Thursday, July 29, 2010

More Sh*t My Old Man Sends Me

Hello There Kittens !

Meow !

So yesterday I drove by my friend's house to pick her up. I get there and can't park in the space in front of her house because someone parked there. Not only did the person park the car kinda crooked,  but it was park in the wrong direction of oncoming traffic. I was annoyed that of all the parking on the street, that person had to pick my friend's house.

So when she answered the door, I asked her if she had company ( to make sure the person parked there wasn't her guest) She said she didn't so I proceeded to loudly proclaim that some dipshit did a horrible job of parking in front of her house, and couldn't even park in the right direction. She then decided to tell me that it was her dad's car and he was in the other room.

Total fail. I then proceeded to thank her for having my back and warning me when I asked her if she had someone over.

I went over to her father and apologized and when he asked what for, I told him about the comment I made. Turns out he didn't hear it. Win for me.

Anywhore, enough about that..................

Time for pictures my dad sent for my amusement.

Total fat, hairy pussy.......


Thank God I didn't date this in high school. Would've been my dad's worst nightmare........



I don't know what dictionary this hospital consulted. Probably Urban Dictionary....



So that is all for now my little helpless furballs. I need to make my way around your blogs. Please know that I haven't forgotten, things have been a little hectic. But I will get around to it.

Besitos !

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Antares


Hello There My Little Biscuits !

So, I got a lot to say. For starters, I bought my plane ticket to Europe for September. Paris and Amsterdam to be exact, and in Amsterdam I should be hanging out with Porkstar, my bestest blogfriend in the whole world.

I remember when he came out to visit Ashleigh and I in December. My favorite moment of the day was when we were all on the escalator going down to the train. We were all hugging and I screamed "BFFs coming through !".

Anyway, above is Antares, an Austrian film that I recently finished watching. I love foreign films because they are not like Hollywood films. The pace of the film is more like that of normal daily life. Usually in a Hollywood film, you have the main problem in the film, and at the end it must be resolved, and usually it is even if it is completely unbelievable. And usually the endings are so happy. We are programmed to expect a good outcome. There is pressure to reach a good ending.

In a foreign film, there isn't really a soundtrack, it's not about tricks or stunts and life goes on. I watch foreign films because it's like a snapshot into normal life in other parts of the world. And if there is a problem in the film, it usually isn't resolved by the end, rather you are usually left guessing about the future.

Anyway, I love Antares mainly because I got to watch normal everyday Austrian life on screen again, and bonus points since the director is from where I lived. Finally a film where I can hear German in the dialect I learned it in. Austrian German is different, and finally the characters sound like my family. When I saw the mother come in and make salad, pay the cleaning lady and talk to her daughter, it was like I was living with my aunt all over again. You see so many foreign films from Germany or Eastern Europe, but never really any from Austria. I was thrilled that the director is from the same town I used to live in.

The film takes place in a high-rise apartment complex that used to be nice back in the day, but now is inhabited by immigrants and people on lower incomes. Kind of like my aunt's apartment that I lived in back in 1990. My aunt and uncle built a nice house and moved out a few years back. The neighborhood of that apartment complex has changed a lot since then. I felt saddened when the nice bakery I used to go to as a child was turned into a lower grade internet cafe, when there are so many internet cafes, or locutorios already, and it had to be where the old bakery used to be.

The film was about three couples in the high-rise apartment complex that each had their own problems, but end up crossing paths. Basically, the film starts out with a man getting into a car wreck, and then shows the lives of each of the three couples leading up to that event.

Basically the three couples featured are having relationship problems:  1.) A night-shift nurse is so bored with her husband that she has a torrid affair. 2.) A store clerk fakes a pregnancy to keep her Yugoslavian boyfriend 3.) A single mom who kicked her deadbeat ex husband to the curb and is sleeping with the Yugoslavian boyfriend.

I liked the film because I felt these issues are so close to real life. How many people out there seem to have a nice routine life, but inside are really miserable ? I wonder about that all the time. That is why I fear a routine life. I don't want my life to be peaceful and uneventful. I want a happy life, but I don't want it to be predictable. One of my biggest fears in life is simply existing and living a predictable life. My life may be full of drama or I may get a lot of monkey wrenches thrown in that constantly mess up my plans, but the flip side is at least I am not bored. At least I can wake up and know that anything could happen. And great things have happened to me unexpectedly as well.


You see how miserable these people are in the film and you feel for them. The married night-shift nurse was so bored with her married life that she took up a heated affair and really let loose. I felt bad for her, it was so obvious that she just wanted to feel alive again. Anything to feel passion. That's where the sex scenes in the film came from. She and her married lover were definitely uninhibited. I don't condone her cheating as cheating is never the answer to solve your problems, but I definitely understood why she did it and how people fall into routine traps, life passes them by so quickly and one day they decide to wake up and wonder where all the time went.

Anyway, that is all for now. Check it out sometime of you want.

Time to get ready for bed.

Besitos !



Monday, July 26, 2010

It's Coming !

Wassup My Bitches ?

Guess what ? I finally made a blog for my "manslations". Well, barely, it's a hot freaking mess, but at least the very basic groundwork has been laid. (I used "coming" and "laid" already in the beginning of my post.) I still need an e-mail address so people can e-mail me suggestions, tell me how fabulous I am or whine about how mean I am for making fun of people.

Anyhooch, here it is. It's kind of empty, but I am going to do a "manslation" very shortly. Basically this is the very poor man's version of copywriting my shit because right now I am too poor to hire someone to design a website for me (I'd rather blow the cash on a trip to Europe, yes I did just say "blow"). I also bought the domain names to a couple of possibilites. So at the very least if some schmuck decides to try and copy me, I at least have proof that I was here first, so they can suck it !

I can no longer call my little translations "manslations" on the blog (someone beat me to it), but I will call them "manscriptions". Oh yes, it's a play-on-words with the word "transcribe". Basically kittens, manscribing can mean to translate the written word from one language to another.

I think that the douches that post the ads that I make fun of definitely speak a different language than the rest of us normal people, so I am here to translate that nonsense for all of you.

Well that is all for now me sweethearts ! Did I tell you that I watched a hot, erotic foreign film yesterday ? (NOT a porno) I will be sure to tell you all about it later.

Auf Wiedersehen !

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Do you Like Men, Women, Perhaps Both ?

Good Afternoon my little chocolate chip cookies !

I hope you are enjoying your weekend ! I know I need to make my way around your blogs !

This week I am working a 7 day week, and I think I will be doing about the same next week. I could really use the cash. I am trying to take a vacation. I have never taken a real vacation from work EVER. All I've ever done was take sick days, or see my family for a couple of days here and there, but never an actual vacation. I hope that I will be able to make it this year. That would be something if I could actually pull it off.

So.................

I was talking to my boss and coworker the other day and we were talking about our upcoming holiday party. And with holiday parties comes a date. I really hope I can make it this year. I live for parties, and I have the perfect dress. I bought it two years ago and have not been able to wear it since there have been no parties to go to.

Anyway, they both are not sure if I am going to bring a man or a woman as my date. In other words, they are not completely sure if I am gay or straight. They said "man or woman, whatever, we don't judge". Haha, the hell you don't ! My boss is Mr. Gossip Central ! He is married with four daughters, am I supposed to believe that ? And don't get me wrong, it is hilarious, but I don't want to be the subject of his gab fests !

You ladies remember that scene with Miranda in Sex And The City where she is set up with a woman at the firm's baseball function ? Because she never talked about dating anyone ? I think that I am becoming that woman ! Please don't get me wrong, I don't care whether a person is gay or straight, I feel that I am pretty openminded. But c'mon, I thought that it was pretty flipping obvious that I bat for the boys' team !

Well, in a nutshell (haha, a pun) that is my predicament. At work, almost everyone else is married or engaged, and me ? I never ever talk about my dating life at work. Probably because I am very single right now and just don't have the time to meet anyone. It's not something I care to just blab about at work or remind myself about.

Ah well.....

Speaking of which I usually don't talk about dating on this blog. I pretty much stopped a few years back. But I recently read through my archives when I did post about it (I've been blogging since 2003). Wow, so embarrassing and painful. I really had no clue how dating in the real world worked back then. I was so naive. We all suffer in some area in life, we can't have it all. Relationships are where I've been hit the hardest and I hope it's not a curse, I hope it gets better as life goes on.

I feel that I've come a along way since then, but reading those blogs made me feel real sad. Thank goodness for blogs and journals, they do give us perspective, and they do remind us of things we think we've forgotten.

Well that is all for now my little chocolate chip treats ! Time to go to dance class !

Next time I think I should have a "manslation" for you !

Besitos !

Friday, July 23, 2010

French Lessons


Well Hello There My Little Croissants,

For the past 6 weeks, I've been taking French at Stanford University through the Community Learning Program. Classes are so effing expensive,  but it was the only class that fit my schedule. I can still say that it has been worth it. First of all, the campus is so beautiful. I've taken a lot of pictures before class. The building in this picture next to the tower is where I have class.

I don't have the time nor the energy to do the homework, and since I'm not taking it for a grade, I just enjoy the classroom experience.

French is my third foreign language that I have studied. German and Spanish were my first two, and it is interesting to see how familiar French, Spanish and German are. Especially French and Spanish. The only huge problem I have is with French pronounciation especially since I am used to the Spanish alphabet.

My last day of class is on Tuesday, and I am sad that it will be over, but at least I have a foundation for continuting to learn on my own.

Anyway, time for me to go and catch up on your blogs before I go to bed.


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Sh*t My Old Man Says

Hello There My Little Muffins !

So I am tired and about to go to bed. Don't have a lot of time to write so let's have a little quickie post shall we ?

So there is this book out called "Shit My Dad Says". Basically some 29 year old schmuck hit paydirt when he moved back in with his parents and wrote down all the witty things his father said. So basically not only was he under daddy's roof but he's getting paid off what his old man is saying. It's not like he has to come up with any of this on his own. He is so lucky, my dad would be demanding his percentage of the profits, probably writing up a contract or something.

If I sound a little bit jealous, it is because I AM !! I mean, why the hell didn't I think of this ? I have the colorful, twisted father, and to think I could've gotten paid off him without even having to use my brain ! It doesn't get easier than that people !

In honor of colorful fathers everywhere here are some things my father has said/done:

-He owns a cat named Mistress Sweetums

-(We used to do martial arts) "I now do only one martial art form: "Pet Kat Do"

-"Gag a maggot in a puke pile" (In reference to my aunt's smelly dog)

-"Your breath is so rank that it will wake the dead" (Saying it in a high pitched voice to my grandma's dog)

-For Halloween one year he was a woman and wore a wig, kept his beard and wore fake plastic boobies with the tits showing. It looked so real (which really fucked with my mind because my dad is a hairy dude), and he had fun making the male patients squirm. He was a dental assistant at the time, so he would lean close to them when asking a question. My god I wish I were a fly on the wall at that time !

And this is just the tip of the iceberg folks ! Should I feel bad about spilling some of his secrets ? No, because he loves to talk about the dumb shit I did growing up to anyone who will listen so either way I have to pay !

So before I go, here are some of the images my dad forwarded to my inbox to amuse me:








So that is all for now my little starchy treats ! I will stop by your blogs soon.

Besitos !

Friday, July 16, 2010

So.... How big is your package ?

Hello There My Little Chocolate Kisses,

Miss Me ? I missed you all. Group hug !!!!

Anyway, enough chinwagging, and down to business.

I was at work today and I had to mail out some documents. So I logged onto the website of our beloved US postal service and entered in all of the necessary information required to mail off these documents. Name, company, addresses, blah blah blah blah...........

I'm like yeah, whatever UNTIL.......

it was time to talk about the size of my package.

The specific question asked was " Is your package larger than 84 inches in length and girth and/or over 1 cubic foot ?" (You mean it could be BOTH?)

I could answer yes, no or "help me determine". I was about to find out how this would be determined, but I had a bunch of shit to do today and decided to focus on other things like filing and harassing my coworkers.

There are a million different ways to word the question of how much your documents or items weigh, but no... the US Postal service just had to go there and use "package", "girth", "larger"  and "help me" in one question.


I know that this post seems geared towards men, but ladies cheer up, because today is Judgement Day and Jesus is here !


** Picture sent to me from my dad......

My bloggy friend Mac doesn't think Jesus exists, and that's so sad because Jesus would've shared with him. AND He would've turned the other cheek so Mac could have some privacy.  That just means more tits for Jesus and none for Mac :(

That is all for now my little chocolate treats.

Besitos !

P.S: I will be visiting all your blogs soon, sorry for being in MIA. Your comments rock, and your blogs are all important to me.

Monday, July 12, 2010

A saucy good time

Hello There My Little Peaches,

Other than joining my friend for dinner this Sunday evening, I did absolutely nothing today. Because Aunt Flo has arrived and knocked me on my ass for half the day, I just opted to watch Law and Order all day in my PJs eat and nap.

But let's not talk about that. Let's talk about the fun I had yesterday in Napa. I belong to Couchsurfing.org. (where you can meet up with others in other countries or states or where they come to you and you can host) There was a meeting in San Francisco and we rode up in a limo and went wine tasting in Napa and had lunch. It was totally a good time, a great way to spend the weekend and my dear friend Heidi came along.

We went to three wineries, and I could really only taste at one because I got pretty tipsy the first time. I am a lightweight and it only took me one glass to make me feel like I couldn't walk straight. The first winery we went to was Stag's Leap in Napa, and they won a contest against a French winery three times hands down. (I made sure the French guy in our group heard that) Their Artemis collection was so velvety and smooth, and I am not even that into wine.


*Taken by Moi

Did I also tell you that I also tried caviar for the first time at another winery ? That was the Domaine Carneros, and the chateau was modeled after Château de la Marquetterie in Champagne, France. I thought that I wouldn't like caviar, but it was pretty good.


* Image yanked off Google

Anyway, it had been a while since I was in a limo and it was so nice to sit back there, chat it up with others and get a killer view of Napa. The cherry that topped my sundae was riding in that limo through the Golden Gate bridge. What a great way to spend money. Before hitting the Golden Gate bridge, the view of the fog rolling off the hills was priceless.

The people in our group were fabulous, and besides those of us from the SF Bay Area, there were people from France, Poland, the Czech Republic, Canada and Mexico with us. The guy who organized the trip had a gorgeous flat in San Francisco with a nice view of the city and a rooftop terrace.

So yeah, great weekend, and a great bunch of people. No one got too drunk, no groping took place in the limo, but I did bring my witty banter, but what else is new......

Here is Yours Truly and I was under the influence of wine, a lot of sun and tylenol.


Time to go and watch more Law and Order,

Besitos !

Thursday, July 8, 2010

OMG....... You can't make this sh*t up !

Well Bonsoir my Little Macaroons..........

I was going to write a post about my feelings and about how I've been reflecting on my life lately, but you know what ? Fuck it, why talk about feelings when I can be "manslating" an ad from Craigslist ? I know, right ?

I swear, porn has effed a lot of people up. Apparently normal sex or even kinky sex doesn't cut it anymore for some, and they have to take it to very nasty level.

Here, enough talking and let me whip out this nugget so you can decide how fast this world is going to Hell in a handbasket:



Toilet Boy Awaiting His Demanding Mistress - 31




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Date: 2010-07-08, 10:12PM PDT



Reply To This Post
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While I understand Toilet Slavery as a form of humiliation or degradation for the man and I was totally humiliated while growing up, I more see it as a man giving to the woman the ultimate form of worship possible I will sell you any line imaginable so you will shit on my face. Imagine the thrill and exhilaration you'll I will feel to know that a man is willing to serve as your toilet, that he worships you so much to exalt you to such a powerful position. I was never good at giving compliments anyway. I'm actually quite a normal guy except that I am totally NOT. I will admit to being very kinky NASTY and somewhat TOTALLY perverted but in a good way. In a good way if your toilet is broken and my mouth just happens to be there......


If you've never done this type of play before and have been curious then you are in for something that you can't even talk to your girlfriends about, this is a "golden" opportunity for you to experience something unique (pun sort of intended). But if you are inexperienced, please at least have a very strong hunch that this is for you. It can get a bit "messy". Babe, just make sure you eat a big lunch before, I want you on a full tank........
I am eagerly awaiting  and I'd love to serve you as your toilet. P.S. the toilet handle is in my pants ;)
 
 
 
If any of you would like to have a chat with this lad, you can access his ad here.
 
 
 
That is all for now my loves.
 
No besitos for this evening, not after what I just wrote about. How about a hug instead ?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Now you know..................

Hello There My Little Hummingbirds !

So how are ya ? Miss me ? I hope you all enjoyed your 4th ! I was supposed to go to Tahoe, but that trip got cancelled so I just relaxed at home and hung out with friends.

Okay, so enough chit chat and down to business ! I have some things to get off my chesticles !

Numero Un:

1.) Whatever you do, Do NOT use Gold Bond foot cream. The active ingredient is menthol. OMG, I used it last night before I went to bed, and first of all, the vapors practically burned my eyes. Not to mention the smell. Menthol is good for when you have a cold. But not so much when you're healthy. I almost choked, passed out and went blind.

Anyway, it felt good on my feet, though while I slept. But today I worked out during lunch and my feet were on FIRE. While I was running I felt like I was walking on fire. So I got into the shower after my workout and once I turned on the hot water, it flared up even more. (I know it was dumb of me to use hot water)

I mean, it's a cream fergodssake. I just told myself that I was just having a reaction and that it was just nerves talking, my feet weren't actually on fire. But I only was able to tell myself that for like five minutes before I started to wonder if I had actual tissue damage.

So when I went back to my desk I had to take off my shoes and ice my feet at the reception desk because someone else is using my desk in the back of our office. Luckily my boss didn't walk by.

Notice that on the box that it says "Soothing Relief for tired, sore, even painful feet." There is some truth to that because the product will burn your feet so fucking bad that by the time that the foot cream has finally worn off (because you can't really wash it all off) you will feel so much relief that those tired feet you had before you bought the cream, will be considered a godsend.

Now to Numero Deux..............

A little message to the future MIL of my friend,

I met you over the weekend, and I do like you. We had a lot to talk about and boy are you opinionated......

But please, I did NOT want to hear how you had to encourage your ex husband to see a sex therapist so he could learn how to do a better job of eating you out. Then you proceeded to tell us exactly what he was told.

"Take an orange, cut it in half, and practice sucking on that while you are eating it. Do it for a week"

W T F ??

And then............... you were just utterly shocked when I told you that I didn't need to hear that. You were like "what, do you think that's gross ? It's natural." I mean, I almost offended you.

Hey, you know what else is natural ? Boundaries.........

You are in your sixties, I've barely met you and we don't have that kind of relationship. You told me over and over the day before that you are such a lady and that you act like a lady..... and I'm a lady this....... and I'm a lady that.......blah blah blah..........

So yeah, it did jolt me a little when you shared this golden nugget of information with me. I rarely talk to my own girlfriends about eating pussy, or whistling to the wheatfield or yodeling in the canyon.

Please, you are no Sue Johanson.

Wanna see Sue Johanson ? When you acquire all her wisdom then we can sit and have a chat........

Here. Learn something. Like how to blow a man...........



Alright loves ! Time for me to get some sleep.

I will try to visit your blogs as soon as I can.

Besitos !

Friday, July 2, 2010

Meme Answers

Good Morning My Little Dumplings !

So yesterday I pulled a little survey out of my ass and thanks to those of you for answering or commenting. My dad even filled it out and sent it back. Clearly the apple does not fall far from the tree.

Anyhoochie, my answers are below.

1.) WHAT ARE YOU WEARING ? Who cares ! Underneath my clothes, I am not wearing anything. And guess what ? I am naked underneath my clothes every single day.




2.) WHAT IS ONE THING THAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT YOU THE MOST ? "You are a character" or "You have beautiful eyes"



3.) WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WILL NEVER HEAR SOMEONE SAY ABOUT YOU ?

"My, look how tall you are !"



4.) WHAT PERFUME OR COLOGNE DO YOU WEAR ? Parisienne by YSL



5.) VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE ? Vanilla AND chocolate



6.) PLAYBOY OR MAXIM ? I don't read either, but Maxim is more interesting.



7.) WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE WITH ON THE PHONE ? Heidi



8.) WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR A RINGTONE ? A lebanese pop song



9.) WHAT COUNTRY DO YOU WANT TO TRAVEL TO MOST ? France, at least for now. I always change my mind.



10.) IF YOU ARE A MAN... ARE YOU A LEG MAN OR AN ASS MAN ? Not a man but I would probably be an ass man.



11.) IF YOU ARE A WOMAN, WHAT IS THAT ONE THING ABOUT A GUY'S APPEARANCE THAT IS A DEALBREAKER ?

If he is shorter than me. I am only 5 ft tall.



12.) DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOING DUTCH ON A FIRST DATE ? Hells to the fucking no ! If a man insisted going Dutch with me, yeah I would graciously pay my half, but I wouldn't return his calls anymore.



13.) WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR DATE FROM THE INTERNET SHOWED UP AND LOOKED 10 YEARS OLDER AND AT LEAST 30 LBS HEAVIER THAN IN THE PICTURE ?

A lie is a lie is a lie so there are no second chances for that. If he can blatanly lie about something so obvious such as looks, think about what he's not telling you. He could be married or have a gambling problem for all I know.

So I would sit and have lunch with him and pretend that I don't notice that he's built like a fucking mac truck. But I wouldn't return his calls after that, that's for sure. I may also offer to pay my half so he is clear that I don't want anything from him.


14.) MEN.... WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WOKE UP AND DISCOVERED YOU HAVE A WOMAN'S BODY ?

I have a woman's body. It's awesome !

15.) LADIES, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WORK UP AND DISCOVERED THAT YOU ARE TRAPPED IN A MAN'S BODY ?
 
Jump up and down in front of a mirror or pretend my penis is talking in funny voices.