Sunday, January 10, 2010

Take a chance and bang me for a change !

Hey Bitches, I am back ! Sassy Senorita has returned with another "manslation". RAWR !

Basically, I copied a real ad off Craigslist. This guy lives in San Francisco and somehow got his hands on "The Secret". The regular font is what this guy is saying, the capital letters are what I think he really means, and the red writing is what I really think.

Ooh, and before I forget, http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/m4w/1546928705.html THAT, is the link to the real ad. So if this somehow interests you, feel free to drop this prize a line.

Okay, here you go !


I seek a very special, yet maybe impossible to find girl. BECAUSE IT IS IMPOSSIBLE.  However, I believe that we live in a Universe that is positive, dynamic and reflective of all we think, feel and do. So..I think if I feel this way, I must do something about it in order to find her..........  I READ "THE SECRET" AND HOPE TO PULL SOME MAGIC OUT OF MY ASS.




You are very beautiful, in fact your beauty has often been a curse as it has become a wall that stops people seeing the true you. BASICALLY YOU HAVE BIG BOOBS, LOW SELF ESTEEM AND WOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT I EVEN TOSS A COMPLIMENT YOUR WAY. You are incredibly sexual, sensual, open and comfortable with your needs. YOU WOULD PUT OUT THE FIRST NIGHT Your nature is to be submissive, yet the irony of your looks is that most men are unable to give you the strength and direction you have always looked for but never found. NOT ONLY DO I WANT YOU TO BE HOT, I WANT YOU TO SERVICE ME WITHOUT ME DOING THAT MUCH IN RETURN. LIKE, I WOULD EXPECT YOU TO BLOW ME, YET I WOULDN'T RETURN THE FAVOR.


You dress in a way that is sometimes provocative, often "head turning" but always with an extra degree of class and style, that sets you apart from others... FUCK CLASS, I WANT SLUTTY !



You are a deep thinker, you have an emotional and sensitive soul that stays protected from the world, behind a facade of independence created to keep your heart safe from disappointment and pain. THAT FACADE OF INDEPENDENCE WOULD BE YOU PAYING FOR ME ON OUR DATES, AND "LOANING" ME MONEY AS TO NOT DISAPPOINT ME.



You are a paradox, you could easily be the most explicit porn star, yet you are intelligent and creative and now seek something more profound in life. AH FUCK IT, WHY EVEN LIE, I WANT A DIRTY, NASTY WHORE OF A WOMAN IN THE BEDROOM. I AM NOT THAT SMART, SO MY STANDARDS AREN'T THAT HIGH IN THE BRAIN DEPARTMENT.



You have searched for love and only found shallow relationships that never fulfilled or uplifted you. YOU ARE SO DESPERATE FOR LOVE, THAT YOU WOULD BELIEVE ME WHEN I THROW YOU A SHALLOW COMPLIMENT.



You have dreamt of being discovered by the one man who will understand, accept and LOVE you for all you have been, all that you have become and all that you are yet to be..He will accept you without judgement or jealousy - without shock or shame...no matter WHAT has happened in your life, he welcomes you with open arms and no condition. BABY, I WILL ACCEPT YOU BECAUSE I CAN'T DO MUCH BETTER. I MEAN LOOK AT ME, I AM UGLY AS FUCK, AND NOT THE BRIGHTEST LIGHT IN THE SKY. I KNOW THIS. I ALSO SAY I AM NOT JEALOUS, BECAUSE IT IS INEVITABLE THAT YOU WILL FIND A BETTER MAN THAN ME.



You want to live a life that is filled with laughter and adventures. Where loyalty, faith and passion are the foundations of a long term relationship. BLAH BLAH BLAH, THERE WILL DEFINITELY BE LAUGHTER IN MY PANTS. AND THE ONLY LOYALTY I REALLY HAVE IS WITH MY PENIS.



You are tired and weary of the world you have lived in so far and you hunger for something that you have never experienced before. BASICALLY, YOU ARE SO BEATEN DOWN BY THE OTHER MEN OUT THERE, THAT YOU WILL TAKE A CHANCE AND EXPERIENCE A CHEAP UGLY FUCK LIKE ME. GO ON, TAKE A CHANCE !



You are not looking to club and get wasted, or party and pass out. I CAN'T AFFORD THE CLUB ENTRANCE FEES You are just as happy to have your hand held whilst sitting in a park, gazing across the City and listening to your lovers words whisper secret messages to you as being blindfolded and taken on a mystery trip to a beautiful location for a long lost weekend. ALL ACTIVITIES SUGGESTED ARE FREE, AND THE BEAUTIFUL LOCATION FOR A LONG LOST WEEKEND WOULD BE AT THE BEACH IN MY FRIEND'S TRAILOR.

You ache to be childlike and naive as well as mature and experienced...to crawl under a "tent" made of sheets spread across sofas and tables and fall asleep in his arms is just as beautiful as sharing a bottle of fine wine whilst watching the sun set.  BASICALLY SUGAR PIE, I WANNA BANG YOU, AND I WANT YOU TO BE NAIVE TO THINK I ACTUALLY LOVE YOU.


You may or may not have close family but you seek a man that will give you the protection, inspiration and the safety to be YOURSELF, nothing hidden, nothing denied...You dream of letting go and trusting...the one thing that has always been so hard for you to do...to TRUST... 

BASICALLY, I DON'T WANT YOU TO HAVE CLOSE FAMILY OR FRIENDS, BECAUSE THEN THEY WILL TELL YOU WHAT A LOSER I AM, AND WE CAN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT, NOW CAN WE BABY CAKES ? IF I AM THE ONLY ONE IN YOUR LIFE, YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THAT THERE ARE BETTER OPTIONS OUT THERE.



There may have been things you have done in your life that you look back in with guilt or shame...PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE A STRIPPER but these don't matter to him, for he loves you for the SOUL inside... LIKE I MENTIONED EARLIER, I CAN'T AFFORD TO BE PICKY AND I REALLY HOPE THAT YOU ARE/WERE A STRIPPER.



You seek a relationship that borders on obsessively loving and needing, but in a healthy way SERIOUSLY, WTF IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY ????  where each are confident in the love of the other and there are no awkward moments or envious arguments..in fact there never need be an argument as LOVE is too important to tarnish with negative energy and bad words...
 BASICALLY SUGAR, I WANT YOU TO BE NEEDY AND THINK I AM THE BEST THING SINCE POTATO CHIPS. THERE WOULD BE NO ARGUMENTS BECAUSE YOU WOULD BE SO NEEDY AND DESPERATE THAT YOU WOULDN'T DARE DO ANYTHING TO UPSET ME.


You love music and artistic ideals, you are kind and empathetic with others..in fact, you are a very loyal friend that gives so much yet gets so little in return..You are often let down by those who you have tried to help the most...sometimes you have to deal with their jealousy or their lack of self confidence around you...but you try to take the moral higher ground and not respond in kind..
 BASICALLY, I WILL DEMAND A LOT OUT OF YOU, WITH SO LITTLE TO GIVE IN RETURN. AND WHEN I AM A COMPLETE AND UTTER COCKNOZZLE-DOUCHEBAG TO YOU, I WANT YOU TO TAKE THE "HIGHER ROAD" AND NOT FIGHT BACK.



SERIOUSLY, DOES THIS GUY EVER STOP ?


In your secret innermost thoughts, you need to be lover, partner, best friend, confidante and sex kitten...but this is your paradox, you need to be all these things, but only for one man... I WANT ME TO BE THE ONLY PERSON YOU EVEN TALK TO.



You are not interested in material things anymore (nice and fun though they are) but now you seek the spiritual connection that will let you live life with LOVE in everyway, everyday... You would happily invite me to stay having never even met me because you believe and trust in life…like I do. 
I HOPE YOU DON'T LIKE NICE THINGS, BECAUSE I WILL NEVER SPEND MONEY ON YOU. I HOPE YOU ARE SO NEEDY AND DESPERATE THAT YOU WOULD THROW YOURSELF AT ME JUST BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN FAIRYTALE HOLLYWOOD MOVIES.




So if this is YOU, if my words have touched many nerves..if you are genuine and serious in your search for someone that is unlike ANYONE you have ever met before...I wish to hear from you.. I MUST SAY YOU TOUCHED MANY OF MY NERVES IN A STICKING NEEDLES IN MY VEINS AND TWISTING THEM AROUND SORT OF WAY. UNFORTUNATELY, I'VE HEARD OF MEN LIKE YOU BEFORE BECAUSE, HELLO ! IT'S CRAIGSLIST !



I am quite prepared for the fact that no one will reply to this YA THINK ?, as I believe all that I have described here is just the tip of an amazing iceberg of very specific qualities that I SEEK in someone..and maybe she doesn't look at online dating sites...maybe she is still unsure if I exist and has given up her search...maybe she doesnt exist at all..but I don't believe that
BASICALLY I AM LOOKING FOR A HOT WOMAN WITH BIG BOOBS, ZERO SELF ESTEEM, THAT IS SO BEATEN DOWN BY THE WORLD AND OTHER MEN THAT SHE HAPPENS TO STOOP TO THE LOWEST OF THE LOW AND GIVE CRAIGSLIST A TRY AND HOOK UP WITH A PRIZE LIKE ME !



But I have faith...I have such powerful faith... I HAVE SUCH POWERFUL FAITH IN MY PENIS, MY PENIS LIKES BIG BOOBS AND ZERO SELF ESTEEM.



I am quite sincere in this advert, BECAUSE I SINCERELY WANT TO FUCK YOU. I am a real person, YES, I KNOW HOW REAL CRAIGSLIST CAN BE living in the real world and waiting for the ONE girl that will match and balance all I need and all I offer. GOD, I WONDER HOW IT IS POSSIBLE THAT MEN CONTINUE TO EXIST LIKE THIS AND HAVE SUCH EXPECTATIONS/




I am highly creative, passionate, stubborn, driven, successful in my world and devilishly good looking...I would not even place this ad, if I didn't know that all I have detailed here, I reflect and balance in all I have to give.. OMG....... BARF !



Take a chance - reach out and see where we may go... PLEASE TAKE A CHANCE AND BANG THE UGLY SHMOE LIKE ME FOR A CHANGE.


I am here ...I know you are out there somewhere... GOD, I REALLY HOPE THIS LAW OF ATTRACTION SHIT WORKS..



Take some time to tell me about yourself..I would like to see your pictures and really get a feel for the girl who has never done this kind of thing before..fall in LOVE, that is...!
YES, I WANT TO SEE PICTURES, PREFERABLY WITH YOU POSING SLUTTY AND GIVING ME THOSE "COME FUCK ME" EYES OUT OF DESPERATION. EVEN THOUGH YOU MAY TELL ME YOU'VE NEVER DONE THIS SORT OF THING, I'LL KNOW YOU ARE LYING. WE CAN PRETEND YOU ARE SHY AND BASHFUL WHEN YOU ARE REALLY A DIRTY GIRL. IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN DO ANY BETTER.
 
 
 
 
LOVE,
 
THE GUY WHO SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO READ LAW-OF - ATTRACTION BOOKS.

15 comments:

Shelly Rayedeane said...

Very funny and you made a great point.

When someone uses the laws of attraction to manipulate, the laws of attraction usually stops working. Lol.

Big Mark 243 said...

I ALSO SAY I AM NOT JEALOUS, BECAUSE IT IS INEVITABLE THAT YOU WILL FIND A BETTER MAN THAN ME.

Funny line to me, out of a ton of 'em... Weird to me that he wants someone to 'tell him about themselves', because he didn't leave them much to say. All that he wants is a blow up doll!

*Juliette* said...

Priceless! This ad belongs on the "Jerks in Your Area" site:
http://jerksinyourarea.com/

Secretia said...

The only word for all this is "unfuckinreal"

Secretia

dadshouse said...

Friggin' hilarious! You really should write a book.

Bev said...

Holy crap! That was good stuff. I can't believe he went on and on like that. What a massive tool.

Christopher said...

Stop making fun of my ad! Errr, I mean that guy sounds like a real jerk.

Ily said...

You could start your own matchmaking service, Chica! You really know how to spot out bullshit and turn it into humor!

Just telling it like it is said...

Is that chessy or what?

mac said...

Awww,
he seems like such a sweet guy.

BeautifulWreck said...

Craigslist is a freaky place. How many people have formed serious relationships using it? Damn.

Danielle said...

OMG, what a nut job. I hope that Craigslist made him pay for that shit.

Danielle said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Dad.. said...

Oh yeah.. he hooked up that night. LOL!!

Deine Mutter said...

That was the funniest yet! Glad to see you post manslations again once in a while - I was in serious withdrawal....

Looking forward to seeing you soon!

Love, Mom