Wednesday, November 9, 2005

Anger Management Entry

Hello there,

I am feeling a little under the weather right now. I am supposed to be at work now but I am here in bed typing this. I will go in later since I don't want to lose out on a whole day's worth of pay.

I am feeling a little burned out from my job, so I think taking a few hours off will help me feel better. I just work so hard for so little money. This month I can barely pay the freaking bills. I didn't splurge. Yeah, I did go out and buy a few things. But I should be able to spend a little money for fun each month, especially because I am a single gal with no family to support. And next month will be hard too because of the holidays.

I am also feeling a little depressed. I am confused with my life now. I am about to turn 25 ( at the end of the month) and I don't really know if I am going down the path I want.

I also feel so alone right now. I am not out there looking for someone to fill my void. When I am dating and really like the guy (or think I do ) I almost feel emptier. I feel alone in a sense that no one understands me or has the time to. I can't really talk to my folks, even though they tell me I can. They would never come to me on their own time just to see how I am doing.  Case in point:

Oh Hi dear. How are you ? How have you been ? Kinda miserable. Why ? I dunno. I guess I am just going through a hard time. Well, I am kinda late for my meeting. And so and so needs me right now.

This freaking happens to me almost 100% of the time. And thanks for listening.

Another case in point:

Happy Birthday ! I just wanted to know if we can go out and celebrate ? I would like to take you out for your birthday. Well, I would love to, but I am really focused and having a productive day. Are you feeling focused and getting a lot done? I just have a lot to do. Oh yes, I got the point very strongly.

Hello, I just stopped by to see how you are doing and tell you about my new job. I just got a 401K so I am saving as well. Oh that's great. I have been so busy lately with so much to do. I have so many people after me for meetings. We just had a show. You don't understand, it's been busy. Hey, after listening to you, I just wanted to thank you for listening and understand me. And thanks for taking the time out to see my brother too after he traveled all the way to see you.

It's no wonder I have issues, and problems meeting quality people in the dating world. Just look at the men I've bitched about on this journal. See the pattern from all of them ? They ignore me, make me feel unwanted and expect me to chase after them.

And now let's look at my folks: I don't necessarily get ignored. But I do get politely pushed away, reminded of how busy they are, and they expect me to do all the legwork in seeing them. Otherwise they wouldn't bother. Oh wait, I shouldn't say that. I may get a phonecall or two, if I am lucky. And while I am on this rant I want to thank a special family member for after a whole year of being away in Europe and promising to see me at the airport for ditching me at the last minute. At least you sent someone else to pick me up. Did you know that I had the feeling you wouldn't show ? I even had money set aside to take the cab home. And thanks for not even explaining why.

If some of my folks out there are actually reading this, I will probably get hell for this and told how it's so not true. And how could I say such things ? Blah, blah, blah.  And of all things, how could I just post these things on my public journal ???? Well, I am saying such things because they ARE true, and although I smile and act like nothing is happening when I see you, that doesn't mean I don't feel the lack of love. And besides, I have come to talk to you and given you the opportunity many times to figure out that something is wrong. I never cared about the words you told me. I never listened to them.  I watched your actions which didn't meet your words. I am not an idiot. All I have to do is put two and two together. I know you love me. I am sure if something happened to me, you would feel sad. But your actions which don't meet your words don't show me that. And go ahead and try to make me feel guilty with how busy you are. I do feel guilty, because I see how hard you work and how sometimes people take advantage of your kindness which just makes me feel worse. But I am part of your blood too.

Don't worry, I am not ratting you out here. I didn't actually put names or labels to anything. How do you know I am even talking about you ????

Anyways, I feel a little better now. I am going to have some breakfast, put on my suit and go to work. Then I am gonna study for my work exam so I can kick some ass and get closer to getting promoted.  I am also gonna cross my fingers and hope for some sunshine to lift my spirits.





poodlebane5 said...

Well, I guess that answered a huge question for me.  I've wondered for years how I fit into your life and if I was considered one of your "folks".  I guess I now know.

kdwsunshine said...

Honey, this is your place to vent. So don't worry about what others think.

I will be 27 in 2 days. I totally get the thing that you said about almost 25 and not liking where your life is. I am the same way sometimes.

I understand the bill struggling too.

hang in there!!