Saturday, May 23, 2015

Open Yoga Letters--- UNPUBLISHED DRAFT from 2009

Dear Mr. Hotness.............

So I was sitting on my yoga mat, waiting for the instructor to show up. You know how it is, yoga class at the gym....... it's usually a clamfest with a hint of old sausage.

And then you showed up. Nice, fit man with nice pectorals. Now I know that you work out, and I am willing to bet that you eat your leafy greens and take your vitamins. Now you are opening your chakras. Good for you !

It is so rare that men show up to a yoga class, let alone a good looking man. Last week, there was this wannabe thug-looking guy who came to the class and could barely hold a pose. But that didn't really count.

Anyway, yes, I was totally staring at you, trying to be sly about it. No, I do not care if you saw me. I am shy and would never have worked up the nerve to talk to you anyway. So I was enjoying the view, and admiring your nice broad shoulders, and moving down your arms until.............. BAM !!! I saw a thick gold wedding band. It's like you smacked me with that gold band. Next time, why don't you just aim for the heart ?

Would you please go do the downward dog in someone else's class ? I don't want to be distracted when I should be focusing on my breathing and thinking pure thoughts.

Fondly,

The girl three mats over.



Dear woman in the wrong yoga pants,

Hi, I don't know your name, but that's not really relevant. You won't want to know mine after I am done enlightening you.

So I was just getting ready for class when you walked in. First of all, you are a thin woman and those pants you have on make you look kinda flabby, when you really aren't.

Also, they hug your body in the wrong places. Those pants have a knack for making you look flabby while giving you a huge camel toe. I didn't know that such a thing was possible.

And no, I was not staring at you. You were a sight that just could not be avoided. Please keep in mind that when I looked up you were walking in my general direction AND........ the whole room is surrounded by mirrors. So we were all treated to different angles of what you were displaying.

Just an FYI..........

Senorita



Dear yoga instructors,

Keep up the great work ! Thank you for not making us do the Crow.


Namaste !


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