Hey Pretty Girl, I have a pressy for you under my towel...............

Hello Kittens !

So above is another prize in my area on the prowl for some lady meat. Just look at him. Ready to jump your bones at the drop of a towel.

I mean, he is just being honest with his pictures. When it's your birthday, he will take you out for a special dinner at the Hometown Buffet. It's all you can eat, baby, and plus the staff will sing to you ! What more could you want ? Then when he takes you home, he will expect you to put out, because after all he treated you to dinner and got the staff to sing to you..............

Wouldn't you like to hear what he has to say in his profile ?

I am fun loving, sensitive, honest and understanding. I take the time to really listen and put myself in the other person place. I love all types of music, dancing, I also like to cook, Love Rachael Ray. I am adventurous and I like the outdoors, especially camping, fishing, hiking and romantic walks on moon lit nights. I like scary movies, popcorn and cuddling. I am just looking for some one nice, understanding and that enjoys the same. I am an old fashioned romantic type of guy who still believes in being a gentleman.

Any man that says in his profile that he is sensitive, honest, and understanding, and a good listener, and likes long walks while posing with his shirt off is absolutely full of shit.


That is all for now, kitties..................

Cosmo says you're fat ? I ain't down with that !

Hi My Lovelies,

I hope that you had a fabulous weekend. I was thinking about going to a local art fair to eat, drink and be merry. Last year I went to a fair here where I grew up and bought some fashionable Indian (From India) bracelets and fashions for real cheap. I also ate a lot of food and watched the bellydancers. It was funny because they were doing a routine that I knew the moves to.

But instead I slept in instead and watched TV this weekend. I will try to go to another fair before the summer ends. I already went to the Greek Festival with my friend in June.

While I was chilling out this weekend, I was reading my old guilty pleasure, Cosmopolitan. I haven't been a subscriber for about 5 years now since I was in college. But once in a while I will indulge a little while I am at the hairdresser's or shopping.

I remember why I stopped subscribing................ they pretty much give you the same advice they've been giving for years.

As I was reading this past issue there are a couple of things that I would like to point out.........

1.) Why so many ads for mascara ? To me, most mascaras are pretty much the same. But no, it seems like every company out there has the magic mascara. I will by a cheap mascara from Cover girl and it works just fine as long as you take a Qtip and wipe off the excess makeup so it doesn't get under your eyes. If I am going to shell out dough, I will do it on foundation. I buy Estee Lauder foundation, which is expensive, but it's my complexion we're talking about so I will shell out money for that. Plus, I tend to buy it when free gifts are involved, so everyone wins.

Now they are advertising mascaras with vibrating wands. Seriously, WTF ?????

If I am putting on makeup, I am not putting anything that vibrates near my eyes. Besides, a vibrating wand has a different connotation if you ask me.

2.) Sexual positions. Cosmopolitan claims to have the Holy Grail when it comes to sexual positions and what your man likes best.

Wanna know what I learned ? Men are different. You wanna know what he likes ? Ask him ! Because they will tell you.

I hear the same thing on blogs and TV " I'm a guy, I'm not that picky." Or "us guys are easy, just show up in a thong with a beer" among other cliche lines that involve a word that rhymes with slow mob.

But it really doesn't work that way, men have their preferences too. Maybe he's easy going the first time you get together, but as he gets used to you, then his preferences start kicking in. What one guy claims is the key to his heart or the heart in his pants, does not work on the next guy. No matter what they say in Cosmo or on TV or by some man on his man blog.

Besides, Cosmo just recycles sexual positions. I can't tell you how many times I've seen the following key words in Cosmo editions: Reverse cow-girl, ice cubes, shower, or against the wall.

What's funny is that in the pictures of the models in the shower, the woman's hair is not wet, even though her body is, her makeup is done, and she's wearing jewelry. Wow, seems like I have a lot of work to do in the shower, lol.

And yet I still find myself reading the magazine from time to time.

And before I leave, I am reading my horoscope. As a Sagittarius, the stars are advising me to let go of my "dream guy" expectations this month. Hahaha. That is because an eccentric but boyfriend-worthy man will appear this month in a suprising place.

Basically, I don't have a happening social life right now. I spend almost all my time at work, and at home practicing my dance moves for upcoming performances. So the surprising place he would be appearing would be in my closet. That would really shock me.

Anywho, my loves, it is time for me to go and do something productive.

Marry, F*ck, Kill

Hi Kittens,

Don't you ever wonder what your bf rambles on about with his bros after he gives you a little kiss and you turn your back ?

Anyway, it is the return of the Office Douche ! He really cracks me up.

Don't be 'dickulous !

Like I mentioned earlier, I am a fan of all their other stuff under the Name Reckless Tortuga on YouTube.

I took offense to your Comment, Joe

Hello All,

I would like to address a comment someone made in my journal yesterday. I was told that I must've made up yesterday's "manslation" because no man would really ever write such a thing. To be fair, Joe also said that he's been reading for a few weeks and thought that this entry was funny. So I don't know if he was in disbelief or really did think that I would lie. I did take offense because I do not lie, but I can't be too mad, as I knew that this issue would come up sometime and someone somewhere would question me, plus most readers don't know me personally. People do have a right to ask you where you get your materials.

Either way, I will address this right here, because I do NOT cheat here on my blog or make up ads to make up my own translations to. Or for anything for that matter. Basically, if something is not my original writing or video, I will list the source and tell you where I got it from. I do NOT believe in ripping off stuff from someone else.


The ad was written yesterday by a man in San Francisco. To see the ad for yourself, go to Craigslist, copy the title, and paste it into the "search" button in the personals section in the SF Bay Area and you will get a copy of the ad verbatim without my translation. He is 43 and lives in the Nob Hill area in San Francisco, as that part in the title of the ad didn't get copied in my "manslation" yesterday. The ads are good for 7 days if he doesn't remove it first, and the ad was written yesterday. Also, when you post on Craigslist, your posting is given an anonymous e-mail to respond to, which gets forwarded to your actual e-mail address, so people can write you without knowing your actual e-mail. It's when that person responds to you, that you see his actual address.

Also, if you go back to my entry yesterday, you will see a time stamp and e-mail provided from Craigslist that I copied and pasted as proof. I include that piece of information as proof that this is real. Also, I include that e-mail address in case someone wants to write the guy.

If I get my ads from anywhere else than Craigslist, I will usually tell you where I got it from, such as Yahoo Personals or Plenty Of Fish. Once in while I won't cite my source, but if you have any questions you can e-mail me and I will tell you where I got the ad.

I also wrote the guy for a laugh and have his actual e-mail address and got a response. If you still don't believe me, ask me, I will give you his real e-mail address, then you can hit him up for a date and see what he says, and it won't be me who stops by at your doorstep offering to have your baby.

Anyway, here is the e-mail I sent him yesterday. In the title box, I wrote "Wow"

For the body of the e-mail, I wrote:

Are you always this nosey ? Shouldn't you finesse this information out of women with dinner and drinks first ?

Just a thought.

Here was his response:

Women generally come up with lists like this.

They don't mind being so direct.

Are you interested in dinner and drinks and sharing everything?

ST

Those are his initials, as he did not provide me his actual name. I was shocked out of my mind that he actually thought that women don't mind the direct approach like this. And while a few women do write lists, it's nothing like he makes it out to be.

He actually asked me to dinner and drinks. I did not respond. I would like to tell him that I am really a man and therefore can't get pregnant, and am of no use to him. But I really don't want to respond any further as I am not interested in him.

So there you have it, my loves.

If you have any other questions please feel free to post a comment or e-mail me. Anything we discuss via e-mail will not be posted on my blog to see, of course unless you allow me to. But the reason I called out Joe was because he posted a comment publicly, and he questioned my honesty. When that is questioned, jokingly or not, I will address it because I do take that stuff seriously.

Oh, and Joe, thank you for reading my blog, and welcome.

Nosey Douchebag wants to get you pregnant

Hi Kittens ! Meow !

Like I mentioned in a posting below, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. This man here is appealing to womens' ticking biological clocks. But he is doing that based off bad stereotypes and he is doing such a bad job.

Anywhore, I leave you with the following. As usual, my "manslations" are in bold.

TITLE: Is your biological clock ticking?


Reply to: pers-2qmps-1299784176@craigslist.org
Date: 2009-07-31, 8:31PM

If you are 33-37, you are at the right age to start thinking about a baby Apparently I am an expert in impregnating women. If we date, we could date for a year before we get married. Then, we could get you pregnant another year after our honeymoon. I got it all planned out without your input baby, so lets do this.
Your standards were probably pretty high throughout your twenties and early thirties. They are still high I secretly fault women for having standards since I've been rejected my whole life, but you realize that a man who can make a commitment to you is actually the most important criteria – not just his education, finances or genetics. Basically, you are still single, so I am hoping that you will settle for any man that will take you, like me for example.
Commitment means that I know who you really are. You need to come clean and open up with me. I want to know the following:
1. What do you look like? Send me a pic You don't get to know what I look like until I can judge you first. I got teased a lot in high school so it's payback time.
2. Is your mother kind to you and not overly judgmental? I judge women based on their mothers. And I want you to baby me. Don't ask me about my mother, as I have mother issues.
3. Do you have a faith in God? I base my views of women from the Old Testament.
4. Have you ever had an abortion? WOW ! WHAT A COCKNOZZLE* ! Oh no he didn't.......
5. Are you on any kind of psychotropic drugs? I'm bipolar and don't want to mix my drugs up with yours.
6. Are you financially-responsible?
7. Do you have any problems with drugs, alcohol or tobacco?
8. Do you like to read and talk about intellectually-stimulating topics?
9. What kind of music do you like?
10. How often would you want to have sex once we get married?
11. Do you like to exercise? NO FATTIES !
12. Do you have any kind of an eating disorder?
13. Do you love yourself? You have to love yourself since I won't love you
14. What is your most important accomplishment? Basically, babe, since I have some money now and have been rejected so much by women, I am treating this like an audition. So talk about why I should want you.
15. Do you like children? Really? You better like children, since I will be expecting you to care for the children, as I think that throwing money your direction is sufficient enough.
16. What do you do for a living?
17. What is your edueational level? I can't even spell education.
18. What is your IQ?
19. Are you good at math?
20. Do you like poetry? I will recite poetry while we're dating in effort to get into your pants.
If you are serious, then I want to know much more about you. It is my right to ask you douchebag questions, since I have some money.
You probably want to know more about me. I am a white man and somewhat superior, of average height don't ask me about my penis size as I hope my wallet will compensate for that, but I have a beautiful man-face and kind eyes hahahahahahaha. I am smart and empathetic after I verbally demean you I will appologize as to keep the cycle going. I can offer you energy and an excellent source of income. I own property, have retirement savings and am a partner in a firm that is successful despite the economy. I am also on the board of a university and a civic association. Basically babe, it is my right to be a douchenozzle because I have some money and a job.
In marriage, I want a lover for life. We should have fun making and raising babies. I bone you, you raise them. You should be able to handle to rough-patches and be able to keep a sense of humor. That is because I am a difficult man, and you will really need faith in God and a sense of humor to stay married to me.
I will be a good husband I will throw money in your direction and expect you to be greatful, so email me if you are serious about this.

*Cocknozzle: According to Urban Dictionary, this is the useless piece of skin that is cut of the penis in a circumcision.