Friday, December 29, 2006

Happy Anniversary to me !

Hello there my lovelies,

Okay, so today is my third anniversary here in J-Land. I started it in my last semester of college during winter break. Gosh, how I miss those days. I got to get up, lounge around and watch TV all day. Anyway, at the time I was working as a waitress at Red Lobster and researching/planning my trip to Spain.

When I started it, I didn't think that I would continue to write for this long. I thought that it would be something I started out of boredom, but quit. But I am still here.

I don't know how many readers I have. I know that there are a couple of people that read and comment, which I really apppreciate. Most people though may read, but never comment. I am that way myself. I wonder how many people have been following my journal and what they think. I am grateful to everyone that's stopped by and taken interest.

I was chosen for AOL Journal of the Week in June 2005, but I haven't been nominated nor have I won anything since. In order for me to do that, I would need more graphics and colors on my page at the very least.  I am very bad at that. I would also need to write more thought-provoking entries. Let's face it. Most of my entries are about my daily activities, and I am writing to wind down, not win awards.

The thing that keeps me writing here, is that it's a form of therapy for me, and it is something for me to go back and reflect on later. Either that, or go back and think to myself "Now what the HELL was I thinking??" Though I love having readers and their comments, it doesn't determine whether I stay or not.

Anyway, that's all for me. Yay for turning three !!


Thursday, December 28, 2006

Secret Pimp

Hello there my lovelies,

Okay, so Christmas is over, but remember Secret Santa ? Well, I am gonna play the role of Secret Pimp, or in this case (cuz I'm a chick) a Pimptress, or a Pimpette, or whatever the hell you wanna call it.

Okay, moving along................

I was so bored the other day and decided to venture out onto my J-Land Friends' pages and see their friends' journals.

Winivere (The Glass Box) has a long list of friends, so I just started clicking away and reading. I came upon Demandnlilchit who's name is Kim. Her catch phrase is "I shaved my legs for this ?" Here is a link to her journal :

This woman is amazing. She won 3 Vivi Awards, and she so deserved them all. She was diagnosed with cancer this year, and has wrote about her experiences in the journal. She has had to put up such a fight, and she is so brave for letting us in on her darkest moments. I think it is so important that people see how cancer destroys lives.

But the part that makes this journal the best and wins her the Vivi awards is her attitude. She has a great attitude and sense of humor about it. She's not hiding anything and she's not pretending either. She has a great attitude and is brutally honest.

It also scared the bejeesus out of me because she mentioned that she was healthy a few months before her diagnosis. And it can happen to all of us. I am in my mid twenties and I am used to feeling invincible. I can't imagine what I would do if cancer hit me. With all diseases running in my family, I can't afford to miss out on my checkups. When you read her journal you will be scared straight into the doctors office.This woman is really pretty and it broke my heart to read that she had to lose a breast and her hair. But when you look at her pictures, you can't tell. Her true beauty shines through.

This journal humbled me in so many ways. I realized that I still have a lot to learn in life. I am in my mid twenties now, but I still haven't experienced many things that most women go through and struggle with. I have such a long way to go. I thought I had it rough, but after reading her journal I thanked God for my health. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Winivere also has a great journal. She was nominated for the Vivi Awards. Her journal not only has substance, but she maintains it really well with creative graphics and pictures, which is also important in a contest. I like that she uses a lot of quotes. The metaphors she uses to describe herself are great.

When I read her journal I feel like I could relate her. She is a person of substance, and I appreciate that.

Anyway, all this pimping is tiring me out, so I will go now. Ciao Ciao.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

If you are not a MySpace whore like me...........

Hello there,

Okay, so I found this little clip on MySpace. It is so cute, especially because I love birds of any kind.

So, here it is.........

Pass it along...........

Welcome to the new edition of getting to know your friends. Okay here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun!  Just copy (do not forward) this entire e-mail and paste into a new e-mail that you can send.  Change all the answers so that they apply to you.  Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person that sent it to you.  Some of you may get this several times that means you have lots of friends.
1. What is your occupation?  Reception/Security
2. What color are your socks right now? Not wearing any right now
3. What are you listening to right now?   Just me typing
4. What was the last thing that you ate?  Chocolate fudge that was given to me over Christmas
5. Can you drive a stick shift?   I learned it when I started driving, but I suck at it.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Yellow. A box of crayons isn't a box of crayons without yellow.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone?  Henry
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes. I love her journal too :)
9. Favorite drink:  Nestea Iced Tea
10. What is your favorite sport to watch?   Dancing and figure skating
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes. I was once blonde. That was awful. This year I dyed it red.
12. Favorite curse word?  Fuck-a-duck
13. Any Pets?   I wish I had dogs
14. Favorite food?  I love Spanish food.
15. What was the last movie you watched?   Borat
16. Favorite day of the year?  Thanksgiving has been special
17. What do you do to vent anger? I like to dance, cry, eat chocolate or write in my blog.
18. What was your favorite toy as a child? I liked the My Little Pony
19. What is your favorite Fall or Spring?  I prefer Fall, but I also like Spring because that means that summer is coming.
20. Cherry or Blueberry? Blueberry
21.  Do you want your friends to email you back?  No, I want them to ignore me................
22.  Who is most likely to respond?  I have no idea. 
23. Who is least likely to respond?  Good question. See above.
24. Living arrangements?  I live in a house with a roommate
25. When was the last time you cried?  I don't really remember, and I prefer to keep it that way.
26. What is on the floor of your closet?  Clothes
27.   Who is the friend that you've had the longest, that you are sending this to?  I've never been a friend of forwarding.
28. What did you do last night?  Went food shopping
29.  Favorite Smells?  I like the smell of fresh paper, thanks to my mother. I also love certain perfumes. I also love strong colognes on men.
30. What inspires you?  Bellydance, seeing other women do it, and listening to others' success stories.
31. What are you afraid of?  I am afraid that I will still have an entry level job, be in debt and living with a roommate by the time I am middle aged. That would kill me. I am also afraid that I will keep on meeting Mr. Wrong. I am not afraid of being single, but I don't want to keep meeting the wrong people. But the first one is scarier.
32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?  Plain
33. Country you would most like to visit? Holland
34 Favorite dog breed?   Beagle
35. Number of keys on your key ring? I am not about to walk all the way downstairs to find out.
36. How many years at your current job?  Less than one.
37. Favorite day of the week? I love Saturdays.
38. How many states have you lived in?  Three, but I only consider California.
39. Favorite holiday? Thanksgiving 
40. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery?  No
41. Favorite Must See TV Show?  Desperate Housewives.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

My Xmas Weekend

Hello there my lovelies,

I just have to say that I had a lovely Christmas holiday. Once again I was blessed to visit my grandma and grandpa. I also saw my aunt and cousin and their babies. My cousin is married to a Greek man, and together they had three huge kids. Even the baby is huge. I got to hold the 9 month old. He was so cute and just looked at me with those big eyes and smiled. I really couldn't have asked for a better family.

I went to the church service on Christmas Eve. I usually don't like going to church, but my aunt was singing a solo and I also wanted to go with my grandparents. I also really liked singing the carols. I haven't sung Christmas songs in a while.

I am really not a big fan of Christmas, but I enjoyed the Christmas decorations and the food my grandma made. My grandma makes the best chicken wings ever !! I ate a lot. My father eats 40-50 wings when he visits. Go dad !

My brother came up with me, and it was nice to talk to him. We rarely ever see each other and it was nice to catch up.

I just felt worn out and beat up by the real world, and it was nice to go to a place where I felt loved. My grandma never fails to hug me and tell me that she loves me. I feel like a lot has been taken away from me growing up and I feel like my grandparents are there to give me love and make me feel special.

I feel blessed everytime I go up there because I realize that God let me spend another year with them.

That's all I had to say. Now it's back to the daily grind of work and bill paying.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

My journal

Hello there my lovelies,

Okay, so I have been thinking about keeping a more private journal lately. There is a lot of stuff that I don't write about here. I try to keep my relationship stuff or frustrations with men out of it, but occasionally I slip and you see an entry or two. I wish I would just let it out somewhere else. But the more I think about it, I think it's better that some things remain private.

I have been thinking about leaving AOL and starting a new journal elsewhere. But I don't know about that either. I've been with AOL for 7 years and had this journal for three. I feel like I invested a lot of time here. Plus, I don't know if I would write there regularly anymore. I also forgot to mention that I definitely don't want to lose 3 years worth of entries.

Anyway, today is Saturday and I am supposed to be working at my other job, renting cars. But I am not feeling well, so I will just stay in bed and hope that I get better.  I could really use the extra money, but I also need to be healthy, and I need some rest.

Okay, I will end this for now.



Friday, December 22, 2006

Last entry continued.....

Hello there my lovelies,

I can't believe that Christmas is around the corner. Then New Years. I had a lot of new experiences this year. I think it's safe to say that I lived rather than just exist. I'm not necessarily happy that 2006 is coming to an end, but I am happy that 2007 will be a brand new start. This year was just more intense than the rest, and I feel that I got a bigger dose of reality. 2006 humbled me and made me realize that I should count my blessings instead of cry over my shortcomings.

Partly based on my list of experiences in my last entry, here are some of my hopes and goals for 2007.

1.) Pay off my student loans.

2.) Retake the Border Patrol Exam, TSA exam, and take the CBP exam for the first time.

3.) Continue yoga, and become more flexible.

4.) Move out.

5.) Get promoted at my new job.

6.) Start paying down my debt.

7.) Start paying into my 401K again. I'm gonna need drug money when I'm a senior.

8.) Start saving for a vacation. I would really like to plan a vacation abroad. I really want to see Amsterdam (especially the Anne Frank House)

9.) Stop talking to Brad and Ernie. They know who they are and I think I've dedicated way too many entries to bitching about them.

Of course there is more, but this is just an idea what I would like to do. I will be updating this journal as 2007 approaches, of course. How could I not ? December 29th will be my 3 year anniversary here in J-Land.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

My thoughts................

Hello there my lovelies,

Happy Sunday !! I did absolutely nothing today. It's nice to take a day off once a week to just be lazy. I lounged around for a while in bed this morning, and then I had breakfast with my mother, who I haven't seen in months. I spent the rest of the day sleeping and surfing online. I am really addicted to the internet, kinda like when I had a television.

I had a huge breakfast with my mom. I had two belgian waffles with butter and syrup. I should've just hooked myself up to an IV full of lard. We talked a lot about my Oma and basically relived the funeral. ( My grandma on my mother's side). I love her so much, and it still hurts that she died so suddenly. This was the first death that hit me hard. Going to her funeral helped me deal with reality and helped me move on.  I decided there that I was going to shed all my tears there in Austria and come back home and not dwell on it anymore. And I haven't cried about it since. Sometimes I feel like I am about to, but I can't. So I just write about it. I was really blessed to have a woman like her as my grandma.

I used to love to go to Austria and spend time with her. Now my aunt must sell her apartment which has been in the family for years. My mom grew up there and I spent time there. And now we have to sell it, and I can't bear the fact that if I walk by it again in the future, there will be someone new living there. I guess I am sentimental.

Austria just isn't the same without her. I'm not as excited to go back as I was when I went to see her. I still have family there (my aunt and my cousins are the greatest) but it just won't be the same without Oma. All I can do is hope that she's still with me in spirit. She has to be because I still have dreams about her.

December 29th will be my 3rd anniversary here in J-Land. Writing and pouring my heart out here is therapeutical for me. I don't get very many comments anymore, but I know that people that I don't know read it. Maybe they can identify with me, maybe they just want to read another person's point of view.

This year is coming to an end, and I am mixed about it. I really feel that I really took a step forward. There is a long list of things that I did this year as well as my "firsts" Here are some of them.

1.) I became completely independent, 100%. I'm being very vague here, but those of you who know me personally know exactly what I mean.

2.)Finally got an idea of my passion/s in life. I had been struggling with that for so long.

3.) I took the Border Patrol Exam/ TSA exam. Though I failed, I now know how to correct it. I also got the ball rolling in volunteer work that interests me.

4.) I lost a grandmother and a grandfather

5.) I got a new career ( after months of searching)

6.) I performed my sword routine for the first time

7.) I performed at Rakassah AND Desert Dance festival ( big events for anyone in the bellydance world)

8.) I got lasik surgery on my eyes.

9.) I repierced my ears and looked fabulous at the Christmas Party this year.

10.) I started yoga and joined a gym.

Some of these things seem trivial, but I listed them because they have meaning for me. And there are more things that are just too personal to list. It is so easy for me to compare myself to others and beat myself up. How come I don't have a lucrative career ? How come everyone I know is married/  But I have to realize that I made a lot of improvements this year. It took a lot of guts and courage for me to get through this year.


Saturday, December 16, 2006

Gripes about searching for a new roommate

(I cross-posted this in MySpace.)

Hello there,

Okay, so I am trying to find a new place and I have consulted Craigs List every day. Here are some things that I am tired of:

1.) People that can't spell or write. You would think that these posters never learned proper punctuation, spelling, capitalization. Makes the person look like a total moron, and probably wouldn't be capable of preventing the house from burning down.

2.) People that don't post pictures of the place. Chances are if there isn't a picture, it is probably a shithole.

3.) People that fail to mention that I would also be living with their CHILDREN. No offense, but I don't want to worry if my lifestyle is PG enough for little Johnny.

4.) People that want me to pay a lot of money for the room but won't let me cook, bring people over or store anything.

5.) People that post pictures of a room, but when I actually see the place, I come to find out that it's not the room I would be renting. WTF ????? That's false advertising.

6.) Advertising a garage reformed into a bedroom as a master bedroom. Now that's recockulous.

7.) Oh, I also forgot to mention that I hate it when PEOPLE TYPE LIKE THIS. MAKES ME FEEL LIKE THEY'RE YELLING AT ME. Relax people, I'm a nice rational person. We can work this out.

I need my own place really bad.

Yoga and Bellydance

Hello there my lovelies,

I recently took up yoga, and I bought a new yoga mat yesterday. I started it to help me dance better. All of the bellydance teachers or performers that I admire and respect also do yoga. Anyone ever hear of Rachael Brice from Bellydance Superstars ? That woman is amazing and she can move. She studies yoga. My dance teacher who is very beautiful also does it.

 As you know, yoga is not a high impact form of exercise, it works on your flexibility and posture, your breathing and it relaxes you. All those things are important in bellydance. Posture is number one, because if you don't keep your back straight and pelvis tucked then you're gonna injure your back. (Believe me, it really does hurt when you dance the wrong way). Next is breathing properly so that you can dance for long periods of time without getting cramps.

The thing I realized about yoga is that it's more of a journey, kinda like bellydance. You don't compete with anyone, everyone is different, and everyone goes on their journey in a different manner. And I have a long way to go.

The most difficult thing for me to master in yoga is the breathing. I know it sounds so simple, but I am still trying to get my breathing pattern right. Simply straightening my back and bending at the side is also hard for me, because I have had bad posture for so long. But the key is to keep doing it, because it will get better.

I take yoga at the gym I go to, but now that the holidays are here, the schedule is messed up. So, I go when I can.

Anyway, that's all for now. Ciao Ciao.


Friday, December 15, 2006

Rant about my roommate.

Well hello there my lovelies,

OMG, I seriously don't like the process of moving out. It is a pain in the padded ass. I just can't find a place that I would be really comfortable with. I think it's because I am nervous about living with new people.

I like my current home. It's in a nice neighborhood, it's on the hill, it's quiet, I never see my roommate, and I currently have a bathroom to myself. I don't really want to move, but my roommate is being an ass. No wait, he is acting like a bitch.

I realized that I avoid him like the plague when he's in the house. I am always in my room. And if I am in the kitchen when I hear him, I stop whatever I am doing and run upstairs. He probably wonders why the hell I left the light on in the kitchen with food out. He probably thinks I was being irresponsible, but he doesn't realize that I just don't want to talk to him.  I think part of him realizes it.

I love (NOT) how he always reminds me not to scratch his countertops in the kitchen, not to eat on his furniture, and to clean up stains on the carpet. He will pick out the smallest little stains and make a big deal out of it. Sometimes they're not even mine. He once picked a stain UNDER the futon. WTF?? I don't eat under his furniture.

When I cook, he makes me open the garage door, the back door in the kitchen and open up all the windows in the kitchen. You know how cold it is during the winter ? And climbing on the countertop above the kitchen sink is dangerous. And he just doesn't care.

My favorite is now that my other roommate moved out, he is putting away his dishes so I can't use them. It's not about the dishes. I just think it's so obvious that he doesn't want me there. What's funny is that he started wrapping them to put them away, but he hasn't finished. This was two weeks ago, and his dishes are still sitting out there all over the place.

Oh, and I also love how after my last roommate moved out, he won't let me keep my shoes in the front walkway. (He enters through the garage) We have a huge shoe rack in the front, but he still wants me to keep them in the garage. The garage is dark( the lights don't work), and I stepped in a puddle of water to get something the other day. That is the one rule I am *gasp* disobeying. He can kiss my big white ass.

Yes, I am not perfect. I have left dishes in the sink, and crumbs on the floor a few times. And yes, I have also left my shoes a messin the front walkway. However, I always cleaned up after myself when he asked me to.

But I also think that he should be a little easy on me once in a while. I didn't complain when he brought a girl over and she used my hair dryer and maxi pads. (Shouldn't some things be sacred ?) I didn't complain when our microwave broke and he wouldn't fix it. Over the summer he wouldn't let me keep a trash can in the kitchen, It is now fucking WINTER, and he still doesn't want a trash can in the kitchen. And I didn't fuss over that.

He won't talk to me and have a decent conversation. He won't actually come out and talk to me about things that are bothering him. He lets it fester. He leaves his door open in his room open and waits for me to come out so he can pounce on me, instead of having the decency to talk to me once in a while.

He really does not want a roommate. He just wants help with the rent. I am tired of him giving me a look when I am downstairs watching a movie on his futon.

He has to have some knowlege that I think he is being unreasonable. Well, if he doesn't know by the time I move out, I will be sure to tell him to his face. I have had enough.



Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Mid Week Ramblings

Hello there,

Well, I feel better after writing the last entry. I really don't think about it anymore.

I also got off my ass and practiced dance on Sunday. It was a good workout. And on Monday I exercised. I felt so much better after doing that. I really believe that bellydance is a tool that God gave me to boost my self confidence. I should be going to the gym again today for my yoga class. The instructor was sick on Monday, so I hope that she's there tonight.

I am still on a mission to move out of my current house. I have been looking like crazy, but it's hard to find a place that I am really comfortable with. I finally found about three different places that I would like, but I haven't heard back from any of the owners, despite my emails. It's frustrating, because I just want to get this over with. I really don't like moving. Luckily I don't have very many things.

Anyway, I am gonna end this here. I really feel lethargic right now. The weather outside does not make me feel all warm and fuzzy. I want the sun to come out again.

Friday, December 8, 2006

One of those days.

Hello there,

I am writing this entry as a form of therapy. I don't feel like talking to anyone about it. It wouldn't make me feel better, but writing about it would. So, here I am.

Today is just one of those days. It's dark and gloomy outside. I also feel invisible. I have times where I feel like I am on top of the world and moving forward. (Last week, for example) This week I feel like I've taken a couple of steps back. Especially since I am looking for a place all over again. I have so many bills this month that came up unexpectedly and it's hard to scrape the money together for a deposit.

I really liked a guy at my old job, and I thought he liked me back. He would always tell me that I looked good at work, and when we went out we would dance together. He had this girl chasing after him that I thought he would never go for. She would hang around him like a puppy and follow him around, make excuses to see him after work. It was totally obvious. I thought that playing hard to get would perhaps work to my advantage. I didn't bring my drama to work like she did. I thought that men didn't like drama.

I am not full of myself, but I think I am prettier than she is, and I haven't been spoiled like she is. I know when a woman is prettier than me and I will admit it, but this girl isn't. I am not the only one who noticed.

And now they are seriously dating and she's flashing pictures of them together all over the internet. And it's a huge slap in the face to me. This is bringing out the worst in me, because I didn't think I was jealous person. And now I realize that I am and I have to swallow my pride. I have to accept that he was never into me like I thought. It's almost as if I am angry with him now. Because now that he's with her, I don't even want to talk to him. When I see him at work I just say hello and keep to myself.

I know this isn't a personal attack on me, but I can't help taking it personally. I really did like the guy. I can't wait until I quit that job for good.

With my roommate situation, this and the gloomy weather at the same time, I am definitely NOT feeling the love.


Thursday, December 7, 2006

Stress Sucks

Hello there my lovelies..................

I am really stressed right now, partially because I haven't worked out all week. I really need to get my ass to the gym.

I have to move out by the end of the month, and I really hate the hassle of moving. I don't feel welcome in the house by my current roommate anymore. Ever since the other girl moved out, he has been unreasonable with me. After me living there for 11 months, he now decides to put all of his dishes and cookware away in storage so I can't use it. Not only that, but he won't let me keep any shoes in the walkway ( he enters through the garage). He wants me to walk all the way to the garage where it's cold. He raised my rent in the summer due to the extra AC, but he won't lower it, since the weather hasn't been too hot or cold lately. He won't let me keep a trashcan in the kitchen. Almost everytime he sees me, he tells me to clean something, or he tells me about his pet peeve.

I could go on and on because there's more. But I can't take living like this anymore. It's a shame, because I like the quietness and privacy I have here.

I am not a perfect roommate. I have been guilty of leaving messes in the kitchen, or I left lots of my shoes laying around in the entryway. But, I always cleaned when he asked me to. He could do a lot worse than me. At least I paid my rent on time, I kept the common areas of the house clean, I never had any overnight guests that stayed longer than one night, and I bought the cleaning supplies and toilet paper for the house.

Looking at different places really depresses me because some places are old and dirty. But what's worse is the rules some people set for example: no cooking, no overnight guests, no use of the laundry room, or my fave was the person that only wanted someone living in the house part time.

I really wish I could afford a place of my own. I really do.

Friday, December 1, 2006


Hello there my lovelies,

Yesterday was my birthday, and I turned 26. A lot of people wished me well and left comments on MySpace. Even my brother called me up. He's never done that before.

I went out to dinner with a friend and I used the fart machine that my dad gave me. It was pretty funny. I used it in the car. I hit it in my purse, so it sounded muffled like a real fart ususally does. And he bought it. It was so funny. He rolled down the windows. Then I let it rip a couple of times in the nice Italian restaurant that we went to. Though I was careful not to embarass myself in front of the waiter. I eventually showed him the fart machine with the remote. I can fart, but I am not capable of such a high volume.

I guess as you get older, you stop expecting presents and cake and start counting your blessings. I was just happy yesterday that the weather was sunny, that I am healthy, and that I got to see my family again.

Anyway, I better get back to work. Ciao Ciao.


Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Hello there my lovelies,

I feel so lazy today. I was gonna go to the gym today, but I'll just go tommorow. I worked out last night, so I should be okay till tommorow. I did yoga. I feel so much better. I have it again tommorow night. It really helps me stretch for bellydance and strengthens my arms.

I am happy because my holiday party for work is this weekend. I was planning to go with the guy I went with last year, but he cancelled on me. It's a shame because we had so much fun last year. He told me he wouldn't be able to make it. He didn't wanna leave his other party an hour early to go with me. And the thing is, is that he knew about my party way in advance and agreed to go. He wouldn't even make a little effort to make it to my party. So I told him not to worry and that I would find someone else and that I would call him later.

I found someone else, but I didn't call him. I don't even care for his friendship anymore. We've known each other for a year now and aside from last year's holiday party, he's always cancelled on me. (Even when I won front row seats to the SF Giants in the summer.) He called me during Thanksgiving, but I'm not returning his calls. I just don't even want to waste my time on another conversation with him. Even this entry about him is a waste of time.

On a brighter note, I am happy that I have a new job and that I am not out in the cold renting cars like I was last year. I feel sorry for my coworkers. I still work there on Saturdays, but that should be changing soon.

Okay, I am done for now. Ciao ciao.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

My fave quote.

"So I went to the doctor and he told me I was too fat. I looked at him in disbelief and said that I wanted a second opinion. So he looked back at me and said "Okay, you're ugly too."

I love that quote. It makes me laugh.

While we're on the subject, my father gave me a fart machine for my birthday. It has a remote control button. I have some ideas about how I'll put it to use.

Speaking of which, last week while I was shopping I was passing by a very cute guy. I had to fart, and I thought I could keep it silent. Instead, I let it rip and tooted my own horn. I was mortified. And the guy turned all the way around and looked at me. I turned red and kept walking. But a small part of me was proud.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Thanksgiving Update............

Well Hello there my lovelies,

I hope y'all had a lovely Thanksgiving. I spent it in Mendocino with my dad's side of the family. Usually my cousins bring their kids and it's usually really loud. This time it was a small gathering.

I felt really lucky being able to see my grandparents again and I feel blessed that God gave me another opportunity to hug my grandparents. My grandmother made it a point to hug and kiss me and tell me that she loves me very much. I always love it. She always tells me she loves me the way I am. When I was sitting on the couch she came over and grabbed my arm and laid her head on my shoulder. It's hard because I lost my other grandma this year, and I know that my time with my other Grandma is limited.

I got to see my dad again and his cat. I only get to see my dad once a year. We went into town yesterday by the ocean. My dad has a very twisted sense of humor and never fails to make me laugh. I feel better around my dad, because then I know I am not the only twisted one.

I also got to see my two aunties. I got to spend time with them and talk. I love them both very much.

Since my birthday is this week, I had a little birthday party and I got an ice cream cake with whipped cream. Very good stuff. I ate a lot this trip. I didn't overdo it, but I know I am gonna have to really work hard at the gym this week.

I stopped by my mailbox today and I saw a nice stack of bills waiting for me. I also got my guard card. That means that I can start working extra hours as a security guard, which means that I can soon quit Enterprise for good.

Okay, that's enough for now.

Ciao Ciao my lovelies.................

Tuesday, November 21, 2006


Hello there my lovelies,

A few weeks ago I went to my friend's baby shower. And we each had to write down advice to her on a piece of paper. At the end the papers were made into a book so that she can refer to it after the babies (she's having twins) are born.

I don't have children so all I can do it reflect on how I was raised and talk about what worked for me.

My advice to her was to teach her children about a good diet early and not have a lot of junk food in the house. I grew up with almost no junk food in the house. Of course I always bought candy at school and got cake and stuff from school. That's to be expected. But at least when I got home I was eating healthy.

Now that I am on my own and shopping for myself, I buy healthy stuff. It's so ingrained in my brain. I still eat a lot of chocolate. I still buy stuff from the vending machines at work. I still go to Starbucks (LOVE that place). However, when I am lounging around at home with nothing to do, there isn't a pizza or ice cream within my reach. I think a lot of people run into problems by having easy access to junk food in the house.

Another thing that my folks did was forbid sodas and get me active at an early age. They signed me up for martial arts classes when I was five. When I misbehaved, they punished me with pushups or running. I'm not always disciplined about working out, but at least I have that loud voice yelling at me

Adults that were never encouraged to exercise as kids are at a real disadvantage. It is that much harder for them to build up stamina, get used to a work out routine or activity and stick to it. It's much easier for a person if they learned these habits as a kid.

Anyway, I will step off the soapbox....................for now.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I spun around in an office chair

Hello there,

Okay, so this is my second week on the job as a receptionist. I'm pretty comfortable and I feel that I am getting along with everyone in the building.

But today my supervisor tells me that someone anonymously called and complained about me. Did I insult that person's mother ? No. Did I wear skimpy clothing and expose my crack ? No. Was I even chewing gum and making awful smacking noises ? Nope.

My crime was that I was spinning around in an office chair. And no one was even really in the lobby when that happened. I was probably bored out of my fucking mind when I did it. I work in a large builing with a few floors and apparently someone got their panties in a twist when they looked down and saw me spin around for maybe 10 seconds.

What the hell ? Is their life so mundane and boring that my 10 second chair spinning session offended them ? I sit at that post for 8 hours a day. Throw me a bone.

Okay, that felt better. I better think about getting some sleep.



Sunday, November 12, 2006

More Bellydance Pics

Hello there,

I forgot to post the pics that the photographer at last week's event took of me. He is so talented. His name is Andrew Casteel. I think he may wanna shoot more photos of us in exchange for free prints.



Monday, November 6, 2006

It's hookah time :)

Hello there my lovelies,

I hope y'all enjoyed your weekend because I sure did. I performed in San Francisco for an event called the Hookahdome. I sure hope to do this again next year. I got to smoke the hookah all night and dance. I also got to see other performances. I had a blast performing. I debuted my new routine there and people loved it. People also loved my sword dance. It's a wonderful feeling when people come up to me and tell me they love my dancing. I am also gonna perform again next month with my troupe.

The event was from 9am till 6am. We got there at 10pm to perform. By 1am it was so packed and crowded. I decided to call it a night and we went home. I had Jack in the Box after and just crashed. I swear, those curly fries were so good ! I slept till 2pm the next day. Lovely.

Anywho, these are really the first pictures I have of me actually performing. I usually take pictures posing, but these came out nicely. My friend did a great job.

Thursday, November 2, 2006

Slowly but surely

Hello there all,

So, I quit Enterprise full-time, but I will still work there every Saturday to make a little extra cash ( strictly for a monthly credit card payment) I simply can not stand all this debt any more. I have to start working on the credit cards or I am not going anywhere. I want to travel extensively again some day and I am in no position to if I don't pay this down.

I start my new full time job on Tuesday. I also start volunteering that same week. I am not sure about my volunteering schedule or the specifics just yet, but at least I am starting. I will either be teaching citizenship classes to people that want to become citizens or provide private tutoring to people that want to learn English. So many people that come into this country don't care to take the time to learn about American history or learn English and I think that we should recognize the people that come here and make an effort.

There are a lot of different career paths in immigrations that I am considering and this volunteer position may help me define what I really want.

My health insurance from Enterprise cuts off after tommorow. So I applied for a temporary health plan and they outright denied me because I went to the doctor for an increased heart rate. I told the guy on the phone that I have a healthy heart and that my cardiologist can confirm it, but they don't care.

So I am applying for another plan and I hope I get approved.I'll probably hear back tommorow or Monday. I just want a basic plan that covers me in case I have a serious accident and need to go to the emergency room. Is that too much to ask ?

Anywho, I am gonna go for now. Ciao Ciao.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Madonna and her latest adoption drama

Hello there my lovelies,

So it's been in the news lately that Madonna is trying to adopt a boy in Malawi. The boy is not an orphan because his father is still alive and willing to take care of him. The father thought that Madonna was just gonna feed and educate his son and give him back. He didn't realize that Madonna was gonna take him for good.

I have to take the father's side. He is a poor man in a third world country. He can not read or write. He is probably not an idiot, but I am willing to bet that he doesn't have a clue of what life is like in a developed country and how legal contracts work. And you can't just give a person like this a crash course either. You kinda have to coach them a little and have patience when explaining it. I remember when I was in Spain and I showed a man from South America how to use the computer to set up an email account for the first time. The guy had no clue where to begin. I had to start from the very beginning. I am sure that Madonna's lawyers tried to explain to him the adoption process in simple terms, but failed to emphasize that he wouldn't raise his son anymore.

I am willing to bet that when Madonna walked into his town and did charity work, he didn't question it. I know that if I were uneducated and grew up in an impoverished third world country and an organization came along and fed me or clothed me, I would take the aid and think it was God above. I wouldn't have known that it was coming from an organization and I wouldn't have thought that they would expect anything in return from me.

 I am sure he thought that God or his gods were answering his prayers.  So with that said, when Madonna offered to help his son, I am sure that he thought that God was answering his prayer again. After all, she provided aid and asswered his prayers already, so why would she do anything like take his child ?

If I were Madonna, I would give the boy back and find another child. The father loves his child and the child has a loving family in his country. Lord knows that there are plenty of children in Malawi without any parents or even any relatives. I am sure that the boy would have a nice life in the US, but deep down he would wonder why his father gave him up, and why he didn't stay in his life. And you can't fill a void like that.

I know it must be hard for Madonna to give the boy back. He probably formed a strong bond with her and possibly her children. But she should still let this one go. There are plenty of other children out there without anyone to love them. At least this little boy has his father.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Border Patrol Improvement

Hello there my lovelies,

I took a practice Border Patrol Exam online and man was it hard . I liked it because the logical reasoning portion of it was just as hard as the real thing I took last month. The good news is that I scored 88%. The Spanish portion was easier than the real thing. This is good news, because this means that my logical reasoning skills are getting sharper. I am gonna retest in April of next year.

The bad news is that I took a long time on the logical reasoning portion, when in reality the real thing is timed. I finished half of it and then finished the rest the next morning when I woke up. I think I just need to work on not being so anxious, and keeping track of time better.

What else? Oh, I realized why I've been so cranky lately. I haven'y bellydanced in such a long time. I've worked out, but I have not danced. So today, I am gonna get off my lazy ass and dance.

Anywho, I better go now.

Ciao Ciao.



Sunday, October 22, 2006

I'm cranky. Somebody hug me.

Hello there my lovelies,

Today is Sunday, and as usual I am being lazy. I added some pix to my MySpace Account. I have a babyshower in a hour. my friend is pregnant with twins.  I need to haul ass and get ready. I also need to clean my room and pay my bills. Knowing myself, that prob won't happen today.

I went to the dentist yesterday and found out I have 5 small cavities. I had an appointment at 12:30 and the dentist didn't see me till 2pm. I got half of them filled, but one of the fillings broke off. Needless to say, I am not thrilled. That put me in a pissy mood.

Anywho, I have to go now. Ciao Ciao.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

New Job

Hello there my lovelies,

So today I put in my two weeks notice at my current job. I will be starting my new one at the beginning of next month. A lot of thinking went into making my decision to resign, and I think it's better in the long run.

For the most part I liked working at Enterprise, especially working with my coworkers. However, I can't imagine myself getting excited about being an assistant manager or ever running a branch. I also am not into sales. I can sell if I really want to. I've done it before. But really, it's not what makes me tick.

So, I quit and I am starting all over on my quest to find a job that I am in love with. I am excited about my new position as there is room for advancement. With the hours I'll be working I even think I can go back to school. It's all up in the air.

I think it's nice that I am actually taking steps foward to being happier. It's better than doing nothing about it and complaining all the time.

Anywho, that's all for now.



Monday, October 16, 2006

Here we go again

Hello Everyone,

Closing our borders is becoming a huge topic in the news right now, especially because politicians are trying to get themselves elected or reelected.

You know what pisses me off about this ? How the media portrays it. Everytime I see something in the newspaper or TV about guarding our borders better, it's always because of illegal immigration.

Yes, illegal immigration is a problem. But not as big of a problem as human trafficking, drug smuggling and terrorism. And the media doesn't even friggin' consider that we should close our borders due to those problems. All the news does is point the cameras on the Mexicans trying to jump over the fence.

I didn't realize how freaking easy it is for terrorists to just waltz right over through our desert into the United States until I did some research. All they have to do is blend in with the other migrants and pay the right smuggler. Does the media ever talk about that ? Nope.

The media also doesn't really talk about the human trafficking issues going on at our borders. Women from third world countries are promised jobs as waitresses in the United States, only to be forced into prostitution. And San Francisco is one of the hottest growing spots for those "massage parlors". I read about that in the San Francisco Chronicle. There was a huge article about it. Unfortunately articles like those are few and far in between.

Oh, and don't even get me started about the drugs. Columbians specialize in cocaine and Mexicans prefer marijuana. In exchange for the Mexicans helping them smuggle the coke in the US, Colombians give them cocaine. The Border patrol apprehends more drug smugglers than the DEA.

I just wish that issues like these would make the news. Instead, the media focuses on how racist the United States for wanting to put up a wall and hiring more agents. They think that all this effort is to keep out migrants. People have a right to know.

Okay, I am tired and heading off to bed.

Ciao Ciao.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

I've been naughty..........

Hello there my lovelies,

Against my doctors wishes I had some alcohol yesterday. My friend was in town and him and I went to our fave Spanish restaurant for some Spanish food and sangria. Then we went bowling and I had another drink. The meal had so much garlic, which is good because I hear that garlic helps prevent certain cancers. In that case, I think I might've eliminated my chance of ever getting cancer. It was so strong. You shoulda been there when I was trying to burp the alphabet.

It was so much fun. I love bowling while tipsy. I laughed so hard that night I that I had to sit on the concrete so I wouldn't piss myself. I took some fun pictures of me acting like a total goodball for y'all that are my friends on Myspace. If not, you better add me.

I am not looking foward to getting back to the daily grind of renting cars tommorow.

Anywho, I am off to bed. Ciao ciao.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

And the culprit is..........

Hello All,

I dunno if it's bold or stupid to come out here and say this, but what the hell. I don't care that much what people think about me anymore. I found out my chest pains weren't due to heart problems. I think that I may have an anxiety disorder. I'm sure it's minor.

I may be depressed or have anxiety issues. It's getting worse and I can say that because it's getting harder for me to want to go out. I just want to lock myself in my room. I don't want to even talk to people anymore. I feel like I am forcing my friendliness at work. My friend wants to hang out with me and I really just wanna be alone. I don't even want to go out on dates right now either and if men can't tempt me, then something's up.

This isn't the first time I've had issues like this. Five years ago in college I had a nervous breakdown. I slowed down, took fewer classes and made changes to feel better and vowed to never let that happen again.

This year a lot of things have happened that betrayed my trust. Both family and men have violated my trust. Plus 2006 is my first year alone in the real world with no one to rescue me. If I can't work and don't get paid, I am out on the street. I barely pay the bills each month. Sometimes I just don't know what I am doing or if I am making smart decisions. I love being young, but I guess confusion comes with youth. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

Anyway, that's all for now.


Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I'm blessed

Hello there my lovelies,

For the past two weeks I've done a really good job in freaking myself out because I had been experiencing heart palpitations as well as mild pain and pressure in my chest. I was convinced that something was wrong, especially since my mom's side of the family is plagued with heart conditions and my mom is dealing with issues of her own.

So I got blood drawn as well as a heart sonnogram last weekend to check my cholesterol and heart. Except for weak heart muscle contractions(which may even be normal for me) my heart is healthy. I was also happy to know that my good cholestrol was much higher than my bad cholesterol level.

I spent a lot of time worrying and it feels so liberating to know that I am still healthy. I know that I won't be free of health issues forever, so I am enjoying this while I can. I feel liberated. This is such a relief. This whole experience taught me how to be greatful and to count my blessings.



Sunday, October 8, 2006

My long two cents about illegal immigration........

Hello there my lovelies,

Yesterday I rented "Mojados: Through the Night" from the library. It was a documentary about illegal immigration. Basically the camera man followed four men on their journey through the desert from Mexico to Arizona.

Those men faced dehydration, heat over 100 degrees, freezing temperatures in the morning, no water, drinking contaminated water, rattle snakes, rain, you name it. People like them are so desperate for work that they will risk their lives over and over like this.  In the end 3 were captured by the Border Patrol and sent back to Mexico, and one guy got away.

The movie put names and faces on countless people that make the journey through the desert and through the river. These men volunteered to be filmed so that people can see what they go through and that they're humans and not just "illegals". They also want to be appreciated. They do the jobs that US citizens won't.

The movie also portrayed a more humane side to the Border Patrol. It showed footage of Border Patrol agents helping people that were dying by providing them with water and proper medical attention.

There was also an organization called Human Borders that provides potable water to the migrants in the desert. They also provide meals. I really like what they're doing. It doesn't matter whether it's illegal or not for them to enter the U.S. But that doesn't mean that they should be left to die in the desert. They still have the right to be treated as humans. If I lived down there, I would volunteer for them.

I watched the movie because I wanted to get a better understanding of what illegals go through to get there. They are brave and if I worked for the Border Patrol I would not get mad at them for continuing to try to come over.

But I still don't think that we should just let people cross our borders without knowing who they are and legalizing them. They contribute to our economy and do the jobs that US citizens don't. However, they also put a huge strain on our healthcare system and benefits that are for U.S citizens. Some pay taxes, but I'm willing to bet that most don't. The IRS will look the other way if an illegal pays taxes. I know a couple of people that entered illegally and eventually became legal. They told me that paying taxes year after year helped their cases.

I also think that we should build a higher wall, put up more cameras and hire more agents. It's about time. Of course it's not going to solve the problem, but it will help. The main problem is the lack of agents. We have a lot of high tech equipment, but only so many agents to patrol the land. Agents round up as much as 500 people a night. While they're busy arresting a few, it's so easy for others to run away. Bush wants to hire more agents, but becoming an agent is challenging and time consuming, not to mention that the salary is so low. I forgot to mention that I read somewhere that the Border Patrol received 70,000 applicants and only 1,700 people became agents.

 I get so irritated that the Mexican President Vicente Fox and the new president elect are upset about the wall. Maybe they should take care of their own people and figure out how to fuel their economy. It's our right as a nation to guard our borders. It's our land and we can build a wall if we want to. We never asked the millions of illegals to come over. In fact they KNOW it's dangerous and they still come over. We're not being racists by making a statement that they can't enter illegally.

Our governor Arnold recently made a statement about how Mexicans ( yes, he singled out Mexicans)  don't assimilate into American culture. They just come over here for work and send their money home, but don't want to be part of America. He said that they would be more successful if they tried to blend in more.

Now, I don't think he should've made that statement. Mexican immigrants are such a large group of people that you can't just make a generalizarion like that, especially if you're a politician and up for re-election. I think that he just insulted some of his followers : Mexican republicans that have adopted American culture as their own.  I know a lot of Mexicans that have assimilated well. And I should know because they were in my Spanish class because they couldn't speak proper Spanish.

But I also understand why our governator said that, because some of it's true. A stereotype isn't a stereotype unless there is some truth to it. A lot of my Hispanic customers that come in don't speak English. They don't want to learn. It isn't a priority for them. I used to live around a lot of neighborhoods where there are only Mexican flags and stores and advertisements all in Spanish. It's like they're making a statement that they're not interested in the US.

I am not for allowing people in the US illegally. It's unfair to people that have spent thetime and energy to get legal papers. It's also breaking the law and we should not send out the message that that we can just ignore laws when it's convenient.

However, I am all for helping people do it the legal way. Working with immigrants, legal or not to get assimilated into American culture.


Hello, it's Sunday again

Hello there my lovelies,

Today I woke up and went for a run. We have a beautiful Sikh temple a couple of blocks from my house on the hill, so I ran around it. It was beautiful to see people dressed in their prayer clothes to go to prayer. There's a beautiful waterfall in front of the temple. I think I'll go back and take some pictures later.

After that I went to practice some dance moves alone at my old college. On the way to the studio I saw an emaciated cat walking around. Luckily I had cat food so I fed it. I felt so bad for it. It ate the food I put out for it and I pet it a little. When dealing with cats I don't know, I always wait for it to come to me and purr at me before I pet it. It was a beautiful grey and black cat, but it was so thin. Poor thing.

Now I'm back home and I was supposed to go out tonite, but the guy didn't call so I am gonna go out and go to the mall.

Ciao Ciao.

Sunday, October 1, 2006

Lazy Sunday

Hello there my lovelies,

Today I stayed in bed all day. I think I got up to eat breakfast. No dance practice, no doing anything productive. Tommorow is gonna be super busy, so I'll have to go to work early.

Last night I went out with my friend to a Spanish restaurant, and the food was delish. We had appetizers and paella. To top it off I had 3 glasses of Sangria. I'm a lightweight, so I got a little drunk.

Then we walked over to the theater to see Jack Ass 2. I've never laughed so hard in my life. That movie was so hilarious. I loved watching those guys make complete asses of themselves. That just goes to show how twisted I am.

Well, thats about all for now folks.

Ciao Ciao.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Hello there my lovelies,

Today was a nice day outside. After dance practice I walked to the library. I went to look at books and videos on Border Patrol. That did not go well. There were a lot of books and DVDs I wanted to check out that were supposedly available. But when I looked for them, they were no where to be found. I couldn't find one book that I wanted, especially since the computer said they were on the shelves. I was pissed. But I did get some stuff on Amazon. Gotta love that place.

Dance practice was fun. I felt a little out of it, but at least I got some exercise. My friend and I worked on our routine that we wanna do next month. Then we bitched about men. Haha.

Anyway, I am gonna stop here because I don't have much left to write.


Thursday, September 21, 2006

2006 is Definitely Interesting

Hello again,

Okay, I am gonna vent. I failed my border patrol exam. I am not afraid to say it, but that doesn't take away from the fact that it still sucks.

I got too nervous on the logical reasoning section and spent too much time on some questions. I was also thrown off because I wasn't allowed to write on the paper booklets like I've been accustomed to my whole test taking career. The questions were lengthy and I got too nervous because I couldn't think out all the details in my head.

The Spanish portion of the exam was easier and I had a lot of time left over. They shoulda let me use the extra time to go back and finish the logical portion of the test.

I flew all the way out here, took a day off and missed work and I failed. I even prepared as much as I could. You can't really study for the test. But I now know I need to learn to think quicker.

It's not all negative though. I am coming back. Yes, I feel like a total friggin' idiot, but a lot of people walked out with me because we failed. I am not the only one. I can take this as many times as I need to. I've heard of agents that failed three times.

If anything, this is making me stronger. Fuck no I am not giving up. I want a job in this field.

This year has not been good. I've lost some grandparents, almost lost someone in my immediate family (can't mention who it is because I was asked not to). Not to mention relationships. Don't get me wrong. I've had some good dates. But untimately it didn't work out or I got figuratively slapped in the face royally. One after the other.

Job prospects have also been bad. I've either failed the exams, or I don't have experience. Or I can't find enough info on the positions. Oh, or I bombed the interview so bad that I refuse to talk to my friends about it.

This year I've failed and made so many mistakes. I hope that things look better next year. I really do. I know I am not an idiot. I just wish I were a quicker thinker and more self confident. But I know that will come in time.

I feel like so much is going on and I can't really get a good grip on it. Just a lot going on. I feel like I am trying to better myself, but I need to relax more and be more patient.

But on a better note, I can honestly say that I discovered who my real friends are. I've had a lot of support from people I would have never expected. Mary, my dance partner is one of them. Henry flew all the way out here from NYC to visit me. I also reconnected with people I haven't seen in like 10 years.

I feel that this year I've improved a lot of relationships and connected with a lot more people. I also feel stronger as a person. All this rejection and failed relationship/job business is making me not give a shit about the small stuff anymore.

However, I hope that next year no one gets sick or dies on me, and that I'll find a career I am in love with.


Sunday, September 17, 2006

A nice Sunday

Hello there my lovelies,

Today was nice. I practiced dance for a couple of hours. I like dancing alone. I get time to think and be creative. I felt rusty on some of the moves because I haven't been practicing as much, but I hope to start practicing more. My friend joined me later and we worked on our routines together. We're hoping to dance together next month.

Yesterday I performed at the Desert Dance Festival in downtown San Jose with my troupe. I was a little nervous, probably due to the fact that I didn't eat breakfast that morning and that I didn't practice the night before. My friend came and watched but she said that I need to have more attititude and sassiness on stage. I didn't feel it was my finest moment, but it also wasn't bad either. I was just pissed that they scheduled us to dance so early. I was hoping to perform at night when more people are around. The pics of me above are of my makeup for the performance as well as me enjoying the Car Art exhibition downtown afterward.

I went out shopping today with a friend of mine and we had lunch. I devoured the food and then some desert. Then we came back to my place and watched Ace Ventura. I've watched that movie a million times and I still love it.

All in all, I had a nice day, and I am sorry that I have to go back to the daily grind of car rental and pissed off people tommorow.


Friday, September 15, 2006

My Oma's funeral

Hello Everyone,

It's been exactly one week since the funeral. The ceremony was so beautiful. It was closed casket. No one carried the casket. Instead, they slowly rolled in on wheels to her grave. While they rolled the casket and we walked, Mozart was playing. It was beautiful and so sad. I cried and let the tears roll down my face. I remember when I was in the same cemetary with my grandma visiting my grandpa's grave. Now she is under the ground next to him.

So many people came to her funeral. It was nice to see that so many people loved my grandma, and I realized how lucky I was that she was my grandma. She used to help mentally handicapped patients and I saw a couple of them at her funeral. Her boyfriend is now going to take care of them, but I know that they miss her. How could they not.

I am so glad that I went to her funeral. It was my chance to say a proper goodbye to her and it was healing for me to put a rose on her casket. I dressed my best for her and wore her black scarf. I wanted her to know that I love her so much and that I hope I will see her again somehow.

I 've been thinking about her a lot, and I really want to live my life like her. I saw her pictures when she was younger and she was always smiling in the pictures. She was spunky and loved life, despite all the hardships she faced. She also loved my grandpa so much. After he passed away she eventually found Toni, her partner for the rest of her life. She was so happy around him. She was not afraid to fall in love. She always asked me if I had a boyfriend because she wanted me to experience love, like she did.

I hope to be active like she was. She volunteered her time with the mentally challenged, and the mountains. On the mountains she cooked meals for people hiking that stopped by to purchase a meal. I also loved that she traveled all over the world. She had so many friends.

But one thing I realized was that she made such an effort to be in our lives. She flew over here so many times to visit my mom, brother and me. I was looking at my baby pictures and she was holding me and smiling. She made sure I knew she was there for me. The nicest thing she did for me was send me to a German language school so that I could learn proper German so that I could communicate with her.

I wish I could hear her say my name once more or just one more laugh. I dreamed about her last night and it was so real. It was nice to see her again. It's the only way I can see her now.

I am okay with God taking her but I can't help wishing that I could have been there even five minutes before her death. I just wanted the chance to hug her and tell her I love her. Her death made me realize that our time is limited. I just wish I had the chance to say goodbye.


Friday, September 8, 2006

In Austria

Hello there my lovelies,

Today was the funeral. I have lots to write about it but I will save it for later because I have pictures.

I am still heartbroken over her death. It happened so suddenly. Last week she was alive and laughing. I would have never imagined that I would be here in Austria again so soon. I wish I could just get over it, but I know it takes time. I really loved her.

Last time I saw her was in June last year. She dropped me off at the Munich airport. Before then we went to her apartment and her house where she lived with her boyfriend. This time I flew into Munich alone. I walked by the restaurant that we had our last meal together at. That was sad.Visiting her apartment was very hard. When I went to where she lived with her boyfriend I saw her car there in the driveway as well as her shoes in the hall and her cellphone on the table. Her cell service still has to be cancelled.

It dawned on me while I was in all of these places that she is not traveling somewhere. She is never coming back. I will never see her again. She used to scold me for touching her things. Now I am touching them and I wish she were here to yell at me to stop.

The memorial service and the funeral were both beautiful. I cried so much. I wore my lilac Calvin Klein suit and favorite shoes. It was my last chance to look good for her and be there for her. I saw so many people that loved her. We all had one common denominator: a wonderful woman that lived her live to the fullest. She lived and loved and was always happy. The new quote on my blog is something she used to tell my mother growing up.

God really blessed me by giving her to me as a grandmother.

Friday, September 1, 2006

More on my grandma

Hello Everyone,

Dealing with my grandma's death is harder than I thought. She was 71. That's still too young to go in my family.

At work I deal with a lot of people. It's hard to talk to old ladies. Some of them have the same gestures as my grandma. Some smile the way my grandma did. Some show the same kindness to me in a sentence. Calling me sweetheart brings a tear to my eye. It's simple things that set me off. Watching an older woman walk around and think out loud totally reminds me of her. I loved how she called herself an old woman, when she totally coulda passed as being my mother.

Everytime I went to Austria I could count on my grandma being around and asking me questions slowly in German as to make sure I understood correctly. Sandra, do you have a boyfriend ? Sandra, can you cook ? Now I am going back to bury her and realize that I am glad I took the opportunity to visit her when I could.

I bought a plane ticket to fly and attend her funeral. It's the least I could do for her. I am not looking forward to the trip. It's very short, and I am gonna face a lot of sadness that I just don't want to face. I don't want to see her body with no life. But I want to be with my aunts and cousins and I want to put this pain to rest. And I believe this will help me heal.

I just hope that she knows that I loved her very much. I know she loved me.


Thursday, August 31, 2006

In memory of my Oma


Today my grandmother in Austria passed away. Needless to say, I am very heartbroken and sad about it. People keep telling me that she is in a better place. Yeah, I know. Thanks for trying, but that does not help me feel better. I try to carry on with my day, but sometimes I just break down and cry for a few minutes.

She was already in a good place here on earth. She was happy, loved to help people and volunteer her time, and she was proud of being Austrian. She didn't want to be part of the EU. She loved her country. She was also healthy. She loved her family, and I love her very much.

We don't know why she died. I guess she was doing some work in the house and just fell over. By the time the ambulance came she was gone. It all happened so fast. I thought that she would live for at least another 10 years. I miss her already.

She was happy and she loved life and I want to live my life like that. I wish I could have talked to her more. I wish I coulda seen her more. But I don't have any big regrets with her. She came to visit us here in the states and I went over to visit her in Austria as many times as I could. She made sure I learned German and learned about Austrian culture.

I think that I have a lot of my Oma in me. I have her deep set eyes and her mischevious grin. I also have her temper. I speak German like her (after all, she taught me). I am kind, and I am happy in general. Yeah, I can be cynical and complain. However, I am the type of person that sees the good in people, I stay away from most people that aren't good for me and I have the desire to help people and see each person as a human being. Just like my grandma.

To all of you out there that still have a grandma, treasure her. Grandmas are treasures that should never be taken for granted. Grandmas are a girl's best friend. They are wise and on your side, and know how to spoil you. I am so happy that I was a part of her life and that I took full advantage of the opportunities to spend time with her. I would very much like to attend her funeral in Austria and say good bye to her.

I still have one grandma left here in California. I love her very much. I can't wait to see her for the holidays.


Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Hello there my lovelies,

I didn't see my cat friend today. I was hoping to feed her. I even had cat food. Oh well. I am sure someone else is showering her with affection.

Yesterday one of my customers brought in his pet bird on his shoulder. It was a beautiful bird with a sassy attitude. The bird said hello and it also whistled at me. It made my day. I love it when people bring in thier pets.

Today I had a half day at work. I did some errands after and came home and took a little nap. I get the half day today because I have to work on Saturday.

I have no energy to clean and organize my room. (sigh)

Monday, August 21, 2006

Stray Cat

Hello there my lovelies,

I was too busy complaining yesterday that I forgot to mention that I had a stray cat come up to me. I pet it once before. But this time it instinctively knew that I had just come home. I think cats have a 6th sense. It was a gray stray cat and it kept on rubbing its head against my leg. It also layed on its back and rolled around so that I would rub its tummy. It was so adorable. I reached out and pet it, and it let me scratch its head.

It was meowing and I brought out some tuna for it. It kinda yelped and jumped when I brought out the tuna. It was so cute.

I don't know when we'll see each other again.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Hello there my lovelies,

I have to admit. I still feel like crap. My stomach is all tense and I don't want to eat anything. Luckily I ate a lot yesterday because I was hungry. I really need someone to talk to. I talked to a couple of friends yesterday and they made me feel better. But going to bed is the worst because I can't sleep and I wake up very early.

I just feel so alone. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I feel like I am starting not to care about life anymore. I need to get out of bed and clean my room. I think I may start to feel better if I clean up my room a little.

I have a lot more to say, but I am gonna stop here for now.

Monday, August 14, 2006

I swear. In a past life I must have walked all over men and broken so many hearts. Because in this life I feel like I am getting payback. For every good moment I have it is followed up by 5 awful ones. I don't know how long this will continue. And I haven't even done anything wrong. I've never stomped on a man's heart.

Today was awful. I don't want to talk about it here in public. I feel so alone and I feel pain right now. I also lost my appetite.

I also have the worst luck in finding a job.

Anyways, I am done for now.


I just feel really depressed and I can't take it anymore.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Work and Dance

Hello there my lovelies,

It's official. I am tired of my current job. I can't hide it anymore. I still take pride in what I do and I still work my ass off. But I am just beat and tired. I applied for a position within the company that might transfer me to Puerto Rico. They want to open up new branches there. But let's be honest. There are hundreds of candidates and only 6 can go. I am sure that there are people FROM Puerto Rico that work at for the company that they'll hire. I put my name in because I figure it's worth a shot. What have I got to lose? The guy in charge sent me an email to tell me he got my resume and will contact me if I'm qualified. His number is there in the mail so I figured I should give him a call on Monday.

What else ? I have a bellydance fair here in San Jose on Sept 24th that I am rehearsing for on Sunday. I am gonna start practicing with my old troupe again. I will be dancing with the sword with another gal.

I really prefer to dance with the sword alone. I like to hog the attention. Either that or I prefer to dance with my best friend/dance partner Mary because she taught me the sword and we have good chemistry on stage. But oh well. I just wanna get out there and work it.

I really enjoyed performing at the last bellydance fair because all eyes were on me. I was on stage with other girls. A few danced with veils and a few had another sword. But I was the only one on the floor with a sword on my head and people loved it. I miss that.

Anyways, thats all for now. I am gonna go get ready for some dance practice.


Tuesday, August 1, 2006


Hello there my lovelies,

I am annoyed. My CD player in my car is broken. So is the CD player in my room. The air conditioning in the house is also busted. Not to mention that there is no hot water because my roommate turned it off. The weather is cooling down so taking a shower and washing my long hair with cold water is uncomfortable. Today I boiled a pot of water so I could take a warm bath. Did I also mention that my microwave is busted?  I have to boil water and use the oven instead. I lived like this while I was in Spain.

But its not so bad.

Anyways, just thought I would share.

Bye for now.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Barcelona Connect

Hello there again my lovelies,

I was in one of my old email accounts I used while I lived in Barcelona and I was sent a link of the magazine that I used to religiously read while I was there. It's called Barcelona Connect and it's in English.

I collected these magazines and still have them here in my room. They were free, colorful and full of information in English. For once, I didn't have to struggle to understand what I was reading. There were stories with beautiful pictures that talked about Barcelona culture, notices of events and publis services.

I can still read the magazine online. But nothing beats having that big, glossy magazine in my hands.

While I was living there there was also a free newspaper called Catalan today. It was available at every newsstand and it was easy to find. It was also free and talked about important issues such as Spain voting in the EU elections, immigration, and Catalan culture. I read that paper religiously. Unfortunately some dipshit decided to publish it only once a week, sell it in select newsstands and charge for it. But I still loved it.

Reading that magazine online brings back memories of why I love that city. Language schools are cheap, parties are plentiful, people are happy in general and how could I forget the nightclubs and beaches.


Hello there my lovelies,

I found some CDs that no one claimed at work. One of them is NSync. I am listening to them right now and I can't believe that I still like them. Jeez, sometimes I feel like I am still in high school.

I am hungry right now, but too lazy to get up and make some food. Plus, I am supposed to go and practice dance. But that ain't gonna happen either. I may go to the gym. But at this point who knows.

It's so hot outside. I'm sure that hell has better weather right now. I worked in the s weather yesterday and I gotta say that I couldn't think straight.

What else ? I could write about men and how they don't understand women, but I won't. I'll spare y'all. FOR NOW.

Anyways, I am gonna go now. Ciao Ciao.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Hello Everyone,

I'm not sure about what's really going on between Israel and Lebanon. I am glad that the news are showing more graphic images on the news. We need to see what's going on in the world. I'm not big on political correctness when it comes to violence.

I was listening to the news and heard that Americans had to pay for their evacuations. So what if an American in Lebanon can't afford a ride home ? He's left to die? Isn't it the duty of the US Embassy to keep its citizens safe ? I also learned that the Americans that registered in the US Embassy were guaranteed a place on the boatride to the nearest airport. So, the moral of the story is to register with the US Embassy when you travel abroad for an extended period of time.

The biggest mistake I made when I went to Barcelona was not registering with the US Embassy. I was living there illegally and didn't want the Spanish govt to know I was there. What I didn't realize was that Spanish govt didn't care nor check on who's there. It would've only helped me. Had I registered there, my family could have found me if  they needed to. I also would have been able to prove that I had resided in Spain and therefore been able to obtain legal residency.

I feel sad knowing that Lebanon is being bombed. I've wanted to visit Lebanon. I heard that it is a beautiful country. And the people there are so beautiful. I also love listening to Lebanese music when I bellydance. I hope the fighing stops soon.

Anyways, I am really tired so I am gonna go for now.


Sunday, July 16, 2006

My first letter of appreciation

Hello there my lovelies,

I have worked in customer service for a while now. And last week I received my first letter of appreciation from one of my customers that works at one of the dealerships. It was so nice of him to do that for me. I did go out of my way for him, but I also do that for most of my customers without thinking twice.

If I get wonderful customer service I thank the person profusely or tip well, but that's it. I really don't go farther than that. But this man that wrote me a letter made me think twice about writing letters. Next time someone goes out of their way for me, I'll write a letter.

That letter made me feel so good. I bust my ass and sometimes I just feel burned out. And this guy realized that and went the extra mile for me.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

My random thoughts

Hello there my lovelies,

Well my Aunt Flo likes to visit me once a month and raise hell. Every woman has an Aunt Flo. And yesterday was my lucky day. I am in so much pain. I don't even want to have children. Can't I somehow waive this part of womanhood?

Work has been so busy lately. I looked at my paycheck and I wanted to cry. I looked at the section of the taxes held for my W2, and it is almost as much as I took home so far this year. I am not rich. I am struggling. I work over 60 hours a week for such little pay. I can make time to look for another job. But I can't make time to go on interviews. People that work where I work totally understand where I am coming from. I can't just up and quit because I live from paycheck to paycheck. 

I want to work for the Federal government, but getting those jobs are so difficult. I don't even know where to begin. There has got to be something better out there. I just have to be positive.

I did get my first issue of my Bellydance magazine in the mail. It was so exciting. There were articles and advertisements. It's the only magazine where I actually enjoy the advertisements. It only come four times a year, but its totally worth the wait.

I studied Spanish from Spain and lived in Barcelona for a year, so the Spanish I learned there is different from the Spanish here. People here that speak Spanish mix in English into the vocabulary. I don't like americanized Spanish. I like Spanish that is rich in the culture. If I am gonna learn a language, I want to learn it the right way. I believe that learning the language of another country is the key to understanding its culture.

Oh, and how could I forget to write about Brad. I saw him a couple of weeks ago. I had a nice evening. We had fun. I like the guy, but I also realized that I should just let him go. He is going through a lot and he needs his space. I tried to be there for him, but he wouldnt let me and told me that I wouldn't understand his pain. I learned that the man isn't that into me, even though he said he was.

I don't want to be angry with him, so I told him that I am moving on and that he doesn't have to worry about me calling him and texing him anymore. I told him he can call me when he's ready to let me in and allow me to really be a part of his life.

He may or may not. Either way, the ball is in his court. And I am done making the move. I gave it my all, so when I told him I was through calling him, I meant it. And even if he does come back ( I have no reason to believe he will) and I am with someone, thats his loss and he's gonna finally understand how I've felt.

Anyways, I've said enough for today. I am gonna go do something useful. (Like clean my room.)





Sunday, July 9, 2006

Nice Sunday :)

Hello there my lovelies,

Yesterday I went for a followup appointment with my optometrist. Turns out that my vision is 20/10, which is better than 20/20. It is so wonderful that I can finally wear sunglasses. It is also nice that I don't have to wear glasses all the time.

Today I had brunch with my girlfriends in San Francisco. My best friend from college is getting married and us gals are her bridesmaids. It was a nice brunch, but I could also see that we changed a lot since college.

The weather in the city was absolutely gorgeous. I went for a walk and took in the sunshine. Afterwards I practiced some dance moves with my friend. It was a nice workout.

Tommorow I have to go back to the daily grind. I needed this three day weekend badly. Even though I was useless on Friday because of my eye surgery, it was the best sleep I had in a long time.

Anyways, I am gonna sign off now.


Saturday, July 8, 2006

No More Glasses

Hello there my lovelies,

I finally did it !! I had eye surgery yesterday and now my vision is perfect. My eye doc said my vision is 20/10 which is better than 20/20. I have some scars on my eyes, and my eyes are still sensitive, but I should be all healed within a couple of weeks.

I was so nervous before the surgery. The procedure only took 15 minutes, but I still had to have my eyes looked at before I went into surgery. The docs gave me various eye drops and valium to calm my nerves. So many people that have had lasik before told me that it was fast and painless.

It wasn't painless for me. My eyes are sensitive and I would rather go to the dentist to have my teeth drilled. It was painless for the most part, but when the doc put the vacuum on my eyeball to make the cut I freaked out. I saw black and stars for a few seconds and that freaked me out too. Without my vision I feel powerless.

But my doc did a wonderful job and the staff was nice to me. I would totally recommend him. After I was done I went down to the pharmacy to buy some sleeping pills and junk food. Those sour cream and onion chips and that rocky road candy bar that I had was the best junk food ever. I felt I was entitled after all the stress I went through.

After I got home I went to sleep and slept for the rest of the day. It was the best sleep I had in a long time.

Anyways, thats all I have to say for now.



Tuesday, July 4, 2006

Happy 4th of July !!!

Hello there my lovelies,

Well, I must say that its been quite a while since I've updated here. Wow.

Happy 4th of July to you all. I am staying home today. I could go out and watch the fireworks, but I don't feel like going downtown without makeup. I am gonna have Lasik on Friday and I am not allowed to wear makeup three days before. I am nervous about the procedure.

Well, y'all know that I want to work for Department of Homeland Security and work with people trying to immigrate here to the US. The process of getting a job is absolutely frustrating. I don't even know where to begin. I have applied to so many positions and the process of applying to each position is grueling. Not only do you have to read this long ass list of descriptions and requirements. I also have to answer a long questionaire, fax my resume AND other documents such as transcripts.

 I always get rejection letters saying that I'm not even qualified. Which I know is bullshit in some cases. For example, I applied to a secretarial position. I speak Spanish, have experience performing secretarial duties AND I have a degree in business. I was floored.

But lately, I got some letters saying that I am QUALIFIED, but that they selected others more qualified than I am and that they might consider me later. THAT is a step in the right direction. At least I got considered. I mean, normally I would have considered that rejection too and felt bad. But after all the "Sorry, you're not qualified" letters that have flooded my mailbox, I figure that things can only get better.

I am gonna keep doing all the grueling work. I feel like I am wasting my time. But I am gonna keep applying for these jobs, no matter how many times I get rejected. I am so overworked in my current job. There is no fucking way that I can continue to live like this. I mean, whats the worst that can happen ?

Right now I have a lot of debt and my paycheck mainly goes to paying off my debts because I don't earn that much. There has got to be a better way. And I just need to keep my head up and continue to think positive.

I sleep on an air matress. Ever since I came back from Spain a year ago and got a car and had other bills to pay a bed was not a high priority. But now I think it would be nice to sleep on a real bed. I looked around at different places and didn't realize how expensive a bed is. Maybe I can finally get one when my tax return comes in.

Anyways, I am gonna go for now. Ciao Ciao.