Depression

What's up my little tulips ?

Happy Weekend :)

So what is new ? This time of year is the worst here in South Florida. If you hate the words, "damp" and "moist", you'll hate summers here. It is hotter than the She-Devil's boob sweat. There are a lot of pluses of living here, but summer is not one of them. This heat causes people to lose their damn minds, and not only a the people incompetent on the road, but road rage is real. Back in CA, people do flip eachother off on the roads. Here in South Florida, I really almost never see it, people not only .have tinted windows, making it harder to see the offender, but a lot of people pack heat down here 

As you know, I battle depression, and though I take medication, I still have days where I want to hibernate into a hole and shut the world out, like yesterday, for example. Getting up in the mornings is truly a battle, and cleaning up my clutter seems like an unbearable task.

Anyone that has depression knows really well how much of an uphill battle it is. Not only is the medical field lacking in services, but it is still taboo to the public, even though there has been improvement lately. There is still a long way to go.

Growing up in a cult, based on religion, spirituality with an extra serving of narcissism, mental conditions simply did not exist. Instead, they were "energy problems". No way we could be struggling with depression, we simply weren't meditating enough or chanting or thinking about our supreme Grand Mistress enough. If we simply were more dedicated to her teachings, I would feel better.

It didn't even begin to cross my mind that I had depression until I moved away to college. In college, one day my body completely shut down and I couldn't even eat food or sleep properly, I would throw up everything I ate, and I couldn't sleep. I also wanted to cry all the time. I didn't have a mental breakdown where I lost my shit on people or yelled at them. I didn't shave my head in public or act irrationally, I was still very polite and articulate, but I think most of the public equates mental illness with batshit crazy antics. I know I did until I understood my condition better.

Anyway, I went to the student counselor and they let me get a medical drop and prescribed me medication. I had to see the school psychiatrist, and really disliked him. I just wanted some compassion, and zero shits were given. He wrote me a prescription I never used because I didn't believe I really had a medical condition. As far as I could see, some asshole hired by the school decided I had anxiety and depression by reading a book in front of me and sent me on my merry way.

I just went home for a week. I called Grand Mistress and told her I was suffering, and she let me stay with her for a week. Luckily she was kind to me, and she talked it out with me. Once in a blue moon she would let me stay with her during my darkest hours, but later down the road she would always lord that fact over my head and call me ungrateful when I didn't agree with something she said.

Living under her thumb was like a charming person punching you in the face, but also administering ice to your wound and telling you how much they want you to get better. So later down the road when you are better, they tell people that they were the only person there for you when no one else was. That she offered her place to me and fed me and look how I repaid her ! She was there for me when I was suicidal for crying out loud ! She would actually tell this to people.

But what she doesn't tell people, is that I was really never suicidal and didn't want to harm myself. She pretty much lied about that. She created an isolating environment while I was growing up, which fostered anxiety and depression. My family and friends would have offered me support, but my mother was devoted to caring for her fulltime and stopped raising me after I turned nine and my father was turned against me. My family was never really allowed to see me, as it was made very difficult. I was also not allowed to have friends in school. So yes, all of my resources were taken away, so when things got really bad to where I could barely function The Krazy Korean would talk to me on the phone or take me shopping or make me feel better. So when I felt better, she would tell everyone what she did. and everyone else would tell me how lucky and spoiled I am.

I left that environment when I was almost 26, and I didn't actually admit to having depression until I was 27 and seeing a psychiatrist for clearance for government position to carry a gun. In addition to all of the physical and health tests I had to go through, I also had to get mental health screening. That was a blessing for me because the psychiatrist was very compassionate and told me that my symptoms were normal for someone that lived in the environment he did. He counseled veterans from the Iraq war, and said my symptoms were very similar to those people, He warned that I would need treatment to live a happier and more successful life.

I accepted what he said, but I still didn't have the guts to seek out a therapist and psychiatrist to prescribe meds.

In fact, I didn't see a psychologist and psychiatrist for another 3 years.

And then when I took my first prescribed medication, I had horrible results, so I went off of that a year later after becoming a zombie, and went through two more years of life without medication and horrible symptoms of anxiety and depression.

Let's not forget that just when you think you have found the right therapist, things can happen to screw that up such as your health plan gets cancelled or,  you have a disagreement with your therapist.

My point is, that anyone who decides to open up about their mental illness battles has a long and upward battle to conquer, where sometimes things have to get way worse to get better, and when things do get better that the progress comes very slowly.

And it is all worth it, because the alternative is so much worse.

So next time you hear about someone you love who is in denial about their condition, please have compassion and understand that they truly may not see what you are seeing.

The next time someone you know is crying or just seems like a hot mess in general, please have compassion.

Also, on the flip side, I am more understanding of people that tell me to think happy thoughts or tell me how I should just get over this condition. As annoying as it can be, it is usually with good intentions, and I used to be one of those people until I had to deal with this myself. It's kinda funny how life works sometimes, doesn't it ?

I am a very sensitive person, and in my relationships I have always been told that I take things way too personally, and maybe I do. However, I am willing to own that because I also can understand pain and suffering and I am less likely to judge someone than I used to be growing up.

Anywhooters, that is all for now, Off to go try and clean my room and/or go shopping.

Besitos !

Bullshit

Hello Kittens !

Happy Titty Tuesday ! How are you ? Miss me ?

I am still dogsitting. Speaking of which, the dog stinks and I need to give him a bath. I really do. He is cute but I like giving baths as much as he likes receiving them. Mutual contempt, lol.

Anywho........

I usually don't like to talk about politics and things being reported in the media, because I really don't identify with any political party in particular. I take what I like from each party and leave what I don't like, and come up with my own party, where everyone is free to drink. Which means, I just keep my thoughts to myself and listen to the opinions of others.

Except today. Today I am just gonna come out and say that most of our news is total bullshit. I can't take it anymore. Not only is the media incredibly biased in both directions and full of advertisements, but I am so tired of what is being reported.

Today I saw three things in the media that I wish would just go away:

1) Donald Trump is running for president and this time he is serious. Isn't the government bought out enough ? I respect his success in business, but he has been portrayed as a total asshole on reality TV. Is this what the US has gotten to ? A reality TV star running our country ? Will he keep that merkin on his head at the inaugural ball ?

2) Caitlyn Jenner and the Kardashian clan. I am all for people becoming who they want to be if that will take away their pain. I was born a woman, and I love being a woman. I can't imagine what it must be like to feel trapped in my own body. For that reason, I support people that want to change who they are. It is their business and their life.

What is ridiculous is all the media and his upcoming TV show, and making his business our business. Actually calling Jenner a hero. No he is not. He is not a hero, and he is not a lifesaver. He is making a a lot of money and gaining a lot of accolades off of this, there are tons of rewards for him having breasts and wearing lipstick. I am also really sick of the Kardashian clan.

It is not hate if people don't want to see him as a woman or think it's ridiculous. People that think it's ridiculous are painted as villains. I personally don't mind his decision, but I don't like how the media kinda forces us to embrace his decisions.

3) Rachel Dolezal, who lied her way to President of her local NAACP chapter. I am tired of hearing about her too. She is kind of being painted as a hero too and labeled a "human rights activist", and it is total bullshit. She is actually making it on CNN. I can't believe this has turned into the media circus that it has become and people actually think she has done good when, she is a total fraudster. Not only did she lie about being black when she is white, but she sued Howard University (a black college for discriminating against her for being white) and reported hate crimes against her for being black (when in fact she fabricated those crimes).

And society is so blind to this sort of thing, because no one thinks that anyone would lie about difficult circumstances such as being a minority or having a difficult upbringing, or having a disease. I totally think there is a lot to be gained by faking a minority identity or suffering.

Growing up in a cult, the leader used her minority status as an Asian female to her advantage and lied her way to media opportunities. One of the lowest things she did was fake having cancer to manipulate us into slaving away and working for free for her for her benefit.

The public is so blind that this sort of thing happens, people see a sob story on TV and give money so freely without simple fact checking.

Okay, I am gonna go get ready for bed now. My bullshit bell has been ringing so loudly and I need a break.

Ciaosies.....

Food porn....

Bonjour my little macaroons......

I just bought my favorite ice cream...... Ben & Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. And zero fucks were given. I don't care about the other flavors they come out with, I always end up with the cookie dough, and I wish they would put in more cookie dough...

Speaking of which, I never bake cookies in my house on purpose. Not because I am lazy, because, well, I am.... but that's beside the point.

The real reason I don't whip up treats in my kitchen is because I have zero self control, and I almost barely ever end up baking cookies because I am too busy eating the dough. No joke, and then I wind up feeling, sick, bloated and hating myself. Almost 10 years ago I decided to sign up for a cake decorating class. It was fun, but I had to stop because I wound up eating most of my materials. I ate the raw cake batter and I couldn't help myself with the frosting I made either. We made our frosting out of Crisco and powdered sugar. I know that sounds nasty and seeing that Crisco should have been a deterrent, one would think. Apparently not. I loved decorating the cake with different colored frosting and then eating it. I felt like a child again in my mother's kitchen.

The last time I decided to treat myself to some chocolate chip cookie dough was about six months ago. I went to the store and bought the pre-made cookie dough because I wanted to make oreo-stuffed chocolate chip cookies. Instead of going through all that trouble, I just bought the raw pre-made chocolate chip cookie dough and ended up eating it while watching Netflix. It was very satisfying to be home alone, and have a Netflix and cookie-dough binge.

I haven't actually made cookie dough in almost a decade, because I don't even wait until the dough is made. I like to eat the ingredients as early as possible. As soon as I mixed the butter and sugar and eggs and vanilla together, I was licking the spoon and loved the buttery flavor and sugar granule texture, then I added the flour mix, and loved the floury texture, and that I could still taste each ingredient separately.

With all of that excitement, why would I ruin it by putting it in the oven ?

I re-read this, and it almost sounds like I am talking about porn....... Food porn. I used to be able to eat anything when I was in my twenties, and I really did. To this day, I am happy that I lived it up and used every opportunity I had to eat all the sugar and carbs I wanted and still have a nice figure. In my twenties, I worked at Red Lobster, and ate all the buttery biscuits, pasta and baked potatoes I could get my hands on. And I did.

And then when I was about 25, that opportunity was taken from me, and now there is just no way in hell I could ever keep up with my twenty-something self without being obese, and having major stomach issues. So sad, but so happy, I ate what I wanted when I could.

Anywhoresies, that is all for now. Time for me to go and sleep off this sugar rush.

Ciaosies !!

And Le Weekend Continues............

So what's going on my little buttercups ?

It's Sunday, and I just finished walking and feeding the dog. He is currently occupied with ripping all the stuffing out of his toy. I let him make a mess because I would rather he destroy a dog toy than other property. I also want to give him an outlet to express himself, because I am sure he misses his owner.

I am listening to Mozart. I am half Austrian. My mother was born and raised in Austria, and Austrians love their classical music and their sweets. Is it wrong that instead of humming the classical tunes that I want to meow them out ?

I also had my morning coffee and cereal. Instead of cream and sugar, I added almond milk and coconut oil to my brew, and it was good ! Don't get me wrong, I freaking love my sugar and love it when people brag about their dessert exploits on social media. It's just that I am not in my twenties any more, and sugar really throws a monkey wrench into life with depression.

I try to take supplements, and one of the supplements that has made me feel a little better is
Vitamin D. I can't explain it and we all have our different way of coping with illnesses, but this is my little hack, so maybe you can try it ?

Anywhore.....................

To continue on with my cult stories, I re-read my blog post from yesterday, and I found it entertaining, because ten years have passed, and I am now re-reading my experiences as a normal person. Sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.

What would you do if a woman told you to cut off your own penis ? Because this is what our KK (Krazy Korean) once asked three of her male students to do. One day she called three of her male students in, and wanted to discipline them, probably for having sexual thoughts or for thinking about other women.

KK is now in her seventies and looks it, but she was very beautiful in her younger years and obsessed with her image. She definitely used it to her advantage with the male students and was secretly jealous of her female students. More on that later, but she definitely used her looks to her advantage with the male students, and did NOT like it at all when they spoke about other women. She was very passive-aggressive in methods of displaying jealousy.

Anyway, she called the three men in and had them kneel down on their knees and face her with their heads down, with her right hand men in the room too. She basically told them that their cocks were coming between them and their master (meaning her) and that they don't deserve to be her students.

You ever hear the saying "You can't serve two masters" ? That is from the Bible, Matthew 6:24. She always loved to quote the Bible and use them to her advantage.

Anyway, back to the penis story............... She instructed them to pick up the steak knives placed next to them and "cut off their cocks". And the men actually had the blades against the skin, until she yelled STOPPP ! (Because she is not a complete idiot and doesn't want to get sued or go to jail or be blamed for running a crazy cult with actual undeniable proof).

So then she had her right-hand men take them to the toilets and shove their heads in the toilets. Because just when you think you got out of one punishment, she will shock you with a new one. I knew this first hand because she punished the children this way, but she was smart enough not to do it herself. She had the parents or other member do the dirty work.

I was give a lot of punishments as a child. There were four of us kids, and I was the only girl. I really got the harshest punishments. So did the boy my age because we were outspoken. We definitely deserved to be disciplined and I am all for strict discipline, but that boy and I were singled out.

I am sure you readers, especially the men, wonder how the hell a man would ever allow himself to even entertain a thought of cutting off his own penis ? But I can guarantee that if you can get a person in a certain frame of mind, you can really get them to believe anything and I do mean anything. How else can you explain educated individuals involved in cults ?

I will write more on this later, but there is a psychology to this madness that may seem counter-intuitive, but does make sense once you understand it more.

Caturday.........

Hello there kittens !!

So, what's up ? I am enjoying Le Weekend. I am still dogsitting Tico, a jack russell terrier mix. He is a lovely dog. I enjoy sleeping next to him, I find it therapeutic. He is playful and always wants me to throw his toys around.

The only real issue is that it's really hard to find him toys that last. He always chews the crap out of them and of course leaves the stuffing all over the floors. I got him a few cool toys from the dollar store, and of course those didn't last more than a couple of hours. So then I decided to step up my game and buy something made with more durable material, and that seemed to work better, although not really.

Another thing that I am happy about is that I got my favorite nail polish, Essie, on sale. Most women brag about Opi, but I don't like that brand, as it peels off my nails easier. Essie seems to be better quality with more popular color pastel shades, which are popular in South Florida. It barely goes on sale, so when I used my CVS extra bucks along with a coupon towards nail polish, I was happy when I only had to pay $9 instead of $19.  I also found another bottle in the clearance bin for $2. Yay !

While I am here, I want to talk about more cult stuff, especially since the Duggars are in the news. They are religious and conservative, and there were a lot of similarities in how I and other children in a religious, conservative environment are raised.

I was five years old when my parents joined their organization. I won't be naming any names because some family members are still there and have threatened to sue me for "libel" and "slander", which is one of the reasons I decided to work in the legal field, so I could at least know what is and isn't possible under the law, so I couldn't be scared off so easily. So I will also be using the magic word "allegedly" sprinkled throughout my writings.  Sprinkled randomly whenever I feel like it. Just because I feel like it. Allegedly.

So my parents joined this "alleged" cult. when I was five, although my father is no longer there, THANK GOD. I left when I was twenty-five. I will get more into the details of how and why later. Let's go to the interesting part first. We were raised in a very oppressed environment run by a Korean woman who controlled her minons with sexual restrictions. The biggest sin to her was oral sex. She stated over and over that oral sex is the biggest sin that we could commit. Just knowing that piece of information, imagine what growing up in her environment could be like.

If you dared to question her and call her out on her allegedly recockulous rules, she would state to your face that you are crazy and making it up, because she encourages sex in relationships and thinks it's beautiful, but behind your back, she has people watching you and reporting to her, and punishes you for acting out later.

And masturbation. Flogging the dolphin, spanking the monkey, beating the bishop.................... She used that to control her members too. As she got older, she got more restrictive in her rules. Before I left, there was a rule that we had to keep all doors in our rooms in our home open. And if we had to go to the bathroom, there was a two minute limit, because if we were in there longer, it would be assumed that we were busy masturbating, and Jack-off police would report this to Grand Mistress.

Well, that is all for now. I can only write my memories in snippets because I have twenty years of memories, and the truth is everytime I recall one detail, I feel that I need to give you a background, and explain, which leads me to other memories, and honestly, I just don't know where to even begin. So for now, it is easier to just start writing and cut myself off for the day so I don't over-analyze.

If you have any questions, do feel free to ask.

Ciaosies for now !

My Five...........

Well Good Evening My Little Moon Pies,

I am just gonna give five opinions, since I don't feel like writing in paragraphs..........

1) My favorite part of a cat is its whisker. A close second would be the markings on its chest area. My favorite part of a dog is its eyelashes, followed by its tail. Don't ask me why, I don't know why, it's just how I feel.

2) The weather here blows right now. Here in Florida we have no change of the seasons and we either have Tourist Season or Hurricane Season. June to September is not a pleasant time to live here. It's a furnace by the early morning. It's hotter than the devil's buttcrack, it rains a lot and there is always the possibility of evacuating. But it's not so bad, I would rather deal with this than the drought in California (which is the worst in its history) or earthquakes without warning, or the unaffordable housing.

But last year was worse, because it was my first summer and I didn't know what I was in for. Not only that, but I had to suffer flea bites the entire season. Not only that, but I was also not working at the time.

3) The traffic is worse. It's not the congestion that bothers me, because in CA it's actually worse. What bothers me is how dangerous the roads are here, Not only are the highways constructed in an unsafe manner, but when accidents happen, they are ugly. Back in California, it was a big deal if the accident involved more than two vehicles. Here, 3-4 is the norm. Today I saw a car flipped over during my lunch break. Upon driving home, there was a four car accident. Did I mention that drunk driving and texting are extremely common here ?

4) In trying to consume less sugar, I have stopped taking my coffee with sugar. I just drink it with milk. I really do miss my sweetened and chilled Starbucks Espressos, but I am feeling better without it, so we shall see how long my willpower lasts.

5) I can now identify lizard shit. We have so many lizards here, and I found a couple in my house. Eventually the little bastards realized I was friendly, brought more friends over and had themselves a party, they were fucking, multiplying and shitting in my living room. Eventually I picked a few up and threw them back outside, and they have gotten the hint that my home is not a party-zone.

Okay, off to go shopping.

Besitos !!

It's Monday *Le Sigh*

Hello My Little Marshmallows,

Miss me ? Please form a single file line and try to contain your excitement. Thank you.

Today is Monday, and Mondays tend to blow because I can never seem to get proper sleep the night before. My mind knows I have to wake up early the next morning, and it won't let me sleep. Instead, my mind tends to either feed me really brilliant ideas or bring back memories of some of the stupid mistakes I've made over the years.

Today I was late for work, not because I didn't plan properly. I actually left early. I was late because usually there is no traffic, and there was a four-car mess this morning. (Which is actually tame by Florida standards). I also forgot my phone. Lovely, right ?

What else ? I went to the Dollar Store yesterday. Usually I am not a fan of the Dollar Store, because items like food, cleaners and batteries are really substandard. Plus, Most cleaners and hygiene products of better quality can be found cheaper at Walmart and/or the drugstore with a coupon. And did I mention that I am not a fan of the crowds there ?

But, yesterday I found E.L.F eyeliner for a buck (ELF makeup is decent) as well as envelopes and dog toys !

Once in a while I will allow myself to purchase expensive makeup such as Chanel foundation or Urban Decay, but I like to leave the impulse buys to cheap stores like Big Lots and the clearance rack at drugstores, or even the dollar store, so I don't go bankrupt. But for things like primer, and foundation, I believe in spending more money as it sits on my face all day.

Enough babbling for now, tootles !