Penises and Vaginas................

What's Up Kiddies ?

Miss me ?

So I wanted to talk about genitalia. Well, not directly.

First of all, this one's for the ladies. Don't you hate it when you get a camel toe ? I know I do. I always make sure I got my shit together before I leave the house, namely that I am not outlining my lady bits for the world to see. And I am very careful. I always make sure I am covered and that I wear underpants. I don't understand how women can go commando in short dresses, and then act all offended when they fall and get complimentary AC up their bits, or they get all offended when they see someone looking. You never know when you will fall, end up ass up, or when someone has a camera under the table. But that is fodder for another post.

But what really burns my biscuits is when I get a forced cameltoe with my workout pants. So Victoria's Secret was having a huge sale on their yoga pants. It's awesome, cuz it makes my big ass look almost as shapely as Kim Kardashian's. So I bought them and got them tailored because I am short.

Then when I put them on at the gym, I noticed that there is a seam right in the middle that goes up the crotch. As if to say to the world "Hey, here is my vag, and in case you still can't tell where it is, this seam will draw the line for you that goes all the way up so you can trace it from my vag to my stomach in case you are really confused !" It's like a connect-the-dots book for men.

Anyway, so the workout pants make my ass look fabulous and highlights the fact that after a month of stairclimbing my thighs no longer rub together when I walk, and so I wear them. I bought a long, tight  tanktop to cover half my ass and vag. Good enough for now.

Let's talk about penises...................

Well, not really talk. Less talk, more showing..............

My gosh, I wish I could pull this off at some of our political debates. The candidates could get slapped across the head with a flying dong each time they lied or said something really stupid.

No wonder most people don't take a huge interest in politics in this country !

Looong Post Including Book Review.......... I gots lots to say !

Hello There My Little Puppies !


How are you ?


Thanks for your kinds comments on my last post. I was asked to post pics of the retro jewelry my grandmother gave me, and I will once I get off my lazy ass to take pics. I own some special pieces of jewelry from both sides of the family. I am not a jewelry person. I have very small hands and thin wrists and nothing fits. Marilyn Monroe has got it twisted. Diamonds are not a girl's best friend. I could care less about them. If I found them on the street (like that is ever gonna happen) I would sell them immediately to fund a vacation. I am happier in costume jewelry so I don't lose my mind if it gets lost or I get mugged or robbed. It only takes one time of getting assaulted in a public parking lot in broad daylight to rethink what I wear out in public. And I was carrying a cheaply made Coach bag. (I thought it was real, but those bitches ripped it when they yanked it from me.)


I will care about jewelry is when I get an engagement ring followed by a wedding ring and THAT better not be fake. The other time I care is when I inherit jewelry from family members or receive them as gifts from family. The pieces I own are a special part of my family history, mainly coming from happy times in my family members' lives such as gifts of true love, vacation, custom jewelry made by a friend, or a purchase for a party.


So I was going to write more to follow my last post on my depression, but you know what ? It's not going away anytime soon so I will save it for another day because I would rather blog about a book I read so I don't forget.

It is called The Amazing Adventures of A Nobody by Leon Logothetis. Basically, this guy from England leaves behind his corporate job and comfortable yet disconnected life to travel from New York to Hollywood to touch the Hollywood sign.  He planned to travel with only five dollars a day and without a car or phone or anything else other than his backpack. To do this he had to depend on the kindness of strangers in a world where we are taught at a young age not to talk to strangers. He had his producer with him, and other staff members staying in hotels while he was doing this. He could have at anytime decided to bow out when things got hard and go back to his comfortable life. But he did stick it out 99%. And I give him credit for that. One can argue that he stuck it out 100%, but I disagree. I wasn't completely satisfied with the ending. And I don't want to spoil it for you in case you are interested. I think he has a TV series based on his experiences.


I looked up the reviews on Amazon. Basically all good reviews, people were "inspired". It was an interesting book, but I wasn't as inspired as everyone else. In fact, part of him annoyed the shit out of me. I understand being bored with life and wanting to travel the world. I have that feeling nagging at me all the time and I still feel like I haven't lived and traveled enough. I can sympathize with that and I admire him for acting on it. Many people don't and regret it. 


His "project" was to rely on the kindness of strangers to get from New York to California with $5 a day, no phone, car or credit cards. I did enjoy the book overall and I learned a lot as well. I enjoyed reading about his adventures, because when you are traveling down the path "less traveled" you have to be a little crazy, and I am as well. But I was still annoyed with him.


For example, while he was traveling he came across as mooching and I freaking hate mooching and people that mooch off me. And just because he really has money in real life doesn't make it anymore acceptable than when a homeless person mooches. It's like he thinks he is better and that he can prey on the kindness of others in the name of a project. Thank God he didn't ask for money or take it when people offered. I really would have gone mad.

When Leon was traveling he would get to his destinations by some of the following methods by: hitchhiking, asking for assistance at truck stops, asking for free rooms at hotels, free meals at restaurants. While he was doing this, he would preface his request by saying some of the following:


- "I have a story. Would you like to hear a story ?"


- " I am doing a project on traveling and the kindness of strangers. How would you like to do a good deed for today? You have an opportunity to do something kind for me. "

-When people would sometimes ask him why they should help him he would sometimes respond that they would get good karma from the deed.

I enjoyed some of the book because people did go out of their way to help him. It wasn't always easy, but he did get free places to stay, free food, free rides. It goes to show that people are nice and charitable in a hard world.

I consider myself to be a nice person, and I believe in paying it forward, as well as helping people out when I am in the position to do so. But I will only do it when I really believe the person needs it or is in trouble. Not because of some fucking project. I would be out of my mind to pick up hitchhikers, let strangers spend the night at my house or just hang out with them. Especially when they feed me bullshit lines mentioned above. You never know who you are dealing with.

Above all whenever anyone asks me if I want to hear their story and that they've got a story to tell, I am very suspicious. It's one thing when it comes from a classmate or someone I will be around for a while. It's completely different when it comes from a stranger. When strangers are trying to tell you all about them, it's usually because they have an agenda. They want something from you whether it's assistance, your money, your body or your admiration. And this guy wanted help in traveling, getting his bus tickets paid for, getting a place to stay.

And another thing..................

I understand that he was bored with his life and needed some diversion. But traveling with no money and mooching off others ? Really ? It pisses me off that he had a nice place in England, a job and a decent life in England and he did not appreciate it. He acted like it was a drag. Never did he express being grateful for having that and the means to travel and mooch off others. Why couldn't he appreciate his position in life ? Irritating.

In my life I have busted my ass to get where I am. I am a legal secretary. It may not seem like a huge feat. But I am over thirty, and took for-fucking-ever to get where I am, just to have a job with health benefits that I am incredibly grateful for. I realize that it could be taken from me at any moment, and I am grateful for having what I do. It took me going to school for my bachelors, my AA degree, busting my ass in a couple of free volunteer jobs, and working in retail for about 10 years before I got an office job. And I earned it. I worked hard and met the right people, none of it was handed to me. 

And this guy doesn't appreciate the fact that he doesn't have to wait tables, clean bathrooms, rent cars or get shat on by the general public like many others in the real world? Makes my teeth itch when people aren't grateful.

I was definitely most irritated when he mouthed off to a police officer. When he was cited for jay-walking he mouthed off to the cop who wrote him a ticket and asked him why he couldn't be focusing on the real criminals.

I lived in Barcelona for a year on my own with barely any help and I managed to do that in a country with a different language, and I still did not mooch off anyone. I met a lot of kind people. I also did not mouth off to officers, and when men were willing to help me out with food or a place to stay, I had to be very careful because nothing in life is ever really free.

When I was on vacation in Amsterdam, I was stranded for a day. I was completely lost. My friend was supposed to meet me at the airport, but didn't realize that he would really be in a day later than me. I trusted him to make all of the plans so I had no idea where I was staying or what to do.

I was lucky that I met a kind person at the hostel I was at to calm me down and get to the proper hostel. He stayed with me, calmed me down, hugged me and told me I would be okay, and looked out for me so that I was okay. But I really needed it. I wasn't out there looking for kindness, and telling random people my story so they would help me further my trip. 

Some other things to consider:

-He is a guy with a large build, there is less of a risk of getting robbed or fucked with. 

- When I needed assistance abroad, I really needed it. There was no team staying at a nearby hotel. I did not have a place to stay back at home, nor did I have any money. In Barcelona, there were times I did not know where I would stay the next month, sometimes I didn't know if I would have enough money to last for food, or a place to stay. And I ended up getting more money by getting a job under the table, something he never did. He never worked. Who is he fooling ? Yeah, I know he wanted a little adventure, but it does really change things when you have a stash of cash and a nice home back in your country. 

- There were times he put himself in dangerous positions and got confronted by questionable characters in rough neighborhoods. He didn't have to stick his neck out there like that. He could have made better choices and he is lucky he didn't get shot. Things don't always work out like that. People do get hurt.

- He traveled in a country that spoke the same language he did. C'mon now if you are bored with your cushy lifestyle and want adventure, go live in a non-english speaking country. See how far asking for help will get you and good luck explaining the concept of karma. 

So yeah, good book, it was interesting to see how it played out and how people reacted to him. I think I will stick to relying on myself when traveling. I would rather fund my own travels, meet people to get to know them and their cultures without asking for anything in return, and I would rather appreciate my office job and a place to stay. 

Okay, Imma step off the soap box and go eat and watch trash TV. I love weekends where I am not required to leave the house or answer to anybody.

Bye Bye 2011 !

Hello Kitty Cats :)

So another year has passed us by. Say hello to 2012 !

I hope you had a nice Xmas ! I saw my family. I had a wonderful dinner with my grandparents. Some of the foods I indulged in were: Spaghetti, cheesy garlic bread, prime rib, vegetables, chocolate silk pie with an oreo cookie crust. My grandparents were cute and in love as always. My grandpa is such a doting gentleman to my grandmother, and it is so precious to see, and I always enjoy reading the love notes he leaves her.

My grandmother told me stories about the good old days, and she showed me some of her jewelry collection. I don't really like jewelry that much, and don't really wear anything unless it's given to me. My grandma gave me some cool retro jewelry. She gave me costume earrings from the 1950s. Not with the clips, but the ones that you have to tighten the post on your earlobe. I also got a necklace her friend made for her, and her prized bracelet that she bought 60 years ago in Italy. Since we both have very tiny wrists, it was a perfect match. I am happy that I will be able to keep this jewelry in the family.

I just had my blogiversary on December 29th. I've been blogging for 8 years now. I can't believe how fast time flies.

This year was good to me (assuming that tonite is uneventful). I was able to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family and I had my health. That is always important, you can't replace family memories or pay for health. I also visited family in Austria over the summer as well as spending time with my friend in the Netherlands. So in a nutshell here is what happened to me in 2011........

-- Moved
-- Got a new job
-- Quit my part time security job
-- Took a vacation

I had hurdles, the biggest being my fight with depression. I decided in January that I would take medication. It took a lot to come to that, since I've battled it out for ten years without meds, but I just decided that it was too much to bear and I got on medication. I really had to swallow my pride and admit that I need help. But unless people suffer from the same thing, they really have no idea what it's like, that it's not a passing phase, and that I can't just get over it.

It's not something I like to admit to having, but anxiety and depression run in the family so I know that it's not all me, and that I am in good company. If I could have things my way, I would never leave the house. I could stay holed up in here forever. I could die alone and not really bat an eyelash. Yeah, when I think about future plans,I wonder if I will ever end up getting married or at least being in a relationship, but on a day-to-day basis I could go home to an empty house every day and not think twice. I could step out of the house with no make-up and shabby clothes and not give a shit. It's a far cry from when I was in my early twenties and had to have my hair and makeup done before leaving the house.

The hardest part of this all for me is knowing I have a lot to be grateful for and having lots of opportunities to be happy, but not being able to feel the full effect of the happiness I should be feeling. I am grateful for what I have, I just wish I could feel true happiness along with it. Sometimes I do, but not as often as I like. For me, a day where I just feel normal is a success. When those days come, I cherish them.

Before I was on medication, my emotions were all over the place. Imagine you are sitting at a red light, and see a car behind you. You know it's gonna hit you, and that you can't go anywhere and just have to sit there and take it. How you'd feel for those seconds before getting hit, was how I was feeling all day, every day. When I would talk to men, I had the urge to hide, I would avoid eye-contact, I would just put out the "don't talk to me" vibes, but then wonder why I was so alone all the time.

The medication has taken the edge off, but it does make you a little numb. I am not feeling the extreme highs and lows right now. But that's okay. I would rather be numb right now than to take a risk and feel anxious all the time like I was feeling. Sometimes I think we are all just a step or two away from going crazy.

When I see shows like Intervention or Hoarders or I see homeless people on the street, while other people are talking about how crazy they are or how they could never end up that way, I think that we are always a step or two away from losing our shit and acting out.

Battling my feelings like this has really humbled be and made me less judgemental and more compassionate to others. It has definitely knocked me down a few notches and made me realize that I don't have all the answers, and that I feel more compassion for people when they lose it. That they can be down and get back up again, and that nothing in life is permanent.

So yeah, that's all for now. Please feel free to leave me comments or e-mail me if you have any questions or want to talk or commiserate.

Have a Happy 2012 and count your blessings :)

Why Is It Wednesday........but on a Sunday

What's Up Kitty Cats ?

I've just come up with a new theme......... Why Is It Wednesday. But since I will be too worn out to post this on Wed, I will just post it today, Sunday.

So yeah...... Why Is It Wednesday........ Basically shit that happens that make you go ""Why? Just Why?

So now let's get down to business and help me answer this question...................

Why is it that when I am at work have my workspace corner all to myself and want to fart in peace, someone has to come over and insist that they fix my computer ? AT THAT MOMENT ? Why ????? It wasn't important when I first complained.

So yeah, I have a desk corner all to myself, and sometimes I am gassy. I know I am supposed to be a lady and all, but I come from a family that farts, especially in the mornings. I laugh at other peoples' farts too. Especially if the offenders are family members or are old. Bonus if they are both. I know, I am going to Hell.

So I get to work, I don't see anyone in the office and I just had to let a few rip, and since I was early, I just let it out. I'm not gonna lie. SBDs all the way. Don't know what that means ? Google it.

Anyway, the IT guy comes by my office. He is usually not there that early, and he wants to make sure my comp is updated. I was trying to talk to him while I was sitting at my desk so he wouldn't come closer. I even put scented lotion on my hands and fanned my face to hope the lotion scent would spread. But he said it would just take a minute. Since I didn't want to say "Hey man, I just farted, I am waiting for it all to dissolve in thin air, could you please come back"? I just told him to help himself and to take his time and I ran to the kitchen to hide. I couldn't look at him for the rest of the day.

This wasn't the first time something like this would happen. When I was working at Staples and stocked office supplies during Back to School Week, people all of a sudden decided that they just had to ask me about pencils right when I needed to let the honk loose. I mean, this woman came up to me, I answered her question, walked away to fart and she ran right back and had a bunch of questions, following me.

You know when you read a cereal box, it sometimes says on the label that sometimes the contents settle during a freight shipment.

Well, for eight hours or so, my "contents" settle and when I wake up, it's time for some of it to be let out, aka letting the ducks out.

Before you think I am just plain nasty, I make sure that I am all by myself when I do this. Unless I am traveling with my brother, then it's fair game. For the both of us. I've been scolded on how I will never find a man, blah blah blah...... but I don't fart on dates, or in the company of men I am going out with for that matter.

Anyway, that is all for now my little furballs..............

Besitos !!!

Ghettofabulousness !

What's Up My Little Rosebuds ?

I am gonna make this short and sweet. As you know, I got a new job a couple of months ago. I work in a lawfirm in a nice area, pretty much next to nice neighborhoods. Our office looks kinda retro in a 1970s porno film kinda way. You've got the blue worn down shaggy carpeting, the chintzy mirrored 1970s "executive looking" elevators. All we're really missing is some "bowm chicka bowm bowm" music and a hairy middle-aged man with a handlebar mustache and his woman with a bad bottle-blonde perm and whore red nails and lipstick. I can deal with that. It gives the place character.

What I can't deal with is getting stuck on the fucking elevator. Three weeks into working there, I get stuck. I work on the fifth floor. I get in one morning with my tall Starbucks drink. As I reach the fifth floor, it immediately goes back down, and repeats about 5 more times before I start to panic. It's the ride from Hell. I push the stop button, and it gets stuck. I call the operator.  I am telling them I am a little scared because the elevator sometimes moves without opening and I am I am a little claustrophobic. They told me that the elevator guy was on his way, but to just sit there, because I am not going anywhere. No shit Sherlock ! You know how I know that ? The doors are closed and I can't get out !

I got out 30 minutes later, but I was late for work, and while I was waiting to get out, I couldn't even enjoy my morning coffee because I didn't want to have the urge to go to the bathroom. I didn't know when I was gonna get out at the time.

What else......

Ah yes, our bathrooms are skankalicious. I can't believe they charge for tampons, ten cents a pop. Building management tampons/ pads are horrible. It's like shoving cardboard up your snatch. But if you decide to opt for maxi pads instead, it's like ripping out the stuffing from a cheap comfortor and shoving it in your panties. I can't believe they charge for that. Our office pays the lease AND building management gave out free coffee and biscottis to show their appreciation to tenants. Free products for Aunt Flo's visit should be a no-brainer.

Anywhooters, like I was saying about the tampon machine, apparently someone has been raiding the tampon machine. It takes dimes. I recently found a sign affixed to the machine stating that the machine never carries more than 50cents at one time because it is emptied daily. I understand people trying to break into a soda machine, or going after a taxi driver, but a tampon machine when the product quality is so poor, that they chafe your lady bits ? First off, you're not gonna hit it big when you raid the tampon machine, and another thing, no one really buys that shit, so what are you gonna get, $2 ?

Anywhosies, I better log off now, but don't you think for a second that I am done ranting. I have plenty more to say, just not now.

Ciao for now !