Hello,

I am still trying to get medically cleared for being a US Customs Agent. I am scheduled to get psychologically analyzed tommorow, and then I am supposed to see a cardiologist on Friday. I am also still waiting to find out if I passed my Video Based Test. I just hope that the doctors don't cancel out on me. My deadline is rapidly approaching.

I realized that there is a huge chance that I will end up not getting cleared. I know that. I mean everything regarding this has already gone wrong. Shit already blew up in my face. I have already spent a lot of time, money and energy on this, hoping that I will make it. I shed so many tears over this.

Yet, I still don't want to let this go. It is something that I have always wanted. I want to see this through, even if it blows up in my face with flying colors. The cardiologist still has time to tell me my left valve is weak and that I wouldn't be able to handle the job and the psychologist just may tell me that I am insane. Plus the people for the VBT could tell me that my answers were flat out retarded. Who knows at this point.

I am seeing this through because I want to know that I fought for something that I really want. I don't want to get in the pattern of just giving up. Because if I do that, I will never get anywhere. At least if this goes wrong I can pursue something else with the same passion.

I am not the only one that goes through things like this. People dump their whole life savings into businesses that fail. Women try to get pregnant but just can't conceive. People try to get into law enforcement all the time and don't make it. One of my friends got so close about three times, only for someone else to get chosen in the end.

The only frustrating this is that this is a lengthy process. The wait to see doctors, get records, and just know that I can move on to the next step can drive me crazy.