Wednesday, April 27, 2005

This sucks.

Hello Everyone,


1.) My boss at work won´t help me out and give me a contract. His business is dirty so of course he doesn´t wanna expose the company and he very tactfully told me that it wasn´t worth it for him to help me due to my position. I am a telemarketer. I can understand. Business is business. But to his credit he did consult an immigration lawyer and he told me exactly what I need to be able to work for him under a contract. I don´t quite meet all the requirements and he would have to kinda go out on a limb to help me. And he won´t.

2.) I called the English school and they won´t give me a contract either.

3.) I still have to call the owner of the restaurant after work tomorrow to see if he´ll be willing to give me a contract.

4.) I will ask another restaurant owner across the street if he would be willing to hire me.

5.) A coworker told me a name of a good immigration lawyer that might be able to help me and he told me he´d lend me the money. But the truth is without a contract from a business that´s willing to hire me there is nothing I can do. This much I know at least.

I am running out of money to be able to pay my bills back in the states and stay here. I will call tommorow. Tommorow is really my last hope so far.

If things don´t work out I will either go home in July or maybe pack up and move to Madrid. Here I have to speak Catalan to apply to most jobs. And I am kinda sick of how the Catalans here treat foreigners.

I have three words to say: Fuck this shit. I am so tired of this fucking shit. No one is willing to give me an opportunity. How many more times do I have to hear no ? This is absurd. I don´t know what to do anymore. I guess I could get married, but I would rather go home. The guy offering wants to be more than my friend and won´t leave me alone. I would rather be banned forever from coming back here than to be legally bound to him.

Anyways, I am not gonna appologize for my vulgar language here on my journal any longer. So sorry, if I offended anyone but consider this fair warning.  If it offends, don´t read.

Well, I am gonna go home now. Ciao.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

My Latest Options..........


1.) Well, I had an interview at the bar today. I may or may not get a contract. The owner is going to talk to his lawyers. I will find out what he thinks on Thursday.

2.) I am also going to ask my boss at work again if he will help me out and offer me a contract. I should find out sometime this week.

3.) I also called an English language business school and they may or may not contract me.

I think that numbers 1 and 2 are realistic. I think that the third is out of the question. I will post the results when I find out.

I have till next Friday to get a contract and hand in all my paperwork if I wanna get legal. Will I get it or now? Who knows?

I will know my answer in about 10 days.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Another beginning of the week.....


Well, I didn´t choose a mood from above because they don´t have it. My mood right now is: I don´t care.

First of all the weather right now is absolutely gorgeous. I love it. I think it will be getting hotter from now on and then I can finally swim in the ocean.

My English class never happened. When I called his phone he wasn´t there. I couldn´t call him again because I was at work and he never called me back. So there was no class or extra money for me today. So typical here.

I am still working on trying to get a contract but it´s going nowhere. Yeah, I am getting calls and applying to different places but I am still where I have always been. Once people find out I don't have EU papers they don´t want to continue the conversation. And although I am still trying I really don´t care anymore. I am gonna start enjoying the weather here and getting out every weekend. If things don´t happen there is nothing I can really do.

Anyways, gotta go. Ciao.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Wierd things I forgot about


Did you know that there is a bird called a  "tit" ?  Yeah, well there is. In fact there are lots of tits here in Barcelona. You can look at big tits, little tits, and colored tits. I have my favorite: The bearded tit. I like to watch birds sometimes. I can´t imagine telling someone that I am looking at the bearded tits in the trees. I am waiting for that moment.

My coworker talked to a guy on the phone named Mr. Kock, from Germany. " Excuse me, I´d like to speak to Mr. Kock please. Oh, he´s been in and out all day ? Well, when will he be back in? " 

Did you know that there is a new law here in Spain ? Well, it is now mandatory for husbands to do at least 40% of the housework.  I shit you not. If a man doesn't do at least 40% of the housework, when the woman files for divorce then the man is punished by taking time away from him with his children. I do believe that men should share the household chores, but this law is absolutely absurd. I mean c´mon now. You can´t really regulate people´s marraiges. What is the woman supposed to do ? Run around the house with a clipboard? Get the sheets notarized?

Anyways, enough for today. Enjoy the week y´all. Ciao.


Weekend Summary and Venting


Today I took a nice long walk with my roommate and we walked all the way down to the beach. Very nice, and the weather is starting to get hot. We had ice cream and then had a drink on the beach. Very nice. We also talked about our dreams and how we want to make lots of money. We always do.

I realized the reason that I am unhappy right now is because I absolutely hate the job I am in right now and I really don´t have any other options. And my boss is a jackass. He doesn´t even want to write me a letter that would help me to get legal with the new amnesty law right now. Really, there is nothing that he really has to do. All he has to do is write a letter on the company letterhead stating that he´s willing to hire me for six months, stamp it and sign it. What a fucker. I hope he dies of his crack addiction. You think I am joking. I think my boss is on drugs. He has all the symptoms.

I keep applying to other companies but no one is willing to give me a chance. Either that or I somehow fall short of the requirements. For example, 2 car rental companies called me back and offered me an interview. But I didn´t get it in the end because I don´t have a Spanish driver´s license. And to have one I need to be a resident here. I am sick of hearing no all the time. I mean, there has got to be a time when things get better. It´s not that getting working papers is completely out of reach. I am really close, but the answer always turns out to be no in the end. And I have until May 7th to sort this out. The Spanish government set a deadline on this. So yeah, if I don´t apply for papers before then I am out of gas.

Anyways, I have 8 more weeks of working at this shithole and then I am going home. I have debt back home that needs to be paid, and if I stay here I will just continue to work under the table in English all the time, and I will continue to get walked all over by my students. Due to my lack of money I can´t even travel around as much as I would like.

 My priority right now is building up my skills so that I can get a good job, whether is is learning Spanish or working for a Spanish company. And right now due to my job I spend a lot of time speaking English.

I have improved my Spanish, learned about Spanish and Catalan cultures, and traveled a little. So being here has done me good. I have lots of beautiful pictures to prove it. But I need to do something better with my life, and I would love to start working and building my resume here. But of thats not possible, then it´s better that I go home.

Okay, I feel better now. I think that tommorow I have a private Spanish lesson, but I am sure that he´ll cancel on me since he did last time. But if he cancels at least I still have my Spanish class.

Speaking of Spanish class, we have been learning about making commands in Spanish. I am relieved, since I forgot how since my last Spanish class. I should be learning about subjunctives next week. I am finally learning the grammar that I haven´t learned yet.

Anyways, I am gonna go and clean my room and get ready for the week ahead. I am hoping that I´ll get a call from a company that´s willing to give me a contract. Who knows?

Friday, April 22, 2005

Summary for Yesterday

Hello Everyone,

Well, yesterday I had an interview and today I now know that I didn´t get the position. And David made it all sound so convincing to me. I was told that the woman was really excited about me and that she was willing to give me a contract even though I don´t have a NIE ( number for foreigners required to work).

Then I went into the job site and waited and waited and she never came out to get me. So I went to the back office and it turns out I had to wait a while for my turn because there was a line.

Anyways, I did the interview in Spanish and I did alright with that. But the first thing she asked me for was my NIE. And I told her that I don´t have one, but that if the company gives me a contract I will then have permission to legally work here. Of course the women looked at me like I was stupid. This new amnesty law that makes it easier for foreigners to get papers is very new and it has been changing, and many times the information printed is wrong.

Anyways, the women told me that IF I got hired I would have to complete a 2 week training course. Of course they wouldn´t pay me for that. And even if I got chosen to do the training I that still wouldn´t mean that I got hired. Even after I do the training and take the tests without pay, they could still deny me the job.

I was told then that they would call me if they felt I was qualified.

I didn´t get called.

I don´t know what to do anymore. I am planning on going home. Of course I will hope that things get better and continue to try. But let´s be realistic. This isn´t going anywhere and I don´t want to permanently live here either. Going back home isn´t such a bad idea.

I gotta go. The school here is closing. Will write more. Ciao.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Hello Everyone,

I am not really in the mood to write a long entry today. I am really upset. Basically the interview didn´t go as planned. I am still out of gas. I will write more later.

As a matter of fact, this whole week just sucked. I wonder what next week will bring ? Oh, I don´t even want to know.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

More Updates

Hello Everyone,

Well, after David handed out my resumes to companies at the airport, I did get a call back from AVIS. AND......... they were willing to give me a contract for at least 6 months. I was so excited ! I thought that I could finally get my legal papers ! But then they told me that I need to have a Spanish driver´s license and I don't have one. To get one I have to be a resident here. So therefore, I am still out of gas.

The secretary at my job asked the lawyers that my bosses hired about helping me out. She told me that it could all be worked out very quickly if I could present ANY legal document from the Spanisk government to prove that I was here before August 8th ( utility bills, requests for social security......) . I couldn´t do it. The earliest documents I have are from September. So for now there isn´t anything she can do.

David called me yesterday and said that I have an interview tommorow with someone at the airport. I had to ask for time off work but my boss wasn´t too happy about it. Screw him. I am always working and I always make up my missed time. I am trying so hard to get out of this hellhole of a job. So he is either going to have to accept that I need tommorow afternoon off or fire me. And if he fires me, I would not put up a fight.

Who knows what will happen tommorow. If I even get a working contract I know that there will still be a lot of challenges in the way. I am still not even eligible to ASK for working papers. I don´t even want to imagine how long I will be standing in line for if I somehow became eligible for legal papers. I saw the line on TV yesterday and it was soooooooooooooooooo long. I would probably spend the night if I had to.

The people at the foreigners office are so damn rude. I thought it was just me because I was American. Nope. They are equal opportunity haters of anyone that is not Catalan. I hope these people get to deal with the US government someday.

Anyways, I will keep y'all posted on how things go. Ciao.

Monday, April 18, 2005

My weekend

Hello Everyone,

I went to Port Lligat yesterday to visit Dali's House. His house is absolutely amazing. The trip was worth it. There is no doubt that although the man was crazy he was pure genious. You have to buy the tickets in advance because there are ony 6 people allowed in each room at a time. The house was pretty much left in it's original state. All the furniture there was there when Dali and Gala lived there. It was wierd standing in Dali's personal bathroom.

What I liked was that the staff was nice (rare around here) and they were happy to answer questions. The tourguide even spoke English ! I took so many pictures. Thank God for digital cameras.

 I also walked around Cadaques. It was absolutely beautiful. The buildings were whitewashed with blue doors and it is a very peaceful town. The people are also very nice, compared to Barcelona, where people just don't give a shit. It was so nice to get out of the city for a change.

 I was supposed to go on Saturday but I missed the bus. So I went yesterday instead. But when I tried to withdraw cash from the bank so I could have money to buy a ticket home my booklet didn't work. So I had to use my credit card which is almost full as it is. If I didn't bring my credit cards I wouldn't have had any money to get home. My booklet STILL won't work. Of course the banks are open UNTIL I get off work so I will have to wait until Thursday to be able to sort this out. Luckily my roommate lent me some money so I could buy some food.

I am also working on trying to get working papers. I honestly don't know how to feel about this anymore. Anytime my hopes are raised one day I swear they are shot down the next. No joke. You probably think I am just being negative but you really don't know. I have been in this predicament since January and so far NO progress has been made. The answers so far have pretty much been a resounding no.

 I was hopeful over the weekend because on Friday my boss said that she was going to call her lawyers to see if there is anything they can do. I came in today and she still hasn't had the chance to ask. I got a call from a company looking for people that speak English to be an administrative assistant, but they coudn't help me.

My old roommate did me a huge favor and talked to his friend that works at the airport. He also handed out my resumes to various companies and told them about my situation. I was told that they might call me back tommorow for an interview. I will keep my mobile on tommorow. But I don't know what I am going to do if they don't call me. This is one of my last options besides marraige. So I have my fingers crossed.

Anyways, I gotta go. Ciao.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Little Update from Last Entry

Hello Everyone,

Last time since I updated some things have happened..............

1.) I finally got my proof of criminal free record mailed to me from the FBI. I waited for over three months. I need this to be able to apply for legal working papers.

2.) I finally spoke to the man at the foreigner´s office. The lines are usually always busy but this time I got through. He was absolutely no help. Not only was he rude but he told me the wrong info. He barely would let me finish my sentences. These people are rude to everyone, unless of course you can speak Catalan.

3.) I called my family in Austria to see if there is anyway that I could get permission to work in Austria. There is nothing that they can really do for me, and they are not all that willing to help anyways.

4.) My boss told me that he would ask his lawyers about giving me a working contract. They are seeing what they can do to help without breaking any laws, which in short is not much at all.

This has not been easy at all. I ALMOST meet the requirements to get papers, but of course almost is still not good enough.

I have had enough of all this. It is so frustrating. I have had a strong feeling since January that I will somehow end up getting my papers. And time is running out and everything I try doesn´t work out. Things just aren´t working out. No matter what I try there is always someone telling me "no". People keep on working hard when they see results. Except here I haven´t been seeing any results. And I don´t even really know if I am getting any closer.

I was supposed to go to Cadaques today but I missed the bus today. I couldn´t believe it. I thought that the bus left at 11:15 when it really left at 11am. I misread the ticket. So I changed the ticket for tommorow and I will make sure that I get up early enough. I ended up going shopping instead.

I am gonna go look for cheap plane tickets to Italy now. Ciao.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

So so so so annoyed

Hello Everyone,

First off, I am typing this entry in italics because I can´t figure out how to turn it off.

Sorry, I am here to vent. If you don´t like the fact that I am not positive today, then don´t read. I don´t care.

I am actively trying to get papers and teach English to private students. But over 85% of the time and I shit you not, my plans get messed up. I just can´t take it anymore. I try so hard. And nothing I do is working. And I have people telling me that I should keep trying and that I should try harder. Yeah? Ya think ? No shit, Sherlock !! That´s what I´ve been doing all this time. Duh.

I have been trying to call the immigrations office today to finally find out all of the requirements to get legal working papers and the line was busy the whole day.

I called the woman at my dream job and told her that I fit all of the requirements to get working papers and if that she gives me a contract for 6 months then I can legally work at the company. I told her that she can cancel the contract of she doesn´t like me.  She told me that she still couldn´t help me. No matter what I said. I understand, it´s a little more complicated than I thought.

To get papers I have to submit proof of my clean criminal record. I applied in January and I am still waiting. I keep trying to call the FBI but the lines are either busy or people are in meetings. It´s been over three months.

I keep applying online for new jobs but no one is calling me back.

I keep making arrangements to teach English to about 3 different students a week and I am lucky if I teach one. I kid you not. People end up canceling on me at the last minute.

Anyways, I am done venting and I feel a little better. I am gonna go and get ready for work tommorow.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Out Sick

Hello All,

Today I called in sick to work today because I am sick. I have a headache and a sore throat. Yuck. I took some medicine but I have no desire to eat. But I have to teach a new student and I also have Spanish class tonite so I can´t stay in bed all day. I just can´t afford to lose any more money.

I rested half the day and now I am up trying to get a better job. My roommate has someone over and I have no desire to hear their screams of passions. For Christ´s sakes. Normally I am never home during the afternoons because I am at work. But of ALL afternoons he chooses THIS one when I am sick to get lucky. So yeah, here I am in an internet cafe.

I am also planning to visit Salvador Dali´s house in Cadaques this weekend. I need to get out of the city alone and take some pictures. I don´t have enough money to go to another country so a bus ride to a little village will have to suffice. I still need to find the bus stop.

Anyways, better go. Ciao.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Change of Immigration Laws

Hello All,

Well folks, the immigration laws changed in my favor.  I knew that it had to happen sometime. So in a nutshell, I am finally eligible to get legal papers that will be valid for a year. I am STILL waiting for proof of my clean record to get mailed to me here from the FBI. I applied for this in late January, and I am STILL waiting for it.

The trick now is finding a company that will give me a work contract for the next six months. That´s gonna be interesting. I have been applying online for different positions. We´ll see what happens. I am nervous all over again.

This new law will expire on May 7th. So if I don´t apply by May 7th then I am outta luck again.

I would like to get a good job because I am qualified and they need people like me with a college education a high level of English and enough Spanish. You know what the English level is like around here ? It sucks. It would be great to be able to tell people that my first real out of college job was in Spain.

But if I can´t get my papers, no sweat. I have been through this before and I can deal with the doors being slammed in my face. I also happen to want to go home, and my money is running out. And I am getting no financial help from back home, so I really do need to go in June if things don´t change regardless of what I am told. My student loans won´t just vanish into thin air and I don´t really care to get into more debt.

I also spoke to a prospective student today. What a joke. Trying to get the class for free because it´s the first class. Whatever. I can bet that he will probably cancel on me at the last minute tommorow.

Since I also put up my ad again yesterday, I got 2 new people asking about my classes. I will call them tommorow. One guy sounds really serious which is good.

Anyways, enough for today and I will post more later. Ciao.


Monday, April 11, 2005

Gripes of the week.

Hello All,

Back into the daily grind of things. Spanish lessons, work and teaching English. I am really irritated right now because I got canceled on 3 times last week by my students. People here are NOT that serious about learning English. One guy completely stood me up. Another canceled a couple of days before, and the latest guy canceled when I asked him. Meaning that if I never asked him, I woulda found out at the last minute. I am so sick of this shit. I used to put in a lot of energy into planning lessons. Not anymore. I don´t need this. Another reason I am looking forward to going home. I can get a legal job. For Christ´s sakes.

I also went to the doctors office today and I am fine and dandy. Just need to get blood taken again. I have to be there at 7:30 in the morning to do it. I am gonna have to wake up so early for that. Yuck. Anyways, gotta go back to my Spanish class. Ciao.

Sunday, April 10, 2005



This weekend was fun. I went out Friday night with my roommate and her friend. He always goes out and showed us some good places. We went to a couple of bars and a nightclub. It was fun and I got to talk to a lot of people. I haven´t been out like that since November. We left the house around 1am and got back around 6am. I slept till 4 in the afternoon. I spent more money than I would have liked but it was worth it.

The thing I don´t like is the smoke. In California it is illegal to smoke in bars and clubs. Here it´s not. So going on the dance floor was awful. My eyes and throat hurt. But I still managed to dance and have fun. I talked to a couple of guys in Spanish. After a while I was tired and sat down. Then I pretended not to know any Spanish so I would be left alone. But some guy spoke to me in English even though it was bad, so I talked to him. Gotta say that the bouncer was cute and really buffed. Got to talk to him for a while too. While I was trying to get fresh air he directed me to a fan. Really nice guy.

Today I went with my roommate and we went for a long walk down to the beach and to a restaurant. Although it is still a little chilly and windy, the weather was beautiful and the sun was shining. The restaurant was good. Before the main meal I had grilled artichokes with garlic in the middle. Oh God, was that yummy.

This weekend was nice, but I am missing home a lot. I can´t help it. I still think about the states a lot. Oh well, what can ya do ?

Anyways I gotta get ready for work tommorow. Ciao.

Friday, April 8, 2005

Hello All,

Well, like last weekend this weekend will be dark, cloudy and rainy. I really wish that we could have the sunshine back.

I went to a cafe to have lunch and when I nicely asked the lady for a meal she looked at me and said "no" with a mean face. I asked her if she doesn´t serve lunch and she said they serve food after 1pm. I turned around and cursed at her in English under my breath. Go ahead and lecture me how I was wrong, but I am sick of getting treated like this. I bet she was probably lying, expecially since she was busy talking to another lady. This is not the first time.

I am sick of the people here sometimes. When you go shopping they act like THEY are doing you the favor and most of the time don´t bother to help you. When I am on the metro they just push me aside without saying "excuse me" and look at me like it was my fault for being in the way. The taxi drivers don´t even bother to be polite, neither are the waiters.

What they don´t realize is that a lot of money coming into the city comes from foreigners and tourists. And they don´t give a shit. The work mentality here is "tommorow, tommorow".

And then they complain about the competition. Chinese people are setting up businesses here, and business is also taken overseas. The Chinese shop owners are so much nicer than the Catalans.

I also don´t understand them sometimes because they want us foreigners to get to know their culture and learn Catalan, but they do all their advertising in Catalan. Maybe they should advertise their Catalan classes in English or Spanish. Perhaps when they perform in the street they should ask for money in Spanish or English so we understand exactly that they want money. Many foreigners here don´t speak Catalan. And because of their attitude against foreigners , the foreingers don´t want to learn. I can´t blame them.

I don´t dislike Catalan people. They are just more difficult to get to know and very nationalistic. They think that their culture is the best. They generally won´t really make an effort to get to know you. You have to make the effort to get to know them. However, if you make a Catalan friend, you have a faithful friend for life. Ask any Catalan and they´ll tell you exactly what I just said.

One one hand, I can understand their attitude against foreigners. Catalonia is their region and the Spanish government has been trying to erase their language and culture throughout history. They have always had to fight to preserve their culture. I can understand that they may feel invaded when foreigners move in and don´t make an effort to learn their culture. However, this is 2005, not 1895. People are immigrating all over, not just to Spain. Besides, Spain needs the immigrants that are coming over for labour. The Spaniards and Catalans are´t gonna be the ones to mop the floors and pick fruit.

When you deal with the Catalan public it can be difficult, and they are demanding and short. But when I talk to Catalan people individually and ask them about Catalan culture they are nice.

Okay, enough ranting. Speaking of Catalans I have a Catalan student for English this evening. I read an article that it is easier for Catalans to learn English from Americans rather than the British. I agree. I taught pronounciation yesterday and the guy had an easier time pronouncing the words with an American accent instead of a British one.

Okay, Ciao.

Wednesday, April 6, 2005

Hello All,

I have a Spanish class in a few minutes and I feel so lazy. But I will go because I really need to improve my grammar.

The death of the Pope touched me in ways that I didn´t expect. So many followers and people of different faiths are coming to celebrate the man he was. I don´t agree with all his issues, but we ceratinly could have had worse. I think that people of different religions should come together and not be separated by their particular views on God. So many people are in the Vatican City right now. So many young people were touched by him. I saw an article in the paper today where the people in the Vatican advised young people to stay at home and watch this on TV instead of coming in person to see the pope. I wondered why they targeted the message at only young people ? I didn't think that was very fair.

Anyways, better go to class.

Tuesday, April 5, 2005

An Open Letter to a Friend

Dear Jorge, (Names protected of course)

Look, I am not going behind your back by writing this on my journal because I have told you all of this to your face over and over again. If you think that what I am saying to you is news, then you really haven´t been paying attention to me.

You and I used to be roommates and we are good friends. I really don't trust men, but I trust you somewhat. You were an awesome roommate. You and your mother took good care of me when I was bedridden with the flu during Christmas. You have went out of your way to help me learn Spanish, introduced me to your family you always offered to help me when I needed it and never asked for anything in return, until recently.

What you wanted in return for all the help was me. For whatever reason, I am not interested in going out with you. I told you all the reasons. At first I tried to blow you off when you came home. Then I started scheduling things on the weekend to get out of the house. You didn´t take the hints. Fine, I didn't really expect you to.

At first I didn´t know how to approach this because no one has ever chased after me as much as you have. And I didn´t want to just flat out tell you that I didn't wanna go out with you because we lived together and the last time I told a guy that, he insulted me. So I didn´t want to offend you and have to live with the consequences every day. 

Then one day I worked up the nerve and told you that " I am sorry, but I don't feel the same way about you as you do about me." And then you told me that you really didn´t mean it when you said that you had feelings for me on New Years Day. You meant that you care for me as a sister. I knew you were lying, but I pretended to buy it because I didn´t want to argue. So after that talk, I thought we agreed we were just friends.

So then what happens? You shaved off your ugly goatee for me ( I NEVER asked you to do that). You practically woke up at the same time I did in the mornings to talk to me. You made plans with me to go to the movies or for a drink on the weekends. And I DID go because I always used to go with you before you developed feelings for me and I didn't just wanna be a flat out bitch. Don't you think that calling me at 9pm a couple of nights to see if I was alright was too much? I told you one night I would be home at 11pm. I came home at 12am. Holy Jesus ! You woulda thought I was turning tricks for cash. I came home and you were smoking a cigarrette out of nervousness and told me how worried you were.And for the first time I yelled at you and told you that I am not a child and that I have every right to do what I want. And you appologized.

One day I realized that I couldn't live like this. I like hanging out with you but I don't like spending every waking moment with you. I want to be alone sometimes and your constant presence was starting to irritate me. And I was tired of pretending to be happy when you were around. So I got a little grumpy around you.

So I moved out. And you helped me and supported me. Thank you. And you kept asking me to move back in. And I said no. The answer is still no. Thankfully you really don´t ask me anymore. I wish you would rent out the room instead of turning down every person that looks at it.

One weekend after I kept telling you I wanted to be alone I did end up going to a movie with you after you insisted and I did have fun. Then you tried to kiss me and I pushed you away. You were upset. And I firmly let you know that we were just friends. And guess what happened the next time I saw you ? You brushed me off as I tried to talk to you. I probably deserved that.

Easter holiday. I was going to spend the weekend alone and to be honest I would have been just fine. But you called me and invited to go with you and your friends. You insisted and told me not to worry about the money because I told you I was broke. You told me that you were gonna come pick me up at my apartment on Friday no matter what. You made a stink and told me that you were gonna be upset if I didn't go. So I went. I did have fun, but not too much. Although I loved Costa Brava I didn´t really fit in with your friends, and I hated the fact that you smoked the WHOLE time. Really, looking back I woulda been just fine at home.

Friday took the cake. You had a bad feeling and you had a premonition that something happened to me. You called my mobile and I never got the calls. So you skipped the first few hours of work and came ALL the way down to my job and told the secretary to look for me. You were about to just walk in. You KNOW how secretive my job is. You know I could have gotten fired for you showing up. Well, your premonition was wrong. I was working and giggling with my coworkers. It was someone else in your family that went to the hospital. I am glad he is doingwell now.

And I let you know how I felt. I did yell at but I got over it. You called me later to say you were sorry and I got over it. But then you got upset that I was upset about you showing up. Guess what? That is not my problem. Did you expect me to pat you on the back?

 I never asked you do that. You came on your own free will. Please, you are NOT my father. I don´t need another. I have 2 already. Not even my fathers are protective as you are. Please, I live in Barcelona, not Los Angeles. Not the Bronx. Huge difference.

And the list goes on......................

Part of this is my fault. I should never have moved in with a man. Who knows I would bet that a lot of men reading this might think that I am a cocktease. I must really seem like an asshole. But guess what ? I NEVER made a move on you and I ALWAYS told you we were just friends.So you helped me out a lot. You offered to help me a lot. You know what? I always told you that you never had to do that. I almost never asked you for help. You always offered. So, I don't owe you anything.

 Maybe I should have been a bitch, earlier but we were friends before this happened and I didn't just want to push away our friendship because I do like who you are. You are an intelligent, good person and many people say nice things about you. Other than this venting I don't have a lot of negative things to say about you. But please, I am looking forward to going home to CA because of this and I wish that you would leave me alone for a weekend and not take it so personal when I don't want to spend time with you.

This weekend is your birthday and I bought you a nice gift. I will spend Sunday with you. But I hope you understand when I tell you that I am "busy" next weekend.

You are probably upset at me. Thats your right. I don't want to lose our friendship. But to tell you the truth, if it comes down to that I won't be too bothered. I am just too tired of this. Being nice doesn't work. Don't you think that I woulda called you if I were interetsted? You ever notice how I NEVER called you to make plans ? Huh, imagine that.

I used to be nice and polite but I am not gonna sugarcoat things anymore. If I have to I will be the asshole. If I have to I will just stop being your friend. Call me heartless and tell everyone how I hurt you. But guess what ? We never went out and I NEVER cheated you or deceived you. Remember that I ALWAYS told you where I stand. You just refused to believe that I was not interested in you as a girlfriend.

Your Friend,


Monday, April 4, 2005


Well, I just got done taking a little Spanish exam. Reminds me of my days at the university. Normal Spanish classes will resume on Wednesday. My Spanish speaking skills have improved a lot since I came here, but my writing skills are still una buta mierda.

I came here to the internet hoping that my friends of parents would be signed on so that I could chat a little. But NO ONE is signed on. Such luck.

I saw the Pope's body on TV and I have been thinking a lot about it lately. Seeing his body on TV made me realize that we all have our time, and that life is short. He looked like he was sleeping, but I still felt like he was still in the room. But no matter how loud someone shouts or how hard someone shakes him he won't respond. He's dead. His soul is gone. I fear the day that I have to go to a family funeral and face the same thing with a loved one. I know what I am saying sounds so silly, but I am young and still don't understand death, and I don't want to but it's a part of life.

Anyways, April is moving along and it is still a little chilly outside. I am waiting for warmer weather to arrive.

I have boy drama but I will leave that for another day: Boy do I have a lot to write about that.


Sunday, April 3, 2005

May the Pope Rest in Peace


I have to admit that I never go to church and I don't like to. I don´t like organized religion very much. I especially didn´t like the Catholic church after reading about the scandals in the news. No disrespect to anyone.

And while the Pope was alive I really wasn´t interested in him either. But now that I am reading about his life after he died, I really wish that I could have payed more attention. Although I don't agree with all of his beliefs ( women as religious leaders, abortion and birth control) I really loved that he was a man for world peace and tried to bring different religions together. He was a good man overall, and I am sorry that his time has come.

I just hope that the next Pope will continue to promote peace, which is what I believe God would really want.

I didn´t expect to feel sad about his death because I never payed attention when he was on the news and I never cared what he was about because he was the head of the Catholic Church. But now I realize that there was a lot of good in the Catholic Church.