Thursday, September 17, 2009

My Fantabulous Five !

Hello There Kittens,

Did I tell you that I love all my readers ? Cuz I do ! Group hug !

Today I am gonna just ramble. I will tell you my five things that come to mind. My realizations or my ponderings, or being disgusting. Whatever comes to mind.

Here goes kitties..........

1.) I bought some new work shoes yesterday from Payless. While I was paying with my debit card, I saw on the screen that you could pay for your shoes with food stamps. What the HELL ? I thought that food stamps were for FOOD.

Why bother going to work anymore when the government can just pay me not to work? While we are on this note, I remember my nutrition teacher in college telling me about when she volunteered at a food bank. People would come in and pick and choose their food. They would take the packaged processed food and leave the healthy stuff behind. They would just pick and chose.

I will gladly help people that need it and give them the last of what I have, but that's if they need it. If not, they can work for it like everyone else.

2.) You all know I used to work for Enterprise Rent a car aka ERAC, but sometimes I like to say ECRAP or EFUCK. I used to have customers come in with awful names. We once had this fat Vietnamese guy come in named Phat Ho. (Pronounced Fat Hoe) He was shaped like Buddha and he didn't really speak English.

To make a long story short, we had problems renting him a car because he didn't have a credit card. We had to have him put down a lot of money in a deposit and call people he knows to verify his identity. So my manager was on the phone in front of all the other customers waiting for their car. He kept saying "I am calling from Enterprise, do you know Mr. Phat Ho ? Basically saying his name over and over while this man was standing there looking like a mad Buddha. My boss dragged me in the back as fast as she could because I was about to burst in laughter.

Later we got an angry message from him via the complaint hotline. He was not a happy fat whore. So we had to write him an apology letter which started as Dear Mr. Phat Ho......

Before you climb all over me and berate me about my horrible customer service, please know that 1.) I didn't deal with him, management did and 2.) I was just a casual observer. A very entertained one.

3.) While we are on this note, we had this rather large woman with a bad eighties perm rent a car with us. When I asked her last name she looked at us and just said "Hooker". I was the one helping her and you should all know that I kept a straight face.

4.)As you all know I am a security bitch until I can find a legal job. We are all bitches some way or another, and my bitch duties require me to wear a gawdawful uniform that hides my assets and accentuates my flaws. What is interesting is that people higher on the totem pole are usually respectful to us, and the people that aren't are usually the ones who are lower on the totem pole. I will be sitting at a desk, smile and say hello, and some people will look straight at my face, make eye contact and walk away. Hello, it's obvious I am not selling anything !

Yet people think it's okay to ignore me because of my job title. What's interesting is that I have as much education if not more than the people that ignore me.

Oh, I also thoroughly enjoy the power trip my supervisor is on right now as he orders me around and refuses to help if I need it. He does not really value my opinion and he doesn't have confidence in me, despite that I have been working there for a few years.

What helps me not get upset is that I know that security is not my last job option and that I can advance and go further. I don't have to deal with that for long and am qualified for better.

5.)And last but not least, let's talk about dating........... Yes kittens I am single and bilingual. Don't you hate it when you go out and you are a little shy and reserved and the guy you are out with tells you to relax and just be yourself? I am being myself, bitch ! Myself gets nervous and little reserved the first night out because I am trying to be observant, listen to what you have to say, maybe compliment you and tell you how awesome you are, determine that you're not Hannibal Lector all while being polite and trying to have a good time. Just give a woman a break, shut up and enjoy all this makeup and hair I have made up for your viewing pleasure.

Okay, time to go and brush my teeth.

Besitos !


Organic Meatbag said...

I am stunned that you are single...STUNNED!
And hahaha to Phat Ho! Best fuckin' name ever!!

Danielle said...

I love # 5. That is so true. Who said this isn't who I am when I first meet someone? People!

Kerrie said...

Thanks for the hug. x

Mike said...

Yeah I remember that when I use to valet. It was in the Bank of America building with security. We'd say hi and good night to everyone. Most of the higher ups know that it's a good thing to be polite to people.

* Ashleigh * said...

I will never forget Kevin saying loudly, "Mr. Phat Ho?" hahaha every time! I think I checked that customer, once we got a vehicle for him. He was also mad he had to wait for a car, which was his fault to begin with!

"Just give a woman a break, shut up and enjoy all this makeup and hair I have made up for your viewing pleasure." - That's how I felt on Saturday! To add to that "then ravage me!"

Paul Nichols said...

"...and enjoy all this makeup and hair I have made up for your viewing pleasure." That's great. Why are you not in the writing/entertaining business? There are places that pay honest-to-goodness money for one-liners like that.

PorkStar said...


The last paragraph cracked me the hell up lol

oh, hello Ashleigh : )

Scarlet said...

Like Paul, I love that line, actually all of #5 is beautifully expressed. If I were single and dating those would be my exact thoughts!

The fat whore story is hilarious, btw! OMG!

mac said...

I somehow doubt any clothing could disguise those wonderful eyes :-)

Maybe, the guys are worried themselves and just telling you to relax as a way of easing their own butterflies. I know I get nervous around pretty single ladies :-)

Phuk that Phat Ho.

I'm bi-lingual too. I am equally inept in two(many more) languages ;-)

McLuvin said...

Way to go! Right attitude about your job - its just a temporary gig for ya and it doesn't define you or even come close to reflecting you and your true talents. Your boss can go fuck hisself. You are worth SOOOOOOO much more than that crap - and I'm happy that you know this.

I'm not surprised in the least that you are single. It would take an EXCEPTIONAL man to capture you, and i wouldn't expect you to settle for anything less.

Angela said...

Even when you don't do your world famous manslations, you write exceptionally well and have a strong sense off humor.

I loved the ERAC story very much! See you Sunday afternoon!