Thursday, October 29, 2009

Dear Mr. Physical Therapist...........

Dear Mr. Physical Therapist...................

First of all, thank you for all your help, I am finally starting to feel some relief. You also seem to genuinely care about those you treat, and I appreciate that. And a huge thank you for offering to hand out my resume to the appropriate people. That was wonderful, and I am greatful.

But please do keep the following in mind...............

1.) All of us are in one big room, so when you talk to me, everyone else gets to hear what comes out of my mouth as well.

With that said, I was shocked when after you asked if my parents are divorced, you then proceeded to ask why. Why ? I said "differences of opinion."

You kinda snickered and got the hint that I didn't want to talk about it so you explained that you got divorced 8 years ago and have children around my age, so you wanted to know why. Then you waited for me to answer again, so I said "It's long and complicated."

Trust me, you don't want to know why. I don't even like to think back and remember why, and if I told you the whole story, you wouldn't even believe me anyway and then you would label me the crazy lady, so no, you didn't get an answer from me, nor will you in the forseeable future.

2.) When I looked at you like I was disgusted, I was not disgusted at you personally, nor was I doubting your opinions or your advice. I simply was put off by the fact that I saw you massaging the feet of two different people after they were doing a little workout, and then came over to me and had your hands on my neck and scalp. I could still smell that strong gel on your hands. In fact, my hair smelled like that nasty ass icey gel.

I was simply try to remember if I saw you wash your hands or not. I couldn't verify it since I was busy doing my own excercises. I guess I will never know. But thanks for helping me smell like a foot.

3.) When you are working on my jaw, your face is pretty close to mine. Could you please for the love of Baby Jesus have a mint ? It smells like something died in your mouth.

Have you ever seen Ace Ventura Pet Detective ? Did you know that I can quote almost the whole movie ? You should give it a watch sometime.

Anyway, remember when Ace stood up, turned around and talked out of his ass ? His ass said, "Excuse me, I'd like to ASS you a few questions.................. Do you have a mint.......... or perhaps some Binaca ?" Or remember when he made his ass cough and sing ? Asshole...a....mia.......Oh ! Sodomia................

Yeah, well that totally reminded me of you, so when you are dealing with me and I have a smirk on my face, please know what is going through my brain.

4.) Those jaw excercises you are having me do at home, they make me look like I am giving head. I am sure you got a kick out of that when you had me do it to make sure I got it right. Damn, this TMJ condition.

5.) Isn't there another way I can do my arm excercises ? I don't like laying on my stomach and lifting my arms up with weights. My boobs are pressed against the table and it hurts.

Okay, so that is all for now. Have a nice weekend, and we'll do this little dance again on Monday.


Your patient


Candice said...


I don't know how one person can not be aware that his/her breath smells like dead buzzard, when their nose is so close to their mouth?

Seriously, can someone please explain that to me?

Cathy said...

You know I enjoy you, my cuddly sensuous pastry to the world, but might I ask - why bother with a p-therapist when you know it's a group-thing and all will know all? Hide your secrets well, but know first which are which. Eh?

Senorita said...


There are a few patients in the big room together at a time. We are there to do exercise and then get a little treatment at the end, depending on our respective conditions. I get heat therapy on my jaw as well as something else I can't remember the name of.

I have TMJ. I need this physical therapy, no matter what. This isn't a secret, and I don't care if other people know it or not.

My condition can't be cured, or fixed. Even operations aren't guaranteed and are usually advised against. All I can do is work out and get physical therapy.

Hope that answers your questions.

* Ashleigh * said...

What are these exercises? Anything to increase my endurance? hehehe

Also, what are these arm exercises you speak of? Any alternatives as to not smash your chesticles??

Are you going to come out with me on Halloween? :)

Paul Nichols said...

I don't answer personal questions except in the confines of a professional's office. I sure wouldn't discuss family/folks/kids/pets/anything else where you were. Yikes!

I did ask a personal question on my blog just this morning, though. You might be interested.

And you're right about mints. I need 'em alot—and I use 'em alot. Sorry. I have a friend who buys 'em at Costco: 5,000 in a bag.

Kerrie said...

Hope you fianlly got rid of that foot smell hun xx

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Man I hope he reads this and realizes he needs a beath mint!! lol

Stacie's Madness said...

take the mints with you next time.

Liam said...

How do you get yourself into these things?

Senorita said...


I have no idea. I guess I have a knack for getting into interesting situations.

I also want to ask you the same question my friend..........

You and I could be BFFs or something.

مى said...

That was very amusing, you have an interesting way of writing :)


Scarlet said...

Bad breath and hands that smell like couldn't paint a worse pic of this guy! lol

I can't wait to hear what happens next time you go for a visit.

PS - Jaw exercises?? Really?? You need to vlog about that. :)

Loving Annie said...

I think I'd try to find another physical therapist for your TMJ. He sounds unclean, unprofessional and a bit of a creep.

mac said...

You poor thing. I feel for you on the breath thing. I have a very good friend who has the worst breath. He's such a nice guy, always giving, lover of puppies and such. BUT, when he talks to me, he gets very close ( isn't that always the case?). I feel for his wife. I can't imagine kissing him (other than I'm not gay ;)....As far as those jaw exercises, I would LOVE to see those ;-)

Deine Mutter said...

This is so hilarious! You have a wonderful way with words and you can make me laugh no matter what you are writing about. And thanks for not airing dirty family laundry - much appreciated!

Love ya!

VJ said...

"With that said, I was shocked when after you asked if my parents are divorced, you then proceeded to ask why. Why ? I said "differences of opinion."

Now some answers to: the real reasons for the divorce (Informed speculation from other cases):

1.) They seemingly ran out of ammo at about the same time. So they called in a truce & the lawyers.

2.) The hitman chickened out & called it off. That being the 3rd one to do so too.

3.) The car bomb failed to detonate. Curses! The Internet Lies!

4.) They had gradually 'grown apart'. He was in Phoenix with cute Ms. X-22, mom remained behind in Houston. For the last, oh dozen years. They were perfectly happy with that arrangement until little Ms. X wanted some more moola.

5.) The kids were begging us for one for the Hols. Again. This year.

6.) They developed philosophical differences in their approaches to life. He sobered up & slowly & gradually developed something akin to a conscience and this was deeply disturbing & shocking to the rest of the family. She lost a lot of weight during this time and gradually took on a much more humanoid appearance, and hence suddenly become moderately attractive for the first time in her adult life. We could not keep the cowboys off of her actually when she went out 'on the town'. And dad would no longer fight them for her honor. He said he was tired of doing so. (But he'd never really did!) Ruined a perfectly acceptable TX relationship& marriage! Change is Bad!

7.) He no longer wanted much sex, and watched too much TV and porn on the net. She actually craved more since all the kids were finally gone. So she took to hiring all sorts of temp 'tradesmen' for the home. We had about 70K+ worth of work done on a '65/ 2000 sq ft vintage yet unspectacular ranch, all for no more than 20 something. And all the work was done in record time too. Go figure. He was fine with all this being such a cheapskate, until she finally came up pregnant @ 45. 'I always told him I wanted another kid. How else was I supposed to accomplish that?' It was mostly an amicable divorce. Mom remarried one of the richer contractors. He's an older feller, but boy is that guy happy. Home early every damn night, carrying on like love birds all the way up until the new kid was born. We're trying to redraw the more complicated family tree presently...

8.) Evidently it was a condition of their parole, no one county was safe & secure enough to possibly try and contain them both.

9.) He/she had to be deported as a result of their felony convictions.

10.) Little Suzie & Jimmy hidden away in the attic/basement ratted on them and sent daddy to jail. After the completion of her sentence, mom waited the recommended time period and finally divorced him, knowing he'd likely die in jail.
But yeah, I'm with Annie here. None of his business actually. And what is? He's not doing well enough or paying enough attention to! Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'