Sunday, May 9, 2010

How to Speak "Married Man" on Craigslist

Hello There My Little Wedding Bands,

The question du jour is.......... are you a repressed married man ? Are you looking for a little excitment and can't find it in your household ? Are you too cheap to go to Ashley Madison ? Never tried Craigslist ? Well don't worry, I am here to help you create a unique ad on Craigslist, just like every other boring married man up there, without actually disclosing that you are married.

Ready ?

Here is what you will need...........

 1.) Special vocabulary which I will help you develop.
 2.) A wad of cash so you can claim you are loaded or generou$$$$$.
 3.) To be married to someone else.

Moving along.................

So let's start with that vocabulary, shall we ? Every married man needs certain vocabulary in his vocabulary speed dial.

Some Words to Describe yourself: Benefactor, Mentor, Upscale, Generous (or Generou$ for more emphasis), Sugar Daddy. Tip: Use two or more of the above adjectives for an added effect. Or hell, use them all. Example: I am a generous, upscale benefactor and mentor.

Some Words to Describe your "target market": College girls, students, no BBWs, Asian women, girls-next door.

** Be careful with "girl next door", as that could mean anything. You ever see the girl that lives down my hall ? Rude, fat pot-smoker. You want that showing up to your encounters ? I don't think so.

Some Words to describe what you are looking for: Mutually beneficial arrangement, proposal, companionship, friendship, discreet. The more you use business labels, the more loaded she will think you are. 

Now that you've properly labeled the important characters (you and the girl) and what you are looking for, the next step would be convincing her that bumping uglies would be worth her while. What you can do:

1.) Take out that wad of cash I told you to have. Offer to pay a few bills, such as her utilities, for her textbooks or a shopping spree. Who can resist a shopping spree ?

2.) Offer to donate to her favorite charity. Even better, you could make a donation to PETA in her name ! Who doesn't believe in charity fucking around for charity is a fairly new concept on Craigslist.  Best thing of all, is that if you can't afford #1, this option would work out better for you because it's not like you have to prove you donated. Remember, you don't have to answer to her, you are not in a serious relationship ! You could just say you did and she would have to take your word for it.

3.) Tell her how you admire her hopes and dreams of the future. Admire her going to college. Reminisce about your college days which happened decades ago. Make her feel important, like she is a strong, independent woman for advancing her education and that you look up to her when she is riding you like a cowgirl.

4.) After you're done making her feel important, offer to support her and mentor her. Because you are older probably an old bag you have more life experience to draw from. Assure her you want to lend her a listening ear and penis.

And last but not least................

So you've spent all this time and effort into setting up this "arrangement" but she is starting to have second thoughts a rude, loud wakeup call from her consience. Now we can't have any of that.

Here's what to do.....................

1.) Tell her that you normally don't do this sort of thing, that this is new territory for you just like it probably is for her.

2.) Assure that it's okay ! No matter what you will still want to be with her. Tell her she can be married too! So not only will she feel at ease, but if she has someone, then she can never point a finger at you !

3.) Tell her that you are sincere and honest. An honest cheating man.

Poor Ashley Madison. Their business will totally tank once their clientele discover that they can just use my fabulous and free pointers. Craigslist will thank me though.

And you can thank me too. Just donate to my favorite charity: Me.

*** totally kidding about giving me money.

23 comments:

Christine Macdonald said...

This was brilliant. LOVE YOU!!!!

xxoo

mac said...

I'll give your money to PETA ;-)

Now, come see this box I've made, won't you?

Realliveman said...

Nooooo! Craigslist is a troll hangout LOL

Fireblossom said...

Who is Ashley Madison?

Charlene said...

...while trolling for a girl with tanking self-esteem. These guys should just go on over to the "adult services" section and get an ah hem "massage".

Matt-Man said...

I don't use Craig's List. I merely approach a woman, drop my pants, and ask, "Does this look infected?" Cheers!!

Pesto Sauce said...

Hey please source someone for me soon, am longing for action now

Ms. Jenni [xo] said...

Lol. There is truth in all of this.

The nitty-gritty tales of a housewife said...

Hmm! S-E-N-O-R-I-T-A! you are up to one of your devilish pranks again huh? I certainly hope you don't get an inch close to my hubby with that prank of yours or i will ... *G-R-O-W-L* at you! hehehehehehe

dadshouse said...

Love it. But just know that single women post the same kind of crap, where they are looking for a benefactor. It's not a one-way street.

When are you going to "woman-slate" that CL post I sent you that a woman wrote??

Riot Kitty said...

LMAO! That is hilarious. So true. What is Ashley Madison?

Senorita said...

To All My Lovely Readers,

Ashley Madison is a website for married men looking to cheat. It's definitely received a lot of press, especially here in CA. I don't know what the incentive is for women to join, when there are tons of single men. But there is a market for this and there is money to be made.

Dadshouse you are exactly right. So many women are looking for a "benfactor" which is why these men are posting these ads and using the vocab I made fun of. As you should know, I am fully aware that this nonsense is a two-way street, but I am more familiar with the antics of men because I date men. I am not out here to give one gender more blame. I was just trying to poke fun.

Check your e-mail.

Just telling it like it is said...

I love it when you just tell it like it is!!!

Paul Nichols said...

Sometimes I can only read your blog when My First Wife is outta the house. I gotta hand it to you: that was pretty good. Funny, too.

Red Shoes said...

Hmmm... I am very single... but I could still use a BUNCH of these... :oD HAR!!

Wunderbar, Senorita!!!

:o)

~shoes~

MsH said...

haha - very good blog on how to date for married men utilizing Craig's List.

They would have to use materialist 'peacock feathers' because clearly such action dictates very little substance in the character of these men. Where their words don't mean anything. Apparently commitment, sammitment...


You could have also titled your blog - Woman beware of these tactics! Good sharing.

heh- it is a bit late and I misspelled so had to delete, fix, and re-comment. To bed.

Jimmy's Journal said...

Craigs list is probably one of the sickest sites I've ever seen. It's ripoff city.

Jimmy

BamaTrav said...

Have you been getting burned on craiglist lately or something?

Danielle said...

You crack me up! But true!

Ily said...

You could be a psychologist. You have them pegged, Chica! :)

PS - Didn't know about Ashley Madison. Good to know!

Senorita said...

Bama Trav My Blog Love,

No, I haven't used Craigslist for dating, so I can't say that I've been burned. I do, however read the ads for shits and giggles which is why I posted. My intention was to be entertaining.

Memphis Steve said...

I'm not sure who Ashley Madison is, but I think you have just one thing wrong in this. Married men don't normally have wads of cash. It all goes for groceries and gas in the wife's SUV. But then again, this is some excellent ideas you have here. I'm taking notes for sure.

Heff said...

Heff KNOWS who Ashley Madison is, lol !