Saturday, December 31, 2011

Bye Bye 2011 !

Hello Kitty Cats :)

So another year has passed us by. Say hello to 2012 !

I hope you had a nice Xmas ! I saw my family. I had a wonderful dinner with my grandparents. Some of the foods I indulged in were: Spaghetti, cheesy garlic bread, prime rib, vegetables, chocolate silk pie with an oreo cookie crust. My grandparents were cute and in love as always. My grandpa is such a doting gentleman to my grandmother, and it is so precious to see, and I always enjoy reading the love notes he leaves her.

My grandmother told me stories about the good old days, and she showed me some of her jewelry collection. I don't really like jewelry that much, and don't really wear anything unless it's given to me. My grandma gave me some cool retro jewelry. She gave me costume earrings from the 1950s. Not with the clips, but the ones that you have to tighten the post on your earlobe. I also got a necklace her friend made for her, and her prized bracelet that she bought 60 years ago in Italy. Since we both have very tiny wrists, it was a perfect match. I am happy that I will be able to keep this jewelry in the family.

I just had my blogiversary on December 29th. I've been blogging for 8 years now. I can't believe how fast time flies.

This year was good to me (assuming that tonite is uneventful). I was able to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family and I had my health. That is always important, you can't replace family memories or pay for health. I also visited family in Austria over the summer as well as spending time with my friend in the Netherlands. So in a nutshell here is what happened to me in 2011........

-- Moved
-- Got a new job
-- Quit my part time security job
-- Took a vacation

I had hurdles, the biggest being my fight with depression. I decided in January that I would take medication. It took a lot to come to that, since I've battled it out for ten years without meds, but I just decided that it was too much to bear and I got on medication. I really had to swallow my pride and admit that I need help. But unless people suffer from the same thing, they really have no idea what it's like, that it's not a passing phase, and that I can't just get over it.

It's not something I like to admit to having, but anxiety and depression run in the family so I know that it's not all me, and that I am in good company. If I could have things my way, I would never leave the house. I could stay holed up in here forever. I could die alone and not really bat an eyelash. Yeah, when I think about future plans,I wonder if I will ever end up getting married or at least being in a relationship, but on a day-to-day basis I could go home to an empty house every day and not think twice. I could step out of the house with no make-up and shabby clothes and not give a shit. It's a far cry from when I was in my early twenties and had to have my hair and makeup done before leaving the house.

The hardest part of this all for me is knowing I have a lot to be grateful for and having lots of opportunities to be happy, but not being able to feel the full effect of the happiness I should be feeling. I am grateful for what I have, I just wish I could feel true happiness along with it. Sometimes I do, but not as often as I like. For me, a day where I just feel normal is a success. When those days come, I cherish them.

Before I was on medication, my emotions were all over the place. Imagine you are sitting at a red light, and see a car behind you. You know it's gonna hit you, and that you can't go anywhere and just have to sit there and take it. How you'd feel for those seconds before getting hit, was how I was feeling all day, every day. When I would talk to men, I had the urge to hide, I would avoid eye-contact, I would just put out the "don't talk to me" vibes, but then wonder why I was so alone all the time.

The medication has taken the edge off, but it does make you a little numb. I am not feeling the extreme highs and lows right now. But that's okay. I would rather be numb right now than to take a risk and feel anxious all the time like I was feeling. Sometimes I think we are all just a step or two away from going crazy.

When I see shows like Intervention or Hoarders or I see homeless people on the street, while other people are talking about how crazy they are or how they could never end up that way, I think that we are always a step or two away from losing our shit and acting out.

Battling my feelings like this has really humbled be and made me less judgemental and more compassionate to others. It has definitely knocked me down a few notches and made me realize that I don't have all the answers, and that I feel more compassion for people when they lose it. That they can be down and get back up again, and that nothing in life is permanent.

So yeah, that's all for now. Please feel free to leave me comments or e-mail me if you have any questions or want to talk or commiserate.

Have a Happy 2012 and count your blessings :)


Riot Kitty said...

I have anxiety and depression too, and I turned to meds years for the depression ago as a last resort. I am so glad I did. I still have trouble from time to time, but it's manageable - and like you, it's in my DNA.

It sounds like you had a lot of good things happen in 2011! More to come in 2012, I hope.

Miss Stormy Marples said...

Senorita, that was a courageous blog. Kudos to u for being open enough to share those thoughts. I hope that 2012 brings some happiness in ur life. Sincerely, StormyDawn

Memphis Steve said...

Happy 2012, or at least here's hoping its a happy 2012! And here's hoping for happier days from now on regardless of what year it is, too. :-)

Scarlet said...

I like the way you always pull yourself up, go forward, keep on keepin' on...through all those feeling you just described. That makes you inspirational to me. I've been there, years ago, and with my father being sick and things not feeling the way they used to in general, I'm relating more to not fully feeling happy when I have everything going my way. I miss those uppety days that wouldn't end, but life takes turns and people get sick and that's just the way it goes...which is why we should be grateful for the here and now.

I'm glad the meds are making you feel better. You are in good company, mi'ja. Lots of creative, inspirational and talented people have a history of depression. You will get through it.

Love and hugs and best wishes for a peaceful and joyful 2012!! ♥

PS - Any chance you can show us a photo of the prized bracelet your grandmother gave you? Sounds amazing...and so does the relationship she has with your grandfather. So cute. :)

Red Shoes said...

Hey, Senorita... I have some things I would like to ask/mention, but I will do that through email...

You are brave... courageous for posting this... I wish I could give you a big hug...