Confusion

Hello Everyone,

I really like the picture above. Normally I wear glasses and have a chubbier face. This picture doesn't show any of that !!! Yeah for my digi cam :)

The past few days since I've updated have been cool. I had another language exchange on Friday and we went to the Fiestas de Gracia again. I didn't really like the guy but I had fun at the street parties........ There were a lot of people dancing and having a good time. We also met up with some other girls and talked for a bit. And I ran into my old classmate from my TEFL course !! It was cool to catch up a little with him. We've all went our separate ways since the course and it was cool to see what he's been up to since.

I also went to the beach yesterday with a new guy. I went for like a five minute swim. I am thrilled that I can actually swim in the oceans here. It's always too damn cold in CA. It was pretty peaceful and there weren't too many people. Plus we got to watch the sunset.

Lately I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes I just love it to death here and feel like I am going somewhere in my life and accomplishing something. Other times I just feel sad and confused. Today is just one of those days. Today is one of those days where I just don't even wanna wake up.

Now, forgive me. I can't just go and talk to people here about this. Nor do I feel like picking up the phone and crying back home to my momma and poppa. They have more urgent things to worry about. I just feel like dumping it all here on my journal and forgetting about it. Because I am hoping that this feeling passes. Soon.................

I love Spain. I really do. I just don't know exactly where I am going and how things are gonna end up for me. I am leaving Barcelona in less than two weeks.............I am going to Austria for a week and then I am moving to San Sebastian. At the time I made plans to go to San Sebastian, there were no other options for me to make money and stay here.

Now I have other options. I was offered a job by a cool New Yorker that I met here in Barcelona to make calls here at the WTC( The one in Spain. YES, there is one.) It doesn't pay very well, but its enough to live and there are opportunities to make more money and get promoted. Oh how I wish that I could say yes. Luckily I can still take him up on the offer when I come back.

I also met a nice guy, whom I really like spending time with. And now I have to move. Will we keep in contact for the time that I am gone? Who knows................Of course I'll try. But it's always the guy that I have to worry about. But it would be so naive of me to believe that we'll be in contact all this time. I think I grew up a little since high school. Ya know what I mean?

Meeting a new guy always makes my feel so vulnerable. I almost can't stand the feeling because I've always had a very hard time trusting any man. But at the same time I just can't live my whole life without giving myself a chance.

I am running out of money, and when my insurance runs out, what am I gonna do? I miss the security of talking to customer service agents in English and getting things done fast. I miss knowing that I can see a doctor when I feel like it.

I haven't been very hungry since I have arrived here. Plus I've been a little broke. I haven't been eating a lot and this totally affects my mood. Or should I say, sometimes my mood affects my appetite. I can't keep track of the order anymore.

These are the things that worry me here. Sometimes I am able to escape and enjoy the beauty Spain has to offer. And lately I have been doing that. I've been improving my Spanish, meeting cool people, going to the beaches, and eating some good food. But at the same time REALITY is just two steps behind me. I guess that we can't have everything we want, which is a part of life.

Today I just wanna go home so bad. I can't help it. I just wanna pack, get on a plane and go back to my old apartment and sleep. But I can't. I don't even have my own place anymore. Hell, when I go back to the US, my life will be so different. I will have to start all over. Just like I am doing here. There is just no easy way out.

I guess I just feel like I don't really belong anywhere right now. It's kinda hard to deal with sometimes. My whole life is up in the air.

Well, I better go and do something else now. I suppose that I should go and enjoy the rest of my Sunday. I gotta feel better sometime, ya know?

Ciao.