Hello there everyone,
Today is another hard day for me. I wanna lie around and sulk all day but I have so many things to do. My room is a mess, my bills need to be paid, I have dance as well as my cake decorating class. I feel kinda disorganized right now. I really just need to get a grip. I thought keeping myself busy would make me forget about the other stuff. It did for a little bit, but it always comes back to haunt you.
I've been thinking a lot lately about my relationship situation. I have always been unlucky. Either I have liked someone and they didn't like me back or vice versa. Or the person is always "too busy". Or the other guy is usually emotionally unavailable and doesn't wanna share stuff with me. Or we're both too busy. Or it's the wrong time. Or the guy likes me, but unknowingly I seem distant and push him away. It's always something.
I am an indepenedent woman. I know I can live my life without a guy's help, and if I am single for the rest of my life I can live. But I am not looking for help. I just would like a loving relationship. And I am not out there searching for guys, and I am not expecting anything to come fast. I hate having to admit that I want a loving relationship with a man. Admiting stuff like that when I was growing up really wasn't encouraged. Plus most men my age are terrified of commitment. They wanna play the field. And I am not a play the field type of girl.
I have never been able to even come close to experiencing love. Somehow with every guy I go out with I feel even more alienated than when I am alone. It's always something. He won't show me his house. He won't call me when he's traveling. He only texts me during the week. He won't call asking when we'll go out again. It's always on his terms. It's always something. And I am so tired of it.
Maybe I am not being clear to guys about what I want. Maybe I am not letting him know that I am a serious girl and that I wanna take things slow and let them develop into more serious things. And maybe I am not valuing myself as much as I should be. I really think that I have a lot to offer a guy. I have upheld a lot of my values, and I have a lot of things I am pursuing right now.
I am so glad I have dance. It makes me feel beautiful and after I am done practicing I realize that I have my own approval and don't need that of a man.
So, I am done for now. I will probably come back later. I have a lot on my mind right now.