Saturday, December 10, 2011

Ghettofabulousness !

What's Up My Little Rosebuds ?

I am gonna make this short and sweet. As you know, I got a new job a couple of months ago. I work in a lawfirm in a nice area, pretty much next to nice neighborhoods. Our office looks kinda retro in a 1970s porno film kinda way. You've got the blue worn down shaggy carpeting, the chintzy mirrored 1970s "executive looking" elevators. All we're really missing is some "bowm chicka bowm bowm" music and a hairy middle-aged man with a handlebar mustache and his woman with a bad bottle-blonde perm and whore red nails and lipstick. I can deal with that. It gives the place character.

What I can't deal with is getting stuck on the fucking elevator. Three weeks into working there, I get stuck. I work on the fifth floor. I get in one morning with my tall Starbucks drink. As I reach the fifth floor, it immediately goes back down, and repeats about 5 more times before I start to panic. It's the ride from Hell. I push the stop button, and it gets stuck. I call the operator.  I am telling them I am a little scared because the elevator sometimes moves without opening and I am I am a little claustrophobic. They told me that the elevator guy was on his way, but to just sit there, because I am not going anywhere. No shit Sherlock ! You know how I know that ? The doors are closed and I can't get out !

I got out 30 minutes later, but I was late for work, and while I was waiting to get out, I couldn't even enjoy my morning coffee because I didn't want to have the urge to go to the bathroom. I didn't know when I was gonna get out at the time.

What else......

Ah yes, our bathrooms are skankalicious. I can't believe they charge for tampons, ten cents a pop. Building management tampons/ pads are horrible. It's like shoving cardboard up your snatch. But if you decide to opt for maxi pads instead, it's like ripping out the stuffing from a cheap comfortor and shoving it in your panties. I can't believe they charge for that. Our office pays the lease AND building management gave out free coffee and biscottis to show their appreciation to tenants. Free products for Aunt Flo's visit should be a no-brainer.

Anywhooters, like I was saying about the tampon machine, apparently someone has been raiding the tampon machine. It takes dimes. I recently found a sign affixed to the machine stating that the machine never carries more than 50cents at one time because it is emptied daily. I understand people trying to break into a soda machine, or going after a taxi driver, but a tampon machine when the product quality is so poor, that they chafe your lady bits ? First off, you're not gonna hit it big when you raid the tampon machine, and another thing, no one really buys that shit, so what are you gonna get, $2 ?

Anywhosies, I better log off now, but don't you think for a second that I am done ranting. I have plenty more to say, just not now.

Ciao for now !


Riot Kitty said...

Try the Diva Cup (google it.) Much more comfortable than cotton up the snatch, let me tell you! And I sympathize...I got stuck in an elevator for about 20 minutes once, and I'm kinda claustrophobic. Not fun.

mac said...

I can't believe ladies are unprepared for these things. Isn't it somewhat regular?
...Oh come on, I'm kidding here. I have no clue what you lasses go through.

Of course, being a man stuck on the elevator is easier as well. I'd just drink the coffee (IF I actually liked coffee), then go to the corner, turn my back, and use the cup again... or maybe I'd just do the pee-pee dance for 20 minutes ;-)

LL Cool Joe said...

Getting stuck in an elevator is one of my worst nightmares. I did it once actually, it was my fault, I stopped the thing to get erm jiggy with someone, and the damn lift wouldn't start again. Yeah I know that was my punishment from God, but it was my partner not some random stranger. Still, not my best move ever. ;)

Anonymous said...

I didn't have to know about the tampons even though I would buy them for you if I were at the grocery store. xo

Shadowdancer said...

Just out of curiousity... what freebies do you feel guys should get in their bathrooms?