Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Last Year This Time

Hello All,

Last year this day, I was so depressed out of my mind. I don't think that I had ever sunk that low. Nothing was going right for me and I felt so out of place in this world. I even blogged on this day last year. It was a short entry because I didn't know how to adequately express myself.

I remember going to my friend's bridal shower that day. I didn't want to go due to the way I was feeling, but I mustered up everything I had to attend because she was my best friend in college. While I was there, I looked at her and her successful life. She was so happy. She was going places in her career, and marrying a wonderful man. I watched her with her new sisters in law. I thought life was so unfair. I was happy for her, but I felt like I was dealt a shorter hand.

We were roommates in college and had goals for ourselves and that day I was so disappointed in myself. Why couldn't I get my life on track like that ? I was in debt and getting deeper, I had family problems, I felt trapped, my bosses at work were threatening me with my job, I had gained weight, my friends were busy and I felt isolated. I just felt so helpless. And I didn't know what to do. I had even stopped bellydancing.

And on the way home I got a nice fat speeding ticket. I told the officer I was speeding because I had to really go to the bathroom, but he didn't let me off. Everyone else around me sped, but he chose me.

I got home after that and just locked myself in my room and cried a lot. I didn't want to live like that. I think I even drank a little, which I normally never ever do. I didn't know what to do with myself at that point.

The next day after I woke up I felt a little better. I started my legal classes the following month in September. Once I poured my heart into my studies I felt better. A couple of months later, I got a volunteer position at a legal aid community service group and poured my heart into that. I got straight As and good recommendations out of it. Unfortunately I think I just got my first B in my legal Analysis class this summer.

I won't forget that day. It scares me still to think about it. I don't ever want to feel like that again.

This year has treated me differently. But it's not really the hand I was dealt. I have learned that it was my hard work and perseverance that got me out of it and back on my feet.

I still have a long way to go before I am living the life that I really want. But I am on my way. At least I am dancing again. I am almost done with my studies, and I have an internship with the Public Defender's office.

I know this is a depressing entry but I just had to say it. It's really important to remember where you were so you do everything you can not to end up back there.

2 comments:

zoorisk said...

Your entry was not depressing, it shows that no matter how tough things got for you, you manage to overcome them.  You are a stronger person now than you were last year.  Your life is on track and reaching the goal that you most desire.  As for you friends Wedding, that is only a glimpse at what might be waiting for you someday in the future, and you will be more happier than your friend on that day because it is happing to you.

It is good that you are begining to dance once again, always dance like no one was is watching, and free your soul to the sound of music. (Shake the trunk baby)

Good luck in your new adventures and the many more you will be making in life's journey.

kdwsunshine said...

Glad to see you journaling again. I understand how you were feeling a year ago. I felt similar to that and it really sucked. I ended up getting married for the wrong reasons and now in the process of getting divorced. Not the best life I had envisioned for myself, but its getting better every day.
Sounds like you have great things ahead for you...keep it up!!
hugs,
Kathi