Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Sexy Stocks

Hello My Little Peacocks and Peahens............

I have a knack for making everything dirty, and if you give me a totally innocent phrase, I am sure I could make it skanky/slutty/dirty for you. I am just that resourceful.

I remember when I was in Barcelona working for a telemarketing firm. It was my only way to stay in the country and pay my bills in addition to the unstable private English lessons I gave.

You know, I did not get one solid lead. My boss at the time wanted me to get at least ten solid leads a day, but he made me call businesses out of the phone book, many of which did not even speak English. I would end up calling bakeries in Belgium and wood shops in Switzerland, many of which would laugh at me. So to get through the day I would just write fake leads, about ten of them, maybe a little less so I could make it look like I struggled, and hand them in. I would usually ask for names, and even though they would tell me they were not interested, I would send them the prospectus anyway. I never got one solid lead in the total eight months I was there, yet they kept me there. I don't know why, I do have big boobs though. But you know what ? I made enough money to live comfortably. Life was a hustle alone in a foreign country and I somehow made it without having to literally whore myself out. I just opted for phonewhoring financial opportunities instead.

Anyway, we had to pitch financial opportunities. For eight months, I was on the phone eight hours a day calling people all over Europe. It got really boring really fast.

I told my boss I was in the wrong business and that I should pitch sexy stocks instead, but he told me to shut up and get back on the fucking phone. He doesn't know what he missed out on. I could've been one of those chicks pitching sexy stocks while eating a bag of chips or filing my nails.

What if I changed my name to Eva and threw the following lines at you, would you be interested in investing ?:

"You have a very large portfolio"

"If you hire me, I intend to keep you abreast of what's going on in the market on a daily basis"

"I would love to help you enhance your portfolio through diversification. More is better"

"Perhaps we can chat over coffee to discuss if the stimulus package will benefit you."

"Currently, the value of your portfolio is down, but I can help you get it back up again."

"You seem busy, perhaps you would like to show me your portfolio in a more private setting ?" My office or yours ?"

"After talking about stocks, I would like it if we can move onto bondage, I mean....bonds."

Please give me your input. (No pun intended)

Love, chocolates and kisses,



Organic Meatbag said...

Ha!! Great stuff, S! You would have definitely found yourself with a huge client base.. "How do you feel about pork futures?" Hehehe...

Tom Bailey said...

It seems like you were working in the small cap market and maybe something larger cap would have worked better for you.

In "smaller cap" there is a take what they can attitude. But with a larger cap companies would not have kept you around.

Water finds its own level on many levels.

Big Mark 243 said...

I wonder what drew that bullionsInvestor to you journal?? Kind of weird if you as me.

Do you think you could do a stand up routine with your sense of humor?? Pretty and with your background in performance, I think you would kill at an open mike.

Senorita said...

Orgasmic Meatgag,

I will consult my friend Porkstar about that, thank you.....


I don't understand your comment. You told me that something larger cap would've worked better for me, yet they wouldn't have kept me around....... Why suggest something to me if it wouldn't work out anyway ?

Are you trying to set me straight, or are you trying to pay me a compliment ? I can't decide, and maybe it's because I haven't had my morning coffee.


Thanks but no thanks. Your financial advice is not very sexy at all.

I equate it to penis pumps or penis pills. It it may enhance your "portfolio" for a couple of hours, but in the end you are left with nothing.

Big Mark,

Now there is a compliment ! Thank you, and no I wouldn't do an open mike. It's not really my style. I prefer harrassing people one-one-one or on my blog.

Mike said...

Hey there you go a new job. Getting appointments for financial people. They're always looking and since you're not going on the appointment who cares what you say. You could be making big bucks there.

mac said...

Watch for the hostile takeovers. Other than that, I think a merger would produce many returns on your initial investment ;-).

dadshouse said...

How's my portfolio girth? Or is length better in these down times?

Senorita said...


It warms the cockles of my heart that you are calling on me for my expertise.

Why don't we meet up so I can take a closer look at your portfolio privately. With other so called experts around, I wouldn't want any stock-blocking going on.

I am guessing that your portfolio is quite sizeable. However, length is more important in these down times. You need to keep investing longer and ride out the bad times. But the ride isn't always a bad thing.

So in conclusion, longer is better.


Scarlet said...

Phonewhoring beats the real thing (so to speak). ;)

I think you have a knack for writing funny erotica (if such a thing exists).

I like "the stimulus package" line. Sounds like a great title for a funny erotica book as well.

PorkStar said...

That's why you and I get along so well lmao...

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