Sunday, June 28, 2015


What's up my little tulips ?

Happy Weekend :)

So what is new ? This time of year is the worst here in South Florida. If you hate the words, "damp" and "moist", you'll hate summers here. It is hotter than the She-Devil's boob sweat. There are a lot of pluses of living here, but summer is not one of them. This heat causes people to lose their damn minds, and not only a the people incompetent on the road, but road rage is real. Back in CA, people do flip eachother off on the roads. Here in South Florida, I really almost never see it, people not only .have tinted windows, making it harder to see the offender, but a lot of people pack heat down here 

As you know, I battle depression, and though I take medication, I still have days where I want to hibernate into a hole and shut the world out, like yesterday, for example. Getting up in the mornings is truly a battle, and cleaning up my clutter seems like an unbearable task.

Anyone that has depression knows really well how much of an uphill battle it is. Not only is the medical field lacking in services, but it is still taboo to the public, even though there has been improvement lately. There is still a long way to go.

Growing up in a cult, based on religion, spirituality with an extra serving of narcissism, mental conditions simply did not exist. Instead, they were "energy problems". No way we could be struggling with depression, we simply weren't meditating enough or chanting or thinking about our supreme Grand Mistress enough. If we simply were more dedicated to her teachings, I would feel better.

It didn't even begin to cross my mind that I had depression until I moved away to college. In college, one day my body completely shut down and I couldn't even eat food or sleep properly, I would throw up everything I ate, and I couldn't sleep. I also wanted to cry all the time. I didn't have a mental breakdown where I lost my shit on people or yelled at them. I didn't shave my head in public or act irrationally, I was still very polite and articulate, but I think most of the public equates mental illness with batshit crazy antics. I know I did until I understood my condition better.

Anyway, I went to the student counselor and they let me get a medical drop and prescribed me medication. I had to see the school psychiatrist, and really disliked him. I just wanted some compassion, and zero shits were given. He wrote me a prescription I never used because I didn't believe I really had a medical condition. As far as I could see, some asshole hired by the school decided I had anxiety and depression by reading a book in front of me and sent me on my merry way.

I just went home for a week. I called Grand Mistress and told her I was suffering, and she let me stay with her for a week. Luckily she was kind to me, and she talked it out with me. Once in a blue moon she would let me stay with her during my darkest hours, but later down the road she would always lord that fact over my head and call me ungrateful when I didn't agree with something she said.

Living under her thumb was like a charming person punching you in the face, but also administering ice to your wound and telling you how much they want you to get better. So later down the road when you are better, they tell people that they were the only person there for you when no one else was. That she offered her place to me and fed me and look how I repaid her ! She was there for me when I was suicidal for crying out loud ! She would actually tell this to people.

But what she doesn't tell people, is that I was really never suicidal and didn't want to harm myself. She pretty much lied about that. She created an isolating environment while I was growing up, which fostered anxiety and depression. My family and friends would have offered me support, but my mother was devoted to caring for her fulltime and stopped raising me after I turned nine and my father was turned against me. My family was never really allowed to see me, as it was made very difficult. I was also not allowed to have friends in school. So yes, all of my resources were taken away, so when things got really bad to where I could barely function The Krazy Korean would talk to me on the phone or take me shopping or make me feel better. So when I felt better, she would tell everyone what she did. and everyone else would tell me how lucky and spoiled I am.

I left that environment when I was almost 26, and I didn't actually admit to having depression until I was 27 and seeing a psychiatrist for clearance for government position to carry a gun. In addition to all of the physical and health tests I had to go through, I also had to get mental health screening. That was a blessing for me because the psychiatrist was very compassionate and told me that my symptoms were normal for someone that lived in the environment he did. He counseled veterans from the Iraq war, and said my symptoms were very similar to those people, He warned that I would need treatment to live a happier and more successful life.

I accepted what he said, but I still didn't have the guts to seek out a therapist and psychiatrist to prescribe meds.

In fact, I didn't see a psychologist and psychiatrist for another 3 years.

And then when I took my first prescribed medication, I had horrible results, so I went off of that a year later after becoming a zombie, and went through two more years of life without medication and horrible symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Let's not forget that just when you think you have found the right therapist, things can happen to screw that up such as your health plan gets cancelled or,  you have a disagreement with your therapist.

My point is, that anyone who decides to open up about their mental illness battles has a long and upward battle to conquer, where sometimes things have to get way worse to get better, and when things do get better that the progress comes very slowly.

And it is all worth it, because the alternative is so much worse.

So next time you hear about someone you love who is in denial about their condition, please have compassion and understand that they truly may not see what you are seeing.

The next time someone you know is crying or just seems like a hot mess in general, please have compassion.

Also, on the flip side, I am more understanding of people that tell me to think happy thoughts or tell me how I should just get over this condition. As annoying as it can be, it is usually with good intentions, and I used to be one of those people until I had to deal with this myself. It's kinda funny how life works sometimes, doesn't it ?

I am a very sensitive person, and in my relationships I have always been told that I take things way too personally, and maybe I do. However, I am willing to own that because I also can understand pain and suffering and I am less likely to judge someone than I used to be growing up.

Anywhooters, that is all for now, Off to go try and clean my room and/or go shopping.

Besitos !


RealDreamer said...

You hit the nail on the head when you said "compassion." It cures a multitude of ills. My motto has always been, "Love Fixes Everything."

The more I read about that Krazy Korean, the more I want to make sushi outta her (ok, I know that's not a Korean dish).

Stick with things and people that make you feel good. I've had bouts with depression myself and I fight myself out of that hole by remembering that no matter who put me there, I am worthy of getting out.

You are worthy. <3

Jimmy's Journal said...

Patience and compassion are assets that most people do not possess or understand Sandra. Pick your friends wisely and always cover your answer sheet.


Ileana said...

You've come a long way in dealing with anxiety and depression, and after reading what you've gone through growing up, I can understand it's not just a quick solution for you or anyone going through this. Thinking happy thoughts is not enough when you're feeling overwhelmed. It helps to have caring, patient, loving people in your life. I don't know why so many folks are afraid of it. I've lived with people who have anxiety and depression and they never did crazy things. It was mostly an internal thing where he/she wanted to be left alone.

Big Mark 243 said...

... you have had quite a journey... I recall your early tales about your time in the cult and not providing therapy or acknowledging the existence of mental diseases is an important tool in their arsenal... by keeping you from seeing doctors and people who can look at your situation objectively, you would be kept under control...

Good for you in moving past all that and having the courage to talk about yourself so openly..!

Riot Kitty said...

Amen, sister! As you know, I live with major depressive disorder, anxiety and other goodies as well - the system SUCKS and we've got a ways to go, but being honest and open like you are doing is amazing because it gives people hope. How can we demand a better mental health system if people are afraid to even talk about it?

As for the cult - my GOD. I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry you had to live in that hellish world.

Bruno Chavantes said...

Lets go for a joy ride with Mercedita and foxy...Ualááá...depression cured!!!