Sunday, September 24, 2006

Hello there my lovelies,

Today was a nice day outside. After dance practice I walked to the library. I went to look at books and videos on Border Patrol. That did not go well. There were a lot of books and DVDs I wanted to check out that were supposedly available. But when I looked for them, they were no where to be found. I couldn't find one book that I wanted, especially since the computer said they were on the shelves. I was pissed. But I did get some stuff on Amazon. Gotta love that place.

Dance practice was fun. I felt a little out of it, but at least I got some exercise. My friend and I worked on our routine that we wanna do next month. Then we bitched about men. Haha.

Anyway, I am gonna stop here because I don't have much left to write.


Thursday, September 21, 2006

2006 is Definitely Interesting

Hello again,

Okay, I am gonna vent. I failed my border patrol exam. I am not afraid to say it, but that doesn't take away from the fact that it still sucks.

I got too nervous on the logical reasoning section and spent too much time on some questions. I was also thrown off because I wasn't allowed to write on the paper booklets like I've been accustomed to my whole test taking career. The questions were lengthy and I got too nervous because I couldn't think out all the details in my head.

The Spanish portion of the exam was easier and I had a lot of time left over. They shoulda let me use the extra time to go back and finish the logical portion of the test.

I flew all the way out here, took a day off and missed work and I failed. I even prepared as much as I could. You can't really study for the test. But I now know I need to learn to think quicker.

It's not all negative though. I am coming back. Yes, I feel like a total friggin' idiot, but a lot of people walked out with me because we failed. I am not the only one. I can take this as many times as I need to. I've heard of agents that failed three times.

If anything, this is making me stronger. Fuck no I am not giving up. I want a job in this field.

This year has not been good. I've lost some grandparents, almost lost someone in my immediate family (can't mention who it is because I was asked not to). Not to mention relationships. Don't get me wrong. I've had some good dates. But untimately it didn't work out or I got figuratively slapped in the face royally. One after the other.

Job prospects have also been bad. I've either failed the exams, or I don't have experience. Or I can't find enough info on the positions. Oh, or I bombed the interview so bad that I refuse to talk to my friends about it.

This year I've failed and made so many mistakes. I hope that things look better next year. I really do. I know I am not an idiot. I just wish I were a quicker thinker and more self confident. But I know that will come in time.

I feel like so much is going on and I can't really get a good grip on it. Just a lot going on. I feel like I am trying to better myself, but I need to relax more and be more patient.

But on a better note, I can honestly say that I discovered who my real friends are. I've had a lot of support from people I would have never expected. Mary, my dance partner is one of them. Henry flew all the way out here from NYC to visit me. I also reconnected with people I haven't seen in like 10 years.

I feel that this year I've improved a lot of relationships and connected with a lot more people. I also feel stronger as a person. All this rejection and failed relationship/job business is making me not give a shit about the small stuff anymore.

However, I hope that next year no one gets sick or dies on me, and that I'll find a career I am in love with.


Sunday, September 17, 2006

A nice Sunday

Hello there my lovelies,

Today was nice. I practiced dance for a couple of hours. I like dancing alone. I get time to think and be creative. I felt rusty on some of the moves because I haven't been practicing as much, but I hope to start practicing more. My friend joined me later and we worked on our routines together. We're hoping to dance together next month.

Yesterday I performed at the Desert Dance Festival in downtown San Jose with my troupe. I was a little nervous, probably due to the fact that I didn't eat breakfast that morning and that I didn't practice the night before. My friend came and watched but she said that I need to have more attititude and sassiness on stage. I didn't feel it was my finest moment, but it also wasn't bad either. I was just pissed that they scheduled us to dance so early. I was hoping to perform at night when more people are around. The pics of me above are of my makeup for the performance as well as me enjoying the Car Art exhibition downtown afterward.

I went out shopping today with a friend of mine and we had lunch. I devoured the food and then some desert. Then we came back to my place and watched Ace Ventura. I've watched that movie a million times and I still love it.

All in all, I had a nice day, and I am sorry that I have to go back to the daily grind of car rental and pissed off people tommorow.


Friday, September 15, 2006

My Oma's funeral

Hello Everyone,

It's been exactly one week since the funeral. The ceremony was so beautiful. It was closed casket. No one carried the casket. Instead, they slowly rolled in on wheels to her grave. While they rolled the casket and we walked, Mozart was playing. It was beautiful and so sad. I cried and let the tears roll down my face. I remember when I was in the same cemetary with my grandma visiting my grandpa's grave. Now she is under the ground next to him.

So many people came to her funeral. It was nice to see that so many people loved my grandma, and I realized how lucky I was that she was my grandma. She used to help mentally handicapped patients and I saw a couple of them at her funeral. Her boyfriend is now going to take care of them, but I know that they miss her. How could they not.

I am so glad that I went to her funeral. It was my chance to say a proper goodbye to her and it was healing for me to put a rose on her casket. I dressed my best for her and wore her black scarf. I wanted her to know that I love her so much and that I hope I will see her again somehow.

I 've been thinking about her a lot, and I really want to live my life like her. I saw her pictures when she was younger and she was always smiling in the pictures. She was spunky and loved life, despite all the hardships she faced. She also loved my grandpa so much. After he passed away she eventually found Toni, her partner for the rest of her life. She was so happy around him. She was not afraid to fall in love. She always asked me if I had a boyfriend because she wanted me to experience love, like she did.

I hope to be active like she was. She volunteered her time with the mentally challenged, and the mountains. On the mountains she cooked meals for people hiking that stopped by to purchase a meal. I also loved that she traveled all over the world. She had so many friends.

But one thing I realized was that she made such an effort to be in our lives. She flew over here so many times to visit my mom, brother and me. I was looking at my baby pictures and she was holding me and smiling. She made sure I knew she was there for me. The nicest thing she did for me was send me to a German language school so that I could learn proper German so that I could communicate with her.

I wish I could hear her say my name once more or just one more laugh. I dreamed about her last night and it was so real. It was nice to see her again. It's the only way I can see her now.

I am okay with God taking her but I can't help wishing that I could have been there even five minutes before her death. I just wanted the chance to hug her and tell her I love her. Her death made me realize that our time is limited. I just wish I had the chance to say goodbye.


Friday, September 8, 2006

In Austria

Hello there my lovelies,

Today was the funeral. I have lots to write about it but I will save it for later because I have pictures.

I am still heartbroken over her death. It happened so suddenly. Last week she was alive and laughing. I would have never imagined that I would be here in Austria again so soon. I wish I could just get over it, but I know it takes time. I really loved her.

Last time I saw her was in June last year. She dropped me off at the Munich airport. Before then we went to her apartment and her house where she lived with her boyfriend. This time I flew into Munich alone. I walked by the restaurant that we had our last meal together at. That was sad.Visiting her apartment was very hard. When I went to where she lived with her boyfriend I saw her car there in the driveway as well as her shoes in the hall and her cellphone on the table. Her cell service still has to be cancelled.

It dawned on me while I was in all of these places that she is not traveling somewhere. She is never coming back. I will never see her again. She used to scold me for touching her things. Now I am touching them and I wish she were here to yell at me to stop.

The memorial service and the funeral were both beautiful. I cried so much. I wore my lilac Calvin Klein suit and favorite shoes. It was my last chance to look good for her and be there for her. I saw so many people that loved her. We all had one common denominator: a wonderful woman that lived her live to the fullest. She lived and loved and was always happy. The new quote on my blog is something she used to tell my mother growing up.

God really blessed me by giving her to me as a grandmother.

Friday, September 1, 2006

More on my grandma

Hello Everyone,

Dealing with my grandma's death is harder than I thought. She was 71. That's still too young to go in my family.

At work I deal with a lot of people. It's hard to talk to old ladies. Some of them have the same gestures as my grandma. Some smile the way my grandma did. Some show the same kindness to me in a sentence. Calling me sweetheart brings a tear to my eye. It's simple things that set me off. Watching an older woman walk around and think out loud totally reminds me of her. I loved how she called herself an old woman, when she totally coulda passed as being my mother.

Everytime I went to Austria I could count on my grandma being around and asking me questions slowly in German as to make sure I understood correctly. Sandra, do you have a boyfriend ? Sandra, can you cook ? Now I am going back to bury her and realize that I am glad I took the opportunity to visit her when I could.

I bought a plane ticket to fly and attend her funeral. It's the least I could do for her. I am not looking forward to the trip. It's very short, and I am gonna face a lot of sadness that I just don't want to face. I don't want to see her body with no life. But I want to be with my aunts and cousins and I want to put this pain to rest. And I believe this will help me heal.

I just hope that she knows that I loved her very much. I know she loved me.