Finally, some answers................

Hello All,

As you know, there are major changes going on at work. We are moving headquarters, and there are a lot of changes coming in being relocated, different shifts, different hours, and the list goes on.

I have been nervous for the past couple of weeks holding onto my cash for dear life as if it may be my last, and calculating how much longer I could pay rent. I even made a list of the different steps I was going to take and how I would spend my time if I had to look for another job.

So I got off the phone today with my boss and FINALLY got some answers as we had been kept in suspense for the past few weeks.

Turns out I still will have a job, but a lot of changes will be made to my schedule. Screw that, who cares, I still have a job so I am relieved.

Unfortunately others aren't so lucky, and that breaks my heart because I don't wish a job elimination on anyone.

But I saw this coming a while back and got prepared. Anything management needed, I did with a smile. Any extra shifts they needed picked up, I did even if I had plans with friends and had to reschedule with them. I covered shifts, I switched my schedule around no questions asked. I still would. Also, I know how to do different jobs, while some coworkers only know their post and nothing more.

Tough times out there and really I am just trying to survive and take care of myself.

On another note, it's almost been three years since Oma, my grandma in Austria passed away. I've been thinking about her a lot and it kinda hurts. I miss her so much. Been thinking a lot about our time we spent together and how I treated her. You know how grandmas can ramble on and on and on and sometimes it just annoys the everliving shit out of you ? How sometimes they just don't stop asking questions ? Well, she used to get on my nerves. Now three years later I look back and feel so guilty. I never told her to shut up or anything like that. I would get a little snippy, and now I look back and feel guilty. My mom tried to calm me down, and say she annoyed everyone like that and it was part of the Oma experience, and I feel a little better. But sometimes I feel like you can't appreciate someone enough.
I thought I was over it and at peace with it all, but every year, something manages to creep into my psyche and mess with me.

As a defense mechanism, I try not to let things into my life that I can't stand to lose, which has translated into hurdles with developing friendships with others and relationships. I don't think I am a bad friend, it's just hard to reach out to others and seek out company.

But you don't chose family. I usually write a tribute to Oma every year on the day of her death, and I don't know if I really want to on that exact day this year. I just want to go through the motions that day and get through the day.

I need to stop here and get ready for the gym. I need to reduce my "bubble" aka the size of my ass.