Europe and the bathroom

Hello My Little Chinchillas,

I hope you little fur coats had a fabulous Halloween. I have been feeling exhausted lately, so I opted to relax and take it easy. I opted not to spend money on a costume or go out and flirt with those of the male species. They'll get over it.

Instead, I decided to burn some cash by going to Borders. I don't really believe in travel books, but I broke down and bought Rick Steve's Europe Through the Back Door 2010 book.

Europe through the back door ? Sounds like something my friend Sergio would like. Especially since he spend a couple of weeks teabagging Austria, Hungary, Germany and Spain in September.

I am eligible for a vacation in a couple of weeks, and I hope that I will soon be able to visit Amsterdam. I am hoping to make it next February during the winter when flights are cheaper, and there are less tourists. I've always wanted to visit the Anne Frank house. That and her house on Merwedeplein 34, the house she lived in with her family before they were hidden. I know that house on Merwedeplein is closed to the public, but I wanted to see the neighborhood for myself. That house now houses artists that are persecuted in their homelands. Who knows if I will end up going. A girl can dream, right ?

Other than my trip to the bookstore today, I heard an ad on the radio, urging us to use less toilet paper.

First, there was a radio ad urging us to use less water on our lawns. Fine with me. We are seriously lacking water in California.

Then, there was an add urging us to cut our showers down by a couple of minutes. Okay, sure. Cutting down on a shower by a couple of minutes each time does add up to significant savings over time.

But today, the ad by some agency paid by our county was urging us to cut down on the amount of toilet paper we use when pissing and shitting. Okay, now I object ! Dear county of mine, please stay out of my goddamn bathroom and let me clean my backside in private. What's next ? A witty little rhyme "If it's brown flush it down, if it's yellow let it mellow?"

When it comes to wiping my ass, I don't want any instruction. I will use as much toilet paper as possible to get the job done. End of story.

Anyway, time to go use the bathroom.

Ciao for now. Abrazos y besos !

Omg !

Hello My Little French Pastries !

I had an interview this morning.

While I was in the interview and doing my best to convince Mr. Esq that I would be the perfect candidate for his practice, I accidentally farted.

Before that happened, I said something witty. I wasn't trying to be funny, but he asked me a question, so I answered it honestly. (We all know my honesty isn't always the best policy) So when he kinda laughed, I don't know if it was because of what I said, or because of what my ass said. It wasn't that loud, but then again, it wasn't that quiet either. I guess some things in life are just meant to be a mystery....

After I left the office, I stepped in dog shit. I was wondering what died, when I looked down and saw the present at the bottom of my shoe.

When I got home, I thought I lost my phone, and was frantically searching for it, so I didn't have time to eat.

I haven't eaten anything all day.

But the good news is.............. I saved 15% or possibly more on my auto insurance by switching to Geico. Actually, I lied. (Geico charges more than my current carrier)

Really though, the good news is that Mr. Esq liked me, and said that I am a good candidate, and said that he believes everything I told him ( I wonder how much bs the other candidates were feeding him). He really drilled me with questions, too. He said he will let me know next week.

I know that by telling you this, that I am probably jinxing myself. But I don't give a shit. I've had so many close calls with interviews that this wouldn't faze me anyway.

I've been feeling kinda feisty all week. I feel like the little frilly dragon below in the Geico commercial in the 16th second. It suits me, especially because I tend to eat all the mints in real life.




Well, my little desserts that is all for now. I hope you have a fabulous weekend.

Besos !

Dear Mr. Physical Therapist...........

Dear Mr. Physical Therapist...................

First of all, thank you for all your help, I am finally starting to feel some relief. You also seem to genuinely care about those you treat, and I appreciate that. And a huge thank you for offering to hand out my resume to the appropriate people. That was wonderful, and I am greatful.

But please do keep the following in mind...............


1.) All of us are in one big room, so when you talk to me, everyone else gets to hear what comes out of my mouth as well.

With that said, I was shocked when after you asked if my parents are divorced, you then proceeded to ask why. Why ? I said "differences of opinion."

You kinda snickered and got the hint that I didn't want to talk about it so you explained that you got divorced 8 years ago and have children around my age, so you wanted to know why. Then you waited for me to answer again, so I said "It's long and complicated."

Trust me, you don't want to know why. I don't even like to think back and remember why, and if I told you the whole story, you wouldn't even believe me anyway and then you would label me the crazy lady, so no, you didn't get an answer from me, nor will you in the forseeable future.

2.) When I looked at you like I was disgusted, I was not disgusted at you personally, nor was I doubting your opinions or your advice. I simply was put off by the fact that I saw you massaging the feet of two different people after they were doing a little workout, and then came over to me and had your hands on my neck and scalp. I could still smell that strong gel on your hands. In fact, my hair smelled like that nasty ass icey gel.

I was simply try to remember if I saw you wash your hands or not. I couldn't verify it since I was busy doing my own excercises. I guess I will never know. But thanks for helping me smell like a foot.

3.) When you are working on my jaw, your face is pretty close to mine. Could you please for the love of Baby Jesus have a mint ? It smells like something died in your mouth.

Have you ever seen Ace Ventura Pet Detective ? Did you know that I can quote almost the whole movie ? You should give it a watch sometime.

Anyway, remember when Ace stood up, turned around and talked out of his ass ? His ass said, "Excuse me, I'd like to ASS you a few questions.................. Do you have a mint.......... or perhaps some Binaca ?" Or remember when he made his ass cough and sing ? Asshole...a....mia.......Oh ! Sodomia................

Yeah, well that totally reminded me of you, so when you are dealing with me and I have a smirk on my face, please know what is going through my brain.

4.) Those jaw excercises you are having me do at home, they make me look like I am giving head. I am sure you got a kick out of that when you had me do it to make sure I got it right. Damn, this TMJ condition.

5.) Isn't there another way I can do my arm excercises ? I don't like laying on my stomach and lifting my arms up with weights. My boobs are pressed against the table and it hurts.

Okay, so that is all for now. Have a nice weekend, and we'll do this little dance again on Monday.

Sincerely,

Your patient

BS Craigslist Requests...................

Hello My Little Mourning Doves.........

I live in the SF Bay Area. I am also always perusing Craigslist for a nice apartment, or a better job.

I like to laugh at the ads for rooms that state there is "a big walking closet" (walk-in closet). Oh really ? Will it walk up to me and scare me in the middle of the night too ?

There are also many ads for rooms where they charge you full rent, yet they don't want you to use the kitchen. Recently, I found a guy who said that he preferred a roommate that liked to stay in his room.

Anywhore, I am not really here to squawk about housing on Craigslist.

I wanted to share with you this little gem, especially since I know there are a few of you in the legal field:

Hello. I am a Pro Per as the plaintiff in a civil harassment case against my neighbors.

I am needing a paralegal for the usual stuff. Helping me with motions, opposition to motions, discovery, etc. Since I'm new to this, I will need help understanding how to respond, which forms, my options in responding, etc.
This is in Alameda county but the paralegal can be in the greater SF Bay area.
The case has already been filed, so I'm looking for a paralegal that can get started fairly quickly. The work will be part-time freelance and sporadic as the case progresses. But I would like a paralegal that can stick with the case all the way through trial if that occurs.

Please respond by letting me know your experience in civil litigation, your compensation, and other information you feel is relevant. Thanks.

::Blinks::

I just can't possibly address all the thoughts going through my head.

I know lawyers are expensive. It's expensive to practice law. I know I couldn't afford one right now.

But this guy is not only too cheap to hire an attorney, he wants a paralegal to do everything the attorney does, including the entire discovery process ! LOL.

Paralegals can only work under attorneys or in law firms or government agencies. They are basically the attorneys' bitches and can only work under their direction. For good reason, if there is a major screw-up the attorneys are held liable.

I was almost tempted to "apply" for this bullshit offer, as I wanted to see how he would question me, and how he would critique my resume, knowing that he wouldn't have an idea of what to ask me. Like what was he going to pay me ? $10 an hour ?

The sad thing is, he will probably get someone that responds. Oh wait, I did........ I told him he was crazy, what he was asking is illegal, and that he should do his own legal research.

Random Questions From an Ex Myspace Whore

Hello There My Little Pumpkin Pies,

I used to be on Myspace, but I took it down last year before summer. Now the latest social fad is Facebook. Everyone including my 89 year old grandma is up there, but I haven't made the leap yet. I really should, as it would be valuable in connecting with distant relatives with my last name.

How about Twitter ? Any Twitter whores out there ? It's a good thing I'm not up there I would be tweeting about my bathroom escapades. I would tweet mainly about my morning dumps. Yes my little desserts, I am that nasty. No shame, and no I didn't get that from my mother.

But in the meantime, while I contemplate leaping into another social circle, I did one of those random teeny-bopper surveys from Myspace..................

More Completely Random Survey Questions
Have Fun Taking this Unique MySpace Survey!
Is your second toe longer than your first?	No
Do you have a favorite type of pen?	No
Look at your planner for March 14, what are you doing?	I don't plan that far ahead
What color are your toenails usually?	Blood red (that's the name)
What was the last thing you highlighted?	Something at work
What color are your bedroom curtains?	I have blinds
What color are the seats in your car?	Grey
Have you ever had a black and white cat?	No
What is the last thing you put a stamp on?	A handwritten note
Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?	No
Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?	I wanted food money
Who is the last baby that you held?	I can't remember, it's been so long
Do you know of any twins with rhyming names?	I think Neena and Veena, the bellydancing twins
Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste?	No way
What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?	The same I am now
Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators	I couldn't care less
Last time you went to Six Flags?	15 years ago when it was Marine World
Do you have any wallpaper in your house?	No, that is so eighties
Closest thing to you that is yellow:	Medicine tube
Last person to give you a business card?	One of my recruiters
Who is the last person you wrote a check to?	Doctor
Closest framed picture to you?	Grandma and grandpa
Last time you had someone cook for you?	Over the weekend
Have you ever applied for welfare?	No
How many emails do you have?	I am an e-mail whore, at least 5
Last time you received flowers/flower?	Shit, I can't remember
Do you think the sanctity of marriage is meant for only a man & woman?	I believe in marriage, period
What are you listening to right now?	Miley Cyrus
Do you play air guitar?	Hahaha, no
Do you have any Willow Tree figurines?	No
What is your high school's rival mascot?	Hahaha, that was so ten years ago !
who is the last person you talked to from high school?	Shira, we went to our reunion together
Last time you used hand sanitizer?	Today at work
Would you like to learn to play the drums?	A tablah, yes as it's used in bellydance
What color are the blinds in your living room?	White
What is in your inbox at work?	Passdowns for my shift
Last thing you read in the newspaper?	The newspaper in Spanish talking about the mortgage crisis
What was the last pageant you attended?	Never
What is the last place you bought pizza from?	Pizza My Heart
Have you ever worn a crown?	No
What is the last thing you stapled?	Your tongue for asking such a question......
Did you ever drink clear Pepsi?	No, me no likey Pepsi
Are you ticklish?	Yes
Last time you saw fireworks?	July 4th
Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?	Don't remember, but it was goood......
Who is the last person that left you a message on your cell?	Henry
Last time you parked under a carport?	Don't remember
Do you have a black dog?	No
Do you have any pickles in your fridge?	Yes
How long have they been there??	Have no idea, they are not mine
Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of?	My mom, but I like mine too
Last time you saw a semi truck?	Today ?
Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe?	No
Do you have a little black dress?	Yes, it's a hot dress too
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