Saturday, May 23, 2015

Instant Life Changing Experiences


Hello My Little Sunrises,

As a person who has a lovely combination of anxiety and depression and possible PTSD, I am always looking for ways to overcome this and feel better. I am going through this without medication so some days are really rough.

My conditions I believe are a combination of my childhood, some genetics, and a large portion of my current state of life. I think I suffer mainly because I have hopes and dreams and expectations for myself that I have not fulfilled. That last part is in my control so there is hope for me. I can change that and have been searching for answers for years. One example is that I wanted to travel the world and become an EU citizen so I could be closer to my family over there. I did travel for a year in Spain, but most of my plans went so horribly wrong, and everything I tried came to a dead end. Every.Time. And all of my plans to be an EU resident bombed in my face. I had all of the qualifications, but because I did not simply register with the American Embassy, I couldn't prove that I was there long enough to qualify. I lost my job shortly thereafter and had to come back home. I have been trying to go back, but for some reason or other it has not happened

I still have that dream to travel and it will not leave me. I am talking about world travel and deeply immersing myself in other cultures. I can't help it, and although some family think I am out of my mind crazy for it and I get teased, I would rather do that, than be secure here and depressed and wonder what the point of life is.

Are any of you searching for spiritual answers in life ? Searching for God ? Searching for why you are here on earth and what your purpose is ? Are you thinking of ways to give back to others and feel valued ?

There are so many resources out there, many recommended by friends that have claimed have instantly changed their lives........................

Well, I am special in that nothing has ever come instantly to me. Many things suggested to me simply have not worked.

All the change and growth I have attained has been gradual, sometimes so slow that I doubted I was even getting better.

Let me be more specific.

Here are some things that have been recommended to me to help me feel better instantaneously, quickly, or would cure me completely......................

1.) Reading The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle. So many people say it changed their life instantly. Basically Mr. Tolle says, just think about the present moment and don't fret about the past and future because all you have is now. He was in an utter state of depression until he woke up one morning and had a realization. HE claims that if we want to feel better bad enough, we will, it's simple as that. After all, being happy is a choice. He just came to this realization out of the blue one day and spent the next two years sitting on park benches in an absolute state of joy. Yay for him !

While he has some good points, I think it is ridiculous to put that kind of pressure on someone to just flip a switch in their brains and be happy because they are living in the now. For some people, their "now" sucks and they are doing everything they can to avoid it. That is why people have addictions or commit suicide. Where is the compassion for those people ?

For me, I would punish myself after reading his book for not feeling happy. After all, I am focusing on the present moment, why am I not feeling better ????? And the cycle continued. After the first few chapters of what I felt was a condescending tone, I couldn't read further.

Maybe I will read further later and get back to you. Maybe I just need to give his entire book a read and learn something.

But no, this did not change my life instantly. It was a good read and made sense (being mindful is important when dealing with anxiety and depression), but it really isn't that kind to people like me.

2.) Tarot Cards/ Psychics. When you are so anxious like me, you want the suffering to stop. I would wake up and vomit sometimes, or feel deep pain in my chest. You just want to know that you are going to be okay. You want to hear that something good will happen, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I got references from friends and family. I saw a few people. They told me what I wanted to hear. I don't think they outright lied to me. Aside from one lady, I think the others read what they saw.

Except that most of it did not come true. I was supposed to meet my "soulmate" three years ago, lol. I did meet the guy that lady predicted I would meet. Well, at least he fit the description. He turned out to be the biggest douchebag.

I was told I would work in fields that I do not work in. I was told that I would never have to worry about money. These things seemed to be a pattern in readings from different people.

When the good things that were predicted did not happen, I felt very let down, like I did something wrong to prevent it from happening. Again, putting more pressure on myself.

Also, bad things happened that they seemed to miss. I had a huge falling out with my best friend this year that the last lady that read me told me that we would be fine. That lady told me I would have no problem getting my own place, yet I had bedbugs and still have scars from those bites.

I have stopped believing. I believe that God will reveal things that we are meant to know. And if we aren't meant to know, then the correct information will be shielded from us.

There is no way to know if we will really be okay down the road, I am sorry. There are just no guarantees in life. If someone tells you differently, they either want your money, want you to join their cult, or are just trying to make you feel better. We have to accept that life is a gamble and good and bad things happen.

3.) Religion. I was told and have read that I should just "give my problems to God". Others have and they have said that they instantly feel healed. I was told the reason for my suffering is that I do not accept Jesus as my Lord and Saviour. If only it were that easy ! I was raised as a Christian and I do believe in God. I do believe in the power of prayer. BUT, for me, God has never been instant. Many things I've asked for I never received instantly. I have asked for a lot of things, but God has had to make room for those things to happen, which takes time. It's only becoming clearer now that I am no longer in my twenties.

4.) Psychiatric Medication. This is a biggie, because it does work for many. Maybe it can work for me, but it hasn't when I tried. I was on Celexa for a year, and at first it was great ! I no longer felt in state of panic, I didn't feel like I was going to break down crying anymore. My emotions flatlined, and I just was. I didn't have highs, and I didn't have lows, which was a huge relief for once. It was nice not to wonder if people hated me or not, because it didn't matter anymore !

At the same time, because I wasn't going through emotional turmoil anymore, I had no motivation to get help.

What has worked for me..............................


Red Shoes said...

Hi there, Sunshine... it's good to see you are back...

Re: Ekhart Tolle

"For some people, their "now" sucks..."

Yes, it does... In my Life Time, most of my 'Nows' have sucked donkeys... BIG donkies... BIG FUKKEN Donkeys...

My counselor, after the death of my Dad... and during my divorce... she told me that I hide a great deal of hurt and pain in my humor...

So, I think a great deal of the bullshit... nonsense... crap that I post... does, indeed, hide a great deal of hurt.

But maybe it's my humor that keeps me moving forward.

Things continue to pile on me... the meeting that my job will end... the news that one of the last three of us brothers is actually one of the sister's children... who knows...

Life is hard, dear... but I'm not ready to quit just yet...



Senorita said...

Good to see you back here on my Bloggerspace, Shoesies ! I will be harrassing you soon as always :)