Hello,

I am still trying to get medically cleared for being a US Customs Agent. I am scheduled to get psychologically analyzed tommorow, and then I am supposed to see a cardiologist on Friday. I am also still waiting to find out if I passed my Video Based Test. I just hope that the doctors don't cancel out on me. My deadline is rapidly approaching.

I realized that there is a huge chance that I will end up not getting cleared. I know that. I mean everything regarding this has already gone wrong. Shit already blew up in my face. I have already spent a lot of time, money and energy on this, hoping that I will make it. I shed so many tears over this.

Yet, I still don't want to let this go. It is something that I have always wanted. I want to see this through, even if it blows up in my face with flying colors. The cardiologist still has time to tell me my left valve is weak and that I wouldn't be able to handle the job and the psychologist just may tell me that I am insane. Plus the people for the VBT could tell me that my answers were flat out retarded. Who knows at this point.

I am seeing this through because I want to know that I fought for something that I really want. I don't want to get in the pattern of just giving up. Because if I do that, I will never get anywhere. At least if this goes wrong I can pursue something else with the same passion.

I am not the only one that goes through things like this. People dump their whole life savings into businesses that fail. Women try to get pregnant but just can't conceive. People try to get into law enforcement all the time and don't make it. One of my friends got so close about three times, only for someone else to get chosen in the end.

The only frustrating this is that this is a lengthy process. The wait to see doctors, get records, and just know that I can move on to the next step can drive me crazy.

Hello there my lovelies,

It is a bad idea to eat dinner before you go to bed, but I just could not resist. I was so hungry. I had Mac N Cheese. Not just any mac n cheese, it was the "Organic" Mac n' cheese with the organic, white cheddar powder. It was okay, but not as good as the normal, yellow Mac N Cheese. If it aint broke, don't fix it.

I am tired, but don't want to go to bed just yet. I think I am gonna go and watch Sex In the City.

Thank you

Hello,

I wanted to thank those of you that have left nice comments in my journal. It means a lot to me.

I forgot to mention that I danced again at the Egyptian Museum on Saturday. It was nice. My bra that I was going to wear ( it had coins) snapped at the last minute so I had to modify my costume before I left. Luckily I found out before I got to the venue. But I liked the modified costume better.

People loved the routine. I have been doing bellydance for five years now to this month. I started off very slow, and I still have a lot to learn. However, I feel that I've come a long way. I've started performing in the major festivals and I am getting stronger with my sword performances. I remember how scared I was to perform the sword last year. The next step would be competition, but I really don't think I am ready for that just yet. For starters, I have been practicing my routines alone. For me to be able to compete, I would at least need to start perfecting my techniques with a teacher and right now I can't really afford one. Plus, I am happy just practicing whenever on my down time instead of adding more pressure to it.

Anyway, I better go now.

Ciao Ciao

 

Hello there,

I feel like I am stuck in a rut in my life and that I can't snap out of it. I feel like I will never get out of where I live/ the type of work I do and how I feel about myself. I was reading this journal from last year about where I was in my life and I really haven't advanced that far. Yes, things are better, but not by that much. All I want is to be able to take care of myself.

I feel like I am holding on to things by the seams. I feel like I can barely pay my bills, like I am about to get in trouble at work. Today I got slammed at work and got a little angry with some of my coworkers and my boss is going to talk to me about it tommorow. I don't know if I will get in trouble or not. I hope not.

I think I am done here for now.

I do not know where I am headed

Hello All,

My dream of working for US Customs is put on hold for now. I have simply done everything I could. I really don't want to get into all the details for now, but I will later. Basically I have a hard time meeting the deadlines and the phychological evaluation I am required to undergo will cost me at LEAST $1500. I want to pay it, but there are many steps to getting the job and getting medically cleared doesn't mean that I will get the job. It is simply too depressing. I really put my heart and soul into this. I feel like I am getting punished for seeing the school psychologist six years ago. I needed help,and I feel like I am getting judged. Yes, I know exactly why they need an evaluation from me and I do not blame them. But that doesn't change how I feel. I have done everything I could. I have called around trying to find a psychologist that can work with me on a sliding scale. I found only one but she told me that she would not be able to make my deadline. I will probably never know the reason that my every attempt at this is blowing up in my face with flying colors everytime I try, but I hope I find out.

Most of the psychologists I called were not that nice. Some were, but most were not. That is why I don't trust them with my personal information. They don't accept credit cards, they don't even sound friendly, and they did not even sympathize with my situation. When I went to my first(and only) therapist the guy was so impersonal and diagnosed me my a book. He looked like he hated being there and that talking to me was a drag. All I wanted was someone that took a personal interest in me in my life while I was there for the length of the session.

My boss at my second (part time) job also terminated me at Enterprise without even telling me when my last day was. I found out the hard way. I didn't get my check through direct deposit (they mailed it to me) and I freaked out. I don't get my mail at my house and so I called my boss to ask. It was then that my district manager told me that they didn't need me anymore and that my check was in the mail. They didn't even have the decency to sit me down and tell me that they didn't need me anymore. They told me that I should have been told, but I know that they meant to terminate me immediately. I know that my area manager was lying to me through my teeth.

I have a 401K with that company and I would have made my 2 year anniversary in July. Had I made it that far, I would have been entitled to some of the money that they matched when I put away money for my 401K each month. But nope, they terminated me and now I am not eligible to have it. It wasn't even that much.

Anyway, that is all for now. I hope that my next post will be happier.