Tuesday, September 1, 2009

The Squeaky Wheel Gets Laid

Hello My Little Furballs,

Craigslist was a goldmine for me over the weekend. So many interesting personals ads for me to peruse. It's like these men knew I was here looking to poke fun at their ads, and they wanted in on the action. Senorita, pick me ! I am an "honest" married man and I demand a monogamous sexual partner ! They are just begging for me to mock their ads.

Here is an ad below, with my "manslation" in bold caps


I'm new to this NO I AM NOT........
Date: 2009-08-30, 5:22PM

And here it goes... I'm looking for a long term mutually exclusive relationship. STATISTICALLY SPEAKING, I WANNA BANG YOU.............
Fine. I'm a great looking guy I LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR EVERY DAY, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THE MIRROR LIKES IT... 175 pounds, blue eyes. I'm a Professional (scientist, PhD) SO I WILL INSERT RANDOM JOKES ABOUT MY HUMAN GENOME PROJECT AND OFFER YOU A DNA SAMPLE. I'm looking for a nice looking mature, responsible woman 130 pounds or less age 30 to 45. BASICALLY SUGAR PIE, NO FATTIES ALLOWED !!! I am married and you should be too. YOU SEE MY LITTLE BUTTERCUPS, I KNOW THAT WHORING AROUND BEHIND THE WIFE'S BACK IS WRONG, SO IF I CAN PORK ANOTHER MARRIED WOMAN, THEN THE GUILT SHOULD GO AWAY. The problem is at the moment, my wife and I don't see much of each other and things are lacking in the bedroom. :( NOT ONLY AM I A MARRIED MAN, BUT I AM A WHINY MARRIED MAN. IF I WHINE ENOUGH YOU WILL SCREW ME OUT OF SYMPATHY.

If you're in a similar situation and and want to get together during the week for some husband and wife bedroom activities, but without the husband and wife OOOH A WITTY SCIENTIST, please, please let me know. PLEASE PLEASE FUCK ME NOW...........
Do you? I would like to get to know you and see you from time to time. We both have needs ALTHOUGH I WILL MAINLY FOCUS ON MINE. I'll come over to your place, and be discreet. I will park down the block so your neighbors won't see a car by your house. THEY WILL JUST SEE A LONELY MARRIED MAN WALKING DOWN THE STREET IN HIS PURSUIT OF PUSSY.
I'll be available on your schedule. Just email me... When you email send me your address and what time you want me to come over. I'll bring chocolates THERE IS A TWO FOR ONE SALE AT RITE AID AND I STOCKED UP. I'll be watching my inbox waiting for you to email. If you need me NOW, just say so and I'll do my best to come over ASAP.
I'm snipped (vasectomy) I BET THAT WAS THE WIFE'S IDEA. Even though, condoms a must. Safe sex only. BASICALLY, I DON'T WANT MY WIFE TO DISCOVER WIERD GROWTHS ON MY MAN PARTS.
The times that work for me are 9am to 6pm during the week, BUT I AM SO HORNY THAT I WILL COME OVER TO PLOW THAT FIELD ANYTIME. I'LL JUST TELL THE WIFEY THAT MY FRIEND BROKE UP WITH HIS GF AND NEEDS ME.

Here is what I think..............

Married men these days are getting more demanding. And I know that these standards are getting met, because if people didn't respond to them, they would give up and just stick to masturbating alone. I wanna know who in their right mind responds to these men who don't even post pictures of themselves and willingly participates in an affair, when they could have single men all to themselves. How is it that these women respond to these ads without even knowing what awaits on the other end ?

You see my little furballs, married men these days are a new breed. They don't want just sex on the side. Oh no, they want the emotional connection, intelligent conversation AND they want you to be faithful to them. I wonder what they tell the other women............. "Don't worry babe, it doesn't actually mean anything when I have sex with my wife. I am going through the motions, but I am really thinking of you."

They want you to be their full on girlfriend without them committing. I also see a lot of ads where some married dude is looking for an "understanding" woman. But I can see why he expects it, because there are women that would do it.

Oh, and why do these dudes say it's their first time ever posting ? I guess they think being new meat is attractive.

It never ceases to amaze me. What amazes me is not only do these men ask for it, but that they actually sometimes get it !

I learned an interesting lesson in working in retail. "You never know until you ask." It's such a simple statement, but it is so true.

People will walk right up to you and brazenly request the darnest things. In retail, I was on both ends.

When I worked in car rental, my managers told us to set our own prices, instead of quoting prices off the national price list. Customers would call me, and when I would look up prices online the boss would come over, and cover up the screen and tell me to quote higher.

I never liked my area manager, and thought he was a total weasle/cocknozzle. Anyway, he told me that we are giving such excellent service, so we should simply "ask" our customers to pay more. We're simply quoting them $15/day extra over the normal rate. And sometimes our customers agreed (because they didn't know better, not because of our service). I really hated that part of my job. My manager Mr. Nanner Bannaner told us that we won't get a high rate until we start asking. He was right in a twisted way.

On the same note, customers would walk straight up to us and ask/demand things of us. Customers who we had no business renting to ( we knew they would probably steal the car) would demand a car.
- Customers who reserved the cheapest car demand a free upgrade into a luxury car.
-Customers would come in a half our after we closed and demand a ride home over 30 minutes away.
-And sometimes management would cave in.

On that note, when I worked in car rental, a married man asked me out, while his wife was outside. First of all, I was 24 at the time, and he was a middle aged man with a wife and kids, who just came back from Disneyland (I remembered why I don't have children after a trip to Disneyland). He was even wearing a Disneyland sweatshirt. I was like "Oh Hells no !" Just looking at him made me depressed. I told him his wife would not like that, but he assured me "oh don't worry, she doesn't mind". Haha yeah, I bet she wouldn't.

I then wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, but I instead politely told him I had a very jealous boyfriend that would never go for it.

Wanna know what his response was ?

Wait for it...................... "Well, you never know until you ask"

8 comments:

Big Mark 243 said...

Normally, when you do a 'manslation' you keep things light. This time, you went a bit more in depth. Thanks for sharing, I thought it was cool.

Angela said...

Ah, Du schreibst so lustige Sachen!

Nachdem ich geheult habe wie ein Schlosshund, ueber Deinen Post ueber die Oma, habe ich sehr gelacht wegen Deiner Manslation.

Hoffentlich sehe ich Dich heute abend entweder auf AIM oder Yahoo.

MindyMom said...

Your manslations are always so spot-on!

Makes you think twice about getting married, doesn't it?

Liam said...

I doubt very much that men want the emotional connection. If that were the case they would work on their marriage.

I'm a man and I know how men think when it comes to sex. It's tell her anything she wants to hear in order to get what you want.

I'm not condoning the behavior. It's just pretty much the way it is.

Scarlet said...

"I KNOW THAT WHORING AROUND BEHIND THE WIFE'S BACK IS WRONG, SO IF I CAN PORK ANOTHER MARRIED WOMAN, THEN THE GUILT SHOULD GO AWAY." -Is this guy from Miami???

Love your take on this one, and the title...priceless!

Mike said...

Hey Disney Land with the family could push you over the edge. I'm just saying. ;)

McLuvin said...

ROFLMAO!!!! I. LOVE. THIS.
"THEY WILL JUST SEE A LONELY MARRIED MAN WALKING DOWN THE STREET IN HIS PURSUIT OF PUSSY."
Oh man, so true, so so true.... you are effin hilarious!!!!

McLuvin said...

Also good to know about the car rental scams - thanks for the tip!

Yah, it really is true - you never know until you ask...