Saturday, August 1, 2009

Nosey Douchebag wants to get you pregnant

Hi Kittens ! Meow !

Like I mentioned in a posting below, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. This man here is appealing to womens' ticking biological clocks. But he is doing that based off bad stereotypes and he is doing such a bad job.

Anywhore, I leave you with the following. As usual, my "manslations" are in bold.

TITLE: Is your biological clock ticking?

Reply to:
Date: 2009-07-31, 8:31PM

If you are 33-37, you are at the right age to start thinking about a baby Apparently I am an expert in impregnating women. If we date, we could date for a year before we get married. Then, we could get you pregnant another year after our honeymoon. I got it all planned out without your input baby, so lets do this.
Your standards were probably pretty high throughout your twenties and early thirties. They are still high I secretly fault women for having standards since I've been rejected my whole life, but you realize that a man who can make a commitment to you is actually the most important criteria – not just his education, finances or genetics. Basically, you are still single, so I am hoping that you will settle for any man that will take you, like me for example.
Commitment means that I know who you really are. You need to come clean and open up with me. I want to know the following:
1. What do you look like? Send me a pic You don't get to know what I look like until I can judge you first. I got teased a lot in high school so it's payback time.
2. Is your mother kind to you and not overly judgmental? I judge women based on their mothers. And I want you to baby me. Don't ask me about my mother, as I have mother issues.
3. Do you have a faith in God? I base my views of women from the Old Testament.
4. Have you ever had an abortion? WOW ! WHAT A COCKNOZZLE* ! Oh no he didn't.......
5. Are you on any kind of psychotropic drugs? I'm bipolar and don't want to mix my drugs up with yours.
6. Are you financially-responsible?
7. Do you have any problems with drugs, alcohol or tobacco?
8. Do you like to read and talk about intellectually-stimulating topics?
9. What kind of music do you like?
10. How often would you want to have sex once we get married?
11. Do you like to exercise? NO FATTIES !
12. Do you have any kind of an eating disorder?
13. Do you love yourself? You have to love yourself since I won't love you
14. What is your most important accomplishment? Basically, babe, since I have some money now and have been rejected so much by women, I am treating this like an audition. So talk about why I should want you.
15. Do you like children? Really? You better like children, since I will be expecting you to care for the children, as I think that throwing money your direction is sufficient enough.
16. What do you do for a living?
17. What is your edueational level? I can't even spell education.
18. What is your IQ?
19. Are you good at math?
20. Do you like poetry? I will recite poetry while we're dating in effort to get into your pants.
If you are serious, then I want to know much more about you. It is my right to ask you douchebag questions, since I have some money.
You probably want to know more about me. I am a white man and somewhat superior, of average height don't ask me about my penis size as I hope my wallet will compensate for that, but I have a beautiful man-face and kind eyes hahahahahahaha. I am smart and empathetic after I verbally demean you I will appologize as to keep the cycle going. I can offer you energy and an excellent source of income. I own property, have retirement savings and am a partner in a firm that is successful despite the economy. I am also on the board of a university and a civic association. Basically babe, it is my right to be a douchenozzle because I have some money and a job.
In marriage, I want a lover for life. We should have fun making and raising babies. I bone you, you raise them. You should be able to handle to rough-patches and be able to keep a sense of humor. That is because I am a difficult man, and you will really need faith in God and a sense of humor to stay married to me.
I will be a good husband I will throw money in your direction and expect you to be greatful, so email me if you are serious about this.

*Cocknozzle: According to Urban Dictionary, this is the useless piece of skin that is cut of the penis in a circumcision.


MindyMom said...

GREAT manslation! Perfect. And love cocknozzle. Gonna have to start using that one.

LL said...

Damn... and I thought my profile was well thought out and reasonable... ;)

Oh... blame Charm.

Scarlet said...

"I bone you, you raise them!" That line should be in a book! :)

Loving Annie said...

Now I remember why I like being single :)

Angela said...

I feel like a broken record, but goodness, when you are good, you are just good!

You are right, this cannot be made up, and I am amazed of some of the things people think and do.

Anyhow, thanks for a belly aching laugh - your interpretations are priceless.

don't need reality shows - just need to read your blog!

Joe said...

Okay. I've have been reading your blog for a few weeks and thought I would never have to comment.

I have to step in here : YOU MUST HAVE MADE THIS UP!

How in the world could this guy write that?

And I better not find out that some misguided person responded to it.

They should not be breeding.

Funny, Funny stuff.

Anonymous said...

Do you have copy writer for so good articles? If so please give me contacts, because this really rocks! :)

Anonymous said...

very usful, thanx a lot for this blog ..... This was exactly what I was looking for.

Anonymous said...

Sorry for my bad english. I would like to get updated with you new posts as I love to read your blog. Add me to your mailing list if you have any.