Okay, I am gonna vent. I failed my border patrol exam. I am not afraid to say it, but that doesn't take away from the fact that it still sucks.
I got too nervous on the logical reasoning section and spent too much time on some questions. I was also thrown off because I wasn't allowed to write on the paper booklets like I've been accustomed to my whole test taking career. The questions were lengthy and I got too nervous because I couldn't think out all the details in my head.
The Spanish portion of the exam was easier and I had a lot of time left over. They shoulda let me use the extra time to go back and finish the logical portion of the test.
I flew all the way out here, took a day off and missed work and I failed. I even prepared as much as I could. You can't really study for the test. But I now know I need to learn to think quicker.
It's not all negative though. I am coming back. Yes, I feel like a total friggin' idiot, but a lot of people walked out with me because we failed. I am not the only one. I can take this as many times as I need to. I've heard of agents that failed three times.
If anything, this is making me stronger. Fuck no I am not giving up. I want a job in this field.
This year has not been good. I've lost some grandparents, almost lost someone in my immediate family (can't mention who it is because I was asked not to). Not to mention relationships. Don't get me wrong. I've had some good dates. But untimately it didn't work out or I got figuratively slapped in the face royally. One after the other.
Job prospects have also been bad. I've either failed the exams, or I don't have experience. Or I can't find enough info on the positions. Oh, or I bombed the interview so bad that I refuse to talk to my friends about it.
This year I've failed and made so many mistakes. I hope that things look better next year. I really do. I know I am not an idiot. I just wish I were a quicker thinker and more self confident. But I know that will come in time.
I feel like so much is going on and I can't really get a good grip on it. Just a lot going on. I feel like I am trying to better myself, but I need to relax more and be more patient.
But on a better note, I can honestly say that I discovered who my real friends are. I've had a lot of support from people I would have never expected. Mary, my dance partner is one of them. Henry flew all the way out here from NYC to visit me. I also reconnected with people I haven't seen in like 10 years.
I feel that this year I've improved a lot of relationships and connected with a lot more people. I also feel stronger as a person. All this rejection and failed relationship/job business is making me not give a shit about the small stuff anymore.
However, I hope that next year no one gets sick or dies on me, and that I'll find a career I am in love with.