Monday, August 16, 2010

Hey, stuff your fat ass into this !!!!

So Whats Up ?

Guess what  my little French kisses ? I am leaving to Paris in less than a month. That means that I am starting to make plans. I will scan my passport and start backing up my emergency info, calling my credit card company and memorizing my pin numerically. Because guess what ? There are no letters on ATMS in Europe so if you don't get that together, you are fucked and not in a good way.

I am also looking for a place to stay there. God help me.

What else ?

Oh yes, amazingly I lost a couple of pounds over the weekend. Go me !

You know what else ? I bought a pair of Assets. They are made by the founder of Spanx, but cheaper than Spanx. Basically it's like a girdle for your thighs, butt, hips and stomach.

So I broke down and bought one. I figured, what the hell........

Totally hilarious. Imagine a pair of stockings for a three year old  with a little room on top for your stomach and that's what you've got. While I was trying to stuff my fat ass into this small elastic space, I felt ridiculous. I wonder what other women who are larger than I try to look like stuffing their duffs into this ridiculous contraption. And does it work for them ? Honestly, I don't think so. And besides, it's false advertising. Men hate that shit. They're gonna find out sooner or later right ? Especially those freaks that like to do it with the lights on. Nothing wrong with that though, gotta find out what you're getting into, dontcha think ? Oooh, that was a pun and it was totally unintended !

Anywhooters, when I was done sucking in my stomach and trying to pull it up, I took a good look at myself in the mirror and guess what ? I still looked the same size. I mean, the fat is still there, right ? Where's it gonna go ? Suffocate your organs. My thighs weren't any farther apart. And I actually felt fatter and bloated because I had stuffed myself into something that looked like your little baby niece would wear.

 I understand that this is supposed to help you look smoother, but I was not flabby to begin with. I just need to lose ten pounds. I will try it tomorrow under my work clothes and see if I look smoother, but honestly, who gives a shit ? I don't dress to impress at work. I have a lot of bending down and heavy lifting to do and not the good kind.

Anyway, that is all for now my loves !

Love, hugs and French kisses !

26 comments:

Jessica said...

I wear my Spanx under formal wear. It definitely smooths things out and does slim my waist a bit (maybe an inch). Ugh, I hate them, but sometimes they are a necessary evil. Especially when it comes to that last 10-15 lbs that will. not. go. away.

Zsuzsi said...

Why would there be any letters on the ATMs? Please enlighten me :)

Candace said...

you make me laugh. love it. never tried the stuff, but have certainly thought about it.

H said...

I like a some padding on the tush, most people are too freaking skinny these days.

Think Marilyn Monroe, that is the self image you should be shooting for, I think your already there.

Be confident with what you have, that's sexy. Your sexy.

mac said...

The title of this post was enogh to excite me ! Yes, please ;-)


You seriously do not need these shrinking garments :)

Sir Thomas said...

fashion show....

come on now...

Charlene said...

The last time I wore a girdle [that what control garmets were once called] was in 1979. Spanx are for smoothing cottage cheese thighs and behinds! It's a mental illusion that you are smaller.

Hey! I'm one of those freaks who likes the lights on. SMILE

Shadowdancer said...

No... there is no reason for any of the men on the continent you are visiting to ever realize that you are wearing that contraption. They can look all they want, but they had better not try to verify it.

Remind them that in America, guns don't kill people... fathers with attractive daughters do.

MindyMom said...

I don't think you need to stuff yourself into sausage casing to look good! Spanx are great for smoothing out some outfits but that tighter-than-shit stuff you have to contort yourself in and out of is ridiculous. And yes, I know this because I've tried it too. Ugh.

LL Cool Joe said...

Nothing wrong with a fat arse, it's those skinny little butts I'm not that keen on, although Kylie has the perfect butt in my book.

Danielle said...

I hate when my pants feel tight, so I can't imagine putting something too tight to beging with would be ok.
You don't need that crap. You look great!!!!

The nitty-gritty tales of a housewife said...

lol....i do squeeze myself into them by jumping up & breathing in....hehehe.....help my thighs from rubbing against each other & looks smooth..yes, try it under your formal wears...good luck with your trip planning.

Riot Kitty said...

Some of us can't help having the flat butts, Joey ;)

Seriously, Senorita, you don't look like you need to stuff anything anywhere! That's a compliment ;)

Mike said...

Congrats on the trip. Now that seemed like a Youtube moment there.

Red Shoes said...

Getting into those kinds of things sounds like kinda trying to get into a condom... just sayin'... ;o)

Lights AND curves are GREAT fun!!!!

~shoes~

dadshouse said...

Anywhooters is my new favorite word. Can I picture a busty midriff baring hottie when I say it? Hahahahahah

Scarlet Ily said...

Never heard of Assets or Spanx...but I wouldn't mind buying one of those culito enlargers so I can feel like the typical Cuban woman I'm not. They sell them everywhere in Miami, and you are inspiring me to try on a pair. They would add 10 pounds to my slim figure...in just the right place! ;)

Memphis Steve said...

I would SO love to go with you to France! Not that I am invited and it would probably make it all the more awkward looking for places to stay. And I would love to see photos of you in the not-Spanx thing that you bought. Somehow I'm not able to picture it in my head, probably due to my allergies clogging my brain.

Just telling it like it is said...

Well if you ask me I think you are beautiful..we women always worry about weight and I am guiilty of it...I say have fun in paris...I'm a little jealous but sooooo happy for you!!! we need lots of pictures!!! mwahhhh

Loving Annie said...

Have a fabulous time in France --- every minute will be wonderful!

Fireblossom said...

You and your Assets will always have Paris.

Claire said...

Bwahaha! This post was hilarious!

Cxx

Kerrie said...

Give my love to Paris and do it with the lights on.

Jimmy's Journal said...

Je parle Francais - Take me with you... I'll carry the luggage!

Great post!

Jimmy

Jenni said...

I have often grabbed some undergarments, that are very similar to Spanx. But I always put them back. I don't know why. I have enough booty that I might benefit. =P

* Ashleigh * said...

Remember: shapewear is an investment according to Kim Kardashian lol!

You don't need to worry about sucking your stomach in - you look fantastic! Another 10 lbs won't be a lot of inches lost. Maybe try incorporating weights to build tone? IDK bestie! I think you look great!