Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Happy Spanksgiving !

Hello There My Little Buttered Biscuits !

Did I tell you that I had Pillsbury biscuits over the weekend ? Sooooo bad for you, but so bad in an oh so good sort of way. I even dipped them in frosting. Wow! You know where else you can get orgasm worthy biscuits from ? Red Lobster ! I should know because I used to work there for four years and I never grew tired of them. But be careful, because good biscuits can give you a fatter ass, and while bigger cushion can be good for the better pushin', mac truck asses are NOT in.

So what's up ? I hope that you all are enjoying the holiday. I know that I intend to.

Every year I like to think of the things that I am thankful for. I plan on visiting my grandparents, dad, aunts, uncles and cousins. I pray for a safe trip of course, but upon the safe trip, I will be most thankful to see them again.

I cherish every time I get to see my grandparents again, especially since they are the glue that bonds our family together during the holiday season. Grandparents are special.

What else am I thankful for?

-The fact that at least at the moment I am healthy
-That I made some new, wonderful friends this year and maintained my other friendships
-That at the moment I still have a job
-That for the first time in my career I got a bonus, and my boss let us out early today.

So with that said, let's just hope that the above stays the same for a while.

Anywhoosies, Happy Thanksgiving !

Monday, November 22, 2010

Awardy-ward Whore

What's Up My Little LOLCats ?

How was your weekend ?

Mine was decent. I worked, but I also got to sleep in. Did I also tell how badly the weather here in CA sucked ? Probably why I stayed indoors all weekend.

Anywhoosies, enough chitchat time to get down to business !

Jenni nominated me for the bloggy award above. In order to participate correctly I have to do three things.

1.) Thank the person that gave it to me. Thanks Jenni !

2.) Tell everyone 7 things about me that you probably don't know. Seriously ? I think you all pretty much know everything there is to know about moi.

3.) Nominate other people for the award.......

So.............. Here are the seven things that you may already know about me ( Since I've probably already told you everything).

1.) When I was in Paris I tried beef tartare. Raw beef with a raw egg on top with onions and pepper. I ate it with a glass of red wine. It was delicious. Sometimes I had it with french fries, and sometimes I had it with bread. You really have to eat it slowly, I couldn't imagine wolfing down raw meat.

2.) I had a very unusual upbringing that has really left a lot of psychological damage. I wish I could write about it and share my experiences, but most people don't understand it and instead I end up looking like the crazy one. So, I don't write anything ( I did but I took it all down). It is easier to just move on and pretend it never happened.

3.) I rarely ever donate money to causes. I believe in volunteer work and I will gladly volunteer my time, but I don't donate money and have no problem walking past someone at a booth. I have volunteered with good agencies out there and know they exist, and many agencies may have funding, but lack volunteers. Hey, we can't all throw money around.
4.) I am thankful for what I have in my life right now and that's when people become happy; when they are happy with what they have and realize they are blessed. Life is never a guarantee.
5.) My favorite TV shows are:  All of the Real Housewives series, Law and Order SVU, Jersey Shore, Desperate Housewives, and Brett Michaels Life as I know it.

6.) I am open-minded to tarot card readings, psychics, past life regressions, but none if it has ever really worked on me, although I still believe others when they tell me their experiences. I can't get hypnotized and the biggest predictions I had going for me this year haven't happened and the end of the year is too short for it to manifest. Maybe it's better that I find things out unexpectedy. I am open to that too.

7.) I am about to turn thirty, and I certainly feel like I am not in my twenties anymore. I have done a lot of reflecting and I have definitely had some growing up to do. I hope that my thirties are full of blessings.

So Now............... Time to select 7 of you little furballs to be survey whores. Sorry, I am way too lazy to link your blogs to your mentioned names, so please don't take it personally, and just shut up and do the Goddamn survey okay ???


Anywhooters here goes................

1.) My one and only Mama Cita Ashleigh, the snarkiest chica with the bestest lines ever when we hang out together. She is my bloggy friend and my friend in real life.

2.) H. That is his name, H. A ripped Dutch guy who is the biggest pervo out there. I would be shocked if he took this survey since it's not sexual, but with him, it could be. Let's see what he comes up with.

3.) My friend Shoesies aka Red Shoes ! I love professors with a sense of humor. I was lucky to have a few in my college career. Shoesies is a perv too !

4.) Mac, the Atheist Perv............................

5.) Riot Kitty. Meow !

6.) Joey at Joey's Pad.

7.) Lulu !

Have fun kittens ! Meow !

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Yes, I am nasty, and it runs in the family

Hello There my Little Buttered Muffins !

So what's up ? How is your week ?

Guess what ? I turn the Dirty 30 at the end of this month. OMG, I hope it's fabulous that's all I have to say ! My twenties have been a mix of ups and downs, a LOT has happened, and I hope that life will be kinder in the next decade.

Some people have asked me about my sign. I am not a scorpio. I am a sassy sagitarrius ! I was due Nov 20th, so I was due in the scorpio timeframe, but I was born a sag. I love my sign and am true to it 100%. I love to travel, I am a bad liar, I always put my foot in my mouth but hate hurting others' feelings and I have to know the truth even if it kills me.

Although, part of the scorpio is with me. I don't hold grudges too often, but when I do decide to fight, I can hold a Scorpio grudge like the best of them. But that is rare.

Anywhooters, enough talking about me because I want to post something nasty. I've been looking at my past postings, and I thought " My Lord, I am a twisted girl "!

And today is no different, my little buttery treats. And you should know that I am not the only dirty bird in my family.

Take this for example......... My brother posted this on his Facebook. I laughed my fucking ass off ! If you find people saying "cocksucker" over and over hilarious, then this is for you. But the ending is the best ! A happy ending in my book !

Ooh, and before I go, here is something my dad forwarded to me. He rarely ever gets speechless, but this did it for him. This was found on the Smoking Gun. I laughed my ass off so hard, I couldn't fucking believe this shit even happened !

NOVEMBER 16--The West Virginia woman who last month pulled a knife on two men and announced, “Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throat,” pleaded guilty today to assault and was sentenced to 90 days in jail.

During an appearance this morning in Jackson County Magistrate Court, Melissa Lee Williams, 41, also received a 90-day suspended sentence and was ordered to pay $185.80 in court costs, according to a plea form. Williams, pictured in the mug shot at left, is currently in custody at the South Central Regional Jail.

Williams was arrested last month following a bizarre incident at the 77 Motor Inn, where she was living at the time. According to an October 22 Jackson County Sheriff’s Department report--excerpted here--Williams waved a knife at two men who declined her demands to engage in sexual conduct (one of the men was Danny Williams, her estranged husband).

Deputies reported that Williams, who was living four doors down from Danny Williams, showed up at his residence and asked him and another man to “eat my pussy.” While Danny Williams “declined said invitation,” the other man, Adam Watson, told cops that he “agreed to perform at her request,” according to Deputy Ross Mellinger.

However, as Watson approached Williams, “he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor emitting from Melissa Williams.” As a result, Watson “declined to proceed any further.”

At this point, Melissa Williams “produced a lock-back folding knife,” opened it, and pointed the weapon at her estranged husband. She then uttered a line that has since ricocheted across the Internet: “Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throat.”

When Deputy Mellinger arrived at the motor inn, he discovered Williams “nude from the waist down and sitting in a living room chair.” He also noted that “all subjects appeared to be intoxicated and smelled badly of an alcoholic beverage.” (3 pages)

This is the woman with the nasty pootang ! Would you want to get near her bits ? I didn't think so !

Well my loves, I would love to stick around and chat more about cocksuckers and nasty pussy, but I do have to get to the gym.

Besitos !

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Insulting People is Delicious !

So What's Up My Little Chocolate Chips ?

How are ya ?

My week was busy, but I did go out with my Mama Cita Ashleigh on Wednesday and we had a bitch fest. We ate fried food, dessert, and I had a nice pomogranate mojito with mint and sugar. I don't really care for pomogranate, but it was good in that drink !

Anywhooters, enough chitchat because I want to talk about insulting people...............

So as you know, "twat waffle" is my favorite insult to hurl at someone. For instance, when I am behind the wheel and some ass clown drives waaay to slow, or cuts me off, I like to honk my horn and call that person a twat waffle.

So I was discussing this with a coworker and he concluded that in order to be creative with insults you take a sexual or taboo organ and pair that with a dessert or pastry. And to make it really stick, use the derogatory form of the organ.

Hence....... twat waffle.

While practicing this together, we came up with "taint twinkie."

Ooh........... how about ass clown ?

Just kidding, that was to see if you were paying attention..............

Some other delicious insults I've heard.............

Cunt muffin
nipple cake
fruit cake

Now you try, and please feel free to share with the class.

Besitos !

Sunday, November 7, 2010

About a week late................

Hello There My Little French Hens...............

So how are ya ?

You have a nice weekend ? Mine was decent, even though this weather today effed with my mood. I am a sunshine person !

So as you know, the elections here in the US were last week. So many issues to choose from. Democrat or Republican ? Economy... health warming...... the list goes on.......

But I think men can all agree on one thing. Whether you are a Manocrat or a Manpublican, come together and unite for the Fellatio Movement. I've posted this before, and I will post it again.............

Monday, November 1, 2010

Meow !!!

Whassup My Bitches ?

Miss me ? Sorry I've been away for about a week. The truth is, I just had no energy to write. 


Forgive me please ?

Guess what ? Tomorrow is Erection Day. Oh my bad, ELECTION day. Voting can be so hard.......

Anywhore, How was your Halloween ? I had a blast. I went to a party with my friend above. She makes a hot witch doesn't she ?  Before then I hadn't gone to a Halloween Party in 5 years. It was nice to dress up and go out. I have better pictures on Facebook. I can't post them here because I don't post pics of people without their prior knowledge.

At the party there was a live band and I danced a lot. It was awesome. I saw one dude just waltz in as a fairy A manly looking dude with a beer in one hand and dressed like a girly fairy with green wings. While he was dancing, I did a "grab and dash." It's a move that I had to take out of my war chest and dust off since it's been a while.

Basically my loves, while he was dancing with his back turned to me, I grabbed his ass kinda hard. I got a big chunk of his fairy ass in my hand for about a second before I turned around and disappeared back into the crowd. I did a very good job because by the time he turned around I was busy dancing and he looked at my friend. She tried to convince him it wasn't her but I don't think he believed her. Can you blame me for trying to get a little pixie dust for myself ?

What else........................

Other than that I've been busy with work. Did I tell you that we now have a new tenant in our hall ? Like we needed more people to share oxygen with.

I mean, I already hate sharing the bathroom with the bitches on my floor. Not only do they kind of ignore me, but they stink up the bathroom AND they like to gather themselves in there and talk.

 I hate talking in the bathroom. I don't understand why a lot of women feel the need to have chats in there.  But these beezies like to stand around, straighten their hair (the smell of burning hair is not appealing) and talk about God knows what.  The only reason I don't know what they are talking about is because they are speaking another language. I wouldn't care so much, but we all know they speak English really well, yet when they see me they immediately switch into Japanese, as if I am going to hold it in longer just so I can stand there and listen to them. No thanks, I would rather drop the kids off if you know what I mean.

So yeah........... sorry, got off track for a second.

Our newest tenants are mainly men. Not just any men. Neanderthals.

Last week I caught one of them picking his nose. Really digging for gold. While he was waiting for the elevator, he was kind of facing my reception desk, which I was sitting behind. Now I know I am short, so maybe he didn't think I was sitting behind the computer working. But c'mon, if you are gonna give yourself a fucking lobotomy Total Recall style, the least you can do is take two seconds to scan your environment.

So anyway, he was facing the elevator, but turned towards my direction to pick his nose, thinking I wasn't there. So he makes a swirling motion with his index finger, like he was looking for gold and scratching a bad itch at the same time.

I just sat there, still not believing what I was witnessing. In the middle of his dig-fest, he looks up at me, while his finger was still in his nose. Yeah, we definitely had a moment. A very awkward one. He immediately turned around and got the eff of our floor. Aaaaawwww.... wonder if he'll come back.

I thought an incident like that was just a one-time thing. Oh no...... The next day a guy burped real loud while waiting for the elevator. He was short, so he had a lot of power packed in there.

I shudder to think what may be next................ Ball adjustments ? Ass scratching ? Farting ? Wedgie picking ? Oh the possibilities......................

But don't you worry my little kittens, you can be sure I will tell you all about it.

Okay, so I will be making my way around your bloggies in the next couple of days. Gotta go watch trash TV.

Besitos !