Wednesday, October 21, 2009

What was I thinking ?????

Hello my little nectar sucking hummingbirds,

I am currently 28 and about to turn 29 next month. Ever since I turned 27 I have been doing some serious reflection on my life: Thinking about the past and trying to plan for the future. Just a few years ago when I was in my early twenties, I felt like I had all the time in the world to do whatever. And now, I feel that if I don't grow up fast and come up with a plan, life will pass me by before I know it. Older people laugh at me all the time for feeling this way, but I just think that they have forgotten what it feels like at this age.

People in the spiritual world would say that I am facing my Saturn Return. Here is what Wikipedia has to say:

The Saturn Return is an astrological phenomenon that occurs at the ages of 27-30, 58-60, and finally from 86-88, coinciding with the time it takes the planet Saturn to make one orbit around the sun. It is believed by astrologers that as Saturn "returns" to the degree in which it occupied at the time of birth—approximately every 29.5 years—a person crosses over a major threshold and into the next stage of life. With the first Saturn Return, a person leaves youth behind and enters adulthood. With the second Return, maturity. And the third and usually final Return, a person enters wise old age.

Ever since I turned 27 a lot has happened in my life : I've seen a therapist (something I was raised against), I have conquered a lot of demons from my past, I ended my last relationship, I have moved three times, volunteered for different organizations (wasn't allowed to volunteer freely growing up), graduated and have been working on settling down in my career. Just a lot of changes and I know more change is in my future.

While I am going through this phase, I have also come to the realization, that yeah, I made a lot of poor choices that I thought were brilliant at the time. It's kinda of like I have been living my life with my beer goggles on for the first 28 years, and this year they finally came off. Young age and stupidity do go hand in hand. I refuse to write about some of the dumb shit I did, as most of it will go to the grave with me.

Some of the realizations I've come to while thinking back, and looking at old pictures:

1.) What the hell was I thinking when I went out with him ?
2.) My mom and dad were right when they told me that.
3.) Why on earth did I think all that makeup was hot ?
4.) Pleather is awful. I looked slutty in that.
5.) I really had such a bad outlook on life, it didn't have to be that way.
6.) Why didn't I stand up for myself. Why was I too afraid to defend myself ?
7.) I could've gone a lot further in my life.
8.) I can't believe I said such a thing..... ( I said so many stupid things)

I also reflected on what I've done right:

1.) I am so glad I lived abroad on my own for a year.
2.) I am so glad things didn't work out with my ex.
3.) Going back to school was the smartest thing I've done in a while.
4.) I am glad I got myself out of the massive debt I was in before this recession and I hope that I stay wise in the future.
5.) I am glad I found bellydance.
6.) I am glad that I've learned the hard way in lessons of the heart. I am glad I haven't had it easy with men. I've learned many lessons early and have potential to be a great wife to someone. I know a good man when I see one, and won't let him get away.

I know, this isn't my witty self, my little colored feathery friends. But sometimes I have to be true to myself and write about whatever I feel like.

Speaking of which..............

I have been reading various books lately and will be giving book reviews to books that I find interesting. Kinda like Oprah's book club, but with way, WAY less followers.

I am a book whore, and have no problem walking into Borders and just buying brand new books. I know I should be checking books out from the library, but I love buying a brand new book, and I love that new book paper smell. Something I inherited from my mother.

So expect a review from me soon.


Random Esquire said...

Ahh, I think 28 is a great age. I tried to think if I was having similar thoughts like this at 28. I was a young attorney and I felt like my life was just *beginning* because I was out of school and actually living life instead of constantly preparing for it.

I think I had feelings more similar to the ones you've described in the last few years. Hence running off to Europe, paragliding, jumping off bridges in Costa Rica, etc. And now I am 36. And wondering if I've done enough yet. If I will ever marry? If I will have kids? Mostly, though, I don't over-worry about it. But I think it's good to do the kind of reflection you're doing. Now...on to your lists...

I think they show a nice, naked honesty. I like that. Don't get me wrong; I enjoy wit and snark and sarcasm...but it's nice to know more about the things that make us each human.

I enjoyed your entry.


Big Mark 243 said...

I am going to spare you a long comment ... I see a lot of growth here and admire you for it!

Senorita said...

Thanks Random and Mark,

Your words mean a lot to me :)

That One Mom said...

Reflection seems to be the theme of the day. Life only gets better the more in order you get yourself! Good for you!

Liam said...

Great! I turn 27 next month. Guess I'm going to experience the Saturn thing.

Kerrie said...

Don't worry the Thirties are my favorite age. I think you really start to feel comfortable in your own skin in your thirtes.

Danielle said...

I really like this post. I think with the coming of every decade in our lives, we evaluate, learn and adjust if needed. It is a good thing.
Sounds like your 1st list was all young growing stuff. The second list is very SMART. You definitly sound wise beyond your years there!
Good for you.

Deine Mutter said...

Na ich glaube jezt bist Du schon ganz erwachsen, schnueffel schnueffel...kein kleines Kind mehr...seufz...

Aber ernsthaft, ich bin stolz auf Dich, was Du alles in Deinem jungen Leben schon gemacht hast. Und noch so viel vor Dir!


dadshouse said...

Saturn knocked me on my ass, and I'm not quite sure I ever recovered... haha.

You're very self aware, despite the snarky facade. Bravo. Oh, and it's a nice facade. That's what makes it all so fun.

Shelly Rayedeane said...

I love that new book smell too. In fact, when I was in school, I spent more time sniffing the book then reading it. Btw, I'm a November baby too!

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

You are definitely at the age where you should be thinkiing seriously about your life. Don't let us old folks disuade you from doing so. Life comes at you so hard and fast at times you'll wake up tomorrow wondering where your yesterday went.

Tom Bailey said...

Time is a great ally of the person that learns from and applies lessons learned in time.

PorkStar said...

I agree with you, definitely the older you get the more objective you see the years you left behind, the last decades are usually the ones marked with something particular that makes you go hmmm... WTF?

Yeah, I've had plenty of those too.