How to Speak "Married Man" on Craigslist

Hello There My Little Wedding Bands,

The question du jour is.......... are you a repressed married man ? Are you looking for a little excitment and can't find it in your household ? Are you too cheap to go to Ashley Madison ? Never tried Craigslist ? Well don't worry, I am here to help you create a unique ad on Craigslist, just like every other boring married man up there, without actually disclosing that you are married.

Ready ?

Here is what you will need...........

 1.) Special vocabulary which I will help you develop.
 2.) A wad of cash so you can claim you are loaded or generou$$$$$.
 3.) To be married to someone else.

Moving along.................

So let's start with that vocabulary, shall we ? Every married man needs certain vocabulary in his vocabulary speed dial.

Some Words to Describe yourself: Benefactor, Mentor, Upscale, Generous (or Generou$ for more emphasis), Sugar Daddy. Tip: Use two or more of the above adjectives for an added effect. Or hell, use them all. Example: I am a generous, upscale benefactor and mentor.

Some Words to Describe your "target market": College girls, students, no BBWs, Asian women, girls-next door.

** Be careful with "girl next door", as that could mean anything. You ever see the girl that lives down my hall ? Rude, fat pot-smoker. You want that showing up to your encounters ? I don't think so.

Some Words to describe what you are looking for: Mutually beneficial arrangement, proposal, companionship, friendship, discreet. The more you use business labels, the more loaded she will think you are. 

Now that you've properly labeled the important characters (you and the girl) and what you are looking for, the next step would be convincing her that bumping uglies would be worth her while. What you can do:

1.) Take out that wad of cash I told you to have. Offer to pay a few bills, such as her utilities, for her textbooks or a shopping spree. Who can resist a shopping spree ?

2.) Offer to donate to her favorite charity. Even better, you could make a donation to PETA in her name ! Who doesn't believe in charity fucking around for charity is a fairly new concept on Craigslist.  Best thing of all, is that if you can't afford #1, this option would work out better for you because it's not like you have to prove you donated. Remember, you don't have to answer to her, you are not in a serious relationship ! You could just say you did and she would have to take your word for it.

3.) Tell her how you admire her hopes and dreams of the future. Admire her going to college. Reminisce about your college days which happened decades ago. Make her feel important, like she is a strong, independent woman for advancing her education and that you look up to her when she is riding you like a cowgirl.

4.) After you're done making her feel important, offer to support her and mentor her. Because you are older probably an old bag you have more life experience to draw from. Assure her you want to lend her a listening ear and penis.

And last but not least................

So you've spent all this time and effort into setting up this "arrangement" but she is starting to have second thoughts a rude, loud wakeup call from her consience. Now we can't have any of that.

Here's what to do.....................

1.) Tell her that you normally don't do this sort of thing, that this is new territory for you just like it probably is for her.

2.) Assure that it's okay ! No matter what you will still want to be with her. Tell her she can be married too! So not only will she feel at ease, but if she has someone, then she can never point a finger at you !

3.) Tell her that you are sincere and honest. An honest cheating man.

Poor Ashley Madison. Their business will totally tank once their clientele discover that they can just use my fabulous and free pointers. Craigslist will thank me though.

And you can thank me too. Just donate to my favorite charity: Me.

*** totally kidding about giving me money.