Monday, October 26, 2009

Open letters to my yoga classes...........

Dear Mr. Hotness.............

So I was sitting on my yoga mat, waiting for the instructor to show up. You know how it is, yoga class at the gym....... it's usually a clamfest with a hint of old sausage.

And then you showed up. Nice, fit man with nice pectorals. Now I know that you work out, and I am willing to bet that you eat your leafy greens and take your vitamins. Now you are opening your chakras. Good for you !

It is so rare that men show up to a yoga class, let alone a good looking one. Last week, there was this wannabe thug-looking guy who came to the class and could barely hold a pose. But that didn't really count in my book. But you ? Yes, you counted............

Anyway, yes, I was totally staring at you, trying to be sly about it. No, I do not care if you saw me. I am shy and would never have worked up the nerve to talk to you anyway. So I was enjoying the view, and admiring your nice broad shoulders, and moving down your arms until.............. BAM !!! I saw a thick gold wedding band. It's like you smacked me with that gold band. Next time, why don't you just aim for the heart ?

Would you please go do the downward dog in someone else's class ? I don't want to be distracted when I should be focusing on my breathing and thinking pure thoughts.


The girl three mats over.

Dear woman in the wrong yoga pants,

Hi, I don't know your name, but that's not really relevant. You won't want to know mine after I am done enlightening you.

So..... I was just getting ready for class when you walked in. First of all, you are a thin woman and those pants you have on make you look kinda flabby, when you really aren't. Also, they hug your body in the wrong places. Those pants have a knack for making you look flabby while giving you a huge camel toe. I didn't know that such a thing was possible. And no, I was not staring at you. You were a sight that just could not be avoided. Please keep in mind that when I looked up you were walking in my general direction AND........ the whole room is surrounded by mirrors. So we were all treated to different angles of what you were displaying.

Just an FYI..........


Dear yoga instructors,

Keep up the great work ! Thank you for not making us do the Crow.

Namaste !

P.S: This is the Crow. I have the upper arm strength of a kitten, so it's not a favorite of mine...........


G.G. said...

omg - tooooo effin funny!
Shite - I TOTALLY forget that the left hand ring finger should be the FIRST thing i need to check out on a dude. I never remember that one. Damn. Sucks. Yah, he needs to def do the downward dog some other place!

p.s. - thanks for your comment on my blog. Its really difficult finding an opening nowadays, as many in the field are having to close up shop for lack of income! I personally know 3 in their 40s who just let their staff go and closed their doors!!! BUT, that being said, once you get your foot in somewhere, you can prove yourself and work your way up and become an indispensable asset. Key is going on as many interviews as possible (and I realize there probably aren't many openings to begin with - but just apply to any one there may be). Shite girl, you'll prolly get the job on looks alone...

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Or he could be wearing the wedding ring because it is a decoy because He is actually gay.

Damn those gay hot men all to hell!

Big Mark 243 said...

Shelly Raye and I were of the same mind. Hot guy with a wedding band and no wife in sight in a yoga class ..? He got that ring in a 'committment ceremony', not that I am hating.

Some women think that because they are 'thin' that they have nice looking bodies. Fully clothed they look malnourished and in work out gear they look like they are a worn out balloon.

mac said...

When I taught TaeKwonDo, one of my fellow instructors also had a yoga class. He was always trying to get me more involved in yoga, saying it would improve my martial arts with flexibility and stamina.... I felt kind of perv-y. I can't help but stare and daydream during some of those smoking hot poses.... Camel toe? It can be a beautiful thing, or just plain disturbing. :-)

Mr. Hotness said...

Dear Girl Three Mats Over:
I was so enjoying pretending not to notice you totally staring at me - you were really staring hard. Who could blame you? I'm sure you weren't the only clam in the class staring hard at me. In fact, Woman In Wrong Yoga Pants was getting her panties all in a bunch over my extreme hotness. I have that effect on people. And then I saw it hit you - BAM! You noticed my ring and assumed I was happily married. I'm happy to admit that the intended result was achieved. Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Rawr!!!!! See you next class, and in the meantime, let's practice our downward doggie-style, shall we?

Senorita said...

Dear Mr. Hotness,

LOL, that was funny !

Hey, the guy was hot, but only until I saw the wedding ring. The wedding ring was off-putting.

Some other "clam" can stare him down.

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

Humans actually perform that move? Yikes!

Danielle said...


Liam said...

See men can never get it right. If you don't wear the ring you're a scumbag if you do wear the ring you're a teaser.

We men are screwed!

Shadowdancer said...

Thank goodness your instructor didn't make the class do the: Thirsty Alter-boy position.

dadshouse said...

And that downward dog wedding band is why I don't do yoga - all the women in classes I've attended were married. And if they were single, they didn't want a thug like me hitting on them.

I'll stick to bars.

Nice story telling.

Deine Mutter said...

Du bist sehr witzig! Ich habe fast so viel gelacht wie ueber Deine Manslations! Ich habe auch ueber Mr. Hotness sehr lachen muessen - gute Antwort!

Viel Spass in Yoga class!


OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Good God....Deliver me from The Crow! That looks so damn difficult! LOL!
Too bad about that Handsome Guy....but, that's life, I guess.
And the woman? I am not sure I get it. Shouldn't people be able to wear whatever they want in Yoga Class?? Camel Toe?? Don't know what that one is, at! But it sounds very colorful...!

Stacie's Madness said...

damn, i want to be in your yoga class for the hot married guy (not the camel toe lady, just to clarify)

Senorita said...

Someone please explain to Ms. Lady Of the Hills what a cameltoe is......

I don't think I could explain it tactfully here.

Speaking of which, I occasionaly see women in bellydance with costume pants that highlight the cameltoe. Usually at a performance.

Scarlet said...

LOL @ you and Naomi (Ms. Lady of the Hills). I'll e-mail her. :)

Btw, I've never seen a hottie at a yoga class. EVER! The guys are all older than my grandfather would be if he were alive today and extremely bony. They all sit around talking about Feldenkrais and checking out the the cameltoe woman you mentioned here. Sad, actually.

I need to get into yoga again...either that or belly dancing. I miss both!

* Ashleigh * said...

Lady on the Hill...a camel toe is like getting a wedgie except in the front! YIKES!

Senorita: was it Susan Kumar?!?!?! Double camel toe plus ill fitting underwear?!?!

What are you doing for Halloween??

Senorita said...

Ashleigh Mama Cita,

Hey, let's get together for Halloween !

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