Saturday, May 30, 2020

2020- What a time to be alive, huh?

Hello My Little Ducklings,

What a year, huh? When the new year first hit, I had grand plans of traveling overseas this year, since I haven't been overseas since 2013. I wanted to visit family in Austria and visit other countries I've never been to before such as Poland, or possibly the Balkans. Hahahahahahaha!! Definitely not happening now, for obvious reasons aka CORONA VIRUS. But also, let's just say if I were crazy enough to venture out during such a time, my passport is expiring soon, and the Dept. of State is not issuing any new passports unless it's an emergency. Also, I would hate to be stranded abroad due to virus issues and border closings. I think I will just stay put here at home for a while longer.

Also, in late January, early February I got a nasty flu. I will never know if it was the Corona virus, and probably not, but I was really sick for a good week or two. My legs were aching, I was lightheaded, I lost my sense of taste, and I had a nasty fever, I was m i s e r a b l e. I cried a lot, and sweated so much I soaked the bed at night.

What else, I also lost a long-time friend I had made in Florida. We were friends for about six years. It basically ended over a meme over a communism pun I posted on Facebook. She decided to retaliate and basically left choice words on a holocaust remembrance post of mine and then deleted all of my comments I left on her other posts and blocked most of what I could see on her wall. I couldn't believe it, as my Polish coworkers grew up in the Communist era and thought the meme was funny. No talking to me and explaining her feelings, no texting me in private. I actually tried reaching out to her to talk to her, but she was non-responsive, and would not take my apology.

And she had actually done this to me four years ago, and the only reason we made up was because I reached out to a mutual friend after she blocked me, and he coaxed her into messaging me. So we cleared the air and became friends again.

That friend, Jimmy passed away in December 2018. So not only do we no longer have any mutual friends (she burned through them all including Jimmy before he passed) but I got sick of her shit as well. I finally ended up blocking her, deleting her number, and getting rid of anything she ever gave me.

My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. I never realized how much she was slowly draining my energy the longer our friendship went on. I don't miss walking on eggshells around her, I don't miss her going on political tirades and tagging me on Facebook, and I definitely don't miss her falling out with mutual friends and then pressuring me to avoid them as well. I was starting to resent her, and didn't want to just cut her off. So when this all happened, I was stunned at first, but then realized I got what I had been hoping for after all.

Well kittens, that is all for now. I hope to return and update you all (aka one or two readers lol).



Sunday, December 8, 2019

2019 Coming to a close

Hello My Little Marshmallows,

2019 is about to end, and it's been about a year since I last posted. I can safely say that I don't think that anyone reads my posts anymore, and I understand. Jimmy who I think was my last remaining faithful reader passed away exactly a year ago, and I am here to honor him and let him know I am remembering him today.

I am also listening to Linkin Park with Chester Bennington screaming out his lyrics. Sadly, he is gone too. But I am grateful for his music. It provided some comfort to me when I started dealing with my anxiety and depression symptoms in college.

That is all for now folks, I don't really have much more to say right now.

Saturday, December 15, 2018

Goodbye My Friend, Jimmy Sullivan

Hello My Little Buttercups...............

This post is really hard for me to write, but I have to do it to honor my friend and deal with my emotions. I have had some sangria, and I am listening to some alternative music by candlelight.

 For Starters, here is his blog:

Jimmy died last Saturday, and I didn't know until Monday morning when Luly said she saw something on Facebook but wasn't sure. Something in my gut told me it was true. I immediately called his phone, and fully expected it to go to voicemail. I was about to resign myself to the fact that I would have to speak to a machine/recording, but his sister answered the phone. I was just so relieved that when I called his number, it was answered one last time, even if it wasn't him. His sister saw that my name was saved in his phone, and took my call. She said she was finding out that he had a lot of friends. She was trying to keep it together, but I could tell she was about to cry at any moment, and I felt so bad for her, and didn't want to take up any of her time or energy, but I was so relieved to get her, and so grateful she took my call.

I first started blogging in 2003 met Jimmy online around 2007/2008 when it was AOL Journals. Then around 2008, AOL decided to stop hosting blogs, and said we could transfer everything to Blogger, which we both did. We kept reading each others' blogs and commenting, but never thought much of it, I never thought I would end up moving to Florida.

But in a twist of fate, I did move to Florida, and I met Jimmy and another blogger, Ileana in 2014 at his favorite watering hole, Area 51. He would always talk about about "Area 51", his favorite bar in Miami Springs.

Life is funny. I was so unhappy in California, and wanted so desperately to move to Florida. I was reading Ileana's blog and I was so envious of her life in tropical Florida as an artist. I never thought I would also meet Jimmy, but through her I also met Jimmy, and was finally able to put the pieces together and see for myself "Area 51" and hear his witty jokes in person.

Though Jimmy was almost forty years older than I, he had a witty and twisted sense of humor that I loved. I stole a lot of his jokes and punchlines over the past ten years. We both also had a love for cats. He would always talk about his cats, Samantha and Scooter.

Jimmy's death has hit me much harder than I expected. I have been on Prozac for the past four years to manage my depression, and this drug has been a life saver. My depression has been kept at bay, and has allowed me the ability to do thinks like stare at a wall and simply enjoy the silence. But when Jimmy died, it's as if my depression has come out to play with me. It's like an old, familiar bad influence has come out of hibernation to tell me that he has been thinking of me, that he always knew I would be there for him.  No matter how much I try to hide it,  we are tied together. He wants me to join him. He wants me to relive the old days with him, when I would isolate myself and cry, or isolate myself and watch tv from dawn to dusk, or just lie in bed or on the bathroom floor because the weight on my chest was too heavy. No matter where I go, there it is, even if it's dormant. It's always there, just waiting to be awakened.

Though Jimmy was in his seventies and had some health issues, somehow I thought he would be around for much longer. I guess I thought his witty personality and jokes alone would carry him at least into his eighties. I thought he had a lot more time. Also probably because I am in my late thirties and haven't experienced a lot of loss, compared to most people, which has been a huge blessing, but at some point it comes to and end. I guess I took him in general for granted, even though I didn't mean to. I just always thought I could call him and he would answer the phone. Jimmy's death woke me up and gave me a good shaking because I am not getting any younger, this is life, and death will visit and pluck my loved ones from me one by one, and if it doesn't, it's because it's my turn. It's just going to happen, there is nothing I can do, and one day, this will be me. No amount of wishing otherwise can change that.

This has made me question my own mortality. Where is Jimmy now? Is he watching what is going on and is confused by what is going on? Does he know I care and that I am really sad? I know he wouldn't want me to be sad, but I can't help it. It doesn't go away.

When it's my turn, will I just be dormant and asleep and I'll never know I existed, or will I be witnessing everything happening without any ability to comfort anyone? Will anyone care that I am gone? Have I made any impact at all?

Life goes on. I have depression and sometimes I struggle, but in the end I am grateful to be alive and for life in general. I get to experience the world as life goes on here, and I have friends here. I still have a lot of loved ones that are living, and I want to be here with them. I have the curiosity to live as long as I can to see where my life goes, until it's over. When that time comes, I really hope I will be reunited with those that have left. But honestly, I don't know what will happen, and for that I am sad. I don't know if I will ever see those that have departed. I am relatively detached from the spiritual world, even though I have some belief in it.

I am going to bed now, I may or may not come back to made edits to this. I just had to get this out. If Jimmy were still here, he would be reading it. He always read what I wrote, and listened to what I had to say.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Still here...................

What's up my little buttercups?

I am still here my darlings................ How have you all been?

A lot happened since I last posted.

1) I got a new job way closer to where I live
2) Hurricane Irma happened and our office got completely flooded
3) My grandmother passed away
4) We finally moved back into our office 5 months after the hurricane
5) Parkland shooting happened

The new job I got was in my field. I basically went to a new employer because I wanted more responsibility, and I wanted to learn new things. Luckily I got what I was looking for, even if it can be hard to learn on the fly. Definitely no complaints.

Hurricane Irma was my first hurricane here in Florida, and getting my condo boarded up last minute was a nightmare. It was a miracle I ended up with boarded windows. The person I initially hired to do everything did get wood and did cut it for me, but he went to get more screws, left his tools at my house to guarantee he would return, but never did. I still have his tools at my house, lol. I am not mad at him because he stood in line during the chaos of every hardware selling out of wood planks, and cut the wood in the right sizes. ( I could have never have done that on my own). However, it was really hard finding an available person to finish boarding up my condo. I hate socializing outside the internet, but I was going around my neighborhood meeting neighbors, asking for help and hoping for the best. I was lucky to find someone.

My grandmother also passed away. It was her time to go. She was 97 years old, but it doesn't make it any easier to lose a loved one. She was very much loved. She was a role model for me, and I miss her. She was born in 1920, the year women were allowed to vote for the first time. She would always tell me what it was like as a new mother during the war, being a working woman and how hard it was for a working woman to get any respect from her male coworkers, or the men that had to report to her. She also went through a divorce in the days that divorce was a huge scandal. I always loved listening to her experiences. Women like her definitely had it harder than the generations after.

Last week was the shooting at Stoneman Douglass highschool. I didn't realize how close I live to the school, I only live ten miles away. Highway 95 was flooded that day with first responders and helicopters.

I was a senior in high school when the shooting at Columbine happened in 1999. It was a huge shock then, and things have only gotten worse. I see a lot of gun debates on Facebook, and these conversations need to happen. We definitely need to talk about guns, gun control and school safety. It took long enough for this to really be out and open in the media.

I don't have the answer or solutions to school shootings. I have opinions, but I don't post them on social media. But I am glad that people from all walks of life are talking about it. There are so many points of view on the subject, and at least this event has forced us to face this problem.

That's all for now, time to clean my condo and do laundry.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

Genealogy Trails

Hello My Little Marshmallows,

As you know, I have been researching my ancestry lately,  I am looking into the origins of my father's paternal side, the origins of my surname. Growing up, I wasn't able to get much information about my great-grandparents who immigrated from Minsk Belarus (then Russia) to England and finally to the United States, but I have been able to get more information off of and such as:

1) Naturalization documents
2) Newspaper publishing addresses of businesses or gifting of property
3) Addresses of residences in the phone book and via the census
4) Registration cards for WW1.

It's fun to get information piece by piece and string it together, to get a clearer picture of their lives, and to match the information I find to the letters I have from my great-grandmother, and the stories I've heard here and there growing up.

It's interesting to see what life was like for immigrants back then, and I tend to believe the saying, "the more things change, the more they stay the same". In my genealogy class, the biggest myth that got busted for me, was that our ancestors didn't face bureaucracy back then, like we do now. Until now, I really thought that my immigrant ancestors became US citizens almost immediately. I noticed that though they immigrated the the US in 1905, they didn't become citizens until 1921, and they didn't shorten their names immediately after arriving at the Port of New York, they changed it when they became naturalized citizens.

Yesterday I obtained a copy of my great-grandmother's death certificate. I was really looking forward to getting my hands on it, because I didn't even think the county would release that information to me.  I wasn't home to pick it up (UPS required a signature), so I had to drive to a real
run-down area (the filthy buttcrack of my county) in town and wait over an hour, and I wasn't even mad about it,  I really wanted the information on it.  I didn't think I would feel much emotion opening the envelope and reading the death certificate, but I did feel emotional. It was the end of her life, and it's always interesting to capture the last moments of someone's life up to the funeral. Because death usually catches you by surprise, you don't know when it's your time. When I worked in personal injury and someone passed away, I also got emotional dealing with their cases, and moreso in this case, because she is my ancestor, even though this happened over seventy years ago.

My great-grandmother started her life in another continent, and ended up somewhere completely different. Life wasn't easy for her, and she had a difficult life no doubt, but she and my great father did escape antisemitism and built a life and family in this country. She had a much better outcome than many people she started out with in her hometown, as well as many of her siblings and their descendants (I am friends on Facebook with some of them).

I ordered her death certificate to find out why she died (heart disease), where she died (hospital no longer around), who provided family information on the death certificate (her daughter), where she had her funeral (funeral home is still in business), and where she is buried (in a Jewish cemetery in East Los Angeles), and the names of her parents (so I can continue my genealogy adventures).

I enjoy genealogy because I tend to live in the past and connect it to the present. Also, I enjoy research.

I don't know what my ancestors would think if they knew I was looking for their information. Most of them were too busy trying to live their lives day to day raising their families, they probably didn't give much thought to their descendants. Will someone come and look me up long after I am gone? Who knows? I am doing all of this for my knowledge and benefit, and it may stay with me until I pass and go nowhere further. Honestly, other than a few conversations here and there, most family members aren't too interested. I don't have a romantic idea of my existence living on after death, it is quite possible my boxes of stuff may get dumped out.

Life is short, studying genealogy helps me realize that. But I am alive now, and I am happy to be alive and still be able to decide my fate.