feels I betrayed her and has essentially turned her back on me. She has changed her name multiple times, and she basically stopped raising my brother and I when I was about 8 years old. Instead, she became a full-time, live-in servant for the cult leader. Before then she was a caring and wonderful mother. Since then, she has broken almost every promise she ever made to us, and would sell us out to the cultleader by any means necessary. I feel now it is best to just not even talk to her anymore, since there is no way I can tell her anything without her funneling information back into the group.

While I was in the cult, the cult leader and my mother really did a fine number on turning my brother and I against our father. My father used to be in the cult, but left when I was about 13. Once he left, he was allowed to see us, but only because he was paying child support and it was required by law. And my dad faithfully paid, but my mother took that money and gave it to the cult leader.

Watching the documentary brought back memories of my father trying to do the right thing for my brother and I, but instead getting ridiculed behind his back, and his attempts at getting us out were thwarted by my mother.

I am convinced that if the crazy cult leader asked my mom to do something crazy like move us out of the country, or have us die together, she would have. That is how committed to the cause she was, and still is.

What really gave me the creeps was watching Jim Jones talk to people. How he talked to people was pretty much exactly how our cult leader spoke to us. How he instructed his followers to answer to the media was pretty much exactly how we were instructed to talk to the press. It was always an "us vs. them" mentality. The whole world was against us, the classic battle of good vs. evil. We were the angels that were chosen to lead others into the path of God, while the rest of society needed guidance. Not only did they need guidance, but they were against us. I grew up thinking everyone that wasn't in the group was full of "bad" energy, including my own family, which resulted in consequences that has taken years to work through.

Anyway, I could write about this all day, but I am going to stop here for now and possibly write more later.

Huggles !

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Thrifting it

What's Up My Little Butterflies ?

Lately I have been hearing stories from my friends about dumpster diving, and all the treasures that can be found. Am I the only one that refuses to dig through a dumpster ? I used to as a kid to collect soda cans to recycle, and that was disgusting enough. Shop owners would see me, a ten year old in their dumpsters, and feel sorry for me, thinking I was starving. I was just trying to save enough money to buy a nice aquarium. I did have a nice aquarium for a while. It was fun while it lasted. I used to cut out magazine pages for the background, and every trip to the fish store was a huge deal for me.

But anywho, I have never dived in dumpsters for food, clothing or furniture. Now I won't knock it completely, because I know that many people have found success with it, and have furnished their entire apartments with dumpster finds.

Let's just say that any possible curiosity I had about dumpster diving for the stuff mentioned above, was killed three years ago when I had bedbugs.

Over three years ago, I found my first apartment, and was ready to live on my own for the first time in my life. Because accessing my place  with a truck was so diffcult, and mattresses are so expensive, the only other alternative was to buy the mattress from the previous tenant. She seemed like a sweet person, and the apartment was clean, and the apartment manager encouraged me to buy the mattress.

So, I bought the mattress. It took a couple of weeks for anything to happen, but then I slowly started to itch. It slowly got worse, and the itching got so bad that I had to find the source of the problem. I couldn't take it anymore. My instincts just led me to the bed, and I took off the sheets, of the bed, and got to the mattress which was bloody. I was starting to feel sick to my stomach, so I decided to flip the mattress over, and saw the large bedbugs sitting there, with a huge new litter of newly birthed bugs crawling around. At that moment, I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I started to hyperventilate.

I of course went to the managers/owners and they told me there was no way the previous tenant could have brought in bugs. They told me they could be anything, and I told them to see for themselves. They took some bugs to get tested, and voila ! I was right.

After that day, I refused to sleep in my place. I was so lucky that my friend took me in. I lasted a total of two weeks in my new place, and have since not lived alone in a place I could call my own. Of course the managers tried to insinuate that I had brought them bugs. I told them to just give me back my deposit and I would leave, and never mention anything. I just wanted to get out of there. I begged them to let me leave immediately, but they refused. They could not understand why I was so hysterical. I had to leave my stuff there until they could heat treat the place, which was another week.

Luckily they gave me my deposit back, and I got the fuck out of there. They could not understand why I wanted to move. Their reasoning was that since the problem was taken care of, I should just give them another chance, but that is not how bedbugs operate. They are hard to kill, and the psychological aspect of dealing with bedbugs is way worse than the physical aspect, and the physical part is torture too. I had over a hundred bites, that would not go away. It took three weeks and loads of Benadryl for things to calm down.

I was calm and polite, and gave the managers a chance to rectify the problem, and they did. I think at the end, we were both happy to get away from each other.

So the moral of my story, is DO NOT DUMPSTER DIVE !!!! I won't even buy furniture at Goodwill.

I will buy clothing at Goodwill, but I will wash it and dry it in high heat to kill any possible bugs. But furniture is such a gamble. Televisions can harbor roaches, and beds and dressers are a hiding p

After that experience, I got rid of over half of my belongings and vowed to become a minimalist. I now hate clutter, and don't really buy things unless I need them. I enjoy not owning a lot of things.

Anyway, I think that is all for now. I guess all of the talk of dumpster diving lately has made me go a little crazy and I had to share.

Ciaosies !

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

When You Are Depressed....................

1) Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, and second by second if you have to. If all you can do is shower and wash the dishes, that is okay. At least you did something.

2) When you are depressed, sometimes the motivational speeches will be of no help. Joel Osteen and Tony Robbins will tell you that you can just change your attitude magically, that you can simply choose to be happy. Just pray, just give it to God ! While it may be helpful and you can certainly do those things, the results won't be instantaneous. Don't beat yourself up if it takes a few days or weeks for things to get better.

3) I don't think the Law of Attraction is helpful to people with anxiety and depression. Because basically what you are telling that person, is that it's really their fault for feeling horrible. The Law of Attraction basically states that you reap what you manifest in your mind, and what you receive is a direct result of what you project in your mind. So if someone feels like shit and ends up not being able to get out of bed, that person brought it all upon him/herself. I think that is just full of shit.

First of all, though the Law of Attraction is a law and may have some validity to it, it is not the ONLY universal law out there. Not only that, but the Law of Attraction is kind of egotistical, it leads us to believe that we are the only ones in the world making decisions, and the actions of others have no effect on us, we are the center of the universe.

Though positive thinking can be helpful, and projecting good thoughts about your future is very healthy, things will come along in life that will fuck that up for you. Meaning things beyond your control happen. You could get into a car accident, or lose someone close to you, and you can't control these things with the power of positive thinking. Positive thinking may push you closer to your goal, but it doesn't allow you to have bad days.

4) The best way of getting over depression is to get through it, meaning accepting your feelings and feeling them. Being with your thoughts, examining them and acknowledging them, you are demonstrating that you are no longer afraid of those thoughts, and that is when the journey begins to get a little easier.

5) Many self help gurus will harp on positive thinking, they don't really get you to become one with your traumatizing thoughts. They want you to mask it, and pretend they don't exist. It is usually therapists that will make you explore your dark thoughts and get you to talk about them.

A motivational speaker will tell you that when you are experiencing depression or debilitating thoughts, that you should get up and do something. Tell yourself that you are not going to feel sad anymore, tell your depression to go away, and eventually it will. Or fight those feelings. Fighting feelings has always made me feel worse, and more of a failure. Once you fight feelings, they just get stronger.

Feelings don't go away just because you tell them to. They go away once you deal with them. and unfortunately, people in the self help industry that have a large following fail to mention this because it requires people to put in a lot of hard work and relive those emotions, and no one really wants to do that. People are so tired of their depression, the last thing they want to do is experience more of it, they want instant results, which is totally understandable, but it's not how it usually works.

6) Things sometimes have to get worse before they get better. No one will ever tell you that once you begin your journey in healing yourself that things get worse before they get better, Sometimes they get way worse, Could you imagine paying someone to help you, and instead of seeing results, you feel worse and take a couple of steps back ? No one will warn you of that. And I think this discourages people, and they just stop.

When I started to go on medication, I got way worse before I felt any relief. I lost my appetite for two weeks. I felt tired, and drunk, and miserable. But after two weeks of my body adjusting to the medication, I got my life back and started to feel better.

When I first went into therapy, I had to talk about things that I couldn't bring myself to talk about. I used to spend tons of hours crying on the couch. But eventually I got much better.

7) Depression is Cyclical. When you get better, you're not going to be feeling better forever. because you will go back to having bad days. So, when you have your bad days, don't be scared that you are falling into old patterns. The difference, is now you have better tools to help you navigate through your Depression, and can pick yourself up faster.

8) Some people say their depression was cured. That probably won't happen for you. You may feel better for a while, and may be using your tools to cope better. But depression is an addiction.

9) My personal belief is that drug addicts and depressed/anxious people have a lot of the same underlying feelings. When I started reading books on dealing with anxiety and depression, some of the best advice was in the books for addicts.

10) I am not an addict, but it is my personal belief that people become addicts when they don't know how to deal with their feelings in a healthy matter. If there weren't such a stigma against addicts, I think they could really help people dealing with depression. They are extreme examples of what happens when depression is not dealt with, and when feelings are suppressed for a long time.

That is all I have got for today. Till next time !

Sunday, August 9, 2015

My Strengths in the Kitchen.........

Hello My Little Appetizers...................

My grandmother once told me that the way into a man's heart is through his stomach. I am sure some of you are smirking right now and muttering under your breath "that isn't the only way", but let's just keep it PG today, okay ?

I am very lazy, but I am also shy in the kitchen and I don't like to cook for others. I only cook for close friends, and someone I am dating.  So here are some of the tricks up my sleeve, as cooking can be considered a mating dance.

1) Macaroni and cheese with hotdogs.
2) Chocolate chip cookies/brownies that will knock your socks off
3) Gratuitous, crispy grilled cheese sandwiches loaded with butter.
4) Tuna melt sandwhiches with crispy bacon.
5) Poached eggs
6) Strawberries and coconut whipped cream.

And last weekend, I added one more to my war chest....................

Korean BBQ Ribs............ I made this last weekend for the first time, and it was a success !

Eat your hearts out !!!!

Saturday, August 8, 2015

25 Facts/Stories About Moi

Well Hello My Little Dumplings !

What's happening ?

My latest hobby has been watching "how to" YouTube videos on cooking, makeup tips, and shopping. Not only is it free, but it has really helped me in my journey of eating healthier. It really blows that I can't eat all the sugar and carbs that I used to. Because I freaking love sugar and carbs, but I have to be extra careful because not only do those things make me feel depressed, but it makes me look knocked up. If weight were the only issue at hand, I would just work out more, but feeling like shit and wanting to cry is no longer worth the few minutes of pleasure and nostalgia I experience when eating my favorite desserts.

Anywhooters, the latest trend is for vloggers to discuss 50 facts about themselves, but I will just keep it to 25. I really don't like to film myself. I don't like the sound of my voice, so I wouldn't force someone else to listen to it, but also I would end up doing something totally inappropriate on camera like thrusting the air, or pretending to hump furniture. Once I release that into the Interwebz, it's out there forever, and what if I decide to run for office some day ? Or what if I decide to become a spiritual leader and become an important public figure ? If people are going to look up to me for spiritual and moral guidance, they don't need to see my pelvis. What kind of example would I be setting ? Exactly..............

So I will just blog about my random 25 facts. Normally you are supposed to tag people to take this challenge, but I do not believe in tagging others, I think it's one way to lose friends. So, here are my fifty things, and I will try to make it snappy !

1) I used to be strictly a dog person, but I have since discovered kitties and now I am bipetual.

2) I hate squash, eggplant, kidneys, and liver. The texture is the worst of all.

3) I have never purchased my own television before, I have always lived in places with a TV.

4) I have also never purchased furniture of my own before. Actually, I did purchase a bed once when I rented an apartment, because it was already there. And it had bedbugs. That was three years ago, and I am still traumatized.

5) When I had bedbugs, it took two weeks to discover the source of my itching, and three weeks to get over the horrible bites that were all over my body once I discovered them (I counted about 100). The psychological drama of it is the worst, and you are lucky if you get over it after a couple of years. Plus no one wants to be near you.

6) I don't like to own a lot of things. I am kind of a minimalist.

7) I don't really like owning real jewelry unless it's inherited or an engagement/wedding piece.

8) I love to collect handbags, some from the store, but most from Goodwill. Because I love to purchase them so cheaply, I don't wear them for long, and usually end up giving them away or donating them back. I love rotating through them quickly.

9) I love coloring. I recently bought coloring books and crayons.

10) I won't color with anything else but Crayola.

11) I once went skydiving, but I would never even consider bungee jumping.

12) I have seen psychics and tarot card readers in the past based on recommendations from close family and friends. They raved how accurate the reader was. As for me, they were about 50% right and 50% wrong, which means that no one has accurately predicted anything for me in my future.

I take that back, I did talk to one woman a few years back who gave me the best advice of all: It's a reading based on the energy I am putting out at the moment, and she could be right or wrong in her predictions. She could tell me I could meet the man of my dreams, and it would still never happen and vice versa. Basically, it is still just a guess on my energy field at the moment, which is always changeable. I have since focused on just working towards my goals and letting the chips fall where they may.

13) I get told that I am way too sensitive. Sometimes I am told that I am way too nice, and I need to toughen up. I disagree. Some of the people I look up to most are extremely kind and empathetic and I strive to be like that, especially since they seem happier in general. I would rather be sensitive and have a heart, rather than have a tough exterior.

14) I love bacon, but I don't like eating pork chops. I was raised against pork, and although I eat a little, I stay away from larger pieces of pork.

15) In dating, I don't believe in "the nice guy". The "nice guy" ends up being the worst of all, sort of like a wolf in harmless sheep's clothing. I believe in a man with manners, a kind man, but the one that tells me that "he is just a nice guy" and "women only go for the bad boys" is one that tends to lack self confidence and feels that women owe him for any nice gesture he throws their way.

16) I once tried a past life regression and it didn't work for me.

17) I don't like the division that political parties creates in this country. I really don't identify with any one particular party. I have a lot of beliefs from both sides, and it is so difficult to relate to once candidate in particular.

18) I once went out with a guy who ended up trying to convert me into a Scientologist. That makes for good blog fodder. Some of the things he told me, I don't think I could even repeat.

19) I also once dated a guy who wanted to take me to the movies, give me flowers and a stuffed animal. And by flowers, a movie and a stuffed animal, I mean, he tried sneaking me into the theater via the exit, and plucked a flower for me out of the flower bed. Did I also mention that he gave me a stuffed animal he swiped from one of his nieces ? (I would bet that it was probably one that he gave to his ex girlfriends, probably even a current one).

After our "date" he tried making out with me in the parking lot. I don't think he understood why I never returned any of his calls. Thank God, this was over a decade ago and I have learned a few things since then.

20) My first job was at a drive-thru at Jack-In-The-Box.

21) I used to rent cars for a living at Enterprise Rent A Car. So many good stories from that gig.

22) When I rented cars, we were required to wash cars in our nice dress clothes. Creepy men would stand there while us ladies washed the cars. One of the most interesting things I found in one of our cars was forceps and a garbage bag. My boss wanted to call him and tell him that we found his "vag opener".

23) Of course, when you rent cars you will find the occasional sex toys and porn people leave behind. One genius left her dildo behind and we called her to tell her she left it behind and it was in our lost and found. She never called us back or swung by to pick it up. I wonder why ?

24) I once worked the night shift at a hotel desk for a few months. It was a good job, but a customer did manage to steal the cash drawer while he lured me away to check on a car. I also once had a guy invite me back to his room "just to talk". He promised he wouldn't cut me up and leave me by the river. How sweet and thoughtful, right ?

25) When I rented cars, my boss, word for word, would make me ask " Were you completely satisfied with my service?" I had to stand there and say this to grown men who would end up smirking, blushing or turning red. I could barely keep a straight face myself. Bosses can sure be assholes sometimes.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Ten Things Depressed People Should Know

1) Do not get discouraged. This is a very long and arduous journey that you most likely will have for the rest of your life.

2) You are allowed to have bad days, and you will. When that happens, just call it a day and go watch a movie or relax if you can. Remember that there are only 24 hours in a day.

3) When you are feeling like shit, just remember that a good moment is around the corner. You typically won't continuously feel like shit without spurts of good moments and days.

4) Try not to take medication without therapy.

5) Slow progress is still progress. I used to get so discouraged, but realized later that I will take any progress I get. It adds up over time. And before you know it, you will realize that you have come a long way.

6) Feelings are not facts. When you feel like shit, or feel like you are worthless, know that is just your mind talking, and you are not your mind. There are no facts. Let the thoughts run in one side part of your brain and out of the other.

7) When you are feeling happy, and having a good day, be thankful and enjoy it. Do not question it.

8) Nutrition is extremely important. Adding supplements and more vegetables to my diet has been helpful. So has cutting down on my sugar and breads.

9) When people tell you that something cured their depression instantly, take it with a grain of salt. I think depression is like an addiction. It gets better and maybe becomes dormant, but it's always there and ready to wreak havoc in your life if you're not careful.

10) Be open to suggestions and explore different options to ease your depression, but remember that no one person or thing has all of the answers for you. Rely on yourself and your intuition in getting better. 

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Yep, We Were Weird

Hello My Little Followers,

Miss me ?

Been a while since I've blogged about my cult experience. Since today is Throwback Thursday, I decided I would go back in time, and talk about some of our strange beliefs we were forcefed. Here are ten of them in no particular order. And of course, I have way more, but I don't have all day, so here they are.......

1) Cats are bad energy. Dogs are good energy, so are lions and tigers, but the domesticated house cat was evil. If you liked cats, you had to keep that to yourself.

2) Whistling was bad energy, and so was blowing out candles on a birthday cake. Basically, the mouth was considered a source of evil  (Read the Bible talking about the evil tongue). So if you had a birthday cake with candles, you had to punch them out. I hated it. I hated that I had to work for my cake on my birthday.

3) We were not allowed to listen to the radio. The radio was bad energy too. We couldn't listen to music in the house, it was absolute silence. We also had to play The Grand Cuntress' tapes of chanting. So basically if we wanted music, we had to listen to her chanting. Over and over and over.

4) TV was strictly forbidden too.

5) When we came home, we had to take off our shoes, bow to her picture, and announce ourselves out loud.

6) We were not allowed furniture, and we had to share bedrooms. There were 5 people in a master bedroom, or two people in a small room. If you didn't like someone, that's who you got paired up with. We slept on the floor in sleeping bags.

7) I was not allowed to receive mail at the house. If I had to get mail, I was had to receive it at the martial arts school we trained at. We were also not allowed to ever give out our phone number to the house before cell phones were common.

8) We were not allowed to have butter, milk or coffee in the house.

9) You had to write a journal once a week, preferably every day detailing our most intimate secrets. Were we horny ? Did we have a crush on someone ? Did we want to talk about traumatic experiences from the past ? Did we have weird fantasies ? She wanted to know it all. Every sordid detail.

10) We had house meetings every couple of weeks, discussing new house rules, events, meetings, or any complaints. A lot of those meetings were used for bitching at each other.

That's all for now,

Hugs and shimmies !

Sunday, July 26, 2015

3-Ingredient Pancakes You Need To Try

Hello there My Little Sweet Treats,

I have had to make major changes to my eating habits since I passed thirty, but I am also a very lazy cook. I am simple minded, and I refuse to drop a ton of money on kitchen gadgets beyond a mixer and blender.

Not only that, but I really don't like all the prep and clean up involved in creating a dish. In other words, just be happy that you aren't married to me, okay ? Because I am cheap, fast and easy..... In the kitchen that is..........

So when I found the recipe below for these pancakes, I was totally tingly in my pants. I was a little skeptical, but I made them and was totally blown away. I loved them ! I did add a little bit of almond flour to thicken up the mix a little. But it was cheap, fast, easy and healthy ! I did add a lot of butter on it, and next time I will try it with honey.

Remind me next time to blog about poaching eggs in under two minutes with just a microwave and a ramiken (Is that how it's spelled ? Oh, who cares).......

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

My Qualities......................

"I have three great qualities.............. I am hot AND I am smart".--
                                                                                              - Kelso, That Seventies Show

Monday, July 20, 2015

Am I the Only One ?

Am I the Only One...................

1) That is not shocked that Bill Cosby had a squeaky clean image and got away with rapes and extramarital affairs for so long, even after people stepped forward ?

2) That wonders what fellow church goers were doing the night before they showed up for the morning service ? Were they at the club ? Snorting coke ? Cooking dinner with their families ?

3) That is not shocked that the people with the cleanest images hide some of the most interesting secrets ?

4) That is suspicious of charities and think that the majority of funds don't actually go to the real cause ?

5) That wonders how screwed up my therapist is ? Is my therapist more screwed up than me ? Does she even take her own advice ?

6) That thinks the majority of life coaches I see are full of shit ? Do they even have their lives together?

7) That thinks that the majority of people that flash their wealth are probably on the verge of bankruptcy ?

8) That wonders if I am a Negative Nancy, or am I a realist ?

9) That wonders how I ever thought I had the answers to life in my twenties, and if I will ever get my shit together ?

10) That reads heated debates about international events (ie Israel, Palestine, etc...) on Facebook or the news and wonder how the hell anyone can really know anything if they don't live there and live it first hand ?

Can any of you relate ? Or am I really just the only one ?

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Candy and Coloring Book

Hello my little Sunshine Rays,

I recently heard some adults are turning to coloring to relieve stress and combat depression. It sure beats eating your way out of your pants and into self-hatred, right.

So today I stopped at CVS and found a coloring book, and not just any coloring book, but Lisa Frank. I freaking love Lisa Frank, she was THE sticker and coloring book Goddess of when I was in grade school.

Anyway, it was only a buck, and then I got my favorite crayons to match. Crayolas. The smell brings me right back to my childhood when I got Crayolas for Christmas. I won't touch any other brand of crayons, everything smells like cheap wax, which is hilarious, considering I am not really loyal to any brand in particular of any other product. Just crayons.

You know what also brings me back to the Eighties ? Starburst candies and Juicy Fruit gum. Recently a coworker brought Starburst to work, and I have been hoarding them. I eventually had to go buy more and replace them. But they are really juicy. I could tell you a story about how I stole a whole bag of Starburst from my teacher right under his nose in gradeschool. I ate them and everything right in front of him and he didn't notice. Then he turned around and noticed they disappeared and frantically searched for them and I sat there and watched in silence.

So anyway, back to today at CVS, I found Juicy Fruit gum infused with Strawberry Starburst flavor. I thought I had hit the memory jackpot !

Turns out, it was kind of a disappointment, and I went back to chewing the regular Juicy Fruit.

So yeah, coloring books, crayons and candy. And how are you doing ?

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Have you Climbed your Family Tree ?

Hello There My Little Gum Drops !

It's Le Weekend...... Are you enjoying yours ?

Have you ever wondered about your family background ? I get a mixed reaction out of people when I ask that questions. Some people want all the information they can get their hands on and spend lifetimes seeking it, while others don't really have much interest.

I want to know where my family has come from, and I have been lucky in getting that information for the most part. My mother's side is all from Austria, and I have been in contact with them and visited the land of Mozart numerous times. My grandmother, aka Oma, didn't speak English which forced me to learn German, since my mother didn't teach me.

My father's side is American. His parents were born here in the US, and his mother's side is American with roots that date back to this country and Canada for a couple of hundred years, and I have been lucky that my grandmother has been able to tell me a lot about her side of the family, and luckily it has been easy to trace through She is now in her nineties and her mother lived to be 102, so I have been fortunate to hear stories from both of them, and that long life is in our bloodline.

It is the family of my father's father that has been a mystery. Meaning, I have been told little tidbits of information here and there, and while some of it is consistent, I have not been able to verify really anything on or Ellis Island.

Growing up I have heard that my great-grandparents immigrated to this country through Ellis Island. However, when I looked through the database, their names and any variations of it could not be found. That was 6 years ago, and luckily my brother finally found the ship that they arrived on, but not much more. I guess that is a good starting point, which I should continue to follow-up on.

My father's sister has been very instrumental in providing me information to follow up on. She handed me down a lot of letters my great-grandmother used to write as well as correspondence between family members. A favorite past time of mine used to be googling their addresses to see where they lived and the surrounding areas via Google Maps.

I had two addresses for my great-grandparents, yet when I typed them in neither of the places existed anymore. One addresses was newer apartments, while the other address was an empty lot. It kind of broke my heart a little. You hear stories from your family without being able to verify anything, not even the last places they spent the rest of their lives.

A couple of weeks ago, my Aunt sent me an old picture of my great-grandma Paulina from Russia, probably one of the last pictures taken of her. Paulina and Morris did not have easy lives. They really embodied the immigrant experience of the turn of the century. Their family was run out of Russia for being Jewish, and some landed in Europe, while others like my great-grandparents ended up in the United States. They had five children and worked very hard. I wish I could say that they were a loving family and that their hard work paid off and that they were able to retire comfortably, but that wasn't really the case. They struggled until the very end of their lives. But what they did do was get out of a country that didn't want them anymore, and they survived. Sometimes that is all we can do, and we are lucky for it, even if that's all we end up doing.

From the stories I have heard, she was a little abrasive and feisty, a real ball-buster. She wore the pants in the family and really rode my great-grandpa hard. There really isn't anything warm and fuzzy to say, but she was a survivor.

I think I may have inherited some of her feistiness.

Like I mentioned earlier, while they ended up here in the US, others ended up in Europe. I recently met my distant cousins in France, and it really is fascinating what you can find with a little research. And thank goodness for social media to keep us all in contact.

Anyway, here is her picture below, it's funny, I tend to cross my arms the same way.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Happy Fourth

Happy Fourth my Lovelies !!!

'Merica ! Bald Eagles and shit !

I slept in, watched Sex and the City reruns and cuddled with the dog. He was very cuddly. Tonight I will hopefully enjoying booze and fireworks.

I don't know how I will return this dog to his owner when he comes back. I have fallen in love with this dog. It is hard for me to break down and get a pet of my own because I know how attached I can get, and I am really to afraid to lose my own pet. It's a little less hard when that pet that you love belongs to someone else. That way in case anything happens, I can just think that the pet is still with it's owner and I just haven't seen it in a while.

I know, I am have issues........................

But on the other hand, I have come to the point in life where it is time to settle down a little bit, and I should start with a pet. I feel like a gypsy at heart. I have never lived in one place for more than four years, and the last time, I lived in one place for four years was twenty years ago. Not settling down reminds me of when I was in my twenties and had my whole life ahead of me. Settling down reminds me that I am getting older and that I don't have all of the time in the world, and it's running out and before you know it, I will old and gray.

But as I am getting older, I find it more difficult to live life without animal company. The desire for a furry friend just won't go away.

Okay, enough for now.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Rainbow Related Questions

Well Happy Fourth Weekend to you my Loves,

How are you ? I am thankful that I have today off for the Fourth of July weekend and I am dogsitting. It's always nice to wake up to a pet in your bed. Especially a cuddly pet.

I keep hearing the term "crossing over to the rainbow bridge" in relation to a cat's passing. I don't really hear that term used for a dog. So will someone please explain why it seems that cats have the exclusive use of the term ?

So this last week was monumental in that the Supreme Court of the United States ruled same-sex marriage is now legal in all 50 states. I truly never thought this day would ever come in my life-time.

I have a strictly-legal question regarding the same-sex ruling. Back around 2008, I took an American Law class, and my professor said that cases regarding same-sex marriage will never reach the US Supreme Court because marriage was not discussed in the US Constitution, and therefore relegated to the states. He said that each state will have separate authority as to whether same-sex marriage will be allowed in their state, but because it is strictly a state issue, it will never reach the Supreme Court.

So when I read that the above subject not only reached the Supreme Court, but was actually heard and ruled upon, I was shocked.

I guess I will google the shit out of the above questions later for further clarification, but I was wondering if any of you lovely readers ever wondered the same.

Growing up in a cult with religious beliefs, I was raised that homosexuality was a sin. And I truly believed it. Of course I never really was outspoken about it (Thank GOD) but it was a firm belief of mine.

I mean, honestly, I came from an environment where mental illness didn't exist, I wasn't allowed to watch TV or listen to the radio, you were punished for masturbation, humiliated for watching porn, and oral sex was considered a crime against the Universe (seriously). With those guidelines, where do you think homosexuality would rank ? My point exactly.

Moving out of a communal environment to going to college and living in the dorms and then living abroad in Spain for the next year, helped transition me out of those beliefs. It started with me accepting that I had depression.

Once I could put that label on what I was feeling, I could feel more compassion for others. I lived a lifestyle different from mainstream society in a cult. People always looked at us as freaks. It was so awkward growing up to know that the neighbors were always watching us and ready to report us for any little violation. Someone even decided to call Child Protective Services on us, and the school knew about our business. I felt isolated and laughed at. Who I was I to judge someone for going against the grain, so to speak ?

I am not saying this to compare my life to that of the GLBT community, because I don't know what it is like, I just got a taste of my own medicine, and I believe in kindness and compassion.

Anyway, that is all for now.

Besitos :)

Sunday, June 28, 2015


What's up my little tulips ?

Happy Weekend :)

So what is new ? This time of year is the worst here in South Florida. If you hate the words, "damp" and "moist", you'll hate summers here. It is hotter than the She-Devil's boob sweat. There are a lot of pluses of living here, but summer is not one of them. This heat causes people to lose their damn minds, and not only a the people incompetent on the road, but road rage is real. Back in CA, people do flip eachother off on the roads. Here in South Florida, I really almost never see it, people not only .have tinted windows, making it harder to see the offender, but a lot of people pack heat down here 

As you know, I battle depression, and though I take medication, I still have days where I want to hibernate into a hole and shut the world out, like yesterday, for example. Getting up in the mornings is truly a battle, and cleaning up my clutter seems like an unbearable task.

Anyone that has depression knows really well how much of an uphill battle it is. Not only is the medical field lacking in services, but it is still taboo to the public, even though there has been improvement lately. There is still a long way to go.

Growing up in a cult, based on religion, spirituality with an extra serving of narcissism, mental conditions simply did not exist. Instead, they were "energy problems". No way we could be struggling with depression, we simply weren't meditating enough or chanting or thinking about our supreme Grand Mistress enough. If we simply were more dedicated to her teachings, I would feel better.

It didn't even begin to cross my mind that I had depression until I moved away to college. In college, one day my body completely shut down and I couldn't even eat food or sleep properly, I would throw up everything I ate, and I couldn't sleep. I also wanted to cry all the time. I didn't have a mental breakdown where I lost my shit on people or yelled at them. I didn't shave my head in public or act irrationally, I was still very polite and articulate, but I think most of the public equates mental illness with batshit crazy antics. I know I did until I understood my condition better.

Anyway, I went to the student counselor and they let me get a medical drop and prescribed me medication. I had to see the school psychiatrist, and really disliked him. I just wanted some compassion, and zero shits were given. He wrote me a prescription I never used because I didn't believe I really had a medical condition. As far as I could see, some asshole hired by the school decided I had anxiety and depression by reading a book in front of me and sent me on my merry way.

I just went home for a week. I called Grand Mistress and told her I was suffering, and she let me stay with her for a week. Luckily she was kind to me, and she talked it out with me. Once in a blue moon she would let me stay with her during my darkest hours, but later down the road she would always lord that fact over my head and call me ungrateful when I didn't agree with something she said.

Living under her thumb was like a charming person punching you in the face, but also administering ice to your wound and telling you how much they want you to get better. So later down the road when you are better, they tell people that they were the only person there for you when no one else was. That she offered her place to me and fed me and look how I repaid her ! She was there for me when I was suicidal for crying out loud ! She would actually tell this to people.

But what she doesn't tell people, is that I was really never suicidal and didn't want to harm myself. She pretty much lied about that. She created an isolating environment while I was growing up, which fostered anxiety and depression. My family and friends would have offered me support, but my mother was devoted to caring for her fulltime and stopped raising me after I turned nine and my father was turned against me. My family was never really allowed to see me, as it was made very difficult. I was also not allowed to have friends in school. So yes, all of my resources were taken away, so when things got really bad to where I could barely function The Krazy Korean would talk to me on the phone or take me shopping or make me feel better. So when I felt better, she would tell everyone what she did. and everyone else would tell me how lucky and spoiled I am.

I left that environment when I was almost 26, and I didn't actually admit to having depression until I was 27 and seeing a psychiatrist for clearance for government position to carry a gun. In addition to all of the physical and health tests I had to go through, I also had to get mental health screening. That was a blessing for me because the psychiatrist was very compassionate and told me that my symptoms were normal for someone that lived in the environment he did. He counseled veterans from the Iraq war, and said my symptoms were very similar to those people, He warned that I would need treatment to live a happier and more successful life.

I accepted what he said, but I still didn't have the guts to seek out a therapist and psychiatrist to prescribe meds.

In fact, I didn't see a psychologist and psychiatrist for another 3 years.

And then when I took my first prescribed medication, I had horrible results, so I went off of that a year later after becoming a zombie, and went through two more years of life without medication and horrible symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Let's not forget that just when you think you have found the right therapist, things can happen to screw that up such as your health plan gets cancelled or,  you have a disagreement with your therapist.

My point is, that anyone who decides to open up about their mental illness battles has a long and upward battle to conquer, where sometimes things have to get way worse to get better, and when things do get better that the progress comes very slowly.

And it is all worth it, because the alternative is so much worse.

So next time you hear about someone you love who is in denial about their condition, please have compassion and understand that they truly may not see what you are seeing.

The next time someone you know is crying or just seems like a hot mess in general, please have compassion.

Also, on the flip side, I am more understanding of people that tell me to think happy thoughts or tell me how I should just get over this condition. As annoying as it can be, it is usually with good intentions, and I used to be one of those people until I had to deal with this myself. It's kinda funny how life works sometimes, doesn't it ?

I am a very sensitive person, and in my relationships I have always been told that I take things way too personally, and maybe I do. However, I am willing to own that because I also can understand pain and suffering and I am less likely to judge someone than I used to be growing up.

Anywhooters, that is all for now, Off to go try and clean my room and/or go shopping.

Besitos !

Tuesday, June 16, 2015


Hello Kittens !

Happy Titty Tuesday ! How are you ? Miss me ?

I am still dogsitting. Speaking of which, the dog stinks and I need to give him a bath. I really do. He is cute but I like giving baths as much as he likes receiving them. Mutual contempt, lol.


I usually don't like to talk about politics and things being reported in the media, because I really don't identify with any political party in particular. I take what I like from each party and leave what I don't like, and come up with my own party, where everyone is free to drink. Which means, I just keep my thoughts to myself and listen to the opinions of others.

Except today. Today I am just gonna come out and say that most of our news is total bullshit. I can't take it anymore. Not only is the media incredibly biased in both directions and full of advertisements, but I am so tired of what is being reported.

Today I saw three things in the media that I wish would just go away:

1) Donald Trump is running for president and this time he is serious. Isn't the government bought out enough ? I respect his success in business, but he has been portrayed as a total asshole on reality TV. Is this what the US has gotten to ? A reality TV star running our country ? Will he keep that merkin on his head at the inaugural ball ?

2) Caitlyn Jenner and the Kardashian clan. I am all for people becoming who they want to be if that will take away their pain. I was born a woman, and I love being a woman. I can't imagine what it must be like to feel trapped in my own body. For that reason, I support people that want to change who they are. It is their business and their life.

What is ridiculous is all the media and his upcoming TV show, and making his business our business. Actually calling Jenner a hero. No he is not. He is not a hero, and he is not a lifesaver. He is making a a lot of money and gaining a lot of accolades off of this, there are tons of rewards for him having breasts and wearing lipstick. I am also really sick of the Kardashian clan.

It is not hate if people don't want to see him as a woman or think it's ridiculous. People that think it's ridiculous are painted as villains. I personally don't mind his decision, but I don't like how the media kinda forces us to embrace his decisions.

3) Rachel Dolezal, who lied her way to President of her local NAACP chapter. I am tired of hearing about her too. She is kind of being painted as a hero too and labeled a "human rights activist", and it is total bullshit. She is actually making it on CNN. I can't believe this has turned into the media circus that it has become and people actually think she has done good when, she is a total fraudster. Not only did she lie about being black when she is white, but she sued Howard University (a black college for discriminating against her for being white) and reported hate crimes against her for being black (when in fact she fabricated those crimes).

And society is so blind to this sort of thing, because no one thinks that anyone would lie about difficult circumstances such as being a minority or having a difficult upbringing, or having a disease. I totally think there is a lot to be gained by faking a minority identity or suffering.

Growing up in a cult, the leader used her minority status as an Asian female to her advantage and lied her way to media opportunities. One of the lowest things she did was fake having cancer to manipulate us into slaving away and working for free for her for her benefit.

The public is so blind that this sort of thing happens, people see a sob story on TV and give money so freely without simple fact checking.

Okay, I am gonna go get ready for bed now. My bullshit bell has been ringing so loudly and I need a break.


Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Food porn....

Bonjour my little macaroons......

I just bought my favorite ice cream...... Ben & Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. And zero fucks were given. I don't care about the other flavors they come out with, I always end up with the cookie dough, and I wish they would put in more cookie dough...

Speaking of which, I never bake cookies in my house on purpose. Not because I am lazy, because, well, I am.... but that's beside the point.

The real reason I don't whip up treats in my kitchen is because I have zero self control, and I almost barely ever end up baking cookies because I am too busy eating the dough. No joke, and then I wind up feeling, sick, bloated and hating myself. Almost 10 years ago I decided to sign up for a cake decorating class. It was fun, but I had to stop because I wound up eating most of my materials. I ate the raw cake batter and I couldn't help myself with the frosting I made either. We made our frosting out of Crisco and powdered sugar. I know that sounds nasty and seeing that Crisco should have been a deterrent, one would think. Apparently not. I loved decorating the cake with different colored frosting and then eating it. I felt like a child again in my mother's kitchen.

The last time I decided to treat myself to some chocolate chip cookie dough was about six months ago. I went to the store and bought the pre-made cookie dough because I wanted to make oreo-stuffed chocolate chip cookies. Instead of going through all that trouble, I just bought the raw pre-made chocolate chip cookie dough and ended up eating it while watching Netflix. It was very satisfying to be home alone, and have a Netflix and cookie-dough binge.

I haven't actually made cookie dough in almost a decade, because I don't even wait until the dough is made. I like to eat the ingredients as early as possible. As soon as I mixed the butter and sugar and eggs and vanilla together, I was licking the spoon and loved the buttery flavor and sugar granule texture, then I added the flour mix, and loved the floury texture, and that I could still taste each ingredient separately.

With all of that excitement, why would I ruin it by putting it in the oven ?

I re-read this, and it almost sounds like I am talking about porn....... Food porn. I used to be able to eat anything when I was in my twenties, and I really did. To this day, I am happy that I lived it up and used every opportunity I had to eat all the sugar and carbs I wanted and still have a nice figure. In my twenties, I worked at Red Lobster, and ate all the buttery biscuits, pasta and baked potatoes I could get my hands on. And I did.

And then when I was about 25, that opportunity was taken from me, and now there is just no way in hell I could ever keep up with my twenty-something self without being obese, and having major stomach issues. So sad, but so happy, I ate what I wanted when I could.

Anywhoresies, that is all for now. Time for me to go and sleep off this sugar rush.

Ciaosies !!

Sunday, June 7, 2015

And Le Weekend Continues............

So what's going on my little buttercups ?

It's Sunday, and I just finished walking and feeding the dog. He is currently occupied with ripping all the stuffing out of his toy. I let him make a mess because I would rather he destroy a dog toy than other property. I also want to give him an outlet to express himself, because I am sure he misses his owner.

I am listening to Mozart. I am half Austrian. My mother was born and raised in Austria, and Austrians love their classical music and their sweets. Is it wrong that instead of humming the classical tunes that I want to meow them out ?

I also had my morning coffee and cereal. Instead of cream and sugar, I added almond milk and coconut oil to my brew, and it was good ! Don't get me wrong, I freaking love my sugar and love it when people brag about their dessert exploits on social media. It's just that I am not in my twenties any more, and sugar really throws a monkey wrench into life with depression.

I try to take supplements, and one of the supplements that has made me feel a little better is
Vitamin D. I can't explain it and we all have our different way of coping with illnesses, but this is my little hack, so maybe you can try it ?


To continue on with my cult stories, I re-read my blog post from yesterday, and I found it entertaining, because ten years have passed, and I am now re-reading my experiences as a normal person. Sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.

What would you do if a woman told you to cut off your own penis ? Because this is what our KK (Krazy Korean) once asked three of her male students to do. One day she called three of her male students in, and wanted to discipline them, probably for having sexual thoughts or for thinking about other women.

KK is now in her seventies and looks it, but she was very beautiful in her younger years and obsessed with her image. She definitely used it to her advantage with the male students and was secretly jealous of her female students. More on that later, but she definitely used her looks to her advantage with the male students, and did NOT like it at all when they spoke about other women. She was very passive-aggressive in methods of displaying jealousy.

Anyway, she called the three men in and had them kneel down on their knees and face her with their heads down, with her right hand men in the room too. She basically told them that their cocks were coming between them and their master (meaning her) and that they don't deserve to be her students.

You ever hear the saying "You can't serve two masters" ? That is from the Bible, Matthew 6:24. She always loved to quote the Bible and use them to her advantage.

Anyway, back to the penis story............... She instructed them to pick up the steak knives placed next to them and "cut off their cocks". And the men actually had the blades against the skin, until she yelled STOPPP ! (Because she is not a complete idiot and doesn't want to get sued or go to jail or be blamed for running a crazy cult with actual undeniable proof).

So then she had her right-hand men take them to the toilets and shove their heads in the toilets. Because just when you think you got out of one punishment, she will shock you with a new one. I knew this first hand because she punished the children this way, but she was smart enough not to do it herself. She had the parents or other member do the dirty work.

I was give a lot of punishments as a child. There were four of us kids, and I was the only girl. I really got the harshest punishments. So did the boy my age because we were outspoken. We definitely deserved to be disciplined and I am all for strict discipline, but that boy and I were singled out.

I am sure you readers, especially the men, wonder how the hell a man would ever allow himself to even entertain a thought of cutting off his own penis ? But I can guarantee that if you can get a person in a certain frame of mind, you can really get them to believe anything and I do mean anything. How else can you explain educated individuals involved in cults ?

I will write more on this later, but there is a psychology to this madness that may seem counter-intuitive, but does make sense once you understand it more.

Saturday, June 6, 2015


Hello there kittens !!

So, what's up ? I am enjoying Le Weekend. I am still dogsitting Tico, a jack russell terrier mix. He is a lovely dog. I enjoy sleeping next to him, I find it therapeutic. He is playful and always wants me to throw his toys around.

The only real issue is that it's really hard to find him toys that last. He always chews the crap out of them and of course leaves the stuffing all over the floors. I got him a few cool toys from the dollar store, and of course those didn't last more than a couple of hours. So then I decided to step up my game and buy something made with more durable material, and that seemed to work better, although not really.

Another thing that I am happy about is that I got my favorite nail polish, Essie, on sale. Most women brag about Opi, but I don't like that brand, as it peels off my nails easier. Essie seems to be better quality with more popular color pastel shades, which are popular in South Florida. It barely goes on sale, so when I used my CVS extra bucks along with a coupon towards nail polish, I was happy when I only had to pay $9 instead of $19.  I also found another bottle in the clearance bin for $2. Yay !

While I am here, I want to talk about more cult stuff, especially since the Duggars are in the news. They are religious and conservative, and there were a lot of similarities in how I and other children in a religious, conservative environment are raised.

I was five years old when my parents joined their organization. I won't be naming any names because some family members are still there and have threatened to sue me for "libel" and "slander", which is one of the reasons I decided to work in the legal field, so I could at least know what is and isn't possible under the law, so I couldn't be scared off so easily. So I will also be using the magic word "allegedly" sprinkled throughout my writings.  Sprinkled randomly whenever I feel like it. Just because I feel like it. Allegedly.

So my parents joined this "alleged" cult. when I was five, although my father is no longer there, THANK GOD. I left when I was twenty-five. I will get more into the details of how and why later. Let's go to the interesting part first. We were raised in a very oppressed environment run by a Korean woman who controlled her minons with sexual restrictions. The biggest sin to her was oral sex. She stated over and over that oral sex is the biggest sin that we could commit. Just knowing that piece of information, imagine what growing up in her environment could be like.

If you dared to question her and call her out on her allegedly recockulous rules, she would state to your face that you are crazy and making it up, because she encourages sex in relationships and thinks it's beautiful, but behind your back, she has people watching you and reporting to her, and punishes you for acting out later.

And masturbation. Flogging the dolphin, spanking the monkey, beating the bishop.................... She used that to control her members too. As she got older, she got more restrictive in her rules. Before I left, there was a rule that we had to keep all doors in our rooms in our home open. And if we had to go to the bathroom, there was a two minute limit, because if we were in there longer, it would be assumed that we were busy masturbating, and Jack-off police would report this to Grand Mistress.

Well, that is all for now. I can only write my memories in snippets because I have twenty years of memories, and the truth is everytime I recall one detail, I feel that I need to give you a background, and explain, which leads me to other memories, and honestly, I just don't know where to even begin. So for now, it is easier to just start writing and cut myself off for the day so I don't over-analyze.

If you have any questions, do feel free to ask.

Ciaosies for now !

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

My Five...........

Well Good Evening My Little Moon Pies,

I am just gonna give five opinions, since I don't feel like writing in paragraphs..........

1) My favorite part of a cat is its whisker. A close second would be the markings on its chest area. My favorite part of a dog is its eyelashes, followed by its tail. Don't ask me why, I don't know why, it's just how I feel.

2) The weather here blows right now. Here in Florida we have no change of the seasons and we either have Tourist Season or Hurricane Season. June to September is not a pleasant time to live here. It's a furnace by the early morning. It's hotter than the devil's buttcrack, it rains a lot and there is always the possibility of evacuating. But it's not so bad, I would rather deal with this than the drought in California (which is the worst in its history) or earthquakes without warning, or the unaffordable housing.

But last year was worse, because it was my first summer and I didn't know what I was in for. Not only that, but I had to suffer flea bites the entire season. Not only that, but I was also not working at the time.

3) The traffic is worse. It's not the congestion that bothers me, because in CA it's actually worse. What bothers me is how dangerous the roads are here, Not only are the highways constructed in an unsafe manner, but when accidents happen, they are ugly. Back in California, it was a big deal if the accident involved more than two vehicles. Here, 3-4 is the norm. Today I saw a car flipped over during my lunch break. Upon driving home, there was a four car accident. Did I mention that drunk driving and texting are extremely common here ?

4) In trying to consume less sugar, I have stopped taking my coffee with sugar. I just drink it with milk. I really do miss my sweetened and chilled Starbucks Espressos, but I am feeling better without it, so we shall see how long my willpower lasts.

5) I can now identify lizard shit. We have so many lizards here, and I found a couple in my house. Eventually the little bastards realized I was friendly, brought more friends over and had themselves a party, they were fucking, multiplying and shitting in my living room. Eventually I picked a few up and threw them back outside, and they have gotten the hint that my home is not a party-zone.

Okay, off to go shopping.

Besitos !!

Monday, June 1, 2015

It's Monday *Le Sigh*

Hello My Little Marshmallows,

Miss me ? Please form a single file line and try to contain your excitement. Thank you.

Today is Monday, and Mondays tend to blow because I can never seem to get proper sleep the night before. My mind knows I have to wake up early the next morning, and it won't let me sleep. Instead, my mind tends to either feed me really brilliant ideas or bring back memories of some of the stupid mistakes I've made over the years.

Today I was late for work, not because I didn't plan properly. I actually left early. I was late because usually there is no traffic, and there was a four-car mess this morning. (Which is actually tame by Florida standards). I also forgot my phone. Lovely, right ?

What else ? I went to the Dollar Store yesterday. Usually I am not a fan of the Dollar Store, because items like food, cleaners and batteries are really substandard. Plus, Most cleaners and hygiene products of better quality can be found cheaper at Walmart and/or the drugstore with a coupon. And did I mention that I am not a fan of the crowds there ?

But, yesterday I found E.L.F eyeliner for a buck (ELF makeup is decent) as well as envelopes and dog toys !

Once in a while I will allow myself to purchase expensive makeup such as Chanel foundation or Urban Decay, but I like to leave the impulse buys to cheap stores like Big Lots and the clearance rack at drugstores, or even the dollar store, so I don't go bankrupt. But for things like primer, and foundation, I believe in spending more money as it sits on my face all day.

Enough babbling for now, tootles !

Saturday, May 30, 2015

If I could be a survey whore .....................

If you could…

  1. Travel anywhere, where would it be? MIDDLE EAST, LATIN AMERICA TO BE VAGUELY HONEST
  2. Meet anyone, who would it be? PITBULL
  3. Bring anyone dead back to life, who would it be? MY OMA
  4. Be anyone for a day, who would it be? SOFIA VERGARA
  5. Get anything for free for the rest of your life what would it be? RENT ? MORTGAGE ?
  6. Change one thing about your life what would it be? MY THINKING
  7. Have any superpower what would it be? I WOULD FLY (LIKE A BIRD)
  8. Be any animal for a day which would you be? A HOUSE CAT
  9. Date anyone who would it be? ANTONIO BANDERAS DURING HIS DESPERADO DAYS
  10. Change one thing about the world what would it be? NO WAR
  11. Live in any fictional universe which would you choose? SORRY, I LIVE IN REALITY AND CHOOSE TO STAY HERE
  12. Eliminate one of your human needs which would you get rid of? GOING TO THE BATHROOM
  13. Change one thing about your physical appearance what would it be? I WOULD LOSE A FEW POUNDS
  14. Change one of your personality traits which would you choose? I WOULD BE MORE OUTGOING
  15. Be talented at anything instantly what would you choose? BALLET/ OR MUSICIAN
  16. Forget one event in your life which would you choose? I WOULD ERADICATE MY TEENAGED YEARS
  17. Erase an event from history (make it so it never happened) which would you choose? WHERE WOULD I EVEN BEGIN ? HOW ABOUT WORLD WAR II ? 
  18. Have any hair/eye/skin color, which would you choose? I LIKE WHAT I HAVE
  19. Be any weight/body type, which would you choose? I LIKE MY SHAPE, I JUST NEED TO LOSE A FEW BOUNDS
  20. Live in any country/city, where would you choose? I WOULD GIVE VARIOUS COUNTRIES IN EUROPE A TRY
  22. Be any height, which would you choose? I WOULD BE A FEW INCHES TALLER FOR SURE
  23. Have any job in the world, which would you choose? I WOULD LOVE TO BE AN AMBASSADOR OR WORK FOR THE FOREIGN SERVICE
  24. Have anything appear in your pocket right now, what would it be? A CHECK FOR AN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF MONEY ? NO ? OKAY, I WILL SETTLE FOR A DOLLAR OR A STICK OF GUM.........

Saturday Laziness

Well Bonjour My Little Buttercups !

How art thou ? Did you all have a lovely week ? I have been dogsitting a very cute dog for the last week and a half named Tico (pronounced Chico, because his owner is Brazilian). Tico loves to play, but has destroyed all of his toys. I bought him a few toys, but they didn't last more than a few hours.

How can you resist that face ?

So what else ?

I am slowly catching up and making the blogrounds, but I see that over half of the people I used to follow has stopped blogging.  It makes me a little sad, but life does go on ! After all, I was gone for a year and wasn't sure if I was gonna come back and blog. I am glad I did. I am happy to see those of you that are still here, and meeting new readers !

I always think about what I am gonna write, and then when I finally sit down to blog, it's like I have constipation of my mind. I am blogstipated...................

I will just talk about five things to get rid of my brain fart:

1) I slept until 2 p.m. this afternoon, and so did the dog. It was glorious, then I had coffee. This is what weekends are about. Tico likes to put his hind legs and butt in the general vicinity of my face to greet me when I awake. Isn't he so sweet and thoughtful ?

2) I was thinking about my life in the past couple of years, and it is funny how much I have changed. I have changed most about my opinions about life, it's crazy.

3) Speaking of which, I had this crazy notion back in my twenties that I had an idea of how life works. Now I am approaching my mid-thirties and all I can think is what the hell was I thinking, and how do we really know anything ? I feel like I don't know anything, I am re-learning life. I think having depression and anxiety has really thrown a monkey-wrench into everything. Blogging really does help with looking back and getting some perspective.

But I also think sometimes that when we are young, our over-confidence and delusions help us power through life. It gives us confidence to power through life, because it never gets easier and we do need all the help we can get. We need to bite off more than we can chew sometimes and learn a few things.

4) I have had this blog since December of 2003. It's funny to look back at some of these posts and wonder what the hell I was thinking ? A couple of years ago I found my old written journals from 1998 and 1999. I was so ashamed,  I think may have burned them. I still don't regret the decision.

5) I grew up in a cult and never really discussed it on this blog, but I think I should. It is still a taboo in society that really no one understands. It's really the extreme cases that make it on television. The Duggars, the scientologists, Warren Jeff....... It's like you have to get raped and have some leader's baby, or barely escape with your life to make it on television. Or get starved. None of that happened to me, but what did happen still defies all the confines of logic and reasoning. And it should be discussed.

The best way to manipulate someone is to control them mentally and leave no physical scars. This takes time, but once you are able to control someone's mind and convince them that your delusions are their dreams that they think they thought of, you are unstoppable as a leader. And if that person wakes up and starts acting against you out of rightful anger, you can calmly sit back and call the other person crazy. Of course you react as a maniac in private, but publicly you grab your followers, and you all call the defector "crazy" and that you wish they would get the help they need and "pray for them."

Okay, that is all for now.

Besitos :)


Saturday, May 23, 2015

Survey I took in in July 2008 with the answers from back then and today (in red)

1.  Your First Name and Where do you Live?
My name is Senorita and I live in the Bay Area, California
Senorita-- Somewhere in South Florida
2.  Children/Grandchildren?
No and No
 No and No
3.  Planning a Summer Vacation? 
No, but I am planning a long travel excursion with my friend, Henry in a year or two.
 Possibly, not entirely sure.......
4.  Occupation?
5.  Have you ever had a miracle happen to you? 
If so, tell us about it.
My Oma who passed away in 2006 has been showing herself to me in various ways since she died.

Same as above, and I walked away from a horrible car accident once without a single scratch.
6.  Your favorite TV show.
Law and Order SVU
7.  If you had one wish that would come true,
what would it be & why?
I have two wishes:
1. To have my fabulous career
2. To find true love
         Same but I would like to completely eliminate my depression
8.  Do you have a hobby and if so, tell us about it?
                               Same and blogging
9.  Do you go to casino & if so,
what is the biggest amount you have won?
I don't believe in casinos
                                   I still don't.
10. What is your most prized possession?
My Oma's things that I inherited, my sword for dance and my competition grade ice skates
11. What is your most memorable vacation?
The time I lived in Barcelona for a whole year
My trips to Paris
12. Are you afraid to Fly?
Give me wings first, then we can discuss the flying part
 I went skydiving in 2010 and it scared the piss out of me.

13. What is your biggest fear in life?
To be where I am now when I am in my thirties and forties
                           What's funny is that my biggest fear then came true, lol. It's not so bad and things are getting better.
14. What kind of car do u drive
& what kind do u wish u drove?
I drive a 2004 Nissan Sentra. I wish drove a Prius so that I could save on some gas
Why the hell did I want to drive a Prius ? My Sentra crapped out and left me stranded in the middle of nowhere in 100 degree weather. I now have a little Fiat.
15. Will you be voting in Nov. &
are u a decided voter
<u dont have to tell us who>?
I still am not decided on which party I should belong to. And I am still deciding on a candidate.
I didn't vote in the last Florida election because I barely knew the candidates and their stances.
16. Do you do any volunteer work,
if so for what charity?
Up until this year I volunteered for Community Legal Services in East Palo Alto. We helped undocumented people facing abuse get legal status. Very rewarding work.
When I first got to Florida I started volunteering with Dade Legal Aid, which did pro-bono work for the poor. It really sucks when you are poor, need a lawyer and are stuck on a mile long waiting list.
17. What is your fav kind of food?
I love Spanish food, Catalan food, Korean food......
                             I still love these things
18. What is your most memorable childhood memory?
The time I lived in Austria when I was 10 with my aunt, uncle and cousins.
19. What do you enjoy receiving the most on The List?
On the List??
What list?
20. Anything else you want to share with us?
I am a total survey whore........
                             And I still am
21. If you have a pic of yourself,
please insert it here..
Look to the left of my journal and you shall have a glimpse of moi !!
                    If you don't see it on my blog, add me on Le Facebook !