An Open Letter to a Friend

Dear Jorge, (Names protected of course)

Look, I am not going behind your back by writing this on my journal because I have told you all of this to your face over and over again. If you think that what I am saying to you is news, then you really haven´t been paying attention to me.

You and I used to be roommates and we are good friends. I really don't trust men, but I trust you somewhat. You were an awesome roommate. You and your mother took good care of me when I was bedridden with the flu during Christmas. You have went out of your way to help me learn Spanish, introduced me to your family you always offered to help me when I needed it and never asked for anything in return, until recently.

What you wanted in return for all the help was me. For whatever reason, I am not interested in going out with you. I told you all the reasons. At first I tried to blow you off when you came home. Then I started scheduling things on the weekend to get out of the house. You didn´t take the hints. Fine, I didn't really expect you to.

At first I didn´t know how to approach this because no one has ever chased after me as much as you have. And I didn´t want to just flat out tell you that I didn't wanna go out with you because we lived together and the last time I told a guy that, he insulted me. So I didn´t want to offend you and have to live with the consequences every day. 

Then one day I worked up the nerve and told you that " I am sorry, but I don't feel the same way about you as you do about me." And then you told me that you really didn´t mean it when you said that you had feelings for me on New Years Day. You meant that you care for me as a sister. I knew you were lying, but I pretended to buy it because I didn´t want to argue. So after that talk, I thought we agreed we were just friends.

So then what happens? You shaved off your ugly goatee for me ( I NEVER asked you to do that). You practically woke up at the same time I did in the mornings to talk to me. You made plans with me to go to the movies or for a drink on the weekends. And I DID go because I always used to go with you before you developed feelings for me and I didn't just wanna be a flat out bitch. Don't you think that calling me at 9pm a couple of nights to see if I was alright was too much? I told you one night I would be home at 11pm. I came home at 12am. Holy Jesus ! You woulda thought I was turning tricks for cash. I came home and you were smoking a cigarrette out of nervousness and told me how worried you were.And for the first time I yelled at you and told you that I am not a child and that I have every right to do what I want. And you appologized.

One day I realized that I couldn't live like this. I like hanging out with you but I don't like spending every waking moment with you. I want to be alone sometimes and your constant presence was starting to irritate me. And I was tired of pretending to be happy when you were around. So I got a little grumpy around you.

So I moved out. And you helped me and supported me. Thank you. And you kept asking me to move back in. And I said no. The answer is still no. Thankfully you really don´t ask me anymore. I wish you would rent out the room instead of turning down every person that looks at it.

One weekend after I kept telling you I wanted to be alone I did end up going to a movie with you after you insisted and I did have fun. Then you tried to kiss me and I pushed you away. You were upset. And I firmly let you know that we were just friends. And guess what happened the next time I saw you ? You brushed me off as I tried to talk to you. I probably deserved that.

Easter holiday. I was going to spend the weekend alone and to be honest I would have been just fine. But you called me and invited to go with you and your friends. You insisted and told me not to worry about the money because I told you I was broke. You told me that you were gonna come pick me up at my apartment on Friday no matter what. You made a stink and told me that you were gonna be upset if I didn't go. So I went. I did have fun, but not too much. Although I loved Costa Brava I didn´t really fit in with your friends, and I hated the fact that you smoked the WHOLE time. Really, looking back I woulda been just fine at home.

Friday took the cake. You had a bad feeling and you had a premonition that something happened to me. You called my mobile and I never got the calls. So you skipped the first few hours of work and came ALL the way down to my job and told the secretary to look for me. You were about to just walk in. You KNOW how secretive my job is. You know I could have gotten fired for you showing up. Well, your premonition was wrong. I was working and giggling with my coworkers. It was someone else in your family that went to the hospital. I am glad he is doingwell now.

And I let you know how I felt. I did yell at but I got over it. You called me later to say you were sorry and I got over it. But then you got upset that I was upset about you showing up. Guess what? That is not my problem. Did you expect me to pat you on the back?

 I never asked you do that. You came on your own free will. Please, you are NOT my father. I don´t need another. I have 2 already. Not even my fathers are protective as you are. Please, I live in Barcelona, not Los Angeles. Not the Bronx. Huge difference.

And the list goes on......................

Part of this is my fault. I should never have moved in with a man. Who knows I would bet that a lot of men reading this might think that I am a cocktease. I must really seem like an asshole. But guess what ? I NEVER made a move on you and I ALWAYS told you we were just friends.So you helped me out a lot. You offered to help me a lot. You know what? I always told you that you never had to do that. I almost never asked you for help. You always offered. So, I don't owe you anything.

 Maybe I should have been a bitch, earlier but we were friends before this happened and I didn't just want to push away our friendship because I do like who you are. You are an intelligent, good person and many people say nice things about you. Other than this venting I don't have a lot of negative things to say about you. But please, I am looking forward to going home to CA because of this and I wish that you would leave me alone for a weekend and not take it so personal when I don't want to spend time with you.

This weekend is your birthday and I bought you a nice gift. I will spend Sunday with you. But I hope you understand when I tell you that I am "busy" next weekend.

You are probably upset at me. Thats your right. I don't want to lose our friendship. But to tell you the truth, if it comes down to that I won't be too bothered. I am just too tired of this. Being nice doesn't work. Don't you think that I woulda called you if I were interetsted? You ever notice how I NEVER called you to make plans ? Huh, imagine that.

I used to be nice and polite but I am not gonna sugarcoat things anymore. If I have to I will be the asshole. If I have to I will just stop being your friend. Call me heartless and tell everyone how I hurt you. But guess what ? We never went out and I NEVER cheated you or deceived you. Remember that I ALWAYS told you where I stand. You just refused to believe that I was not interested in you as a girlfriend.

Your Friend,

S.G