Thursday, August 2, 2012

And the Rest Is Still Unwritten.............

Hello My Little Birdies !

Loooong time, not talk................ I thought I was going to never write here again. I was just feeling uninspired to write. I have LOTS to say. I don't know if I have any followers left. I remember Zsuzi commenting and asking where I was last, but I didn't respond :( I kind of fell off the blog wagon and I am truly sorry if anyone felt ignored by it.

So much has happened............ I got a smart phone (thought I would never get one), I bought a new car (other one broke down), moved out of my last place (I still have to move again by the end of the month) and my responsibilities at work changed and my desk got moved. The changes have been positive, hope it stays that way, but it is a lot to handle, and I am not done yet.

Also, my depression has come back in full force and hit me very hard, harder than I've ever experienced in my life. Both anxiety and depression. I used to treat the symptoms, they would subside and I would go on about my business, only for it to return again because I haven't dealt with the root of the problem. It's no longer avoidable. I intend to fight this everyday and do everything I can to beat this. Every morning is another chance to get up and try again. I tried medication, and it made me numb, and while I could function, my zest for life disappeared too. 

Lately I have had panic attacks in the morning where I can't breath and I want to throw up. I want to cry. My mind is my own prison. I feel fine at night, only to wake up in the morning to relive the nightmare, if I don't have nightmares or wake up in the middle of the night first.

I just have to say, I completely empathize with anyone who is going through this. Anyone that has thoughts about not wanting to live, anyone that just feels like there is no hope. I totally get it, and I feel for you 100%. Please know that you are not alone. So many people go through it, and although it sucks total dinosaur genitalia, it does get better, if only for a few moments. There are patches of sunshine.

I am grateful for every moment of happiness I get. Money, riches, status mean absolutely nothing if you are not happy. All I want is to be happy. 

Anyway, time for bed. Besitos, and we'll talk soon.


7 comments:

Riot Kitty said...

Hang in there...I live with both of those illnesses. Combination of meds and therapy has helped me.

H said...

Glad your back, let me know if I can help. Sound like a damn nightmare, feel for you.

Sucks Dinosaur Genitalia... fucking awesome LOL

Memphis Steve said...

I hate to say it, but I understand how you are feeling. I don't have a solution for you, but blogging and talking to online friends is a way of coping that seems to help.

Zsuzsi said...

*hugs*

Henry said...

Hang in there Sunshine, you are a very strong person. It isnt easy, but you will come through it just fine. Talking about it are the first step to getting help. It takes time you have friends who are willing to listen and help the best they can.

Charmaine said...

Maybe it's ok to be depressed for a while if things aren't going your way.

I believe in feeling feelings. I don't like drugs. Both my sisters and mother are on Prozac and they are, basically, miserable.

I think dancing, singing in the care and finding love works MIRACLES!!!

Also, creative people often get depressed. It's just a fact Señorita. Don't fight it...ride through it to the other side.

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