Second Chance Anniversary

Hello Loves,

Just a quick note before I go to bed....................

So today is the 10 year anniversary of my second chance at life. It was this day ten years ago that I got into a serious car accident and my friend and I walked away without a scratch. Basically, I was teaboned at a traffic light, and my car spun out into the intersection. I still remember the feeling of spinning out of control. It was totaled, and had it hit my car just a couple of inches towards me, I could have easily been in a hospital or killed. For sure I could have easily had a life full of aches and pain ahead of me.

My friend that was with me was my college roommate and best friend. She is having a baby soon. Our lives have gone in separate directions, but we still talk and visit at least once a year. We really don't talk about that accident.

I think about that accident a lot. No one got hurt, and I feel like I got a free pass in life. Anything can happen, and I hope that I live an injury-free life. But I can say that I didn't take these ten extra years that I've been given for granted.

If you are healthy and can walk, be appreciative of that and take advantage of what you do have. How sad would that have been had I gotten seriously injured without getting the chance to be appreciative of my blessings in life ? I would've never known what it is like to feel thankful.

I have been real busy lately and haven't posted much. But I will be making my rounds on your blogs. I have not forgotten.

How to Speak "Married Man" on Craigslist

Hello There My Little Wedding Bands,

The question du jour is.......... are you a repressed married man ? Are you looking for a little excitment and can't find it in your household ? Are you too cheap to go to Ashley Madison ? Never tried Craigslist ? Well don't worry, I am here to help you create a unique ad on Craigslist, just like every other boring married man up there, without actually disclosing that you are married.

Ready ?

Here is what you will need...........

 1.) Special vocabulary which I will help you develop.
 2.) A wad of cash so you can claim you are loaded or generou$$$$$.
 3.) To be married to someone else.

Moving along.................

So let's start with that vocabulary, shall we ? Every married man needs certain vocabulary in his vocabulary speed dial.

Some Words to Describe yourself: Benefactor, Mentor, Upscale, Generous (or Generou$ for more emphasis), Sugar Daddy. Tip: Use two or more of the above adjectives for an added effect. Or hell, use them all. Example: I am a generous, upscale benefactor and mentor.

Some Words to Describe your "target market": College girls, students, no BBWs, Asian women, girls-next door.

** Be careful with "girl next door", as that could mean anything. You ever see the girl that lives down my hall ? Rude, fat pot-smoker. You want that showing up to your encounters ? I don't think so.

Some Words to describe what you are looking for: Mutually beneficial arrangement, proposal, companionship, friendship, discreet. The more you use business labels, the more loaded she will think you are. 

Now that you've properly labeled the important characters (you and the girl) and what you are looking for, the next step would be convincing her that bumping uglies would be worth her while. What you can do:

1.) Take out that wad of cash I told you to have. Offer to pay a few bills, such as her utilities, for her textbooks or a shopping spree. Who can resist a shopping spree ?

2.) Offer to donate to her favorite charity. Even better, you could make a donation to PETA in her name ! Who doesn't believe in charity fucking around for charity is a fairly new concept on Craigslist.  Best thing of all, is that if you can't afford #1, this option would work out better for you because it's not like you have to prove you donated. Remember, you don't have to answer to her, you are not in a serious relationship ! You could just say you did and she would have to take your word for it.

3.) Tell her how you admire her hopes and dreams of the future. Admire her going to college. Reminisce about your college days which happened decades ago. Make her feel important, like she is a strong, independent woman for advancing her education and that you look up to her when she is riding you like a cowgirl.

4.) After you're done making her feel important, offer to support her and mentor her. Because you are older probably an old bag you have more life experience to draw from. Assure her you want to lend her a listening ear and penis.

And last but not least................

So you've spent all this time and effort into setting up this "arrangement" but she is starting to have second thoughts a rude, loud wakeup call from her consience. Now we can't have any of that.

Here's what to do.....................

1.) Tell her that you normally don't do this sort of thing, that this is new territory for you just like it probably is for her.

2.) Assure that it's okay ! No matter what you will still want to be with her. Tell her she can be married too! So not only will she feel at ease, but if she has someone, then she can never point a finger at you !

3.) Tell her that you are sincere and honest. An honest cheating man.

Poor Ashley Madison. Their business will totally tank once their clientele discover that they can just use my fabulous and free pointers. Craigslist will thank me though.

And you can thank me too. Just donate to my favorite charity: Me.

*** totally kidding about giving me money.

Is it wrong ............................?

That every time I come across this image I think of MAC ? I just can't help it.

So I'm sorry my little loves, that I've been MIA for the week. I just haven't been feeling so inspired to write. Total writer's fart.

Anyway, work has been busy as usual. I made a little blunder on Friday. Fed Ex shipped us a big box of files, and it was my job to record and file everything because I am the newest office bitch. Well, I got stressed and without thinking, said "My office is a mess and I got a huuuuuuge package on my desk." The guy across from me busted up laughing real loud and by then I realized my mistake.

I also did not know the saying, "That's What She Said" aka TWSS. Apparently it's a phrase that's used to turn a normal phrase or conversation into something sexual. Now how could I not know this ????? Especially since perverting conversations is a special talent of mine since mommy and daddy stopped washing my mouth out with soap.

Example: Me and a group of friends were at a Mexican food restaurant and when the food arrived one of the girls exclaimed "There's too much meat in my taco!" TWSS.


See how that works ? If you want to inform yourself further, look here.
 
Anyway, my coworker has a TWSS bucket. Anytime someone says "That's What She Said" coinage is dropped in.
 
Anyways my little cupcakes, tomorrow is Mother's Day, so be good to your mom and call her. Mine is un Europe, so I guess any plans of talking are nixed.
 
Besitos and Happy Mothers Day to all you proud mommies out there !
 
 

Big Pimpin' and Dancing !

Hello There My Little Truffles,

So, over the weekend I went to a Persian birthday party with a couple of friends. We were the decorations. It was fabulous. Our job was to dress up and dance, and we had a blast. We practiced a LOT, so the routines came out great, and the audience was happy and threw out a lot of compliments to us. The birthday girl turned 80 and she looked 60. I gotta tell you that Persians know how to party and live it up ! The venue was nice and there was a lot of food, music and dancing. You really never know what can happen when you dance at a party, whether the audience will like you, or if the guests will behave. But I was very pleasantly surprised on Sunday.

As you can guess, I am in the middle, and other two ladies are dear friends of mine. The gal to the left, HMCinCali, has her own blog and is brand spanking new to bloggy world. So please stop by if you get a chance and show her some love. Show her what a big, happy, incestuous family we are and feel free to grope her show her how much you care.

There is me again, the lighting isn't the best, but I actually have good posture in that picture, and I love the outfit. Did I mention that we all worked real hard ? And for the first time in four years I am finally happy with how I look in a picture?

Okay, enough talking about me, I am off to go and leave you little brown turdlets comments on your blogs.

Love,

Senorita

Sunday's Quickie

Hello My Little Birdies,

Happy Sunday ! I am about to go dance at a birthday party, and I am typing this as I am waiting for my nails to dry. Here are my random thoughts in no particular order.

1.) It will be 10 years on May 14th that I got a second chance at life. I walked away without a scratch from a serious car accident, that I still think about, and will probably think about for the rest of my life. My best friend in college was with me, and we both were unharmed. You could call it luck or probability, but I won't. I am still greatful to be alive.

Last year I witnessed an accident like mine right in front of me, where one of the people wasn't so lucky, and for sure she had to be hauled off in an ambulance to a hospital. I blogged about that before.

I will have to blog about this further as that date gets closer.

2.) I miss my grandma and grandpa. I definitely owe them a phonecall.

3.) I've been feeling the blues lately. I can't help it, and I hope it passes. Especially since summer is around the corner. Depression is one mean bitch that just creeps up on me and will always be behind me (especially since I am not on meds), a whisper or shoulder tap away from me, ready to help me feed into my insecurities.

4.) I had the best pancakes ever yesterday after our 3.5 mile run. They were so good. I also ate roasted potatoes after.

You have no idea how satisfying those pancakes were. Warm, fluffy, topped with powdered sugar, butter and syrup. My friend reminded me about my weight loss goals, but I didn't give a shit then.  I was thinking "fuck it" That breakfast was totally worth it, but we did more dance routines and I ate small, healthy meals after that.

Okay my little featherballs, that is all for today !

Besitos !