Hello Everyone,
How are you ? The picture above is kind cool because it is a picture of the very traditional bellydancers back in the day, unlike today. Today bellydancing is more Hollywood style. But I don't mind. I love the Hollywood style just as much, if not more.
I am not writing to complain, but I just don't feel too good today. My roommate is coming back tonight and I don't want to be all depressed around him. He took me in and has helped me out so much that if would be unfair to bitch to him. And besides, he'd just tell me to get over it and stop whining anyways. So therefore, I am dumping this all on my own journal.
I read a quote posted on another journal (from Jessie). In fact her journals is listed among my favorites. "We fear the things that we want the most."
This quote is so very true for me. I am just so scared to venture out in the world, and I am holding myself back from what I want. There are many things that I want and I am just too chicken shit.
Yesterday I spent my whole day alone in the house, rested and thought a lot about my life. And I thought hard. Right now I feel like I want to just hide and not do anything at all. In fact I don't really know what I wanna do with my life.
Accomplishing things and achieving goals comes from believing in yourself and having enough confidence to do it. That is my problem. My confidence is just shot right now, and I don't believe in myself as much as I should. And it is my biggest problem. And I wish I could fix it.
People tell me not to put myself down and that I should believe in myself. And I agree with them. But it's just not so black and white. It just doesn't change overnight. This has been a bad habit of mine for most of my life. And I always somehow seem to go back to having a bad self-esteem. It's something I have to fight with on a daily basis. And it is holding me back.
I am so scared of rejection, disappointing people and messing up. And I really shouldn't be.
Let's take my job for example. I am a telemarketer. It's funny. Ask my boss and he'll tell you that I am not a telemarketer and that I am not selling anything. He'll tell you I am a "qualifier" and that I am just getting people to agree to have information sent to them if they meet or "qualify" for cerrtain requirements. But we all know that I am just getting information for a broker to call people back and then sell them financial services.
I can't get people that are interested. I make about 200 calls a day and I am expected to get 7 people. And I get only ONE. And my boss isn't happy. He notices that I don't sound confident. And I know that I am not confident enough. I talk too fast and sound timid. Because I am scared of people yelling at me and telling me that I am bothering them, even though they don't know me and are in another country.
I wish that I could easily get used to rejection and move along with a smile on my face. I need to learn how to face it, because that's a big part of doing business: mistakes, failure, rejection. People sometimes aren't gonna like me.
I don't know how to make my boss happy. When I call, I have to get the manager or supervisor of the company on the phone. A lot of people I talk to don't speak English. Then there are those that are out of the office and a lot of secretaries won't put me through. By the time I actually end up speaking to a manager they aren't interested most of the time.
I listen to the other people in the office and they somehow get people interested. This one girl next to me has such a perky voice and though her English is a little broken, she gets people interested. And I just can't. I don't care about what I am talking about. In fact I don't believe in it at all. And to top it off I can't stand reading from a script, which we are required to read from. If someone from the company called me I would probably be pissed too.
Right now this job is all I got right now, so I do care about doing it well and making the bosses happy. Right now this is my last chance to stay in Spain and I am heavily relying on the check. So I am a little stressed. I need to care about this job and I need to somehow muster up all the confidence I have to meet the quota.
I am thinking about teaching English privately to people here, but I just don't have enough confidence in my abilities. I have no experience and I don't know where to begin.
Then I think about handing my resume to marketing companies here, but I really have NO experience. I wouldn't know where the hell to begin. Especially because I don't speak Spanish fluently.
I am at a point where I feel like I don't know how to do anything and where to start. I just don't know how to market myself and it is frustrating. And I don't know how to just jump in and start looking for opportunities. I am a little scared to just jump in. I don't know where to begin.
I love Spain, but I don't know how much longer I am gonna last here.
I will write more about this later. I better give y'all a break.
Ciao.
2 comments:
You can never sell anything you don't believe in unless you're a pathological liar, so be proud. Don't be down on yourself. That's the reason you can't do it. You know it's a load of crap and you can't push it. You should be patted on the back. But you say.....I have to make money and you do. Why not try teaching English IF you'd really enjoy it. You'll enjoy it ONLY if you like teaching and the people you're teaching. If you like something, you always do well at it. You just haven't found your niche. Is there any money in belly dancing? ; )
i know its hard to do something you dont enjoy doing and it may be a little frustrating. but if you need it to do something you love doing such as living there in spain, then your going to have to learn to be brave. im not saying its easy or it'll happen over night, but you have to atleast try to take the first step. i know its just a stupid job, but think of it this way, if you can try to over come and get through this job, then other things you want to do in life wont seem as hard, such as trying market your self and getting your self that english job you want. i know you dont know where to begin, but part of finding where to begin deals with you taking that first step and looking for it. nothing in life is free, you have to work for it. i know it may seem dificult for you now, but i know your strong inside, or you wouldnt have been able to make it out there and be there as long as you have on your own. just dont give up, and when you feel you cant do more, remember you have people here supporting you. just one step at a time, thats all it takes, and take every day as it comes. remember each day is a brand new day
antonio
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