Sunday, September 18, 2016

I'm Back !

What's up my Bitches?

You aren't bitches, but that is my favorite greeting, so I used it. I may or may not use it again.

So I have not been posting lately, mainly due to laziness. I have so many things I want to say, but then I remember that there is a new episode of The Real Housewives I haven't seen (I watch them all), or I want ice cream or I would rather cuddle with my cat.

Which brings me to the next two pieces of news, in case you aren't stalking my Facebook page:

1) I finally bought my own condo.
2) I got a cat to match.

When I lived in California, owning my own place was simply not realistic, and because I never had my own place, I did not want to bring an animal into that uncertainty. I wanted to make sure that I could commit to caring for an animal in one place.

I got my beautiful black cat, Zack from Pet Supermarket, after closing on my home. I was just walking by the window one day, looking at cats and I noticed a beautiful black cat with a little spot of white stray hairs on his neck and shiny green eyes. He was shy and did not move, he just looked at me, and then looked away. I was told that he was a year and a half old, and that he had lived in the shelter all his life, and that nobody had adopted him yet. I wondered what it must have felt like, watching all his other cat buddies get adopted, but not him? When I saw him at the shelter, he was with a brown tabby cat named Alice. He was snoozing with her.

I always want to take cats home when window shopping, but I could not stop thinking about the beautiful black cat I saw. If he wasn't adopted by the time I came back, he would be mine. I thought it was sad that he had never been adopted.

Lo and behold, he was still there a couple of days later, and I started the adoption paperwork. I took him home for good a couple of days later. I liked his friend Alice, and when he got put in his crate, she looked at me and gave me a look of "why not me too"? I felt a little guilty, but I later heard she got adopted a few days later.

Anywho, here is my new cat in my new home. He was shy for the first couple of months, but he has warmed up to me lately. Once in a while when I fall asleep, I will wake up to him next to me, purring.

More on mon chat noir, later !

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Have you been drinking the kool aid ?

What's up my little Marshmallows ?

Happy Sunday ! I have been meaning to write you all for a while, but then I got addicted to court television. I have been watching bootlegged clips off You Tube for Judge Judy, Judge Mathis, and Judge Milian. I realize that these "judges" in reality are really arbitrators, and I know that they may not be following the letter of the law to a T, but that's not why I watch it. I watch it to see the judges' line of questioning. It is interesting to watch people not only be willing to put their private business on television, but also straight up lie to the judges. I always love it when they are caught in lies. If you take emotion out of the equation and rely mainly on logic, it really isn't so hard to catch someone in a lie.

So yeah, that is how I have been occupying my free time on weekends.

And what about you, my darlings ? I guess I have some catching up to do.

So last night I was watching Jonestown: Paradise Lost, on Netflix. For those of you that don't have Netflix, how could you miss out on something so cheap and entertaining ? Just kidding, if you don't have Netlix, you can find it on YouTube, aka YouBoob for free. Free is better than cheap !

Anyway, I am fairly certain you have heard about Jim Jones and his Jonestown cult, since that is where the term "drinking the kool-aid" originated. And for those of you who don't know, I was raised in a cult from about the age of 4 until I left for good at age 25.

Before I watched the documentary last night I really never read any of the Jonestown stories because it ended in a mass suicide/murder and I really hate reading about suicide.

But last night I decided to just watch it with an open mind, and while watching it I felt a little sick to my stomach. The reason I felt disturbed, because apart from the suicide/murders/sexual assault, my experience growing up was eerily similar.

And let's keep it real: I was lucky. I was never sexually assaulted, and we were never poisoned/medicated. I am also lucky because I got out. I was able to leave and start my life over at a young age.

Unfortunately cult stories are still misunderstood in society, because it is still taboo. If you are dealing with certain issues such as terminal illness or domestic violence, there are fundraisers for that, shelters, hospices, and people will rally around you and help you get better.

With cults, it is largely misunderstood, because people blame you for getting involved and don't understand the concept of vulnerability, mind control. combined with the desire to help others. Because I was there as a child and had no say in the matter, people are less judgmental towards me, but still look at me sideways and don't understand what I am talking about, and I get it. This isn't common in society, it is one of those things that exist in the underbelly of society, and still, no one really wants to talk about.

Anyway, while watching the documentary, I felt like I was reliving my childhood. I grew up in the Bay Area in California, and Jim Jones had his Temple there for years before moving to Guyana. Our cult leader had been trying to build an isolated commune for years, and it almost because became a reality in New Mexico, isolated from others.

Sharon Amos in the documentary reminded me very much of my own mother. Sharon Amos was married and had a child before joining the cult. She became one of the most zealous members, changed her name, and ended up killing her children. Her ex husband, although was not a part of the cult, tried to visit his only daughter. This was eerily similar to my situation. My mother was and still is a zealous member of the cult. To this day, my mother feels I betrayed her and has essentially turned her back on me. She has changed her name multiple times, and she basically stopped raising my brother and I when I was about 8 years old. Instead, she became a full-time, live-in servant for the cult leader. Before then she was a caring and wonderful mother. Since then, she has broken almost every promise she ever made to us, and would sell us out to the cultleader by any means necessary. I feel now it is best to just not even talk to her anymore, since there is no way I can tell her anything without her funneling information back into the group.

While I was in the cult, the cult leader and my mother really did a fine number on turning my brother and I against our father. My father used to be in the cult, but left when I was about 13. Once he left, he was allowed to see us, but only because he was paying child support and it was required by law. And my dad faithfully paid, but my mother took that money and gave it to the cult leader.

Watching the documentary brought back memories of my father trying to do the right thing for my brother and I, but instead getting ridiculed behind his back, and his attempts at getting us out were thwarted by my mother.

I am convinced that if the crazy cult leader asked my mom to do something crazy like move us out of the country, or have us die together, she would have. That is how committed to the cause she was, and still is.

What really gave me the creeps was watching Jim Jones talk to people. How he talked to people was pretty much exactly how our cult leader spoke to us. How he instructed his followers to answer to the media was pretty much exactly how we were instructed to talk to the press. It was always an "us vs. them" mentality. The whole world was against us, the classic battle of good vs. evil. We were the angels that were chosen to lead others into the path of God, while the rest of society needed guidance. Not only did they need guidance, but they were against us. I grew up thinking everyone that wasn't in the group was full of "bad" energy, including my own family, which resulted in consequences that has taken years to work through.

Anyway, I could write about this all day, but I am going to stop here for now and possibly write more later.

Huggles !

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Thrifting it

What's Up My Little Butterflies ?

Lately I have been hearing stories from my friends about dumpster diving, and all the treasures that can be found. Am I the only one that refuses to dig through a dumpster ? I used to as a kid to collect soda cans to recycle, and that was disgusting enough. Shop owners would see me, a ten year old in their dumpsters, and feel sorry for me, thinking I was starving. I was just trying to save enough money to buy a nice aquarium. I did have a nice aquarium for a while. It was fun while it lasted. I used to cut out magazine pages for the background, and every trip to the fish store was a huge deal for me.

But anywho, I have never dived in dumpsters for food, clothing or furniture. Now I won't knock it completely, because I know that many people have found success with it, and have furnished their entire apartments with dumpster finds.

Let's just say that any possible curiosity I had about dumpster diving for the stuff mentioned above, was killed three years ago when I had bedbugs.

Over three years ago, I found my first apartment, and was ready to live on my own for the first time in my life. Because accessing my place  with a truck was so diffcult, and mattresses are so expensive, the only other alternative was to buy the mattress from the previous tenant. She seemed like a sweet person, and the apartment was clean, and the apartment manager encouraged me to buy the mattress.

So, I bought the mattress. It took a couple of weeks for anything to happen, but then I slowly started to itch. It slowly got worse, and the itching got so bad that I had to find the source of the problem. I couldn't take it anymore. My instincts just led me to the bed, and I took off the sheets, of the bed, and got to the mattress which was bloody. I was starting to feel sick to my stomach, so I decided to flip the mattress over, and saw the large bedbugs sitting there, with a huge new litter of newly birthed bugs crawling around. At that moment, I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I started to hyperventilate.

I of course went to the managers/owners and they told me there was no way the previous tenant could have brought in bugs. They told me they could be anything, and I told them to see for themselves. They took some bugs to get tested, and voila ! I was right.

After that day, I refused to sleep in my place. I was so lucky that my friend took me in. I lasted a total of two weeks in my new place, and have since not lived alone in a place I could call my own. Of course the managers tried to insinuate that I had brought them bugs. I told them to just give me back my deposit and I would leave, and never mention anything. I just wanted to get out of there. I begged them to let me leave immediately, but they refused. They could not understand why I was so hysterical. I had to leave my stuff there until they could heat treat the place, which was another week.

Luckily they gave me my deposit back, and I got the fuck out of there. They could not understand why I wanted to move. Their reasoning was that since the problem was taken care of, I should just give them another chance, but that is not how bedbugs operate. They are hard to kill, and the psychological aspect of dealing with bedbugs is way worse than the physical aspect, and the physical part is torture too. I had over a hundred bites, that would not go away. It took three weeks and loads of Benadryl for things to calm down.

I was calm and polite, and gave the managers a chance to rectify the problem, and they did. I think at the end, we were both happy to get away from each other.

So the moral of my story, is DO NOT DUMPSTER DIVE !!!! I won't even buy furniture at Goodwill.

I will buy clothing at Goodwill, but I will wash it and dry it in high heat to kill any possible bugs. But furniture is such a gamble. Televisions can harbor roaches, and beds and dressers are a hiding p

After that experience, I got rid of over half of my belongings and vowed to become a minimalist. I now hate clutter, and don't really buy things unless I need them. I enjoy not owning a lot of things.

Anyway, I think that is all for now. I guess all of the talk of dumpster diving lately has made me go a little crazy and I had to share.

Ciaosies !

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

When You Are Depressed....................

1) Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, and second by second if you have to. If all you can do is shower and wash the dishes, that is okay. At least you did something.

2) When you are depressed, sometimes the motivational speeches will be of no help. Joel Osteen and Tony Robbins will tell you that you can just change your attitude magically, that you can simply choose to be happy. Just pray, just give it to God ! While it may be helpful and you can certainly do those things, the results won't be instantaneous. Don't beat yourself up if it takes a few days or weeks for things to get better.

3) I don't think the Law of Attraction is helpful to people with anxiety and depression. Because basically what you are telling that person, is that it's really their fault for feeling horrible. The Law of Attraction basically states that you reap what you manifest in your mind, and what you receive is a direct result of what you project in your mind. So if someone feels like shit and ends up not being able to get out of bed, that person brought it all upon him/herself. I think that is just full of shit.

First of all, though the Law of Attraction is a law and may have some validity to it, it is not the ONLY universal law out there. Not only that, but the Law of Attraction is kind of egotistical, it leads us to believe that we are the only ones in the world making decisions, and the actions of others have no effect on us, we are the center of the universe.

Though positive thinking can be helpful, and projecting good thoughts about your future is very healthy, things will come along in life that will fuck that up for you. Meaning things beyond your control happen. You could get into a car accident, or lose someone close to you, and you can't control these things with the power of positive thinking. Positive thinking may push you closer to your goal, but it doesn't allow you to have bad days.

4) The best way of getting over depression is to get through it, meaning accepting your feelings and feeling them. Being with your thoughts, examining them and acknowledging them, you are demonstrating that you are no longer afraid of those thoughts, and that is when the journey begins to get a little easier.

5) Many self help gurus will harp on positive thinking, they don't really get you to become one with your traumatizing thoughts. They want you to mask it, and pretend they don't exist. It is usually therapists that will make you explore your dark thoughts and get you to talk about them.

A motivational speaker will tell you that when you are experiencing depression or debilitating thoughts, that you should get up and do something. Tell yourself that you are not going to feel sad anymore, tell your depression to go away, and eventually it will. Or fight those feelings. Fighting feelings has always made me feel worse, and more of a failure. Once you fight feelings, they just get stronger.

Feelings don't go away just because you tell them to. They go away once you deal with them. and unfortunately, people in the self help industry that have a large following fail to mention this because it requires people to put in a lot of hard work and relive those emotions, and no one really wants to do that. People are so tired of their depression, the last thing they want to do is experience more of it, they want instant results, which is totally understandable, but it's not how it usually works.

6) Things sometimes have to get worse before they get better. No one will ever tell you that once you begin your journey in healing yourself that things get worse before they get better, Sometimes they get way worse, Could you imagine paying someone to help you, and instead of seeing results, you feel worse and take a couple of steps back ? No one will warn you of that. And I think this discourages people, and they just stop.

When I started to go on medication, I got way worse before I felt any relief. I lost my appetite for two weeks. I felt tired, and drunk, and miserable. But after two weeks of my body adjusting to the medication, I got my life back and started to feel better.

When I first went into therapy, I had to talk about things that I couldn't bring myself to talk about. I used to spend tons of hours crying on the couch. But eventually I got much better.

7) Depression is Cyclical. When you get better, you're not going to be feeling better forever. because you will go back to having bad days. So, when you have your bad days, don't be scared that you are falling into old patterns. The difference, is now you have better tools to help you navigate through your Depression, and can pick yourself up faster.

8) Some people say their depression was cured. That probably won't happen for you. You may feel better for a while, and may be using your tools to cope better. But depression is an addiction.

9) My personal belief is that drug addicts and depressed/anxious people have a lot of the same underlying feelings. When I started reading books on dealing with anxiety and depression, some of the best advice was in the books for addicts.

10) I am not an addict, but it is my personal belief that people become addicts when they don't know how to deal with their feelings in a healthy matter. If there weren't such a stigma against addicts, I think they could really help people dealing with depression. They are extreme examples of what happens when depression is not dealt with, and when feelings are suppressed for a long time.

That is all I have got for today. Till next time !

Sunday, August 9, 2015

My Strengths in the Kitchen.........

Hello My Little Appetizers...................

My grandmother once told me that the way into a man's heart is through his stomach. I am sure some of you are smirking right now and muttering under your breath "that isn't the only way", but let's just keep it PG today, okay ?

I am very lazy, but I am also shy in the kitchen and I don't like to cook for others. I only cook for close friends, and someone I am dating.  So here are some of the tricks up my sleeve, as cooking can be considered a mating dance.

1) Macaroni and cheese with hotdogs.
2) Chocolate chip cookies/brownies that will knock your socks off
3) Gratuitous, crispy grilled cheese sandwiches loaded with butter.
4) Tuna melt sandwhiches with crispy bacon.
5) Poached eggs
6) Strawberries and coconut whipped cream.

And last weekend, I added one more to my war chest....................

Korean BBQ Ribs............ I made this last weekend for the first time, and it was a success !

Eat your hearts out !!!!