Monday, August 31, 2009

3 Years Later, You Are Still In My Heart...............

It's been three years since you left us, but you are still in my heart, Oma.

I still miss you and feel blessed that I got to enjoy the time with you while you were here.

I love and miss you so much.

I don't know what awaits us after, but I hope that when my time comes, I can see you again.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

We are all whores.............

Good afternoon to you my furry kittens..............

This morning I spent my time embracing my inner whore by watching reality TV. We all have something we indulge in relentlessly. I have mentioned a few posts back that I am a perfume whore, as well as reality TV whore. I will try different perfumes without staying loyal to one. I have never bought the same perfume twice. Why stick with one when something new just got released and is just waiting to be tried ? And no, I am not alluding to my dating habits.

When I was living in Barcelona and had just moved into a flat with a Catalan man who did't speak English, I tried to tell him that I am a perfume whore. I tried to explain the concept to him, but of course that was a big fat failure. The way we use an expression like that just does not translate into Spanish.

He looked at me with a stern face, pointed his finger at me and told me that I should never ever say something like that again. That I should never refer to myself as a slut or a whore, lol. I tried to explain to him what I meant, but he said that is not the way to say it.

Anyway, this morning I embraced my inner reality TV whore. VH1 is so trashy but I can't help myself. I watch most of their shows, and it all started with Rock of Love Bus with the biggest tool and manwhore of all, Brett Michaels. As disgusting as he is, I can't stop watching him. I hear that he may sign on for another season. I hope he does.

Today I was watching My Antonio with Antonio Sabato Jr. I normally don't like Italian men, but he is so fine, he is definitely my type minus the douchebag tatoos he has on his arms and on his back. It looks like he has the male version of a tramp stamp on his back in the form of a bat. No doubt a man like him is whoring around. He has two baby mamas.

He is famous for being an underwear model in the early 1990s, and was in a Janet Jackson music video. He is 37 now, but I think he is hotter now than he was then.

Anyway, he has a dating reality tv show where he is looking for love and trying to find a girlfriend. We all know he can get laid, but I think his career has been lacking and he is trying to get back into the spotlight with a reality tv show. It's working, it's gotten him a lot of publicity, and hey, I am watching !

It's disgusting what he is making these women do, but if you are hot and rich like him, there will always be chicas who are willing to be humilitated on TV by doing the following:

1.) Running in dresses up a steep hill
2.) Writing sappy love letters to him on TV after knowing him for a couple of days
3.) Putting up with his mother, who pretty much judges them on the spot
4.) Doing workouts that are fit for a professional football player
5.) Getting booted off the show for not having nice enough hands and feet.
6.) Getting hypnotized in front of the camera and acting stupid.

This list goes on............

I don't care how hot a man is, I would not be willing to fight like that for him. But then again this is TV, and the normal dating rules don't apply when you are facing the cameras.

Speaking of other VH1 reality tv shows, I have also been watching Tool Academy. If you don't already know what I am talking about, then you probably wouldn't really want to.

Anywho, time for me to go do something interesting like read. All this TV is turning my brain into sludge.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Back in Town.......

Hi Kittens !

I hope you are enjoying a lovely weekend. My brother and I had a nice time at grandma and grandpa's.

My grandma made us a nice beef dish with potatoes, green beans and garlic bread. My grandma is an awesome cook. I ate a lot and happily paid the consequences. I would do it again.

I don't have too much to say right now, but when I do, I will be back here for you to hear about it.

Friday, August 28, 2009


Hello There My Babies,

As you know, I am visiting my dad and grandparents. It's been very peaceful and relaxing so far, with a lot of food involved. Last night my grandpa invited us out to a nice restaurant called The Cliff House here in Mendocino. Beautiful view, and we had pasta with calamari. Delish.

This morning my dad treated us to the Chinese Buffet. We are in a small town, and this is one of the few Chinese restaurants around. Basically it was in an old Burger King, and it reminded me of the Chinese restaurants back in the eighties with no upgrades in the restaurant whatsoever. But the food was okay, and I ate a lot.

One of my favorite things to do here is frequent the bookstore by the headlands called the Gallery Bookshop. I know the books are a little on the expensive side, but I don't mind, because it's a cozy bookstore and the staff are friendly and will offer their recommendations if asked or just write their recommendations and post them in front of the books.

A couple of months ago, I bought a couple of other books. One of them was called The Devils, The Lovers and Me by Kimberlee Auerbach. Basically a woman in her thirties got a tarot card reading to seek out answers. I really liked the book and felt like I could relate to the author. She didn't get the answers she was looking for, but things worked out. Many people don't believe in it, but I am still undecided. I think that there is some truth to it, but that the truth is hard to find. You have to work for it.

This time in the bookstore I bought: In Arabian Nights by Tahir Shah and Julie and Julia by Julie Powell. I was going to see it in theaters, but I decided I will give the book a try first.

I spent a fair amount of time in the travel section of the book store. I don't really believe in the travel guides. Most of the recommended places are too expensive, and I find that some of them are out of touch with the customs of the country. I read a fair amount of books and websites online before I lived in Barcelona. But actually meeting people in Barcelona was different. A lot of the way people live over there, I had to see for myself and experience it first hand. Plus, given the economy, how do you even know that restaurant you read about is still in business ? Speaking of which, I was saddened to read that the school I attended to get my TEFL certificate just closed up shop in Barcelona this past spring.

While I don't believe in travel guides, I go believe in reading about the adventures of others. Everyone who travels has their own unique experiences. It's interesting to read about them. While I read these books, I wonder why I never wrote a book about my travels. I blogged about it, which you can fine in my archives from 2004-2005. But then again, I wrote a lot about my hard times and struggles. Actually, I held a lot back, as I had a couple of sticky situations I got into. Now I remember why I didn't write a book, I spent a lot of time crying and writing about my homesickness. Who wants to read about a negative nancy? But the interesting thing, is now after almost 5 years of being back here, I don't really remember the bad. What stands out is the fun I had and the things I did and saw. Because not only did I learn a lot, but I did have a lot of fun as well. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my year abroad.

As far as other books I have been reading, I have been slowly reading The Alchemist along with The Sociopath Next Door. I find both very interesting and I have a lot to say about those books. Especially The Sociopath Next Door. The book makes you think, and it makes you question not only the people around you, but yourself as well.

We'll be heading back home tomorrow since I have to work.

Ciao for now........

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Road Trip

Good Morning Loves,

Well, I am off to visit my grandparents and my dad along with my brother. Did I mention that I have the best grandparents in the world ? If you do and they are still with you, give them a hug and tell them. I have always admired their kindness towards others and willingness to forgive, as well as their work ethic. Between my mom's mom and my dad's parents, I was taught early on to show kindness towards the homeless and the mentally ill.

I've done a lot of ass deflation techniques in the past week. That will all no doubt go to shit because my grandma always either makes good food or knows who does and gets takeout. Did I mention that she makes the best cookies ? The racoons around her house (she lives close to the woods) eat her cookies. Yeah, my grandma tosses out her cookies to the raccoons, and they are waiting around at 9pm. Or at least that's how it used to be. Her cookies are like an animal version of crack to these little guys and she is like their little dealer.

I am not about to deny myself food at grandma's in the name of a smaller ass. I currently have no social life, and I am taking a sabbatical from dating, so I have a little time. But, next week is a brand new week.

I have a long drive ahead of me, and I didn't get much sleep last night, thanks to cramps from hell. I am sure you all wanted to know that, so I decided that there should be no secrets between us.

You're welcome.

Besitos !

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Happy Birthday !!!!

Hi Little Loves,

So today is special because it's my dad's birthday. My brother and I are going to pay him a visit as we don't get to see him very often. My dad also has a ragdoll cat, which he adores named Sweetums. So we will give her some love too.

My dad said something to me the other day. "You know Senorita, I just wouldn't feel normal if I didn't mess with your head."

He is dead serious, by the way. But then again, he just wouldn't be my dad without that. And I know that most of his antics are being saved for if I have children. He is just waiting for the day that he can spoil them rotten in a manner that would drive me up the wall. Sugar, drumsets, caffeine, practical jokes.........

My dad is not one of those men who treats his daughter like a little princess. My dad shows his affection by getting reactions out of me. And I don't really see him do it to my brother, I think it's really just me, as I wear my reactions on my face, whereas my brother just keeps his feelings inside.

My dad would like a lapdance from Angelina Jolie for his birthday, and like always, I will arrive empty handed again with no Angelina. :(

Happy Birthday Dad !

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Spawn of Satan Would Like To Bang You

Hi My Secret Squirrels,

I was perusing through the personals ads in my area, and this guy just scared the bejeesus right out of me. He looks like a guy you would find in one of those Wanted ads for kidnapping. And when he does decide to smile, its on the day he decides he doesn't want to brush his hair and straighten up. He looks like he smells in that picture.

Somebody please reach out and help this man. The axe murderer look is not the way to go if you wanna get laid. A simple hair cut, a shower, and a smile goes a loooong way.

If you can stomach this, he is into long French dinners. I bet you would want to dim down the lights while dining with that.

In his headline he wrote "Soulmates ?" Ladies, I ask you this....... Is this what you imagined for yourself when you dreamed of your knight in shining armor ?

Wouldn't you like to hear what he has to saw ? I thought that you would never ask......

Intelligence, fairness and honesty are real important to me. Fine wine, a long french dinner and good story telling are also high on my list. I'm very interested in science/technology and social issues as well as the fine arts and classic rock and roll. Though I am one in a peculiar kind of way, I hate snobs; folks who take themselves too seriously. If you can't find some fun in everything you do, at least most things, why do them? If you can't laugh at yourself then you are too serious for me.

Story Telling ? No doubt he's good at it. If someone looking like that told me a horror story, I would piss my pants for sure. I bet Halloween is his favorite holiday.

If I looked like him, there is absolutely no way I could take myself seriously.

I am sure the poor guy has made little kids cry and scared off pretty girls so laughing at himself would be a defense mechanism to cope.

That is all for now.

Finally, some answers................

Hello All,

As you know, there are major changes going on at work. We are moving headquarters, and there are a lot of changes coming in being relocated, different shifts, different hours, and the list goes on.

I have been nervous for the past couple of weeks holding onto my cash for dear life as if it may be my last, and calculating how much longer I could pay rent. I even made a list of the different steps I was going to take and how I would spend my time if I had to look for another job.

So I got off the phone today with my boss and FINALLY got some answers as we had been kept in suspense for the past few weeks.

Turns out I still will have a job, but a lot of changes will be made to my schedule. Screw that, who cares, I still have a job so I am relieved.

Unfortunately others aren't so lucky, and that breaks my heart because I don't wish a job elimination on anyone.

But I saw this coming a while back and got prepared. Anything management needed, I did with a smile. Any extra shifts they needed picked up, I did even if I had plans with friends and had to reschedule with them. I covered shifts, I switched my schedule around no questions asked. I still would. Also, I know how to do different jobs, while some coworkers only know their post and nothing more.

Tough times out there and really I am just trying to survive and take care of myself.

On another note, it's almost been three years since Oma, my grandma in Austria passed away. I've been thinking about her a lot and it kinda hurts. I miss her so much. Been thinking a lot about our time we spent together and how I treated her. You know how grandmas can ramble on and on and on and sometimes it just annoys the everliving shit out of you ? How sometimes they just don't stop asking questions ? Well, she used to get on my nerves. Now three years later I look back and feel so guilty. I never told her to shut up or anything like that. I would get a little snippy, and now I look back and feel guilty. My mom tried to calm me down, and say she annoyed everyone like that and it was part of the Oma experience, and I feel a little better. But sometimes I feel like you can't appreciate someone enough.
I thought I was over it and at peace with it all, but every year, something manages to creep into my psyche and mess with me.

As a defense mechanism, I try not to let things into my life that I can't stand to lose, which has translated into hurdles with developing friendships with others and relationships. I don't think I am a bad friend, it's just hard to reach out to others and seek out company.

But you don't chose family. I usually write a tribute to Oma every year on the day of her death, and I don't know if I really want to on that exact day this year. I just want to go through the motions that day and get through the day.

I need to stop here and get ready for the gym. I need to reduce my "bubble" aka the size of my ass.

My Favorite Car Commercial

Monday, August 24, 2009

Douche Bag Tag

Good Morning My Furry Felines..............

I found this treasure on Yahoo Personals. I know, I know, shockingly he is single. I read his profile first, but when he saw my "profile" he responded, lol. His description is fantabuslously douchey, as well, but first things first..............

1.) This man is NOT a chick, so why is he wearing Mardi Gras beads AND earrings ? I guess he was guilty of flashing his man boobs, or as we like to say, moobies.

2.) What's up with the kissy face ? I know high school chicks do that shit on myspace to make their lips look bigger (which is annoying), so what is his excuse ? He also looks like he's wearing lip gloss.

3.) Let's discuss the facial hair. If you guys ever consult Urban Dictionary, a chin patch like his would be known as the "douche bag tag". I have a lot to say about his chin hair. He's got the partial chin strap going on under his chin, probably in an attempt to hide that double chin. Cuz if you cover it with hair, no one will know it's there ! But the thing I really find offensive is the landing strip he gave himself on his chin. Basically, he turned his chin into a vagina. You know what else Urban Dictionary would call something like that ? A "pussy tickler". Which you can bet he is trying to put to use.

What says on his profile that he has children, but not living at home with him. So he already punished us all with little versions of himself. At least he is not raising them and teaching how to shape their facial hair.

Here is what he has to say on his profile ladies..........

This is the hard part....... Well im a six foot male with a large muscular frame but not a "MEAT HEAD" Im very passionate and affectionate and would like the same in a woman.I have a saying, " GIRLS ARE EASY TO FIND BUT A "WOMAN" IS NOT SO EASY TO FIND" I feel that chemistry is instant! well when you meet in person because here online is one dimensional, you dont quite get someone's personality just by reading whats on the screen.So what im looking for is the "WOW" factor!So im here to give it a try... e-mail me if you wanna chat.. P.S. IM NOT A GYM RAT!

Yeah, I definitely got the "WOW" factor, but as in a wow, I would utter after witnessing a train wreck.

Large muscular frame ? LOL.

Yeah, he doesn't have to tell us he's not a gym rat, I think we knew. The double chin gave that away.

Okay so that is all for now my little furballs....................

Un Beso !

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Sunny Sunday

Hi My Little Secret Squirrels,

I was elated today as I found some leftover ice cream cake in one of the freezers at work. I absolutely love ice cream cake. I love ice cream, cake and frosting. You know how women on a diet will sometimes eat just the cake with no frosting ? Not me, I will eat all the frosting.

I have been trying to make an effort to exercise more and eat healthier. But one thing I refuse to do is give up cake and ice cream, or shall I say ice cream cake. I think I will just have to be on the treadmill longer. Thank God I am not training for the Olympics. I would let sugar get in the way of my gold medal dreams.

Which brings me to the next point.............. Cold Stone Creamery or Baskin Robbins ? It's Baskin Robbins for me, all the way. As a kid, my folks used to take me to Baskin Robbins. It was our thing, and I was in awe of the 31 flavors. It was hard to choose. When my grandma from Austria came over, she took us out to Baskin Robbins. I also prefer their texture over Cold Stone. Cold Stone ice cream has a fattier texture that doesn't really appeal to me, and their portions are too large. I guess as the size of American asses increase, so must our portions. In a country where we aspire to be thin, we sure have large portions.

When Ashleigh and I went to eat at Cheesecake Factory last weekend, we stumbled upon the nutrition menus. We instantly regretted it. Most appetizers alone were at least 1000 calories. The pastas were easily over 2,000 calories. It depressed me. So what do you do when you're depressed ? You eat, so I ordered a huge sushi roll and also ate some of Ashleigh's fried chicken.

On another note, I was lazy and slept in this morning. The obnoxious neighbor dog kept barking and barking, and would not shut up, but I had ear plugs, so I fell back asleep.

But I did get to work on my dance routine for my performace next month. I thought I knew what routine I was gonna do, but I may change. I am thinking about dancing with the sword and going with more traditional music. We shall see. But I'll tell you what, my quads were burning after.

Other than that, I was looking around for some more "manslation" material, but I don't really see anything interesting. Just a lot of the same married men whining about how their wives don't play with their man parts enough. Whine...... whine........ whine.......... hoping that they can trip and fall into a sympathetic woman.

I have to wonder........... Let's just say these wives are in fact denying their husbands sex. What do they think he will do ? Just accept it ? I mean, some do, not all guys cheat, but after a while I would imagine he gets resentful. Don't any of these women have a clue that their men are trolling online ?

If I were married, and I stopped doing my marital duties, and my husband was all happy and being nice to me, I would know that he got it from somewhere, even if it's as minor as porn or those phone services. Men don't just happily accept that they're not gonna get laid. I have to wonder how many women in marriages don't ask themselves that question.

It's not to say that I agree with men that cheat, I do not, and it is never okay to cheat. I am just glad that I'm getting schooled early. This "manslation" hobby of mine has been like a little course in psychology.

Anywho, time to go now. Ciao..............

Saturday, August 22, 2009

The state of my gym and California

Hi Lovelies,

Last night was nice as I didn't have to work. I did a bunch of errands and went to the gym to work on some ass deflation techniques.

There is a section of the gym for us to do do exercises on the floor, such as squats, lunges, pushups, whatever our hearts desire. So I started out there, and luckily it was fairly empty. So, I am minding my own business when this older Indian dude gets his exercise equipment and plops down right next to me.

I mean, couldn't he have just backed up a few feet ? We had the space. Besides, I was already at the corner, and when I moved over a little, he kinda inched his way over a little too......... What ever happened to the concept of private space ?????

So I just continued to do my exercises, and as I was standing on the device that looks like half an exercise ball to do my squats, he kept looking at me. Then he started to do some of the exercises that I was doing. I mean, fine, but do them in your own corner, pal.

Speaking of the gym, I always wear pants. No chance I will wear shorts. Sometimes I will see the chicas on the machines in their shorts. You know, the weight machines that require you to open and close your legs. I can't tell you how embarrassed I feel for the girls that decide to do that with shorts. Sometimes women will wear shorts when they do situps with their legs in the air. I save that shit for when I am at home.

The men at the location I go to are NOT worth looking skanky for. Most of them are either old, and out of the seniors, a good bunch of those have a pervy twinkle in their eyes. Combine that with the younger dudes that look like gangsta wannabes and have tattoos and drive Honda Civics or Durangos and bump up banda music in their tricked out rides with rims. Ohh, how I hate banda (a form of traditional Mexican music with German polka music which makes my eardrums bleed).

After the gym I decided to erase all my hard work with a nice plate of Korean BBQ. I love Korean BBQ. It was delicious, expensive, and worth it.

While I was there, enjoying my dinner and feeling thankful that I am a carnivore, this wannabe gangsta/thug just strolls in, walks straight to the cashier desk, steals a huge stack of napkins, looks straight at me with the dumbest look of accomplishment on his face and strolls back out. The staff was back in the kitchen.

This guy was total white trash, trying to fit in. He had his hat on backwards, his jeans sagged, and he was all dressed in red, which is one of the gang colors in my area. He could've been a gangbanger I guess, but I don't know. I think that this guy stole napkins to make makeshift diapers for his baby.

I guess each area has its own version of trash. On the East Coast, like Jersey for example, you have the guidos. Here, in the Bay Area, we have thugs/gangsta wannabes. What pisses me off the most about them, is not nesessarily that they deface property with graffiti, although it is disgusting. It's that they breed, and raise little wannabees. I would gladly trade and take the guidos and give Jersey our prizes.

While we are on that note, I am really upset with our government. Thanks to our budget crises, and overcrowding of prisons, we are forced to release some of the nonviolent offenders early. I am real pissed about that. That, and some laws will be changed. I read briefly that writing bad checks will be bumped down from a felony to a misdemeanor, and so will car theft.

I know that our prisons are overcrowded. I've seen the pictures, and it's mayhem. I don't think most people realize how bad it's gotten. And the overcrowding is definitely not shown on the prison shows such as Locked Up on NBC. While the conditions are deplorable, I don't agree with groups that cry it's inhumane and violates our 8th Amendment against cruel and unusual punishment. It's freaking prison. As long as the guards aren't beating them or purposely withholding food, I think we're being humane. We're in a budget crises. If we're stripping children of bus rides to school and cutting benefits from seniors, the prisoners should live like crowded sardines, with bunkbeds crammed in the gym. It's meant to be unpleasant, so hopefully they don't return. Besides, most of them were in juvenile detention centers. We were kinder to them in juvenile detention. Now they've run out of chances and need to own up to their crimes.

I wish that we could build another prison. Some lawmakers actually argue that releasing these gems early will save a lot of money and even keep the streets safer. I think it may be pennywise, but definitely pound foolish. And it sends out the wrong message and create resentment among those who actually follow the laws and have to share the streets with these offenders.

I like the tough-on-crime stance. We should be generous with our youth, and be generous in eduacation spending, but tough on crime.

While rehabilitation efforts can work, only a few people take advantage of that. The rest go back out and reoffend. Try and talk to these people. Try and reach out to them. They don't care. I breifly volunteered with the Public Defender's Office. I dealt with people on parole or off parole and trying to clear their records. Most of those people didn't care, and many reoffended, racking up charges, and some being as bold as to blame us when things didn't work in their favor.

Okay, enough ranting for now. Time to take a shower.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Things that make me go........eeew or WTF ??

Hi Loves,

I went to the gym yesterday to work on deflating my fat ass. I started out on the stairmaster. The one where the steps are large and move like an escalator. I was on the machine, and I look over and there is this man hunched over on the machine, sweating all over it. I understand how people work out and sweat a lot. But this man was just hunched over it, sweating profusely all over the rails with his sweaty hands, the screen, and onto the steps. Sweat was dripping all over it, and he was huffing and puffing, looking like he was going to die. I doubt he cleaned it off, and I wonder about the germs I came in contact with yesterday.

Then I moved on over to the treadmill. While I was on it, another lady came over to use the machine next to me, and I thought nothing of it.............until she opened her mouth. I could smell her rank breath. She obviously burped and out came fermented rotten meat stank. I fanned my hands in front of me and looked at her, and she was just oblivious to it all. And she kept reoffending. So gross.

What was the eeeew factor. Now for the WTF Factor.............

What I don't understand is why there are male announcers on strictly female commercials. I was listening to an announcement for I think Kohls or some other store like that, where a man was announcing a sale on womens bras and panties. Not lingerie type bra and panties, but the regular ones. I mean, if you want to get Antonio Banderas to announce a sale on Victorias Secret bras, I may buy it, but otherwise, please stick to female announcers.

I was also watching TV recently and a man's voice was narrating a commercial for a pregnancy test, either EPT or Clear Blue, I can't remember which. I mean, yeah the man is definitely involved in the conception, as he is the one injecting her with his DNA.

But the woman is the one who pees on the the stick and is the only one carrying the baby. I guess I am just not used to hearing men advertise female products. I wouldn't want some man telling me what stick to pee on, I would rather have a woman tell me.

I still await the day that it is a male voice telling women to "have a happy period" when advertising Always pads.

On that note, who DOES "have a happy period"? I still can't believe Always is using that slogan, which has caused a lot of women to send hate mail to the company.

So I covered the male announcers, let's talk about the female announcers........

I find it amusing when I see the Extenze commercials at night, where female announces with flirty eyes that Extenze "increases the size of that certain part of the male body". Ooooh...... what part could that possibly be ? His hands ? Feet ? But no, they always just say "make a man larger". Why can't we just say PENIS on TV ? I don't get the big deal.

I am shocked that men still buy that stuff, after doctors claim that there is nothing that will make your schlong bigger. If I didn't have a conscience I would be peddling those capsules too.

Anywho, enough pondering for now my little meowing furballs.

Besitos !

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Negative Nancy Looks For A Man...............

Good Morning My Furry Felines !

Time for a "shelation" ! I've been reading the Craigslist ads for women looking for men. Entertaining, might I say. Here in my area of San Jose, or as we call it, Man Jose, the women are outnumbered by men. Which does allow the chicas to be more picky. No matter what you say in your profile, you will attract a man just by stating that you are a female. In my pictureless Yahoo profile, I listed that I was unemployed, large (not just by "a few extra pounds", that I loved to smoke and drink, and that I was looking for an athletic man. And I got a few replys back just for me looking at their profile. Granted, they were old and fat, but still, they were interested.......

One dating foul I often see from women is making every excuse in the book as to why a guy didn't like her or want to go out with her, which doesn't involve her or the dating fouls she committed.

"He's just so intimidated by me."
"He couldn't handle my bluntness"
"He just couldn't keep up with me"
"He wasn't man enough for me"


I have learned that if a man is serious about being with you, he will pursue you. He will seek you out, ask you out, and meet all the requirements you have if they are that important to you. If he doesn't then he is simply not your man.

I know times have changed and there are different view points on this. But no matter how "progressive" we've come, I just refuse to think otherwise.

Okay my kittens, time for me to get off the soap box and present the "shelation"

Title: Looking for a man who is not intimidated by me (32 y/o)
I want a man that doesn't run when I tell him I slashed my ex's tires

Please read before going any further: If you do not like a woman that is very blunt & honest, please don't read any further to prevent yourself from being offended or thinking I am one mean mouthed woman, which I am not. I am just upfront about everything, which personally I think is by far better trait than a liar. Some men on here tend to perceive me incorrectly because I am upfront & honest. If you are still intrigued then please continue on... Basically, hunny bunny, I am a foul mouthed bitch who doesn't hold back. I will tell you everything in the name of honesty: How moody and bloated I am from PMS, how the woman you just checked out is fugly, and I will nag you to do the dishes. Also, you should know that this applies to the bedroom as well. I will laugh at your small penis, and make fun of you if you can't properly finish me off.

I am searching for a man in every way possible, looks, personality, disposition, work ethics and yes sexually you must have a big schlong... alot to ask for, but thats what I want. I want you to worship me for the goddess that I am. I also seek a man I can see, so if you don't have a pic or offer me one, please don't send me an email promising me the world and the best sex ever, I like to see who I am emailing and whom I just might end up being intimate with somewhere down the road. See, I haven't posted your picture either so I want you to send me yours first. That way I can reject you first, without facing any rejection from you...

I am a very outgoing person who needs a man to keep up with me, in and out of the bedroom. I may be crazy, but it's the crazy ones who give better sex. I am a outdoor and indoor person so if you prefer staying indoors all day playing video games & watching SpongeBob, I doubt we will be compatible. Okay, WTF type of man watches Spongebob ??? I am looking for a man who is the package deal...not just below the belt either, I want a man who is intelligent beyond the bedroom Wait, men were "intelligent" in the bedroom ? Like did her ex talk about the Pythagorean Theorem while he flipped her over ?. IF you are still harboring feelings for your ex, please don't decide to toy with me, Think about it, they are your EX for a reason. Basically sugar pie, I still think about my ex who cheated on me, and will compare you to him. I can't have you do the same to me. I have zero tolerance for players and games, so if that is what you are looking for, Milton Bradley has several to choose from, but I am not one of them. Oooh, name dropping.... what a comedian......

Also if you don't have intentions of meeting in person then please pass me by basically sweet cheeks, when men realized how rude I was, the bailed, so don't bail on me and hurt my ego, and no I won't meet you in your bedroom for our first meeting, after we meet in a public place, if we are both attracted to one another, then who knows what might happen. I say I'm not a slut, but I can be I am a very blunt person so if that offends you, I apologize haha, no I don't and I am definitely not for you which is the first real truthful thing I've said here. I am also disease free don’t want any either! If I use the exclamation point, maybe you will listen......

I hate liars, cheaters, egotistic ***holes, and players. Again, sorry if I sound harsh, but I know what I want, what satisfies me. Basically, I scared off all the good ones, so I ended up attracting the ones with less than honorable intentions who stuck around to play with me.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

What my blog has brought.........

Hello My Little Secret Squirrels,

As you know, I've had this blog for almost 6 years. I like to look back and re-read my entries. I've changed a lot over this period of time, from my taste in music, to my taste in men. Good thing I didn't get married a few years ago, lol.

What this blog has covered:

1.) Me in my last semester of college and working at Red Lobster as a server
2.) My college graduation
3.) My entire year in Barcelona
4.) Coming back to the US and readjusting to American life, finding a job, a place to live and a car
5.) Working at Enterprise Rent A Car (renting cars to the public yields stories)
6.) Going back to school for my AA degree in Paralegal Studies
8.) Moving, switching roommates
9.) My second graduation and my volunteer experiences
10.) Other important events such as my family from Austria visiting, my grandma's death, my grandpa's death
11.) My useless witty banter, being a survey whore, and translating personals ads when I feel feisty.

It's also interesting to look back and read things I almost forgot about. I started this after my high school friends all had one, and when AOL offered free blogs in 2003 to all their readers for free, I decided that I should give it a try. I even won the AOL Journal of the Week Award in 2005 while I was still traveling. AOL Journals shut down in October 2008, so I transferred here.

I found that a lot of older people were reading my blog when I wrote about my travels. They told me they liked living vicariously through my entries. My most memorable experience was when I wrote about my trip to Mauthausen, a concentration camp in Austria. Only a few people commented, but what they said touched me. For them to feel like they were there with me meant a lot. The link is below and you can copy and paste it to read it.

Through this blog, I have had a lot of people come and go. Some people read for a while, and disappear. A couple of readers lost their battle to cancer, which was really sad. Some people just stop by and comment once or twice. Some people lurk and I never get the chance to know them. But either way, whether I have zero readers or a million, I still keep writing. What I think is insignificant today, could entertain me or make me think in the future then I look back and reread my entries. I remember I wrote about how depressed I was feeling around 2004. A couple of years later, I got a comment, by a girl that felt depressed, typed in "feeling depressed" in a search engine and found my blog.

I have met two people in person off this blog. My friend Henry from NYC, and David, who writes the blog Dadshouse. Both great people. I've managed to stay in touch with Henry for about 4 years now, and he is a true friend and gentleman.

Anyways, for those of you who have blogs, I hope it brings you many more enriching experiences.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

August 17th

Hi Loves,

So yesterday was August 17th, and there were three birthdays on that day: My brother, my cousin in Austria, and my friend Ashleigh.

My mom took my brother and I out to breakfast this morning. I had a Belgian waffle, which was yummy. It's been a while since I've had waffles.

It was nice to see my brother and talk to my mom, as it has been a while since we've gotten together.

My old man's birthday is next week. I will try and pay him a visit. I need to think of a gift that is creative enough for a person like him.

We have a little bug problem in my house, that seems to be at it's worst in the summer, even though we have air conditioning. I had a bag of almonds on my desk, that I've been eating out of it every morning with no problem.

But last night before I went to bed, I opened the bag, and noticed little insects with wings crawling around. I was mortified. I wonder if I ingested insect eggs the night before, as I did not see the wings earlier. I know, because I looked at the almonds before eating them. I wanted to barf.

Other than that, I am just waiting on my new work schedule. There are some changes going on, and I wish my bosses would just tell me what's up.

Bye for now.............

Sunday, August 16, 2009

I am not like the other guys..............

Hi Kittens ! Meow !

Manslation time kitties ! Below is just a sample of what Craigslist has to offer......... As usual my "manslations" are in bold.

If I tell you I want to bang you, you should bang me because I am being honest.

I'm bored I am tired of jerking off all day. I'm at home unemployed, I don't have enough money to go out tonight shocker !, and I'm horny as hell since my hand and the free porn sites are getting old. I'm tall, white, good looking any Asian chicks interested ?, have a nice sized cock yeah baby, I said "cock" you know I'll treat you like a lady, and know how to make a girl feel good. I don't have any gross diseases herpes isn't that gross, and I don't plan on getting any the truth is, I don't really care if I do. If you want to come over, we can meet somewhere in public first at a local park, just so you feel safe I'll shake your hand in public and grope you in the confines of my house, and know that I'm not some psycho loser or anything like that.... then we can go back to my place, get tipsy off of some cocktails we'll be raiding my dad's liquor cabinet, and have some really good, fun sex maybe in my parents room to be adventurous. It's your choice. You can either go out, have a boring night, go home frustrated and play with your clit until you make yourself cum at least you will achieve a guaranteed orgasm... or you can have a night of fun sex with a cool, fun, sexy guy like me no guaranteed orgasm. No strings attached... but if you end up liking me and want to come back for more... cool. Fine with me but babe, I will have to kick you out before midnight, as my parents will be coming home. Whatever makes you happy. Email me and we can exchange cell numbers and get to know each other a little first... so you're more comfortable. Cool?

While I was reading this dude's profile, I couldn't help but imagine him singing the following lyrics to me:

I have a present for you right here
Actually it's not a present, it's my penis

And they call it the spear
Because spears are long and hard just like my penis

I don't want to hear you talk
Because that just means you're not sucking my co**

Love is for girls and gays
If you wanna get with me it goes one of both ways

Either you have sex with me
Or you can have sex with me................

I can't take credit for those lyrics, as they come from Jon Lajoie, my favorite internet comedian.

So what have we learned here my little furballs ?

If you want to get with a girl, give her some options. She has to chose one. So it seems like she has freedom, when in reality, you get what you want. Smart, eh ? ;) ;)

That is all for now my fierce felines, more to come later.................

Besitos !

Friday, August 14, 2009

Uncertain Times

Hi Kittens,

So times are uncertain, and so are things in my world.

Everything is up in the air for me. I will know for sure whether I will have a job or not in 2-5 weeks. I've helped my bosses out with scheduling conflicts, I've picked up extra shifts, and I know how to do the jobs of others in addition to my own. I feel that I've put myself out there. But I know that really means nothing nowadays. I still know that they could call me in and let me go. There really is no loyalty anymore, even though they told me they appreciate all my efforts. For all I know, they could pick the slackers to stay over me. Logical ? No, but life is not logical or fair.

I had a dance performance scheduled as well as my high school reunion next month. Now I don't know if:

1.) I will have to cancel both because of a scheduling conflict if I have a new schedule or
2.) I get to show up to my high school reunion unemployed.

Nothing in my life is stable. Earlier this year around March I had to move because my roommate lost his job and had to go back to his country. This happened during my last quarter of school and during my hardest classes. I had to drive his ass to the airport with his bags packed, after we cleared out our apartment. It was sad, and I really wish things didn't happen the way they did because we got along real well. Especially since he watched all the trashy reality TV shows I did.

If I get laid off and can't find another job, I may have to move again. Who knows. I am not asking for help at my current place. I find that when you ask for help, sometimes people may help, but feel it is their right to either tell you what to do, or take advantage of your situation while they have the upper hand. It happened to me when I lived abroad, and I am glad it happened early on, I feel like I've learned a valuable lesson.

I have also been interviewing with law firms, and although I had some wonderful interviews, the competition is really fierce and I'm getting a lot of rejection. They want me to have more experience, and although they like all the volunteering I've done, it simply isn't good enough.

While this is going on, I have to remember to have a positive attitude and put all that Law of Attraction shit to use so maybe I can attract a better paycheck.

At least I am starting to work out again and feel a little better.

Okay, enough complaining for now. Time to go celebrate Ashleigh's birthday. I bought her a cake, and I could use some comfort food.

Besitos !

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Christ on a pogo stick Woman ! We're not in France !

Hello My Lovelies,

So today I managed to drag my ass to the gym and got in a good work out. I had to take the light rail back to my car.

In the light rail, I hear this obnoxious chatter, and it is two teenage girls and their mother, gabbing really loud in French. French normally sounds nice, but the way they sounded was just outright obnoxious.

The mother was standing there, holding on to the railing, and I noticed that she had armpit hair. You know ladies how sometimes you forget to shave your armpits and get a little stubble ? Well, this was nothing like that. This woman had long armpit hair, as in a little longer and you could almost braid it.

I have heard that French women don't like to shave, but I really thought that was a stereotype of the past.

I had no idea that there was some truth to that !

Someone needs to tell her she is not in France and that she needs to introduce herself to a Venus razor.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Are you anally blind ?

Hi Loves,

Wish you could take a day off work but have run out of vacation days ? Or maybe you are fed up with your micromanaging boss ? Due to all the downsizing, I bet many of you are forced to do twice as much work with no pay increase, or possibly even a pay cut.

Well, I may have your "get out of work free" card.

Next time you want to sleep in, or just want to tell your boss to go fuck himself, just call in and say that you can't come in because you are anally blind.

When the boss inquires as to what anal blindess is, just tell him " I can't see my ass coming to work today !"

I got this nugget of information from my friend Henry, so I can't take the credit for it. Henry is a good friend of mine who resides in NYC.

I also won't be putting this to use, as my boss has very decent to us during these tough economic times. That, and all my paid vacation days are used up, so if I don't work I don't get paid.

Gangbanger wants to bang you..........

Good Morning My Little Fur Balls,

Look what the alley cat dragged in ! This man is in my area and on the prowl for some kitty !

I have a feeling he was just released from prison and had nowhere to go. Either that, or he is back freeloading off his parents and he had to get a motel room to get laid.

Take a look at the background, it really looks like he is in a motel room. And his dietary choices...... Fritos and soda ! So for your special date with him he may take you to the 7-11 to pick out whatever your heart desires, and if he feels you are relationship material, maybe he'll take you to the all-you-can-eat buffet. Tough times, baby, and all that money he saved while working in prison can only go so far........

I bet you some tranny he paid to blow him took those pictures.

And you probably think I am exaggerating, but I did intern with the Public Defender's Office. He soooooo fits the profile.

Some more details for all you out there that want a piece of this prison meat................ He is 38 years old, has a high school diploma, and is "self-employed". Oh, that and he has children, but not in his care. He didn't say how many kids he has, but I bet he has at least a couple of baby-mamas. Just be sure he buys condoms when he takes you to 7-11 on your date.

Wouldn't you like to see what he has to say ? But bring your earplugs because he feels the need to shout it out.................


That is all for now.......

Besitos !

Monday, August 10, 2009

Bellydance Practice

Hi Loves,

As you know, I have a performance coming up next month, and I've been practicing a little more lately. Since I have my laptop and TV in my room, it is very easy to spend the whole day cooped up in my room without getting any exercise. So I've been trying to change that and dance a little more.

I've decided to perform with the double veils and it is a lot of work. I am not nearly as graceful as I would like to be. Especially since I am clumsy with my feet. I am pigeon-toed, so it's easy to trip over my feet, and it makes spinning around a little more difficult. When I spin, it is easier to travel instead of staying on one place.

I've picked out the song I want to dance to. I usually dance to Middle Eastern music, but this time I decided to dance to Dulce Pontes's song "Cancao do Mar" which means "The song of the sea". She sings in Portugese and it is very emotional. You can look it up on You Tube and have a listen. Sarah Brightman tried to do a remake, and turned it into a song called "A desert fantasy" using some middle eastern rhythms. It sucked in comparison to Dulce Pontes. How can you take the tune of the song that deals with heartbreak at sea and where water is the strong element, and try to make it work as a desert fantasy ? Just didn't work for me.

I think I've gotten half of the routine down, but it's hard to make it all flow together. I will definitely need to put in more hours. My veils are blue to emulate the sea.

That is all for now, more to blog about later, I am sure..................

Sunday, August 9, 2009

A Man of Few Words, But Much Creepiness........

Good Morning My Babies................
At first I thought the face shots were his actual mug shots, but it turns out he used his old drivers licence pics, which are probably old. He looks like hell in those, imagine what he would look like now after a few years and gravity, I am curious to see what has become of this man, which I will call Mr. Creeper.
I just wonder why on earth in the day and age of the internet he can't upload a decent picture like the other guys.
And let's talk about his Japanese outfit. What is he trying to do, try and score with some Asian girls ?
Here is what he has to say....................... With my "manslation" in bold....
Here is his headline: "generous to a fault”
a powerful mind which is in my pants i am told and extremely creative in the arts. I will look ridiculous in a Japanese outfit to seem cultural romantic with a tendancy towards extreme desire for life . looking for extraordinary pleasure with the right person. I will keep talking about my penis and trying to get you to touch it.

That is all for now, and I have more in my war chest.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

The Ugly Truth

Hi Kittens !

So yesterday I went out with Ashleigh to dinner and then to the movies. Then we did the usual and gossiped about boys.

I am such a lightweight and I got tipsy after one drink. I haven't had a drink in such a long time. It put me in such a better mood though. I suddenly felt like I could talk to anyone, lol.

We also saw the movie, The Ugly Truth with Katherine Heigl and Gerard Butler.

In the film, there were two men after her, a hot doctor, and Gerard Butler's character, a TV personality.

Hot choices. But if it were me, would I take a hot, well manicured doctor, or someone who looks like Gerard Butler ?

I would take Gerard Butler any day and gladly pack the doctor's bags. The doc was hot, but his eyebrows were neatly shaped, and it looked like he waxed his chest, and he wore preppy clothes. He could be almost be Abacrombie's bitch. I prefer the masculine look any day.

Gerard Butler is hot ! All man with a dirty sense of humor. He has huge biceps and could toss you across the room.

One thing he said in the move............ You want a relationship ? Get a treadmill !

I am gonna go work out now, lol.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Spread the Love !!

Hello Kittens !

My friend and fellow blogger Porkstar nominated me for an award on my sidebar, JUGS, which stands for Just Us Guys. He probably nominated me for two reasons:

1.) I can talk like a guy. I don't have an adam's apple, a deep voice or bulge in my pants. But I do have the mouth of a sailor when I want to. I have offended people at restaurants and at the hairdressers (my hairdresser loved it) You can thank my dad for that. My mom is the polar opposite. She is more conservative, and used to flinch when I said a single dirty word. But somehow she loves and reads my blogs. Yay to my mom !

2.) I have big jugs.

In Porky's blog, he wrote ten things about himself that we probably didn't know. So in honor, of him, I will do my ten things.........................

1.) I don't like iphones or Blackberrys. I would prefer a regular phone any day. I also think bluetooths are recockulous. It makes people look like they are talking to themselves, which is even douchier.

2.) I have lived in Barcelona for one year and in Austria once for 6 months and another time for the summer. I speak Spanish and German.

3.) One of my pet peeves on mens' personals is bad spelling, all caps, bad punctuation, or all three. If I see abuse on all that, I just won't bother.

4.) I may get flamed for this, but I believe in living separately until marriage. I would not live with a boyfriend until we married. Nothing wrong with people who do, but I prefer not to.

5.) I am seriously thinking about going to Egypt to take lessons under my favorite teacher.

6.) I wish I could trade my US passport for an EU passport so I could live by my family in Austria.

7.) I don't dream of buying my own house with a white picket fence, I would rather take all that money and travel the world.

8.) I love studying the law, and think many good attorneys out there get thrown in with the bad ones.

9.) I hate the European Union, and feel that the EU has caused a lot of countries to lose a lot of their culture.

10.) I used to wonder why I didn't get married and why I am still single. I look back and thank God I am still single, as I haven't learned a lot of my lessons until this year.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Hippy Love Dude By Ocean In Line to Fu** You...........

Hi Kitties,

Here in the SF Bay, there are more men than women. Therefore, men need to stand out and make themselves different from the rest. Our douche du jour below is trying to tell us how different he is.

My rule of thumb which hasn't steered me wrong is this: If a man tells me that he's not like the other guy's I've met, it usually means one of three things or maybe all three:

1.) He's just more offensive or obnoxious than the others
2.) He's unique..... just like everyone else.
3.) He has low self esteem

The good men that I've had the pleasure of knowing never tried to convince me that they're better than the rest. They just were.

Anywhore, ad is below, with my "manslation" in bold.

TITLE: All Men are Not the Same 37 y/o

Reply to:
Date: 2009-08-03, 9:59PM

Hi -

I'm attractive, I'm in good shape. I have a few dents from a few sports my nuts have gotten stomped on a few times , but I'm alright. Tan, flinty-eyed, positive, educated. Village-minded I'm the village idiot & globally aware I drive a Prius and shop at Whole Foods, clean, active, exploratory I want to explore your naughty parts, safe. I don't have any dietary limitations, I don't see a doctor and don't have a need and I may give you an STD, I'm high functioning and laying low. I'm not trouble, not in trouble, and I'd like you and I to start some trouble together Insert cliche sexual innuendo here. How's that for a social invite? Would you like to see my penis now ?

I've noticed that as I've aged and my hairline receded I have seen in myself and in others that the mind opens, looks fade as mine sure are, more things are possible with greater confidence and experience blah blah blah.... There was a time when I dated only older women I tried to bang my older landlady in exchange for cheaper rent... then it shifted to only younger what can I say, I had an early midlife crises... I no longer focus on the numbers as I can no longer afford to be picky. Women like me; I'm a keeper My mommy loves me. Pets like me also I can bark like a dog and sniff my ass. I'm totally comfortable in a suit or in a T-shirt - although I'm most comfortable nude I hope you don't have nice furniture, as it will be exposed to my nutsack and hairy bunghole.
In your message to me, tell me what you need. There are 100 postings from guys who want to fuck you. I stand in line as number 101.
And I want to fuck you, too (Am I a mind reader or what ?) . As a woman, that's available pretty much everywhere for you. I get that. There's a difference here I will be asking you to ignore my small penis and focus on my award winning personality instead.
I need an intelligent, attractive, conversational, sexual SLUTTY, unattached woman near my age range and in the general Santa Cruz area Hippy Love ! to join me to check out new and favorite places along the CA coast. Let's trade photos together and let's get something on the calendar.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

A Bellydancer's Post

Lucy Up Close

Hello Again,

So I was contacted by a ghost from the past............... my friend Mary, who taught me how to dance with a sword. I am forever grateful to her for teaching me how to dance with a sword, because not only are there so few sword dancers around, but good luck in finding one to teach you. Anyway, she recently had a baby and other than me going to her baby shower, we haven't talked much.

She learned sword dance from my first teacher, Zahra who went by the name Jewel. Jewel was from Egypt and introduced us to everything: finger zymbals, the drums, cane dancing, double veil dancing, the candleabra, costumes, the sword etc............. She sold me my first professional bellydance costume, which I still have.

Jewel drilled us hard, and with no AC in her house during the summer, and we were better dancers for it.

We lost contact with Jewel because she literally had mental problems, lashed out against all of us, and we all quit one by one. But I still think about her when I dance, and would still put up with her bs for her to teach me again. Mary and I both would, we still talk about her. When I danced under her, maybe my choreography wasn't as strong, but people responded better to me, and one man, a flamenco dancer told me watching me dance made him fall in love with me. The same man who introduced me to my favorite Spanish restaurant and Santana Row when it was first built. He is long gone in Spain.

Anyway, Mary called me because she wanted a bellydance tape from me, so I went to storage and searched through the old VHS tapes Jewel sold me. Bellydance is popular now, and many people are interested in it thanks to Shakira, but when I started in 2002, which isn't even that long ago, it was still hard to find a good dancer or dance DVDs or dance accessories. So I had to settle for the bad quality VHS tapes she sold me and overcharged me for.

It was funny watching the tapes, because the stuff on it was from the late eighties, early nineties, and the women teaching the moves were wearing those awful eighties fashions and had bad perms.

There was one woman teaching us how to stretch. She was wearing this shiny nude body suit with a bad perm. She had a good body, but with her hairdo, it looked like you'd find her on a brochure for a Great Expectations ad from the early nineties (which I used to get randomly mailed as a kid).

Anyway, she was teaching us how to stretch while doing the splits, and when she was doing the splits, you could kinda see through that suit a little, and it was bad. But I was so busy laughing at her fashion sense that I didn't realize that hey, I should take her advice, and learn something. While that bad body suit is outdated the moves are not.

I also watched old video clips from Egypt of the old legends performing. That was a treat. I almost forgot I had those, they were clips from I would say the 60s or 70s. Old Bellydance Legends that slowly disappeared after the government started cracking down on it, in some cases even paying dancers to stop dancing.

I also watched a clip of the famous dancer Egyptian Lucy, who dances in Cairo, Egypt. She gave the interview back in the 1980s and while I was busy laughing at her perm and talking about "western rock music" like Michael Jackson, I still really love her interview.

Being a bellydancer in Egypt is no easy feat, and looked down as mainly lower class. Especially since the conservative government is cracking down on it. Many poor women twenty years ago and maybe even today dreamed of making it out of their poor neighborhood, and as a bellydancer in night clubs, nice hotels and high-class weddings.

In conclusion, there is a huge bellydance scene here in my area. Lots of teachers, lots of costumes, lots of new bellydance styles, lots of articles written about it, almost anything you could think of.

But things that are hard to find...........

- A traditional Egyptian dancer (luckily we do have one in our area) as most dancers here have no connection to Egypt. My old teacher, Zahra is long gone and the house she used to teach from is no longer hers.

- A good sword dancer to teach you moves

-Bellydance legends, you have to go to Egypt to see that. Once in a blue moon they travel out here, but rarely. Although last September I did meet Tito, who is Egyptian as they come, no English and he was fasting for Ramadan during our lesson. My picture with him is pasted above to the right. Best teacher ever.

Anyway, I am holding onto these tapes until they fade out.

Bellydance is a huge part of who I am as a happy person. I like to write about my experiences because I enjoy going back through the blog and reading about it as time passes by. It has opened me up to staying in shape, learning about the history of the dance, new cultures, and meeting new people. I've tried to learn other forms of dance like Latin Dance, and while I love it, I always find myself going back to putting my coin belt and dance shoes on for another shimmy.

P.S: The pictures above are of me, but the one on the right with the lady in the blue costume is Lucy. You can click on it to get a larger view. She is a class act all around, to me.

The girl in the picture with me with the navy blue dress is my friend Mary after we danced at her friend's wedding. She taught me to sword dance, dulled down my new sword so I wouldn't slice myself, and her mother made a beautiful cover for it. She taught me the importance of sword dancing like I am a diva and God's gift to audiences everywhere on stage, because without confidence, your audience won't stay engaged.

Somehow by the grace of God I had a little tan going on, as I used to work outdoors in car rental.

Okay, that is all for now. I will write more bellydance stories from time to time.

Married Man Attempts Wittiness to Get Into Your Pants

Good Morning Kittens !

As you know, Craigslist is a haven for married dudes on the prowl for pussy. Basically, there is a huge supply of frustrated, underlaid, complaining married dudes and not enough available women willing to satisfy them all.

So our prize below decided that he should be wittier than the rest of the bunch. My "manslation" is in bold.

Title: Married man SALE ! ! ! - Limited time offer !!! - :) Limited meaning until the wifey finds out

Reply to:
Date: 2009-08-03, 8:29PM

For immediate Sale. Please do me immediately.

One married man, slightly used but ready for an affair. If interested, please inquire.


Quantity: 1 Until the wife walks in on us, then you will be dealing with her too.

Gender: Male. Wanna see my penis ? I have a webcam....

Model: Caucasian.

Height: 6'1" Notice I didn't mention my weight. For all you know you could be banging a fat married dude.

Eyes: Big Blue eyes.

Hair: Brown with a receding hairline.

Age: 37

Accessories: With baggage. I will be talking about the wife so much, it'll be like you're dating her too.

Special skills: Puts toilet seat down after use. Decent cook that is a lie, and smells good :)

Training: Self-cleaning I lick my own balls, will open doors for you.

Personality: fun, funny, good listener, loyal. I promise I won't cheat on you with my wife ;) ;)

Known defects: Falls asleep if made to watch life time channel :) What is it with these douchebag smiles after lame remarks ????????

Runs on: Takeout, Italian food, and plain old cheese burgers. Basically sweet cheeks, we'll be eating fast food after sex, because I really don't cook, and I don't want others to see us at restaurants. Plus I will ask you to pay for the takeout because I'm a broke married man.

Compatible with: Female models of various makes and models. I can't be too picky so please have two tits and a heart beat.

Known allergies: Mean and smelly people. Cheating on my wife doesn't count as mean, and my shit doesn't stink either. Sometimes I forget to flush in the bathroom.

Movies: All types I will even watch the Notebook with you as long as you blow me after.

Dinner: preferably with the opposite sex

Languages: English but I don't mind if you come in other languages................

Sex: LOVE IT, and I'm GREAT! Plus a big PLEASER :) You know that's a lie, because obviously the wife isn't even interested in me.

Programmable: yes

Condition: Great

Price: best offer Will bang anyone............

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Hey Pretty Girl, I have a pressy for you under my towel...............

Hello Kittens !

So above is another prize in my area on the prowl for some lady meat. Just look at him. Ready to jump your bones at the drop of a towel.

I mean, he is just being honest with his pictures. When it's your birthday, he will take you out for a special dinner at the Hometown Buffet. It's all you can eat, baby, and plus the staff will sing to you ! What more could you want ? Then when he takes you home, he will expect you to put out, because after all he treated you to dinner and got the staff to sing to you..............

Wouldn't you like to hear what he has to say in his profile ?

I am fun loving, sensitive, honest and understanding. I take the time to really listen and put myself in the other person place. I love all types of music, dancing, I also like to cook, Love Rachael Ray. I am adventurous and I like the outdoors, especially camping, fishing, hiking and romantic walks on moon lit nights. I like scary movies, popcorn and cuddling. I am just looking for some one nice, understanding and that enjoys the same. I am an old fashioned romantic type of guy who still believes in being a gentleman.

Any man that says in his profile that he is sensitive, honest, and understanding, and a good listener, and likes long walks while posing with his shirt off is absolutely full of shit.

That is all for now, kitties..................

Monday, August 3, 2009

Cosmo says you're fat ? I ain't down with that !

Hi My Lovelies,

I hope that you had a fabulous weekend. I was thinking about going to a local art fair to eat, drink and be merry. Last year I went to a fair here where I grew up and bought some fashionable Indian (From India) bracelets and fashions for real cheap. I also ate a lot of food and watched the bellydancers. It was funny because they were doing a routine that I knew the moves to.

But instead I slept in instead and watched TV this weekend. I will try to go to another fair before the summer ends. I already went to the Greek Festival with my friend in June.

While I was chilling out this weekend, I was reading my old guilty pleasure, Cosmopolitan. I haven't been a subscriber for about 5 years now since I was in college. But once in a while I will indulge a little while I am at the hairdresser's or shopping.

I remember why I stopped subscribing................ they pretty much give you the same advice they've been giving for years.

As I was reading this past issue there are a couple of things that I would like to point out.........

1.) Why so many ads for mascara ? To me, most mascaras are pretty much the same. But no, it seems like every company out there has the magic mascara. I will by a cheap mascara from Cover girl and it works just fine as long as you take a Qtip and wipe off the excess makeup so it doesn't get under your eyes. If I am going to shell out dough, I will do it on foundation. I buy Estee Lauder foundation, which is expensive, but it's my complexion we're talking about so I will shell out money for that. Plus, I tend to buy it when free gifts are involved, so everyone wins.

Now they are advertising mascaras with vibrating wands. Seriously, WTF ?????

If I am putting on makeup, I am not putting anything that vibrates near my eyes. Besides, a vibrating wand has a different connotation if you ask me.

2.) Sexual positions. Cosmopolitan claims to have the Holy Grail when it comes to sexual positions and what your man likes best.

Wanna know what I learned ? Men are different. You wanna know what he likes ? Ask him ! Because they will tell you.

I hear the same thing on blogs and TV " I'm a guy, I'm not that picky." Or "us guys are easy, just show up in a thong with a beer" among other cliche lines that involve a word that rhymes with slow mob.

But it really doesn't work that way, men have their preferences too. Maybe he's easy going the first time you get together, but as he gets used to you, then his preferences start kicking in. What one guy claims is the key to his heart or the heart in his pants, does not work on the next guy. No matter what they say in Cosmo or on TV or by some man on his man blog.

Besides, Cosmo just recycles sexual positions. I can't tell you how many times I've seen the following key words in Cosmo editions: Reverse cow-girl, ice cubes, shower, or against the wall.

What's funny is that in the pictures of the models in the shower, the woman's hair is not wet, even though her body is, her makeup is done, and she's wearing jewelry. Wow, seems like I have a lot of work to do in the shower, lol.

And yet I still find myself reading the magazine from time to time.

And before I leave, I am reading my horoscope. As a Sagittarius, the stars are advising me to let go of my "dream guy" expectations this month. Hahaha. That is because an eccentric but boyfriend-worthy man will appear this month in a suprising place.

Basically, I don't have a happening social life right now. I spend almost all my time at work, and at home practicing my dance moves for upcoming performances. So the surprising place he would be appearing would be in my closet. That would really shock me.

Anywho, my loves, it is time for me to go and do something productive.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Marry, F*ck, Kill

Hi Kittens,

Don't you ever wonder what your bf rambles on about with his bros after he gives you a little kiss and you turn your back ?

Anyway, it is the return of the Office Douche ! He really cracks me up.

Don't be 'dickulous !

Like I mentioned earlier, I am a fan of all their other stuff under the Name Reckless Tortuga on YouTube.

I took offense to your Comment, Joe

Hello All,

I would like to address a comment someone made in my journal yesterday. I was told that I must've made up yesterday's "manslation" because no man would really ever write such a thing. To be fair, Joe also said that he's been reading for a few weeks and thought that this entry was funny. So I don't know if he was in disbelief or really did think that I would lie. I did take offense because I do not lie, but I can't be too mad, as I knew that this issue would come up sometime and someone somewhere would question me, plus most readers don't know me personally. People do have a right to ask you where you get your materials.

Either way, I will address this right here, because I do NOT cheat here on my blog or make up ads to make up my own translations to. Or for anything for that matter. Basically, if something is not my original writing or video, I will list the source and tell you where I got it from. I do NOT believe in ripping off stuff from someone else.

The ad was written yesterday by a man in San Francisco. To see the ad for yourself, go to Craigslist, copy the title, and paste it into the "search" button in the personals section in the SF Bay Area and you will get a copy of the ad verbatim without my translation. He is 43 and lives in the Nob Hill area in San Francisco, as that part in the title of the ad didn't get copied in my "manslation" yesterday. The ads are good for 7 days if he doesn't remove it first, and the ad was written yesterday. Also, when you post on Craigslist, your posting is given an anonymous e-mail to respond to, which gets forwarded to your actual e-mail address, so people can write you without knowing your actual e-mail. It's when that person responds to you, that you see his actual address.

Also, if you go back to my entry yesterday, you will see a time stamp and e-mail provided from Craigslist that I copied and pasted as proof. I include that piece of information as proof that this is real. Also, I include that e-mail address in case someone wants to write the guy.

If I get my ads from anywhere else than Craigslist, I will usually tell you where I got it from, such as Yahoo Personals or Plenty Of Fish. Once in while I won't cite my source, but if you have any questions you can e-mail me and I will tell you where I got the ad.

I also wrote the guy for a laugh and have his actual e-mail address and got a response. If you still don't believe me, ask me, I will give you his real e-mail address, then you can hit him up for a date and see what he says, and it won't be me who stops by at your doorstep offering to have your baby.

Anyway, here is the e-mail I sent him yesterday. In the title box, I wrote "Wow"

For the body of the e-mail, I wrote:

Are you always this nosey ? Shouldn't you finesse this information out of women with dinner and drinks first ?

Just a thought.

Here was his response:

Women generally come up with lists like this.

They don't mind being so direct.

Are you interested in dinner and drinks and sharing everything?


Those are his initials, as he did not provide me his actual name. I was shocked out of my mind that he actually thought that women don't mind the direct approach like this. And while a few women do write lists, it's nothing like he makes it out to be.

He actually asked me to dinner and drinks. I did not respond. I would like to tell him that I am really a man and therefore can't get pregnant, and am of no use to him. But I really don't want to respond any further as I am not interested in him.

So there you have it, my loves.

If you have any other questions please feel free to post a comment or e-mail me. Anything we discuss via e-mail will not be posted on my blog to see, of course unless you allow me to. But the reason I called out Joe was because he posted a comment publicly, and he questioned my honesty. When that is questioned, jokingly or not, I will address it because I do take that stuff seriously.

Oh, and Joe, thank you for reading my blog, and welcome.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Nosey Douchebag wants to get you pregnant

Hi Kittens ! Meow !

Like I mentioned in a posting below, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. This man here is appealing to womens' ticking biological clocks. But he is doing that based off bad stereotypes and he is doing such a bad job.

Anywhore, I leave you with the following. As usual, my "manslations" are in bold.

TITLE: Is your biological clock ticking?

Reply to:
Date: 2009-07-31, 8:31PM

If you are 33-37, you are at the right age to start thinking about a baby Apparently I am an expert in impregnating women. If we date, we could date for a year before we get married. Then, we could get you pregnant another year after our honeymoon. I got it all planned out without your input baby, so lets do this.
Your standards were probably pretty high throughout your twenties and early thirties. They are still high I secretly fault women for having standards since I've been rejected my whole life, but you realize that a man who can make a commitment to you is actually the most important criteria – not just his education, finances or genetics. Basically, you are still single, so I am hoping that you will settle for any man that will take you, like me for example.
Commitment means that I know who you really are. You need to come clean and open up with me. I want to know the following:
1. What do you look like? Send me a pic You don't get to know what I look like until I can judge you first. I got teased a lot in high school so it's payback time.
2. Is your mother kind to you and not overly judgmental? I judge women based on their mothers. And I want you to baby me. Don't ask me about my mother, as I have mother issues.
3. Do you have a faith in God? I base my views of women from the Old Testament.
4. Have you ever had an abortion? WOW ! WHAT A COCKNOZZLE* ! Oh no he didn't.......
5. Are you on any kind of psychotropic drugs? I'm bipolar and don't want to mix my drugs up with yours.
6. Are you financially-responsible?
7. Do you have any problems with drugs, alcohol or tobacco?
8. Do you like to read and talk about intellectually-stimulating topics?
9. What kind of music do you like?
10. How often would you want to have sex once we get married?
11. Do you like to exercise? NO FATTIES !
12. Do you have any kind of an eating disorder?
13. Do you love yourself? You have to love yourself since I won't love you
14. What is your most important accomplishment? Basically, babe, since I have some money now and have been rejected so much by women, I am treating this like an audition. So talk about why I should want you.
15. Do you like children? Really? You better like children, since I will be expecting you to care for the children, as I think that throwing money your direction is sufficient enough.
16. What do you do for a living?
17. What is your edueational level? I can't even spell education.
18. What is your IQ?
19. Are you good at math?
20. Do you like poetry? I will recite poetry while we're dating in effort to get into your pants.
If you are serious, then I want to know much more about you. It is my right to ask you douchebag questions, since I have some money.
You probably want to know more about me. I am a white man and somewhat superior, of average height don't ask me about my penis size as I hope my wallet will compensate for that, but I have a beautiful man-face and kind eyes hahahahahahaha. I am smart and empathetic after I verbally demean you I will appologize as to keep the cycle going. I can offer you energy and an excellent source of income. I own property, have retirement savings and am a partner in a firm that is successful despite the economy. I am also on the board of a university and a civic association. Basically babe, it is my right to be a douchenozzle because I have some money and a job.
In marriage, I want a lover for life. We should have fun making and raising babies. I bone you, you raise them. You should be able to handle to rough-patches and be able to keep a sense of humor. That is because I am a difficult man, and you will really need faith in God and a sense of humor to stay married to me.
I will be a good husband I will throw money in your direction and expect you to be greatful, so email me if you are serious about this.

*Cocknozzle: According to Urban Dictionary, this is the useless piece of skin that is cut of the penis in a circumcision.