Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Finally, some answers................

Hello All,

As you know, there are major changes going on at work. We are moving headquarters, and there are a lot of changes coming in being relocated, different shifts, different hours, and the list goes on.

I have been nervous for the past couple of weeks holding onto my cash for dear life as if it may be my last, and calculating how much longer I could pay rent. I even made a list of the different steps I was going to take and how I would spend my time if I had to look for another job.

So I got off the phone today with my boss and FINALLY got some answers as we had been kept in suspense for the past few weeks.

Turns out I still will have a job, but a lot of changes will be made to my schedule. Screw that, who cares, I still have a job so I am relieved.

Unfortunately others aren't so lucky, and that breaks my heart because I don't wish a job elimination on anyone.

But I saw this coming a while back and got prepared. Anything management needed, I did with a smile. Any extra shifts they needed picked up, I did even if I had plans with friends and had to reschedule with them. I covered shifts, I switched my schedule around no questions asked. I still would. Also, I know how to do different jobs, while some coworkers only know their post and nothing more.

Tough times out there and really I am just trying to survive and take care of myself.

On another note, it's almost been three years since Oma, my grandma in Austria passed away. I've been thinking about her a lot and it kinda hurts. I miss her so much. Been thinking a lot about our time we spent together and how I treated her. You know how grandmas can ramble on and on and on and sometimes it just annoys the everliving shit out of you ? How sometimes they just don't stop asking questions ? Well, she used to get on my nerves. Now three years later I look back and feel so guilty. I never told her to shut up or anything like that. I would get a little snippy, and now I look back and feel guilty. My mom tried to calm me down, and say she annoyed everyone like that and it was part of the Oma experience, and I feel a little better. But sometimes I feel like you can't appreciate someone enough.
I thought I was over it and at peace with it all, but every year, something manages to creep into my psyche and mess with me.

As a defense mechanism, I try not to let things into my life that I can't stand to lose, which has translated into hurdles with developing friendships with others and relationships. I don't think I am a bad friend, it's just hard to reach out to others and seek out company.

But you don't chose family. I usually write a tribute to Oma every year on the day of her death, and I don't know if I really want to on that exact day this year. I just want to go through the motions that day and get through the day.

I need to stop here and get ready for the gym. I need to reduce my "bubble" aka the size of my ass.


Liam said...

Pity, I like a big ass.

Angela said...

Ach liebe Kleine, sei nicht traurig! Deine Oma schaut Dir vom Himmel aus zu, und freut sich dass Du ein gutes Leben hast. Sie war nie beleidigt ueber das was Du gesagt hast, sie hat ja gewusst dass sie manchmal zu viel geredet hat. Ja, es ist schmerzt noch immer dass sie jetzt schon weg ist, und es ist sehr natuerlich, diese Gefuehle zu haben - aber bitter Du musst verstehen, dass die Oma nie und nimmer wollte (oder will) dass Du Dich so schuldig fuehlst. Sie war deine Oma und hat dich durch und durch geliebt.

So, und mach Dir keine Sorgen wegen Deinem Hintern, der schaut ja eh so gut aus.

Tausend Bussi!

So und was ist dein neuere schedule?

Random Esquire said...

I'm pleased to hear that you will have a job - what a great relief that must have been and a bitter-sweet one to know that others were not so lucky.

I wanted to say that I read your comment on CMC's blog: "It's YOUR Facebook account and blog. AND your child, which you are raising without his help. I think you should do what YOU want."

And I wanted to say to you - AMEN.


* Ashleigh * said...

PRAISE BABY JESUS!! I'm so excited for you and glad you can relax a bit! You have been working your ass off and I'm glad you're going to still have a job. Bummer for those that are going to join the millions that are unemployed; at the same time they had the same opportunities as you to learn more than one aspect of their job title.

We must get together to celebrate!

As for your Oma, I remember when we were talking about it DK (Capitola Collision)and how much you were struggling with her death. She was and still is a very positive role model in your life, and you were able to give her a proper farewell by going to Austria. You'll always have her in your heart :)