Saturday, May 29, 2010

I'm an honest douchebag !

Hello There My Little Fauxhawks !!!

Guess what my bitches ? Mama is back with another "manslation" !

Before I give it to you (oh yeah, that's what she said) I need to get on my soap box and discuss the topic of honesty in dating.

What's up with the "let's just be honest" thing in dating ? I believe in honesty such as "I'm still married" or "I've got genital herpes" or "I don't really look like my picture". Things like that.

What I don't believe in is when men ( I am saying men because I date men) don't even try to put their best foot forward in dating anymore, no more finessing. They feel a woman should accept them for them, so they decide that if they are douchey up front and a woman still decides to stick with him become a complete doormat then she is worthy of him and he will treat her better. Or not.

In my dating world, I've had men treat me like a lady so I am not all complaints. ( Did I tell you that recently while I was driving on the road, one of the guys fixing the road tipped his hat to me ? Total gentleman !)

However, there were also some dudes that decided that they didn't want to "waste their time on games" with me. They just decided that they should be "honest".  Fun times, my friends...........

Anyhooters, the douche du jour's ad is below (It was posted on Craigslist around Mother's Day) You know the scoop. Blue is my interpretation of what he probably means. Red is what I am saying.

Blatent Honesty: Sympathy Sex Today I've been begging for sex for so long, someone please pity me and bang me.

Date: 2010-05-09, 6:55AM

Well, why not try honesty for a change.

I'm 40 45 yo, WM, tall, sexy my dog humped me, very fit average build with some muscles, sane I have a pulse, cute, handsome even says my mom upstanding meaning that I like to have sex standing up citizen with high libido but ability to focus on something other than sex too :) I can breathe and have sex at the same time.

This is my first Mother's Day separated still married  from my family, and it's surprisingly hard my penis that is. I miss them she kicked me out of the house , even though the evil b-tch continues to torture me from afar I am still married. I don't want to complain, nor to find a soul mate (not ready for that by a long shot). I do want you to blow me because you feel sorry for me.

BUT, some making out, a warm bed (yours or mine), sharing a massage I will go straight to your naughty parts and some awesome, awesome sex with a douchey, douchey man would go a long way to improving my mood and making this a good morning !  For me that is, I won't bother to ask how you are doing.

Let's have each other for brunch. ooh, the love buffet. How original !

Me: 6ft 5'7, 180 200, blue eyes, dark hair what's left of it., great body, skilled and love to please and be pleased I go muff diving, but I am not good at it. I do expect a blow job for my troubles.. Neither an axe murderer nor a drug fiend nor an alcoholic...gainfully emplyed obviously not that gainful, I can't even spell in fact have to work later today. Creative, kind, did I say sexy and sexual and cute? ::vomits::

you: nonsmoker, at least somewhat sane just have two tits and a pulse, teeth are negotiable, openminded, kind and horny too. What does kindness have to do with fucking ?


Fireblossom said...

Wow, I really think these ads are the way to go! So, here is mine:

Me: 22 (55), single (divorced), lady (I don't spit on the sidewalk), looking for love (looking for a sucker to support me).

You: financially secure (wildly wealthy), worldly (you travel 365 days a year), generous (gimme gimme gimme!), man (woman).

Wish me luck!

Charlene said...

Age is the one thing all men lie about. I met a guy once who told me on line that he was 50. He died about 5 years later and his obit said he was 78. It got so bad I had a friend who started asking for a drivers license when she met someone. Knowing a guy's real name and real age is important.

KrippledWarrior said...

I've never seen Craig's list. Do women really fall for this? Or are they all as intelligent as yourself?
By the way!!! What was on that plate you're scrubbing with your tongue?

KrippledWarrior said...

I'm really 80! And I couldn't get it up with a crane!

Red Shoes said...

I LOVE your "manslations!!"

Women lie about their ages too... Laura lied about her age by a good 5 years... I guess if one will lie about one thing, they will lie about anything...


Jimmy's Journal said...

Excellent, witty post! I may have to try a version of that on Jimmy's Journal one day. I love the concept and you are just the creative artist to learn from.


Riot Kitty said...

Bwahahahahaha!~! Thank you for the laughs, this is all *so* true!

mac said...

Never trust any guy who starts out by writing, "I'm 40, Yo"...that's a very bad sign.

That being said,
I'm 45 (no yo) and I am neither cute nor handsome.

But, hey, I still have most of my original hair, even if it is getting gray ;-)

Ms. Jenni [xo] said...

Oh dear lord. Sad thing is, while I was reading it I kept thinking, "..this sounds like something my ex would write." LOL!

Ily said...

You had me at "that's what she said!" Oh yeah! lol

You have a way of dissecting men, like no other chica I know. You could be a regular on "Millionaire Matchmaker" and do the DVD version of manslations there. Honestly, send them your resume and a few links to your blog. You'd get paid well for this, Chica!!

Senorita said...

I love all your comments on my "manslations", you rock !

Krippled Warrior, I was eating Cappuccino ice cream mud pie with a thick cookie crust. I just could not help myself in that restaurant, and I was totally willing to embarrass myself to the sake of getting every last bit of it off my plate.

Kerrie said...

Love the new licking photo. As for these adds well I love your version better and I would be more likely to reply, as at least your version is funny x

BamaTrav said...

It all comes with home training my friend. Men in the south are typically gentlemen. It's the way we are raised. Try a different geographical location to find the right type of guys.

MsH said...

Great insight into that Craigs listing. Thanks for the laugh.

That is way cool that some fellow tipped his hat at you. I love when men behave like gentlemen.

The nitty-gritty tales of a housewife said...

oh!! me going tell on you to your grannies!... WHEN WOULD YOU EVER BE SERIOUS?! [then you wouldn't be much fun to be with! *wink-wink*]hehehe

Loving Annie said...

Oh good lord, I am so glad I'm single!!!! It is staggering men like that exist. A pulse and no brain.