Sunday, March 6, 2005

Conflicted

Hello Everyone,

I dunno what to say except that I just feel real conflicted within right now. Today was real hard for me. The day was really long.  I am really not feeling well at all right now.

The truth is I don´t know exactly what I want out of my life anymore. I don´t know whether I am really following my dream or someone else´s.  Am I really doing what I want ? Or am I just scared to venture out in the real world and become really successful ?  I don´t know. I don´t know if I am living my life the way I should. I don´t know what makes me happy anymore. Because I have been making changes in my life for the last 2 months and I still don´t feel any better. It´s not that I am complaining and not doing anything. I am making changes, and I still am not satisfied.

On top of that, my plans keep changing. I never know for sure what I will be doing. In one respect it´s exciting. In another, it is really frustrating. My teaching jobs keep changing. I don´t know if I will get my legal working papers here, which is really frustrating because I have had good job offers that I couldn´t take due to my lack of wprking papers. People come and go out of my life really fast here. My friend went back home. My favorite Spanish teacher disappeared suddenly last week. My favorite coworker left on Friday. And things seem to be changing for worse instead of better. But I hope that things change for the better.

Today I wanted to go home really bad so that I could just go to a familar place and just leave behind this life that always changes. Sometimes it´s just too much. Today was too much. I don´t want to leave because I don´t like Spain. I want to leave because I want my life back in order. But I know that just getting on a plane is not the answer. But I still can´t help counting down the time. 16 weeks left. And it seems like an eternity.

Please excuse me for not being bubbly and happy. I am happy that I am doing something with my life and that I am learning Spanish and living in a foreign country on my own. I just don´t really know what I want right now. I think that maybe my reasons for coming here are clouded by my strong desire to just go back home. I really really want to go home, and I am really upset that I just can´t do it. I don´t have enough money to go back home and return here. But I know that I would miss Barcelona upon returning to the states. So I am trying to take in this beautiful city as much as I possibly can.

Anyways, I better get ready for the week. Ciao for now.

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