Friday, December 29, 2006

Happy Anniversary to me !

Hello there my lovelies,

Okay, so today is my third anniversary here in J-Land. I started it in my last semester of college during winter break. Gosh, how I miss those days. I got to get up, lounge around and watch TV all day. Anyway, at the time I was working as a waitress at Red Lobster and researching/planning my trip to Spain.

When I started it, I didn't think that I would continue to write for this long. I thought that it would be something I started out of boredom, but quit. But I am still here.

I don't know how many readers I have. I know that there are a couple of people that read and comment, which I really apppreciate. Most people though may read, but never comment. I am that way myself. I wonder how many people have been following my journal and what they think. I am grateful to everyone that's stopped by and taken interest.

I was chosen for AOL Journal of the Week in June 2005, but I haven't been nominated nor have I won anything since. In order for me to do that, I would need more graphics and colors on my page at the very least.  I am very bad at that. I would also need to write more thought-provoking entries. Let's face it. Most of my entries are about my daily activities, and I am writing to wind down, not win awards.

The thing that keeps me writing here, is that it's a form of therapy for me, and it is something for me to go back and reflect on later. Either that, or go back and think to myself "Now what the HELL was I thinking??" Though I love having readers and their comments, it doesn't determine whether I stay or not.

Anyway, that's all for me. Yay for turning three !!


Thursday, December 28, 2006

Secret Pimp

Hello there my lovelies,

Okay, so Christmas is over, but remember Secret Santa ? Well, I am gonna play the role of Secret Pimp, or in this case (cuz I'm a chick) a Pimptress, or a Pimpette, or whatever the hell you wanna call it.

Okay, moving along................

I was so bored the other day and decided to venture out onto my J-Land Friends' pages and see their friends' journals.

Winivere (The Glass Box) has a long list of friends, so I just started clicking away and reading. I came upon Demandnlilchit who's name is Kim. Her catch phrase is "I shaved my legs for this ?" Here is a link to her journal :

This woman is amazing. She won 3 Vivi Awards, and she so deserved them all. She was diagnosed with cancer this year, and has wrote about her experiences in the journal. She has had to put up such a fight, and she is so brave for letting us in on her darkest moments. I think it is so important that people see how cancer destroys lives.

But the part that makes this journal the best and wins her the Vivi awards is her attitude. She has a great attitude and sense of humor about it. She's not hiding anything and she's not pretending either. She has a great attitude and is brutally honest.

It also scared the bejeesus out of me because she mentioned that she was healthy a few months before her diagnosis. And it can happen to all of us. I am in my mid twenties and I am used to feeling invincible. I can't imagine what I would do if cancer hit me. With all diseases running in my family, I can't afford to miss out on my checkups. When you read her journal you will be scared straight into the doctors office.This woman is really pretty and it broke my heart to read that she had to lose a breast and her hair. But when you look at her pictures, you can't tell. Her true beauty shines through.

This journal humbled me in so many ways. I realized that I still have a lot to learn in life. I am in my mid twenties now, but I still haven't experienced many things that most women go through and struggle with. I have such a long way to go. I thought I had it rough, but after reading her journal I thanked God for my health. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Winivere also has a great journal. She was nominated for the Vivi Awards. Her journal not only has substance, but she maintains it really well with creative graphics and pictures, which is also important in a contest. I like that she uses a lot of quotes. The metaphors she uses to describe herself are great.

When I read her journal I feel like I could relate her. She is a person of substance, and I appreciate that.

Anyway, all this pimping is tiring me out, so I will go now. Ciao Ciao.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

If you are not a MySpace whore like me...........

Hello there,

Okay, so I found this little clip on MySpace. It is so cute, especially because I love birds of any kind.

So, here it is.........

Pass it along...........

Welcome to the new edition of getting to know your friends. Okay here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun!  Just copy (do not forward) this entire e-mail and paste into a new e-mail that you can send.  Change all the answers so that they apply to you.  Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you.  Some of you may get this several times that means you have lots of friends.
1. What is your occupation?  Reception/Security
2. What color are your socks right now? Not wearing any right now
3. What are you listening to right now?   Just me typing
4. What was the last thing that you ate?  Chocolate fudge that was given to me over Christmas
5. Can you drive a stick shift?   I learned it when I started driving, but I suck at it.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Yellow. A box of crayons isn't a box of crayons without yellow.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone?  Henry
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes. I love her journal too :)
9. Favorite drink:  Nestea Iced Tea
10. What is your favorite sport to watch?   Dancing and figure skating
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes. I was once blonde. That was awful. This year I dyed it red.
12. Favorite curse word?  Fuck-a-duck
13. Any Pets?   I wish I had dogs
14. Favorite food?  I love Spanish food.
15. What was the last movie you watched?   Borat
16. Favorite day of the year?  Thanksgiving has been special
17. What do you do to vent anger? I like to dance, cry, eat chocolate or write in my blog.
18. What was your favorite toy as a child? I liked the My Little Pony
19. What is your favorite Fall or Spring?  I prefer Fall, but I also like Spring because that means that summer is coming.
20. Cherry or Blueberry? Blueberry
21.  Do you want your friends to email you back?  No, I want them to ignore me................
22.  Who is most likely to respond?  I have no idea. 
23. Who is least likely to respond?  Good question. See above.
24. Living arrangements?  I live in a house with a roommate
25. When was the last time you cried?  I don't really remember, and I prefer to keep it that way.
26. What is on the floor of your closet?  Clothes
27.   Who is the friend that you've had the longest, that you are sending this to?  I've never been a friend of forwarding.
28. What did you do last night?  Went food shopping
29.  Favorite Smells?  I like the smell of fresh paper, thanks to my mother. I also love certain perfumes. I also love strong colognes on men.
30. What inspires you?  Bellydance, seeing other women do it, and listening to others' success stories.
31. What are you afraid of?  I am afraid that I will still have an entry level job, be in debt and living with a roommate by the time I am middle aged. That would kill me. I am also afraid that I will keep on meeting Mr. Wrong. I am not afraid of being single, but I don't want to keep meeting the wrong people. But the first one is scarier.
32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?  Plain
33. Country you would most like to visit? Holland
34 Favorite dog breed?   Beagle
35. Number of keys on your key ring? I am not about to walk all the way downstairs to find out.
36. How many years at your current job?  Less than one.
37. Favorite day of the week? I love Saturdays.
38. How many states have you lived in?  Three, but I only consider California.
39. Favorite holiday? Thanksgiving 
40. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery?  No
41. Favorite Must See TV Show?  Desperate Housewives.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

My Xmas Weekend

Hello there my lovelies,

I just have to say that I had a lovely Christmas holiday. Once again I was blessed to visit my grandma and grandpa. I also saw my aunt and cousin and their babies. My cousin is married to a Greek man, and together they had three huge kids. Even the baby is huge. I got to hold the 9 month old. He was so cute and just looked at me with those big eyes and smiled. I really couldn't have asked for a better family.

I went to the church service on Christmas Eve. I usually don't like going to church, but my aunt was singing a solo and I also wanted to go with my grandparents. I also really liked singing the carols. I haven't sung Christmas songs in a while.

I am really not a big fan of Christmas, but I enjoyed the Christmas decorations and the food my grandma made. My grandma makes the best chicken wings ever !! I ate a lot. My father eats 40-50 wings when he visits. Go dad !

My brother came up with me, and it was nice to talk to him. We rarely ever see each other and it was nice to catch up.

I just felt worn out and beat up by the real world, and it was nice to go to a place where I felt loved. My grandma never fails to hug me and tell me that she loves me. I feel like a lot has been taken away from me growing up and I feel like my grandparents are there to give me love and make me feel special.

I feel blessed everytime I go up there because I realize that God let me spend another year with them.

That's all I had to say. Now it's back to the daily grind of work and bill paying.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

My journal

Hello there my lovelies,

Okay, so I have been thinking about keeping a more private journal lately. There is a lot of stuff that I don't write about here. I try to keep my relationship stuff or frustrations with men out of it, but occasionally I slip and you see an entry or two. I wish I would just let it out somewhere else. But the more I think about it, I think it's better that some things remain private.

I have been thinking about leaving AOL and starting a new journal elsewhere. But I don't know about that either. I've been with AOL for 7 years and had this journal for three. I feel like I invested a lot of time here. Plus, I don't know if I would write there regularly anymore. I also forgot to mention that I definitely don't want to lose 3 years worth of entries.

Anyway, today is Saturday and I am supposed to be working at my other job, renting cars. But I am not feeling well, so I will just stay in bed and hope that I get better.  I could really use the extra money, but I also need to be healthy, and I need some rest.

Okay, I will end this for now.



Friday, December 22, 2006

Last entry continued.....

Hello there my lovelies,

I can't believe that Christmas is around the corner. Then New Years. I had a lot of new experiences this year. I think it's safe to say that I lived rather than just exist. I'm not necessarily happy that 2006 is coming to an end, but I am happy that 2007 will be a brand new start. This year was just more intense than the rest, and I feel that I got a bigger dose of reality. 2006 humbled me and made me realize that I should count my blessings instead of cry over my shortcomings.

Partly based on my list of experiences in my last entry, here are some of my hopes and goals for 2007.

1.) Pay off my student loans.

2.) Retake the Border Patrol Exam, TSA exam, and take the CBP exam for the first time.

3.) Continue yoga, and become more flexible.

4.) Move out.

5.) Get promoted at my new job.

6.) Start paying down my debt.

7.) Start paying into my 401K again. I'm gonna need drug money when I'm a senior.

8.) Start saving for a vacation. I would really like to plan a vacation abroad. I really want to see Amsterdam (especially the Anne Frank House)

9.) Stop talking to Brad and Ernie. They know who they are and I think I've dedicated way too many entries to bitching about them.

Of course there is more, but this is just an idea what I would like to do. I will be updating this journal as 2007 approaches, of course. How could I not ? December 29th will be my 3 year anniversary here in J-Land.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

My thoughts................

Hello there my lovelies,

Happy Sunday !! I did absolutely nothing today. It's nice to take a day off once a week to just be lazy. I lounged around for a while in bed this morning, and then I had breakfast with my mother, who I haven't seen in months. I spent the rest of the day sleeping and surfing online. I am really addicted to the internet, kinda like when I had a television.

I had a huge breakfast with my mom. I had two belgian waffles with butter and syrup. I should've just hooked myself up to an IV full of lard. We talked a lot about my Oma and basically relived the funeral. ( My grandma on my mother's side). I love her so much, and it still hurts that she died so suddenly. This was the first death that hit me hard. Going to her funeral helped me deal with reality and helped me move on.  I decided there that I was going to shed all my tears there in Austria and come back home and not dwell on it anymore. And I haven't cried about it since. Sometimes I feel like I am about to, but I can't. So I just write about it. I was really blessed to have a woman like her as my grandma.

I used to love to go to Austria and spend time with her. Now my aunt must sell her apartment which has been in the family for years. My mom grew up there and I spent time there. And now we have to sell it, and I can't bear the fact that if I walk by it again in the future, there will be someone new living there. I guess I am sentimental.

Austria just isn't the same without her. I'm not as excited to go back as I was when I went to see her. I still have family there (my aunt and my cousins are the greatest) but it just won't be the same without Oma. All I can do is hope that she's still with me in spirit. She has to be because I still have dreams about her.

December 29th will be my 3rd anniversary here in J-Land. Writing and pouring my heart out here is therapeutical for me. I don't get very many comments anymore, but I know that people that I don't know read it. Maybe they can identify with me, maybe they just want to read another person's point of view.

This year is coming to an end, and I am mixed about it. I really feel that I really took a step forward. There is a long list of things that I did this year as well as my "firsts" Here are some of them.

1.) I became completely independent, 100%. I'm being very vague here, but those of you who know me personally know exactly what I mean.

2.)Finally got an idea of my passion/s in life. I had been struggling with that for so long.

3.) I took the Border Patrol Exam/ TSA exam. Though I failed, I now know how to correct it. I also got the ball rolling in volunteer work that interests me.

4.) I lost a grandmother and a grandfather

5.) I got a new career ( after months of searching)

6.) I performed my sword routine for the first time

7.) I performed at Rakassah AND Desert Dance festival ( big events for anyone in the bellydance world)

8.) I got lasik surgery on my eyes.

9.) I repierced my ears and looked fabulous at the Christmas Party this year.

10.) I started yoga and joined a gym.

Some of these things seem trivial, but I listed them because they have meaning for me. And there are more things that are just too personal to list. It is so easy for me to compare myself to others and beat myself up. How come I don't have a lucrative career ? How come everyone I know is married/  But I have to realize that I made a lot of improvements this year. It took a lot of guts and courage for me to get through this year.


Saturday, December 16, 2006

Gripes about searching for a new roommate

(I cross-posted this in MySpace.)

Hello there,

Okay, so I am trying to find a new place and I have consulted Craigs List every day. Here are some things that I am tired of:

1.) People that can't spell or write. You would think that these posters never learned proper punctuation, spelling, capitalization. Makes the person look like a total moron, and probably wouldn't be capable of preventing the house from burning down.

2.) People that don't post pictures of the place. Chances are if there isn't a picture, it is probably a shithole.

3.) People that fail to mention that I would also be living with their CHILDREN. No offense, but I don't want to worry if my lifestyle is PG enough for little Johnny.

4.) People that want me to pay a lot of money for the room but won't let me cook, bring people over or store anything.

5.) People that post pictures of a room, but when I actually see the place, I come to find out that it's not the room I would be renting. WTF ????? That's false advertising.

6.) Advertising a garage reformed into a bedroom as a master bedroom. Now that's recockulous.

7.) Oh, I also forgot to mention that I hate it when PEOPLE TYPE LIKE THIS. MAKES ME FEEL LIKE THEY'RE YELLING AT ME. Relax people, I'm a nice rational person. We can work this out.

I need my own place really bad.

Yoga and Bellydance

Hello there my lovelies,

I recently took up yoga, and I bought a new yoga mat yesterday. I started it to help me dance better. All of the bellydance teachers or performers that I admire and respect also do yoga. Anyone ever hear of Rachael Brice from Bellydance Superstars ? That woman is amazing and she can move. She studies yoga. My dance teacher who is very beautiful also does it.

 As you know, yoga is not a high impact form of exercise, it works on your flexibility and posture, your breathing and it relaxes you. All those things are important in bellydance. Posture is number one, because if you don't keep your back straight and pelvis tucked then you're gonna injure your back. (Believe me, it really does hurt when you dance the wrong way). Next is breathing properly so that you can dance for long periods of time without getting cramps.

The thing I realized about yoga is that it's more of a journey, kinda like bellydance. You don't compete with anyone, everyone is different, and everyone goes on their journey in a different manner. And I have a long way to go.

The most difficult thing for me to master in yoga is the breathing. I know it sounds so simple, but I am still trying to get my breathing pattern right. Simply straightening my back and bending at the side is also hard for me, because I have had bad posture for so long. But the key is to keep doing it, because it will get better.

I take yoga at the gym I go to, but now that the holidays are here, the schedule is messed up. So, I go when I can.

Anyway, that's all for now. Ciao Ciao.


Friday, December 15, 2006

Rant about my roommate.

Well hello there my lovelies,

OMG, I seriously don't like the process of moving out. It is a pain in the padded ass. I just can't find a place that I would be really comfortable with. I think it's because I am nervous about living with new people.

I like my current home. It's in a nice neighborhood, it's on the hill, it's quiet, I never see my roommate, and I currently have a bathroom to myself. I don't really want to move, but my roommate is being an ass. No wait, he is acting like a bitch.

I realized that I avoid him like the plague when he's in the house. I am always in my room. And if I am in the kitchen when I hear him, I stop whatever I am doing and run upstairs. He probably wonders why the hell I left the light on in the kitchen with food out. He probably thinks I was being irresponsible, but he doesn't realize that I just don't want to talk to him.  I think part of him realizes it.

I love (NOT) how he always reminds me not to scratch his countertops in the kitchen, not to eat on his furniture, and to clean up stains on the carpet. He will pick out the smallest little stains and make a big deal out of it. Sometimes they're not even mine. He once picked a stain UNDER the futon. WTF?? I don't eat under his furniture.

When I cook, he makes me open the garage door, the back door in the kitchen and open up all the windows in the kitchen. You know how cold it is during the winter ? And climbing on the countertop above the kitchen sink is dangerous. And he just doesn't care.

My favorite is now that my other roommate moved out, he is putting away his dishes so I can't use them. It's not about the dishes. I just think it's so obvious that he doesn't want me there. What's funny is that he started wrapping them to put them away, but he hasn't finished. This was two weeks ago, and his dishes are still sitting out there all over the place.

Oh, and I also love how after my last roommate moved out, he won't let me keep my shoes in the front walkway. (He enters through the garage) We have a huge shoe rack in the front, but he still wants me to keep them in the garage. The garage is dark( the lights don't work), and I stepped in a puddle of water to get something the other day. That is the one rule I am *gasp* disobeying. He can kiss my big white ass.

Yes, I am not perfect. I have left dishes in the sink, and crumbs on the floor a few times. And yes, I have also left my shoes a messin the front walkway. However, I always cleaned up after myself when he asked me to.

But I also think that he should be a little easy on me once in a while. I didn't complain when he brought a girl over and she used my hair dryer and maxi pads. (Shouldn't some things be sacred ?) I didn't complain when our microwave broke and he wouldn't fix it. Over the summer he wouldn't let me keep a trash can in the kitchen, It is now fucking WINTER, and he still doesn't want a trash can in the kitchen. And I didn't fuss over that.

He won't talk to me and have a decent conversation. He won't actually come out and talk to me about things that are bothering him. He lets it fester. He leaves his door open in his room open and waits for me to come out so he can pounce on me, instead of having the decency to talk to me once in a while.

He really does not want a roommate. He just wants help with the rent. I am tired of him giving me a look when I am downstairs watching a movie on his futon.

He has to have some knowlege that I think he is being unreasonable. Well, if he doesn't know by the time I move out, I will be sure to tell him to his face. I have had enough.



Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Mid Week Ramblings

Hello there,

Well, I feel better after writing the last entry. I really don't think about it anymore.

I also got off my ass and practiced dance on Sunday. It was a good workout. And on Monday I exercised. I felt so much better after doing that. I really believe that bellydance is a tool that God gave me to boost my self confidence. I should be going to the gym again today for my yoga class. The instructor was sick on Monday, so I hope that she's there tonight.

I am still on a mission to move out of my current house. I have been looking like crazy, but it's hard to find a place that I am really comfortable with. I finally found about three different places that I would like, but I haven't heard back from any of the owners, despite my emails. It's frustrating, because I just want to get this over with. I really don't like moving. Luckily I don't have very many things.

Anyway, I am gonna end this here. I really feel lethargic right now. The weather outside does not make me feel all warm and fuzzy. I want the sun to come out again.

Friday, December 8, 2006

One of those days.

Hello there,

I am writing this entry as a form of therapy. I don't feel like talking to anyone about it. It wouldn't make me feel better, but writing about it would. So, here I am.

Today is just one of those days. It's dark and gloomy outside. I also feel invisible. I have times where I feel like I am on top of the world and moving forward. (Last week, for example) This week I feel like I've taken a couple of steps back. Especially since I am looking for a place all over again. I have so many bills this month that came up unexpectedly and it's hard to scrape the money together for a deposit.

I really liked a guy at my old job, and I thought he liked me back. He would always tell me that I looked good at work, and when we went out we would dance together. He had this girl chasing after him that I thought he would never go for. She would hang around him like a puppy and follow him around, make excuses to see him after work. It was totally obvious. I thought that playing hard to get would perhaps work to my advantage. I didn't bring my drama to work like she did. I thought that men didn't like drama.

I am not full of myself, but I think I am prettier than she is, and I haven't been spoiled like she is. I know when a woman is prettier than me and I will admit it, but this girl isn't. I am not the only one who noticed.

And now they are seriously dating and she's flashing pictures of them together all over the internet. And it's a huge slap in the face to me. This is bringing out the worst in me, because I didn't think I was jealous person. And now I realize that I am and I have to swallow my pride. I have to accept that he was never into me like I thought. It's almost as if I am angry with him now. Because now that he's with her, I don't even want to talk to him. When I see him at work I just say hello and keep to myself.

I know this isn't a personal attack on me, but I can't help taking it personally. I really did like the guy. I can't wait until I quit that job for good.

With my roommate situation, this and the gloomy weather at the same time, I am definitely NOT feeling the love.


Thursday, December 7, 2006

Stress Sucks

Hello there my lovelies..................

I am really stressed right now, partially because I haven't worked out all week. I really need to get my ass to the gym.

I have to move out by the end of the month, and I really hate the hassle of moving. I don't feel welcome in the house by my current roommate anymore. Ever since the other girl moved out, he has been unreasonable with me. After me living there for 11 months, he now decides to put all of his dishes and cookware away in storage so I can't use it. Not only that, but he won't let me keep any shoes in the walkway ( he enters through the garage). He wants me to walk all the way to the garage where it's cold. He raised my rent in the summer due to the extra AC, but he won't lower it, since the weather hasn't been too hot or cold lately. He won't let me keep a trashcan in the kitchen. Almost everytime he sees me, he tells me to clean something, or he tells me about his pet peeve.

I could go on and on because there's more. But I can't take living like this anymore. It's a shame, because I like the quietness and privacy I have here.

I am not a perfect roommate. I have been guilty of leaving messes in the kitchen, or I left lots of my shoes laying around in the entryway. But, I always cleaned when he asked me to. He could do a lot worse than me. At least I paid my rent on time, I kept the common areas of the house clean, I never had any overnight guests that stayed longer than one night, and I bought the cleaning supplies and toilet paper for the house.

Looking at different places really depresses me because some places are old and dirty. But what's worse is the rules some people set for example: no cooking, no overnight guests, no use of the laundry room, or my fave was the person that only wanted someone living in the house part time.

I really wish I could afford a place of my own. I really do.

Friday, December 1, 2006


Hello there my lovelies,

Yesterday was my birthday, and I turned 26. A lot of people wished me well and left comments on MySpace. Even my brother called me up. He's never done that before.

I went out to dinner with a friend and I used the fart machine that my dad gave me. It was pretty funny. I used it in the car. I hit it in my purse, so it sounded muffled like a real fart ususally does. And he bought it. It was so funny. He rolled down the windows. Then I let it rip a couple of times in the nice Italian restaurant that we went to. Though I was careful not to embarass myself in front of the waiter. I eventually showed him the fart machine with the remote. I can fart, but I am not capable of such a high volume.

I guess as you get older, you stop expecting presents and cake and start counting your blessings. I was just happy yesterday that the weather was sunny, that I am healthy, and that I got to see my family again.

Anyway, I better get back to work. Ciao Ciao.